Saturday, October 04, 2003
Americans are Unthinking and Uncritical Slobs
Bmo thinks Americans are uncritical and unthinking slobs. Well, He's right, of course. Except for me and Michael Moore. Me and Mike are just slobs.
Here's a few great excerpts from his new book. The man is so honest, out-there and in-your-face some of it made ME uncomfortable. But he sure does make you think! Ripped from Smirking Chimp who apparently ripped it from the Guardian. (Unlike me, probably with permission.)
Michael Moore: 'How to talk to your conservative brother-in-law'
(Date: 2003-10-04 09:32:03)
There are a lot of fair-minded, pretty decent Republicans out there, believes Michael Moore - approach them in the right way, and they're ripe for conversion. He tells how in the first of our extracts from his brilliant new book, Dude, where's my country?
By Michael Moore, The Guardian
For the few of you who still hold some faith in Me, let Me assure you of the following:
1 I am the Lord thy God and he is the Son of George, not the Son of God. I will have him spending eternity parking cars in Hell's VIP lot as soon as I get my hands on him.
2 I did not order Bush to invade any countries. It is still wrong to kill other human beings unless they have a big knife at your throat and all pleas for mercy and a warning shot have gone unheeded. Killing humans is My job.
3 I do not want school kids praying to Me in a classroom. Save it for the church and before bedtime - that's enough for the little tykes. You keep forcing them to pray to Me, they are going to hate My ass. Stop it!
4 An embryo is an embryo, a foetus is a foetus, and a baby is a baby. That's the way I set it up. When it is a baby, then it becomes a human being. You humans are difficult enough, I don't need more of you around any sooner than necessary. And while we're on the subject, I really don't care about your sex lives, as long as they're consenting and adult. Just keep it to yourselves, OK?
5 Let Me state once and for all that I did not invent and do not endorse 'creationism'. It's a completely bogus concept, right up there with the New Hampshire primary and non-alcoholic beer. I'm an evolution guy, despite what the neanderthals claim in My name. Who do you think created science?
6 I do not approve of plaques and monuments with the 10 Commandments and other religious material being displayed in public buildings. My little-known 11th Commandment? Keep your religious convictions to your own damn selves.
7As far as those other religions go, two points of clarification. One, there are never going to be 72 virgins waiting for you up here. We haven't had a virgin up here since Jesus's mother, and you're not getting anywhere near her. So save yourself the dynamite and blown-to-bits body parts, because you aren't ever getting a room in My joint. And, two, there is no 'Promised Land'. That big truckload of sand I dumped in that horrid little strip between the Mediterranean and the river Jordan? Nobody was supposed to live on it, let alone fight over it to the point where it may result in the end of the world. I did not give that land to the Israelites, I did not give that land to Mohammed, and if everyone keeps using Me as the landlord I'm going to settle the dispute once and for all, so knock it off.
8 And, finally, no more of this 'God Bless America' crap. What makes you think you get to be blessed and no one else? I don't play favourites. You don't hear anyone in Djibouti saying 'God Bless Djibouti'. I have never heard anyone utter the words 'God Bless Botswana'. They know better. Let's get this straight - God don't bless America, God don't bless anyone, God has got a tee time on the back nine and he doesn't have time to be interrupted with this patriotic mumbo jumbo. Quit using My name as a justification for feeling superior to everyone else. You aren't. You are actually among the dumbest people on the planet. Don't think so? Name the president of Mexico. See? Ask anyone else in the world the name of the leader of the country next to theirs and they can tell you who it is. God bless America? More like God bleeps America.
_
You know the scene all too well. Thanksgiving dinner. The family has gathered around the table to share good times and a hearty meal. The cranberries are ripe, the bird is plump, and that brother-in-law of yours is at it again. "The Bush tax cut is going to put this country back on the road to prosperity!" The room goes uncomfortably silent and somebody tries to change the subject. The brother-in-law continues. He goes through the familiar litany: "too many deadbeats are on welfare"; "affirmative action is reverse discrimination"; "they should build more prisons and throw away the key". Finally, your cousin Lydia has heard enough and calls him a "racist" and a "dick". Suddenly Grandma's special dilled mashed potatoes are flying across the table like an American missile on a sunny morning in residential Baghdad.
Let's face it, almost every family has at least one rightwing reactionary of its very own, and there's not much you can do about it. It's a statistical certainty that for every two liberals, there will be one person who longs for the days of Strom Thurmond and legally accepted date rape.
I seem to have encountered most of these guys in the past year. Many of them have written me long letters filled with a passion rarely seen on our side of the political fence. Some stop me on the street. A few of these times I have asked if they would like to sit down and have a cup of coffee with me (though I don't even drink coffee, and they themselves clearly have had way too much of it). I don't engage them in argument but, rather, listen to them rant and rave about Bush, liberals, towelheads and welfare queens. It's quite a spiel.
But, if you listen long and hard enough, you can hear their faint and distant cries for help. It's clear that they suffer from a unique pathology that is slowly driving them insane. They are, at their core, very, very afraid. They are afraid because, ultimately, they are ignorant. They haven't a clue what it's like to be black or hopelessly poor or wishing to kiss someone of their own gender. This basic ignorance leads to their overwhelming and permanent state of fear. The fear quickly manifests itself into hate, which eventually leads to a very dark place. They become consumed with a desire to actually harm others, if not by their own hands (they are usually too afraid to do it themselves), then by having the state act in their stead: "TAKE AWAY THEIR FUNDING! ELIMINATE THEIR JOBS! EXECUTE THE BASTARDS!"
There is no school of therapy I know of to cure this illness; no medication developed yet by pharmaceutical companies for this conservative rage. (Actually, the drug companies need these Republican voters to insure that they will never truly be regulated; so it's in their best interest to make sure that these angry white guys are never healed.) But I firmly believe that many of these conservatives can be shown the error of their ways. They can be encouraged to think differently about the issues we are concerned about. I think there is a way to convert that brother-in-law of yours.
Now, you might say, "Whoa, wait a minute - I'm not into missionary work! Not if it means I have to walk among these cretins!" But don't you want to see change - real, lasting progressive change - in your lifetime? Don't you want to pull the rug out from under this supposedly conservative movement that infects our Congress with so many Republicans? Don't you wanna have a little fun?
I'm not talking about trying to change the minds of the terminally bigoted. I'm referring to the people you know and, yes, love. They take good care of their kids, they keep their houses fixed up nice, they volunteer at the church: and they always, incredibly, vote Republican.
Here's my theory: I don't believe these people really are Republicans. They are just using a word they heard because the word was associated with tradition, common sense and saving money. So they stuck the label on themselves. After all, who was the first Republican you heard about in history class? Honest Abe Lincoln - the guy good enough to be on the penny and the five-dollar bill!
These people are, in truth, Republican In Name Only - RINOs. Ask them a series of questions. Do you want a clean environment? Would you live in a neighbourhood with black people? Do you believe in going to war to resolve our differences with others? Most of the time they will not give the standard Republican answers. I have a friend who refers to herself as a Republican, but when I ask her if women should be paid as much as men, she responds, "We should be paid more!" When I ask her if people should be allowed to dump waste into the lake where she lives, she reminds me that she sits on the board of the local nature preserve. When I ask her how her mutual fund is doing since she was able to get rid of "that liar Clinton", she says, "Don't ask."
So, I say to her, if Bush has driven the economy into the ground, if the Republicans want to make it easier for people to dump shit into your lake, and if you think you should have the same rights as men - then why on earth do you call yourself a Republican?!
"Because the Democrats will raise my taxes," she responds, without missing a beat.
That is the RINO mantra. Even though they know the Republicans will make many parts of their lives more miserable, they hold on to that Republican label because of just one thing: they think the Democrats are out to steal their hard-earned money. If we really want to pull off a slam-dunk of permanent change, we need to bring a few million of these RINOs over to our side. They are waiting there, wanting to jump the fence - just as long as they can take their money with them.
I've come up with a bunch of suggestions for how we can enlarge our majority by reaching out to our RINO friends and relatives. Some of them will require a bit of humility on your part. Many of them, I'm convinced, will work.
1. First and foremost, assure your conservative friends or relatives that you do not want their money. You do not want them to make less money, nor do you want them to lose what money they have.
2. Second, every political argument you make must be about them and for them. They base every decision on "How does this benefit ME?" Instead of fighting this self-centredness, just go with it, embrace it, feed it.
3. Journey into the mind of the conservative. What you will encounter is fear. Fear of crime. Fear of enemies. Fear of change. Fear of people not exactly like them. And, of course, fear of losing any money on anything.
4. Tell them what you like about conservatives. Be honest. You know there are many things about conservatives that we like and believe in ourselves - even though we usually wouldn't be caught dead saying them out loud. Tell your conservative brother-in-law that you, too, are afraid of being a victim of crime and want to prevent criminals from getting away with their actions. Tell him that if America is actually attacked, you will be the first to defend the defenceless. Tell him you don't like freeloaders, either, especially that room-mate you had in college who never lifted a finger to pick up a damn thing and turned your place into a pigsty.
Tell him how dependable conservatives are. When you need something fixed, you call your redneck brother-in-law, don't you? You yourself can't fix a damn thing - and neither can any of your whiny liberal friends. Also, when you need a job, who hires you? The conservative who owns the business, that's who. And if you need someone beaten up, that bully who's been picking on you, you certainly aren't going to ask your uncle at the Unitarian church to do it for you. You never know when you're going to need that conservative relative.
Conservatives are organised, on time, efficient, well groomed and consistent. These are all good qualities and attributes, and we wish we were more that way.
5. Admit that the left has made mistakes. Ouch. This is a tough one. But, if you admit that, on occasion, you have been wrong, it's easier for the other person to consider what they have been wrong about, too.
· Mumia [the campaigning Pennsylvania journalist who was sentenced for the shooting of a police officer and has been on death row since 1982] probably killed that guy. There, I said it. That does not mean he should be denied a fair trial or that he should be put to death. But because we don't want to see him or anyone executed, the efforts to defend him may have overlooked the fact that he did indeed kill that cop. This takes nothing away from the eloquence of his writings or commentary, or the important place he now holds on the international political stage. But he probably did kill that guy.
· Drugs are bad. They fuck you up, slow you down and ruin your daily existence. Even though Nancy Reagan can kiss my ass, you really should just say no.
· Men and women are different. We are not the same gender. Do I have to show you the drawings? For instance, very few women pull out a gun and shoot someone on the street. The chance that a woman will mug you tonight on the way home from work is somewhere around nil. That is a quirk specific to my gender. Likewise, very few men could give a shit about making the bed. Why make the bed? Who is going to see it? What are we doing, protecting the sheets from something we don't want them to see during the day while we're at work?
· It's really a bad idea to have sex before you're 18. OK, maybe I'm just jealous because I had to wait until I was 32. None the less, the price to pay for teenage sex is pretty high - unwanted pregnancy, disease, and ending up with one ear bigger than the other because it's always cocked toward the front door in case the parents come home early.
· The sun is good for you. Your skin needs at least 10 minutes of direct sunlight a day for a much-needed shot of Vitamin D. Quit slapping all that sun block over your kids.
If you really are concerned about UV rays and skin cancer, then ask yourself, "When was the last time I attended a Greenpeace meeting in order to help make things better?"
· People who commit violent crimes should be locked up. Dangerous people should not be out on the street. Yes, they should get help. Yes, they should get rehabilitation. Yes, we should look for ways to reduce the root causes of crime. But no one has the right to assault you or rip you off, and if you can't bring yourself to show at least an ounce of outrage against those who would harm you, then you just look like a wimp or a nut to most normal people. In fact, I want to assault you right now.
· Your children do not have a right to privacy and you better pay attention to what they are up to. Right now, as you are reading this, they are doing something. What are they doing? See, you don't even have a clue! Put down this book and head upstairs immediately!
· Not all unions are good and, in fact, many of them are just plain lousy. If you belong to one of the lazy, ineffective unions who are in bed with management or Bush, then you need to get your sorry ass down to the next union meeting and run for office.
· SUVs are not inherently evil; the fact that they use so much gas, that they are constructed to be killer machines, and that yuppie weasels drive them in urban areas is evil.
· Getting back to nature is a dumb idea. Nature doesn't want you anywhere near it. That's why nature created cities.
· Too many of us hold a hoity-toity view of religion and think the religious are superstitious 15th-century ignoramuses. We're wrong, and they have as much right to their religion as those among us who have no religion. This arrogance is a big reason the lower classes will always side with the Republicans.
· Why are you still bitching about rightwing author Ann Coulter? Sure, she's as crazy as a loon, but she's got more balls than the entire Democratic Leadership Council. You're just jealous because we don't have an Ann Coulter. And stop looking at her damn legs!
· The proposed "Liberal Radio Network"? What a stupid waste of time. Radio? Are you serious? What century are you in? Gee, why stop there - let's set up a Liberal Pony Express! How about a Liberal Morse code? SOS! Get into the 21st century! Get a TV network. Get an internet network. Get Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent to run for office!
· Animals don't have rights. Yes, they should be treated "humanely". Yes, Tyson Foods and all the others that "harvest" chickens are disgusting. But "freeing" chickens from their factory farms is idiotic. They don't know how to survive in the wild and they're just going to get hit by a truck.
· Nixon was more liberal than the last five presidents we've had. His administration opened up a dialogue with China. He was instrumental in establishing affirmative action in hiring and protecting the rights of women. He was the first president to sign agreements on nuclear weapons control. Nixon was responsible for the 1970 Clean Air Act. He also attempted a type of welfare reform that would have guaranteed an income for the poor. Nixon still should have been run out of office, and the millions of dead in south-east Asia will haunt him throughout eternity. But to think that he was the last "liberal" in office just makes me want to puke.
· Click here to buy the book at Amazon.com (Smirking Chimp earns a 15% commission)
· Click here to read part two
© Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003
Reprinted from The Guardian:
http://guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/
0,3605,1054730,00.html
You can read interesting articles at The Smirking Chimp
http://www.SmirkingChimp.com
Bmo thinks Americans are uncritical and unthinking slobs. Well, He's right, of course. Except for me and Michael Moore. Me and Mike are just slobs.
Here's a few great excerpts from his new book. The man is so honest, out-there and in-your-face some of it made ME uncomfortable. But he sure does make you think! Ripped from Smirking Chimp who apparently ripped it from the Guardian. (Unlike me, probably with permission.)
Michael Moore: 'How to talk to your conservative brother-in-law'
(Date: 2003-10-04 09:32:03)
There are a lot of fair-minded, pretty decent Republicans out there, believes Michael Moore - approach them in the right way, and they're ripe for conversion. He tells how in the first of our extracts from his brilliant new book, Dude, where's my country?
By Michael Moore, The Guardian
For the few of you who still hold some faith in Me, let Me assure you of the following:
1 I am the Lord thy God and he is the Son of George, not the Son of God. I will have him spending eternity parking cars in Hell's VIP lot as soon as I get my hands on him.
2 I did not order Bush to invade any countries. It is still wrong to kill other human beings unless they have a big knife at your throat and all pleas for mercy and a warning shot have gone unheeded. Killing humans is My job.
3 I do not want school kids praying to Me in a classroom. Save it for the church and before bedtime - that's enough for the little tykes. You keep forcing them to pray to Me, they are going to hate My ass. Stop it!
4 An embryo is an embryo, a foetus is a foetus, and a baby is a baby. That's the way I set it up. When it is a baby, then it becomes a human being. You humans are difficult enough, I don't need more of you around any sooner than necessary. And while we're on the subject, I really don't care about your sex lives, as long as they're consenting and adult. Just keep it to yourselves, OK?
5 Let Me state once and for all that I did not invent and do not endorse 'creationism'. It's a completely bogus concept, right up there with the New Hampshire primary and non-alcoholic beer. I'm an evolution guy, despite what the neanderthals claim in My name. Who do you think created science?
6 I do not approve of plaques and monuments with the 10 Commandments and other religious material being displayed in public buildings. My little-known 11th Commandment? Keep your religious convictions to your own damn selves.
7As far as those other religions go, two points of clarification. One, there are never going to be 72 virgins waiting for you up here. We haven't had a virgin up here since Jesus's mother, and you're not getting anywhere near her. So save yourself the dynamite and blown-to-bits body parts, because you aren't ever getting a room in My joint. And, two, there is no 'Promised Land'. That big truckload of sand I dumped in that horrid little strip between the Mediterranean and the river Jordan? Nobody was supposed to live on it, let alone fight over it to the point where it may result in the end of the world. I did not give that land to the Israelites, I did not give that land to Mohammed, and if everyone keeps using Me as the landlord I'm going to settle the dispute once and for all, so knock it off.
8 And, finally, no more of this 'God Bless America' crap. What makes you think you get to be blessed and no one else? I don't play favourites. You don't hear anyone in Djibouti saying 'God Bless Djibouti'. I have never heard anyone utter the words 'God Bless Botswana'. They know better. Let's get this straight - God don't bless America, God don't bless anyone, God has got a tee time on the back nine and he doesn't have time to be interrupted with this patriotic mumbo jumbo. Quit using My name as a justification for feeling superior to everyone else. You aren't. You are actually among the dumbest people on the planet. Don't think so? Name the president of Mexico. See? Ask anyone else in the world the name of the leader of the country next to theirs and they can tell you who it is. God bless America? More like God bleeps America.
_
You know the scene all too well. Thanksgiving dinner. The family has gathered around the table to share good times and a hearty meal. The cranberries are ripe, the bird is plump, and that brother-in-law of yours is at it again. "The Bush tax cut is going to put this country back on the road to prosperity!" The room goes uncomfortably silent and somebody tries to change the subject. The brother-in-law continues. He goes through the familiar litany: "too many deadbeats are on welfare"; "affirmative action is reverse discrimination"; "they should build more prisons and throw away the key". Finally, your cousin Lydia has heard enough and calls him a "racist" and a "dick". Suddenly Grandma's special dilled mashed potatoes are flying across the table like an American missile on a sunny morning in residential Baghdad.
Let's face it, almost every family has at least one rightwing reactionary of its very own, and there's not much you can do about it. It's a statistical certainty that for every two liberals, there will be one person who longs for the days of Strom Thurmond and legally accepted date rape.
I seem to have encountered most of these guys in the past year. Many of them have written me long letters filled with a passion rarely seen on our side of the political fence. Some stop me on the street. A few of these times I have asked if they would like to sit down and have a cup of coffee with me (though I don't even drink coffee, and they themselves clearly have had way too much of it). I don't engage them in argument but, rather, listen to them rant and rave about Bush, liberals, towelheads and welfare queens. It's quite a spiel.
But, if you listen long and hard enough, you can hear their faint and distant cries for help. It's clear that they suffer from a unique pathology that is slowly driving them insane. They are, at their core, very, very afraid. They are afraid because, ultimately, they are ignorant. They haven't a clue what it's like to be black or hopelessly poor or wishing to kiss someone of their own gender. This basic ignorance leads to their overwhelming and permanent state of fear. The fear quickly manifests itself into hate, which eventually leads to a very dark place. They become consumed with a desire to actually harm others, if not by their own hands (they are usually too afraid to do it themselves), then by having the state act in their stead: "TAKE AWAY THEIR FUNDING! ELIMINATE THEIR JOBS! EXECUTE THE BASTARDS!"
There is no school of therapy I know of to cure this illness; no medication developed yet by pharmaceutical companies for this conservative rage. (Actually, the drug companies need these Republican voters to insure that they will never truly be regulated; so it's in their best interest to make sure that these angry white guys are never healed.) But I firmly believe that many of these conservatives can be shown the error of their ways. They can be encouraged to think differently about the issues we are concerned about. I think there is a way to convert that brother-in-law of yours.
Now, you might say, "Whoa, wait a minute - I'm not into missionary work! Not if it means I have to walk among these cretins!" But don't you want to see change - real, lasting progressive change - in your lifetime? Don't you want to pull the rug out from under this supposedly conservative movement that infects our Congress with so many Republicans? Don't you wanna have a little fun?
I'm not talking about trying to change the minds of the terminally bigoted. I'm referring to the people you know and, yes, love. They take good care of their kids, they keep their houses fixed up nice, they volunteer at the church: and they always, incredibly, vote Republican.
Here's my theory: I don't believe these people really are Republicans. They are just using a word they heard because the word was associated with tradition, common sense and saving money. So they stuck the label on themselves. After all, who was the first Republican you heard about in history class? Honest Abe Lincoln - the guy good enough to be on the penny and the five-dollar bill!
These people are, in truth, Republican In Name Only - RINOs. Ask them a series of questions. Do you want a clean environment? Would you live in a neighbourhood with black people? Do you believe in going to war to resolve our differences with others? Most of the time they will not give the standard Republican answers. I have a friend who refers to herself as a Republican, but when I ask her if women should be paid as much as men, she responds, "We should be paid more!" When I ask her if people should be allowed to dump waste into the lake where she lives, she reminds me that she sits on the board of the local nature preserve. When I ask her how her mutual fund is doing since she was able to get rid of "that liar Clinton", she says, "Don't ask."
So, I say to her, if Bush has driven the economy into the ground, if the Republicans want to make it easier for people to dump shit into your lake, and if you think you should have the same rights as men - then why on earth do you call yourself a Republican?!
"Because the Democrats will raise my taxes," she responds, without missing a beat.
That is the RINO mantra. Even though they know the Republicans will make many parts of their lives more miserable, they hold on to that Republican label because of just one thing: they think the Democrats are out to steal their hard-earned money. If we really want to pull off a slam-dunk of permanent change, we need to bring a few million of these RINOs over to our side. They are waiting there, wanting to jump the fence - just as long as they can take their money with them.
I've come up with a bunch of suggestions for how we can enlarge our majority by reaching out to our RINO friends and relatives. Some of them will require a bit of humility on your part. Many of them, I'm convinced, will work.
1. First and foremost, assure your conservative friends or relatives that you do not want their money. You do not want them to make less money, nor do you want them to lose what money they have.
2. Second, every political argument you make must be about them and for them. They base every decision on "How does this benefit ME?" Instead of fighting this self-centredness, just go with it, embrace it, feed it.
3. Journey into the mind of the conservative. What you will encounter is fear. Fear of crime. Fear of enemies. Fear of change. Fear of people not exactly like them. And, of course, fear of losing any money on anything.
4. Tell them what you like about conservatives. Be honest. You know there are many things about conservatives that we like and believe in ourselves - even though we usually wouldn't be caught dead saying them out loud. Tell your conservative brother-in-law that you, too, are afraid of being a victim of crime and want to prevent criminals from getting away with their actions. Tell him that if America is actually attacked, you will be the first to defend the defenceless. Tell him you don't like freeloaders, either, especially that room-mate you had in college who never lifted a finger to pick up a damn thing and turned your place into a pigsty.
Tell him how dependable conservatives are. When you need something fixed, you call your redneck brother-in-law, don't you? You yourself can't fix a damn thing - and neither can any of your whiny liberal friends. Also, when you need a job, who hires you? The conservative who owns the business, that's who. And if you need someone beaten up, that bully who's been picking on you, you certainly aren't going to ask your uncle at the Unitarian church to do it for you. You never know when you're going to need that conservative relative.
Conservatives are organised, on time, efficient, well groomed and consistent. These are all good qualities and attributes, and we wish we were more that way.
5. Admit that the left has made mistakes. Ouch. This is a tough one. But, if you admit that, on occasion, you have been wrong, it's easier for the other person to consider what they have been wrong about, too.
· Mumia [the campaigning Pennsylvania journalist who was sentenced for the shooting of a police officer and has been on death row since 1982] probably killed that guy. There, I said it. That does not mean he should be denied a fair trial or that he should be put to death. But because we don't want to see him or anyone executed, the efforts to defend him may have overlooked the fact that he did indeed kill that cop. This takes nothing away from the eloquence of his writings or commentary, or the important place he now holds on the international political stage. But he probably did kill that guy.
· Drugs are bad. They fuck you up, slow you down and ruin your daily existence. Even though Nancy Reagan can kiss my ass, you really should just say no.
· Men and women are different. We are not the same gender. Do I have to show you the drawings? For instance, very few women pull out a gun and shoot someone on the street. The chance that a woman will mug you tonight on the way home from work is somewhere around nil. That is a quirk specific to my gender. Likewise, very few men could give a shit about making the bed. Why make the bed? Who is going to see it? What are we doing, protecting the sheets from something we don't want them to see during the day while we're at work?
· It's really a bad idea to have sex before you're 18. OK, maybe I'm just jealous because I had to wait until I was 32. None the less, the price to pay for teenage sex is pretty high - unwanted pregnancy, disease, and ending up with one ear bigger than the other because it's always cocked toward the front door in case the parents come home early.
· The sun is good for you. Your skin needs at least 10 minutes of direct sunlight a day for a much-needed shot of Vitamin D. Quit slapping all that sun block over your kids.
If you really are concerned about UV rays and skin cancer, then ask yourself, "When was the last time I attended a Greenpeace meeting in order to help make things better?"
· People who commit violent crimes should be locked up. Dangerous people should not be out on the street. Yes, they should get help. Yes, they should get rehabilitation. Yes, we should look for ways to reduce the root causes of crime. But no one has the right to assault you or rip you off, and if you can't bring yourself to show at least an ounce of outrage against those who would harm you, then you just look like a wimp or a nut to most normal people. In fact, I want to assault you right now.
· Your children do not have a right to privacy and you better pay attention to what they are up to. Right now, as you are reading this, they are doing something. What are they doing? See, you don't even have a clue! Put down this book and head upstairs immediately!
· Not all unions are good and, in fact, many of them are just plain lousy. If you belong to one of the lazy, ineffective unions who are in bed with management or Bush, then you need to get your sorry ass down to the next union meeting and run for office.
· SUVs are not inherently evil; the fact that they use so much gas, that they are constructed to be killer machines, and that yuppie weasels drive them in urban areas is evil.
· Getting back to nature is a dumb idea. Nature doesn't want you anywhere near it. That's why nature created cities.
· Too many of us hold a hoity-toity view of religion and think the religious are superstitious 15th-century ignoramuses. We're wrong, and they have as much right to their religion as those among us who have no religion. This arrogance is a big reason the lower classes will always side with the Republicans.
· Why are you still bitching about rightwing author Ann Coulter? Sure, she's as crazy as a loon, but she's got more balls than the entire Democratic Leadership Council. You're just jealous because we don't have an Ann Coulter. And stop looking at her damn legs!
· The proposed "Liberal Radio Network"? What a stupid waste of time. Radio? Are you serious? What century are you in? Gee, why stop there - let's set up a Liberal Pony Express! How about a Liberal Morse code? SOS! Get into the 21st century! Get a TV network. Get an internet network. Get Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent to run for office!
· Animals don't have rights. Yes, they should be treated "humanely". Yes, Tyson Foods and all the others that "harvest" chickens are disgusting. But "freeing" chickens from their factory farms is idiotic. They don't know how to survive in the wild and they're just going to get hit by a truck.
· Nixon was more liberal than the last five presidents we've had. His administration opened up a dialogue with China. He was instrumental in establishing affirmative action in hiring and protecting the rights of women. He was the first president to sign agreements on nuclear weapons control. Nixon was responsible for the 1970 Clean Air Act. He also attempted a type of welfare reform that would have guaranteed an income for the poor. Nixon still should have been run out of office, and the millions of dead in south-east Asia will haunt him throughout eternity. But to think that he was the last "liberal" in office just makes me want to puke.
· Click here to buy the book at Amazon.com (Smirking Chimp earns a 15% commission)
· Click here to read part two
© Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003
Reprinted from The Guardian:
http://guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/
0,3605,1054730,00.html
You can read interesting articles at The Smirking Chimp
http://www.SmirkingChimp.com
Friday, October 03, 2003
Buddhist (In-)tolerance?
Last night and this morning events occurred in my e-mail that were all at once- a little confusing, a little sad, a little amusing, a little curious and now, a little confounding.
Let's see if I can explain it so it makes sense.
Last night while working at the computer, I received an e-mail update from Rangzen.org. Rangzen is part of the "free Tibet" movement which I have supported and contributed to for years. I asked to be put on their mailing list and have received these updates semi-regularly for years. Rangzen is the ONLY list I subscribe to and the only e-mails I have ever received regarding this movement have been from Rangzen.
Less than a minute after I received that email I received another one from a man named Ben Boothe asking that we read his new book ("Flowers Facing the Sun", or something like that) if we truly support the "free Tibet" movement.
Hm. I didn't really think much of it and continued to work.
Then began what I will call "The Angry Buddhist E-mail Cascade"... Every few seconds someone wrote Rangzen to ask to be removed from the list because of Mr Boothes unsolicited book advertisement..... And E-MAILED IT TO EVERYONE ON THE LIST! I read many of them as I deleted them over the course of the evening- over 100 last night and 70 more this morning. Angry American Buddhists- one after another complaining, irate, begging for the e-mail avalanche to end. E-mails from monks saying they had nothing to do with it, and pleading that people just stop e-mailing the whole list and it would end.
One from a Dave Thompson caught my eye because he said what I was thinking during this whole event. Dave said something to the effect of "Please DO NOT remove me from the mailing list. Rangzen is wonderful and worthwhile and I look forward to receiving their e-mails." Dave also said that he was more than a little surprised at the impatience of some supposed Buddhists and that he was going to meditate on that. I was thinking basically the same thing and wrote Dave back and told him so. (I sent it to Dave and ONLY Dave.)
This morning I got up and continued to delete the 70 more or so Angry Buddhist e-mails. When I got to the bottom I noticed that the one that started it all, from Ben Boothe advertising his book, I had never deleted the night before.
I got to thinking that if this guy was really so dedicated to the cause that he would write a book about it, he certainly would be horrified that he had caused so much trouble and dismayed so many of his books most likely consumers and perhaps would want to explain himself. So I sent him an e-mail, giving him the benefit of the doubt, explaining what happened, if he didn't already know. I said that I was certain that he didn't intend for this to happen, but that perhaps he should contact Rangzen and explain that it was a mistake and apologize. I told him I was sure that he had probably written a wonderful book and that he would surely not want to alienate so many potential readers. Wrong.
I know I should have minded my own business- but YOU know ME- I couldn't resist. Tonight I received a response from Boothe. The Mother of all Angry Buddhists. On one hand claiming he didn't know what I was talking about, but in the next sentence complaining about how inconvenienced he was by receiving the same "avalanche" that I had. (Which would have made it impossible for him NOT to know what happened because half the e-mails complained about the advertisement for HIS book!)
Then he had the affrontery to ask ME what I had done for Tibet lately, (Now it's a Buddhist pissing contest?? Hey, Ben, I'll worry about MY karma, YOU worry about yours.) and proceeded to lecture me about how HE had actually BEEN to Tibet AND written a book! Well, bully for him! (Ironicly, I had booked a trip to Tibet last spring with my daughter, which was cancelled due to the SARS epidemic because the trip went through China.)
Next, he said he had contacted a computer "expert" who told him he had probably been hacked. (What marvelous karma! To be hacked by someone who sent his advertisement for a Tibet book to hundreds of Tibet supporters!)
Finally, He said that it was "a laugh" to think he could get someones "listserve" because all he knows about computers is how to turn them on and send an e-mail. "Nothing about the techinical (sic) aspect." (Pretty sad for a professional writer- I suppose the poor man wrote his whole book longhand with a pencil. Or maybe pounded it out on his rusty old Underwood.) I know more about computers than THAT, but I DON'T know what the word "listserve" means!
Now his letter has pissed me off and is stretching MY Buddhist tolerance to the limits. This guy is full of shit! I was trying to be nice! I was going to write him back and tell him so but, you got it instead!
Tashi Delak,
Chlora
Last night and this morning events occurred in my e-mail that were all at once- a little confusing, a little sad, a little amusing, a little curious and now, a little confounding.
Let's see if I can explain it so it makes sense.
Last night while working at the computer, I received an e-mail update from Rangzen.org. Rangzen is part of the "free Tibet" movement which I have supported and contributed to for years. I asked to be put on their mailing list and have received these updates semi-regularly for years. Rangzen is the ONLY list I subscribe to and the only e-mails I have ever received regarding this movement have been from Rangzen.
Less than a minute after I received that email I received another one from a man named Ben Boothe asking that we read his new book ("Flowers Facing the Sun", or something like that) if we truly support the "free Tibet" movement.
Hm. I didn't really think much of it and continued to work.
Then began what I will call "The Angry Buddhist E-mail Cascade"... Every few seconds someone wrote Rangzen to ask to be removed from the list because of Mr Boothes unsolicited book advertisement..... And E-MAILED IT TO EVERYONE ON THE LIST! I read many of them as I deleted them over the course of the evening- over 100 last night and 70 more this morning. Angry American Buddhists- one after another complaining, irate, begging for the e-mail avalanche to end. E-mails from monks saying they had nothing to do with it, and pleading that people just stop e-mailing the whole list and it would end.
One from a Dave Thompson caught my eye because he said what I was thinking during this whole event. Dave said something to the effect of "Please DO NOT remove me from the mailing list. Rangzen is wonderful and worthwhile and I look forward to receiving their e-mails." Dave also said that he was more than a little surprised at the impatience of some supposed Buddhists and that he was going to meditate on that. I was thinking basically the same thing and wrote Dave back and told him so. (I sent it to Dave and ONLY Dave.)
This morning I got up and continued to delete the 70 more or so Angry Buddhist e-mails. When I got to the bottom I noticed that the one that started it all, from Ben Boothe advertising his book, I had never deleted the night before.
I got to thinking that if this guy was really so dedicated to the cause that he would write a book about it, he certainly would be horrified that he had caused so much trouble and dismayed so many of his books most likely consumers and perhaps would want to explain himself. So I sent him an e-mail, giving him the benefit of the doubt, explaining what happened, if he didn't already know. I said that I was certain that he didn't intend for this to happen, but that perhaps he should contact Rangzen and explain that it was a mistake and apologize. I told him I was sure that he had probably written a wonderful book and that he would surely not want to alienate so many potential readers. Wrong.
I know I should have minded my own business- but YOU know ME- I couldn't resist. Tonight I received a response from Boothe. The Mother of all Angry Buddhists. On one hand claiming he didn't know what I was talking about, but in the next sentence complaining about how inconvenienced he was by receiving the same "avalanche" that I had. (Which would have made it impossible for him NOT to know what happened because half the e-mails complained about the advertisement for HIS book!)
Then he had the affrontery to ask ME what I had done for Tibet lately, (Now it's a Buddhist pissing contest?? Hey, Ben, I'll worry about MY karma, YOU worry about yours.) and proceeded to lecture me about how HE had actually BEEN to Tibet AND written a book! Well, bully for him! (Ironicly, I had booked a trip to Tibet last spring with my daughter, which was cancelled due to the SARS epidemic because the trip went through China.)
Next, he said he had contacted a computer "expert" who told him he had probably been hacked. (What marvelous karma! To be hacked by someone who sent his advertisement for a Tibet book to hundreds of Tibet supporters!)
Finally, He said that it was "a laugh" to think he could get someones "listserve" because all he knows about computers is how to turn them on and send an e-mail. "Nothing about the techinical (sic) aspect." (Pretty sad for a professional writer- I suppose the poor man wrote his whole book longhand with a pencil. Or maybe pounded it out on his rusty old Underwood.) I know more about computers than THAT, but I DON'T know what the word "listserve" means!
Now his letter has pissed me off and is stretching MY Buddhist tolerance to the limits. This guy is full of shit! I was trying to be nice! I was going to write him back and tell him so but, you got it instead!
Tashi Delak,
Chlora
Thursday, October 02, 2003
That great flushing sound from Oakland?
Red Sox 1, A's 5
Down 0-2 in the series-
....Red Sox....sucking....my....will....to....live.....
Red Sox 1, A's 5
Down 0-2 in the series-
....Red Sox....sucking....my....will....to....live.....
Oh yeah, and while we're at it- Last night while watching the 12 inning heartbreaker in Oakland til 2:30 in the morning- ESPN flashed the breaking news that Rush Limbaugh had resigned over the flap about the racist comments he made about Donovan McNabb on ESPNs Sunday NFL Countdown.
Well fine. But what I dont get is why is ESPN hiring Rush Limbaugh for a football talk show in the first place? And secondly, now they're all shocked and embarrassed by his comments??? Hey, if you hire "a big fat idiot" for a talk show, dont pretend you're shocked when he makes big, fat, idiotic statements. Whats wrong with them??
Well fine. But what I dont get is why is ESPN hiring Rush Limbaugh for a football talk show in the first place? And secondly, now they're all shocked and embarrassed by his comments??? Hey, if you hire "a big fat idiot" for a talk show, dont pretend you're shocked when he makes big, fat, idiotic statements. Whats wrong with them??
Thanks to my bud LabRat for the heads up on this piece from Truthout
Welcome to Vietnam, Mr. President.
Sorry you didn't go when you had the chance.
By Max Cleland
(A recent statement by an amazing man, Any emphases are mine.-- Chlora)
The president of the United States decides to go to war against a nation led by a brutal dictator supported by one-party rule. That dictator has made war on his neighbors. The president decides this is a threat to the United States.
In his campaign for president he gives no indication of wanting to go to war. In fact, he decries the overextension of American military might and says other nations must do more. However, unbeknownst to the American public, the president's own Pentagon advisers have already cooked up a plan to go to war. All they are looking for is an excuse.
Based on faulty intelligence, cherry-picked information is fed to Congress and the American people. The president goes on national television to make the case for war, using as part of the rationale an incident that never happened. Congress buys the bait -- hook, line and sinker -- and passes a resolution giving the president the authority to use "all necessary means" to prosecute the war.
The war is started with an air and ground attack. Initially there is optimism. The president says we are winning. The cocky, self-assured secretary of defense says we are winning. As a matter of fact, the secretary of defense promises the troops will be home soon.
However, the truth on the ground that the soldiers face in the war is different than the political policy that sent them there. They face increased opposition from a determined enemy. They are surprised by terrorist attacks, village assassinations, increasing casualties and growing anti-American sentiment. They find themselves bogged down in a guerrilla land war, unable to move forward and unable to disengage because there are no allies to turn the war over to.
There is no plan B. There is no exit strategy. Military morale declines. The president's popularity sinks and the American people are increasingly frustrated by the cost of blood and treasure poured into a never-ending war.
Sound familiar? It does to me.
The president was Lyndon Johnson. The cocky, self-assured secretary of defense was Robert McNamara. The congressional resolution was the Gulf of Tonkin resolution. The war was the war that I, U.S. Sens. John Kerry, Chuck Hagel and John McCain and 3 1/2 million other Americans of our generation were caught up in. It was the scene of America's longest war. It was also the locale of the most frustrating outcome of any war this nation has ever fought.
Unfortunately, the people who drove the engine to get into the war in Iraq never served in Vietnam. Not the president. Not the vice president. Not the secretary of defense. Not the deputy secretary of defense. Too bad. They could have learned some lessons:
-Don't underestimate the enemy. The enemy always has one option you cannot control. He always has the option to die. This is especially true if you are dealing with true believers and guerillas fighting for their version of reality, whether political or religious. They are what Tom Friedman of The New York Times calls the "non-deterrables." If those non-deterrables are already in their country, they will be able to wait you out until you go home.
-If the enemy adopts a "hit-and-run" strategy designed to inflict maximum casualties on you, you may win every battle, but (as Walter Lippman once said about Vietnam) you can't win the war.
-If you adopt a strategy of not just pre-emptive strike but also pre-emptive war, you own the aftermath. You better plan for it. You better have an exit strategy because you cannot stay there indefinitely unless you make it the 51st state.
-If you do stay an extended period of time, you then become an occupier, not a liberator. That feeds the enemy against you.
-If you adopt the strategy of pre-emptive war, your intelligence must be not just "darn good," as the president has said; it must be "bulletproof," as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld claimed the administration's was against Saddam Hussein. Anything short of that saps credibility.
-If you want to know what is really going on in the war, ask the troops on the ground, not the policy-makers in Washington.
In a democracy, instead of truth being the first casualty in war, it should be the first cause of war. It is the only way the Congress and the American people can cope with getting through it. As credibility is strained, support for the war and support for the troops go downhill. Continued loss of credibility drains troop morale, the media become more suspicious, the public becomes more incredulous and Congress is reduced to hearings and investigations.
Instead of learning the lessons of Vietnam, where all of the above happened, the president, the vice president, the secretary of defense and the deputy secretary of defense have gotten this country into a disaster in the desert.
They attacked a country that had not attacked us. They did so on intelligence that was faulty, misrepresented and highly questionable.
A key piece of that intelligence was an outright lie that the White House put into the president's State of the Union speech. These officials have overextended the American military, including the National Guard and the Reserve, and have expanded the U.S. Army to the breaking point.
A quarter of a million troops are committed to the Iraq war theater, most of them bogged down in Baghdad. Morale is declining and casualties continue to increase.
In addition to the human cost, the war in dollars costs $1 billion a week, adding to the additional burden of an already depressed economy.
The president has declared "major combat over" and sent a message to every terrorist, "Bring them on." As a result, he has lost more people in his war than his father did in his and there is no end in sight.
Military commanders are left with extended tours of duty for servicemen and women who were told long ago they were going home. We are keeping American forces on the ground, where they have become sitting ducks in a shooting gallery for every terrorist in the Middle East.
Welcome to Vietnam, Mr. President. Sorry you didn't go when you had the chance.
Former U.S. Senator Max Cleland volunteered for duty in Vietnam where he lost both of his legs and his right arm in a grenade explosion. He headed the Veterans Administration in the Carter administration and was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1996. In 2002, Cleland lost his bid for reelection when his opponent ran attack ads that questioned his patriotism and featured photos of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. He has received numerous awards for his bravery and service including the military's Silver Star for Gallantry in Action. When the Reserve Officers' Association named Cleland its "Minute Man of the Year" for his work in the Senate, he joined past Presidents Bush, Reagan and Ford in receiving the association's highest honor. Currently, Max Cleland is a distinguished adjunct professor at American University's Washington Semester Program.
Welcome to Vietnam, Mr. President.
Sorry you didn't go when you had the chance.
By Max Cleland
(A recent statement by an amazing man, Any emphases are mine.-- Chlora)
The president of the United States decides to go to war against a nation led by a brutal dictator supported by one-party rule. That dictator has made war on his neighbors. The president decides this is a threat to the United States.
In his campaign for president he gives no indication of wanting to go to war. In fact, he decries the overextension of American military might and says other nations must do more. However, unbeknownst to the American public, the president's own Pentagon advisers have already cooked up a plan to go to war. All they are looking for is an excuse.
Based on faulty intelligence, cherry-picked information is fed to Congress and the American people. The president goes on national television to make the case for war, using as part of the rationale an incident that never happened. Congress buys the bait -- hook, line and sinker -- and passes a resolution giving the president the authority to use "all necessary means" to prosecute the war.
The war is started with an air and ground attack. Initially there is optimism. The president says we are winning. The cocky, self-assured secretary of defense says we are winning. As a matter of fact, the secretary of defense promises the troops will be home soon.
However, the truth on the ground that the soldiers face in the war is different than the political policy that sent them there. They face increased opposition from a determined enemy. They are surprised by terrorist attacks, village assassinations, increasing casualties and growing anti-American sentiment. They find themselves bogged down in a guerrilla land war, unable to move forward and unable to disengage because there are no allies to turn the war over to.
There is no plan B. There is no exit strategy. Military morale declines. The president's popularity sinks and the American people are increasingly frustrated by the cost of blood and treasure poured into a never-ending war.
Sound familiar? It does to me.
The president was Lyndon Johnson. The cocky, self-assured secretary of defense was Robert McNamara. The congressional resolution was the Gulf of Tonkin resolution. The war was the war that I, U.S. Sens. John Kerry, Chuck Hagel and John McCain and 3 1/2 million other Americans of our generation were caught up in. It was the scene of America's longest war. It was also the locale of the most frustrating outcome of any war this nation has ever fought.
Unfortunately, the people who drove the engine to get into the war in Iraq never served in Vietnam. Not the president. Not the vice president. Not the secretary of defense. Not the deputy secretary of defense. Too bad. They could have learned some lessons:
-Don't underestimate the enemy. The enemy always has one option you cannot control. He always has the option to die. This is especially true if you are dealing with true believers and guerillas fighting for their version of reality, whether political or religious. They are what Tom Friedman of The New York Times calls the "non-deterrables." If those non-deterrables are already in their country, they will be able to wait you out until you go home.
-If the enemy adopts a "hit-and-run" strategy designed to inflict maximum casualties on you, you may win every battle, but (as Walter Lippman once said about Vietnam) you can't win the war.
-If you adopt a strategy of not just pre-emptive strike but also pre-emptive war, you own the aftermath. You better plan for it. You better have an exit strategy because you cannot stay there indefinitely unless you make it the 51st state.
-If you do stay an extended period of time, you then become an occupier, not a liberator. That feeds the enemy against you.
-If you adopt the strategy of pre-emptive war, your intelligence must be not just "darn good," as the president has said; it must be "bulletproof," as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld claimed the administration's was against Saddam Hussein. Anything short of that saps credibility.
-If you want to know what is really going on in the war, ask the troops on the ground, not the policy-makers in Washington.
In a democracy, instead of truth being the first casualty in war, it should be the first cause of war. It is the only way the Congress and the American people can cope with getting through it. As credibility is strained, support for the war and support for the troops go downhill. Continued loss of credibility drains troop morale, the media become more suspicious, the public becomes more incredulous and Congress is reduced to hearings and investigations.
Instead of learning the lessons of Vietnam, where all of the above happened, the president, the vice president, the secretary of defense and the deputy secretary of defense have gotten this country into a disaster in the desert.
They attacked a country that had not attacked us. They did so on intelligence that was faulty, misrepresented and highly questionable.
A key piece of that intelligence was an outright lie that the White House put into the president's State of the Union speech. These officials have overextended the American military, including the National Guard and the Reserve, and have expanded the U.S. Army to the breaking point.
A quarter of a million troops are committed to the Iraq war theater, most of them bogged down in Baghdad. Morale is declining and casualties continue to increase.
In addition to the human cost, the war in dollars costs $1 billion a week, adding to the additional burden of an already depressed economy.
The president has declared "major combat over" and sent a message to every terrorist, "Bring them on." As a result, he has lost more people in his war than his father did in his and there is no end in sight.
Military commanders are left with extended tours of duty for servicemen and women who were told long ago they were going home. We are keeping American forces on the ground, where they have become sitting ducks in a shooting gallery for every terrorist in the Middle East.
Welcome to Vietnam, Mr. President. Sorry you didn't go when you had the chance.
Former U.S. Senator Max Cleland volunteered for duty in Vietnam where he lost both of his legs and his right arm in a grenade explosion. He headed the Veterans Administration in the Carter administration and was elected to the U.S. Senate in 1996. In 2002, Cleland lost his bid for reelection when his opponent ran attack ads that questioned his patriotism and featured photos of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. He has received numerous awards for his bravery and service including the military's Silver Star for Gallantry in Action. When the Reserve Officers' Association named Cleland its "Minute Man of the Year" for his work in the Senate, he joined past Presidents Bush, Reagan and Ford in receiving the association's highest honor. Currently, Max Cleland is a distinguished adjunct professor at American University's Washington Semester Program.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
No comment box temporarily
Got a notice today from Blogspeak that a virus has infected the comments program and they recommended removing it til it's fixed. (They say soon.) So no comments for now. But please email me with any comments, I love the feedback.
Found out today my Mom's reading the blog. Mom you're welcome here but keep in mind anything you dont like and the foul language? That's Chlora not me! She's a big foul mouthed liar, but she writes better than me! And this is her blog, I just type it. ;-) Hey, just like family, you can't pick your imaginary friends!
Got a notice today from Blogspeak that a virus has infected the comments program and they recommended removing it til it's fixed. (They say soon.) So no comments for now. But please email me with any comments, I love the feedback.
Found out today my Mom's reading the blog. Mom you're welcome here but keep in mind anything you dont like and the foul language? That's Chlora not me! She's a big foul mouthed liar, but she writes better than me! And this is her blog, I just type it. ;-) Hey, just like family, you can't pick your imaginary friends!
Monday, September 29, 2003
HeLLLOOO? hello..hello..hello
IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? there....there...there
Somebody, for godsake, Tell me why I shouldnt just write this shit down on paper, set it on fire, throw it in the sink, and go read a book?
IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? there....there...there
Somebody, for godsake, Tell me why I shouldnt just write this shit down on paper, set it on fire, throw it in the sink, and go read a book?
"Red Sox Still in the Running" OR "Chlora Tries to Talk Some Sense into Me"
The conversation in my head goes something like this:
Linda: Ooh, ooh, ooh! The Sox clinched the wild card spot. This could be good, this could be "IT"!
Quiet voice: Uh, Linda...
Linda: No, no, Really! All we gotta do is beat Oakland. Then it's the Yankees. Yeah, yeah, no problem! We beat 'em like a drums a few weeks ago! This could happen!
Louder Voice: AHEM! Linda... We've discussed this before...
Linda: Nonononono! Listen Chlora, this year it's DIFFERENT. I can handle it!
Chlora: Yeah, Riiiiight. I'd end up scraping your soul out of the muck again just like every other year. And besides- we had a deal. I'd allow you to watch Red Sox games ONLY if you promised to watch for no other reason than to check their asses out in the tight uniforms. (Variteks thighs..yum!) NOT Red Sox and Fenway Park history. NOT the beauty of the physics and mathematics of the game or any of THAT CRAP. NOT the competition. You are freakishly obsessed. You have a problem. You need to deal with this masochistic Red Sox fanaticism you have. It's not your fault... It's a disease.
Linda: HEY! I can stop any time I want!
Chlora: It may be time for some "tough love" here...
Linda: But Chlora, Chlora, Listen to this... What if...What if the Sox beat the Yankees. And then the Cubs won the National League, they just clinched their division....
Chlora:OH GOOD CHRIST!! NOT THE RED SOX/CUBS WORLD SERIES FANTASY AGAIN!! The friggin' CUBS??? What is it with you and your pathological attraction to losers? Alright, Looks like I'm gonna have to play HARDBALL.. (snort, snort, sorry)... Seriously, I have to save you from yourself.
Linda: Take your best shot, Cat bitch! You cant stop me from hoping!
Chlora: Oh reeeally? I can stick "Safety Dance" in your head again. You liked that dintcha? "You can dance if you want to- You can leave your friends behind...."
Linda:Do it! I dont care!
Chlora:I knoww... Remember last year? Three days of "Put the Lime in the Coconut"? Huh? Huh? How 'bout THAT??
Linda: You know? I actually DID kinda like that in a weird way....
Chlora: Jeez this is tougher than I thought. Okay, you asked for it man. This may hurt me more than it hurts you. Im gonna dig out... The Phone Number!
Linda: Wha?? I dont know what you're talking about.. What phone number?
Chlora: Time for maybe a little call from... "Jenny" hmm?
Linda: Jenny? Who the fu...? Ohhh no. NONONO! Okay Okay. Not THAT! Stop kidding around!
Chlora: Hmm. Now, how's that go again? eight seven? Noo.. eight SIX seven.. Yeah THAT'S it!
Linda: Chlora DONT!!! You KNOW what that does to me! The migraines! The bleeding ears! The seizures! The projectile vomiting! You win! No Red Sox! No Cubs! NO HOPING!!! I PROMISE! Just dont unleash THAT SONG!!!!
Chlora: Im sorry Linda. It's for your own good. I dont trust you. Now, howzit go? something-something.. " i found your number on the waAalll..." YEAHHHH!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!! "EIGHT-SIX-SEVEN-FIVE-THREE-OH-NIIIINE (eight six seven five three oh nine) EIGHT-SIX-SEVEN-FIVE THREE-OH-NIEEEN...."
Linda: ohno ohno ohno....
Chlora: Sorry kid, Had to be done. .....la-la -lalala three oh nine....
The conversation in my head goes something like this:
Linda: Ooh, ooh, ooh! The Sox clinched the wild card spot. This could be good, this could be "IT"!
Quiet voice: Uh, Linda...
Linda: No, no, Really! All we gotta do is beat Oakland. Then it's the Yankees. Yeah, yeah, no problem! We beat 'em like a drums a few weeks ago! This could happen!
Louder Voice: AHEM! Linda... We've discussed this before...
Linda: Nonononono! Listen Chlora, this year it's DIFFERENT. I can handle it!
Chlora: Yeah, Riiiiight. I'd end up scraping your soul out of the muck again just like every other year. And besides- we had a deal. I'd allow you to watch Red Sox games ONLY if you promised to watch for no other reason than to check their asses out in the tight uniforms. (Variteks thighs..yum!) NOT Red Sox and Fenway Park history. NOT the beauty of the physics and mathematics of the game or any of THAT CRAP. NOT the competition. You are freakishly obsessed. You have a problem. You need to deal with this masochistic Red Sox fanaticism you have. It's not your fault... It's a disease.
Linda: HEY! I can stop any time I want!
Chlora: It may be time for some "tough love" here...
Linda: But Chlora, Chlora, Listen to this... What if...What if the Sox beat the Yankees. And then the Cubs won the National League, they just clinched their division....
Chlora:OH GOOD CHRIST!! NOT THE RED SOX/CUBS WORLD SERIES FANTASY AGAIN!! The friggin' CUBS??? What is it with you and your pathological attraction to losers? Alright, Looks like I'm gonna have to play HARDBALL.. (snort, snort, sorry)... Seriously, I have to save you from yourself.
Linda: Take your best shot, Cat bitch! You cant stop me from hoping!
Chlora: Oh reeeally? I can stick "Safety Dance" in your head again. You liked that dintcha? "You can dance if you want to- You can leave your friends behind...."
Linda:Do it! I dont care!
Chlora:I knoww... Remember last year? Three days of "Put the Lime in the Coconut"? Huh? Huh? How 'bout THAT??
Linda: You know? I actually DID kinda like that in a weird way....
Chlora: Jeez this is tougher than I thought. Okay, you asked for it man. This may hurt me more than it hurts you. Im gonna dig out... The Phone Number!
Linda: Wha?? I dont know what you're talking about.. What phone number?
Chlora: Time for maybe a little call from... "Jenny" hmm?
Linda: Jenny? Who the fu...? Ohhh no. NONONO! Okay Okay. Not THAT! Stop kidding around!
Chlora: Hmm. Now, how's that go again? eight seven? Noo.. eight SIX seven.. Yeah THAT'S it!
Linda: Chlora DONT!!! You KNOW what that does to me! The migraines! The bleeding ears! The seizures! The projectile vomiting! You win! No Red Sox! No Cubs! NO HOPING!!! I PROMISE! Just dont unleash THAT SONG!!!!
Chlora: Im sorry Linda. It's for your own good. I dont trust you. Now, howzit go? something-something.. " i found your number on the waAalll..." YEAHHHH!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!! "EIGHT-SIX-SEVEN-FIVE-THREE-OH-NIIIINE (eight six seven five three oh nine) EIGHT-SIX-SEVEN-FIVE THREE-OH-NIEEEN...."
Linda: ohno ohno ohno....
Chlora: Sorry kid, Had to be done. .....la-la -lalala three oh nine....
