Unexpected
Mothering
by
Cynthia Good Mojab, MS, IBCLC, RLC
Human
development is a life-long process. Maturation is relative and multidimensional.
There is no such thing as a final outcome of "full maturity." Parenting
itself is a developmental task-and perhaps the hardest one that human beings
face. In the best of environments, every mother knows less when she begins
mothering than she will know two months, two years, two children, or two
decades later. This relative lack of knowledge, skill, and maturity is
a reflection of our humanity. Yet countless women, with their relative,
human and unintentional lack of knowledge, skill and maturity, struggle
to accomplish the developmental tasks of mothering with little or no meaningful,
trustworthy, and systematic support, guidance, and respect from their social
systems. This fact indicates a tragic failure of social systems-not a tragic
failure of individual women.
Women
who grow up in profoundly age-segregated societies (such as the United
States), where babies and mothers are commonly isolated in nuclear homes,
simply have not had the chance to see what human babies and young children
are really like. Women who grow up with little or no exposure to breastfeeding
simply have not had the chance to see what breastfeeding and breastfed
children are really like. What they see instead are media and marketing
myths of babies and children-myths that create false expectations that
eventually conflict with reality. Babies are supposed to sleep contentedly
alone through the night, but they don't; babies are supposed to feed on
schedule, but they don't; babies are supposed to play happily alone for
hours in a play pen, but they don't…. According to the marketing, such
conflicts between expectations and reality can only be solved with the
purchase of a product: a tape of a mother's heart beat that plays any time
baby stirs from sleep, artificial substitutes for human milk, more and
more toys…. Such products are grossly inferior substitutes for what babies
and young children really need: engaged, active, present mothers backed
up by the ongoing support of extended families and societies that truly
respect mothers and the priceless work of mothering.
In
my mind, it is no wonder that so many women are downright shocked and dismayed
to find that mothering takes far more of their energy, time, and commitment
than they ever imagined. When mothers express to us the frustration inherent
in such shock, we are given the opportunity to acknowledge it, respect
it, validate it, and help a mother begin to grieve the fact that she has
been systematically lied to throughout her life time. When we find the
compassion and patience and skill to do this (even when we are understandably
so very frustrated ourselves), we provide a safe space in which a mother
may be able to recognize-and then consider accepting-the unexpected invitation
for personal growth and development that mothering has brought her. If
she cannot recognize this invitation now, much less accept it, our compassion,
patience and skill may still be critical to her ability to do so later
in her mothering.
©
Cynthia Good Mojab, 2002. All rights reserved. This essay may be printed
once for individual use.
Citation:
Good Mojab, C. Unexpected mothering. Ammawell website 2002. Url: http://home.comcast.net/~ammawell/expectations.html
This
text was first posted on June 4, 2002 to LACTNET, a netlist for professionals
working in the field of breastfeeding and human lactation.
Cynthia
Good Mojab, MS clinical psychology, is a private researcher, author, educator,
and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC). She writes
and speaks about issues related to psychology, culture and the family-particularly
as they relate to breastfeeding. Ms. Good Mojab is Research Associate in
the Publications Department of La Leche League International, was a member
of the LLLI Editorial Review Team for The Breastfeeding Answer Book (3rd
edition), and has been a La Leche League Leader since 1998. She is a member
of the Ask the Experts panel on Mothering magazine's website, answering
questions about breastfeeding, and is an Affiliate of the Alliance for
Transforming the Lives of Children. Ms. Good Mojab has taught and guest
lectured for undergraduate psychology and statistics courses, and has spoken
about breastfeeding, parenting, culture and psychology to groups, organizations,
and the media. She is an award-winning researcher whose work was recognized
in 1995 by the American Psychological Foundation. Her website, Ammawell
(http://home.comcast.net/~ammawell), offers breastfeeding and parenting
information and support.
Cynthia
Good Mojab, PO Box 5803, Aloha, OR 97006 USA; http://home.comcast.net/~ammawell
(website)
