THE WORST IN ADVERTISING
{Just by themselves, these advertisements made you want to boycott
the company}
(1) GIRLFRIEND
"Experience erotic virtual romance with Girlfriend!"
"Maybe it's time to try your hand at a "real" virtual woman!"
"PEEK in on her as she goes about her daily activities"
-- AIVR Corporation, Richardson, TX (1994; $59.95 {sound $29.95 extra})
Comments: This obviously played to the worst images of computer geekdom. Of course, after all its posturing, the ad copy noted that it was G-rated. Sadly, it didn't note its strongest point -- yes, you could balance a beer can on its head (assuming that you didn't spill it down the innards of your monitor).
(2) BECOME A GAME REVIEWER!
Receive hundreds of free games!
We will show you how.
~ Full course on becoming a reviewer
~ direct telephone number for training support
~ material for attending CES
~ quarterly newsletter
If you don't receive at least six games in six months by following our method, you will
receive a full refund!
-- Reviewers of America, Philadelphia, PA (1994; $39.95)
Comments: "If U cn rd this, U kan B a re-vuer"; of course, you are also a moron.
(3) BATTLE CRUISER 3000
Before the disaster of the game, there was the disaster of the advertising -- as a girl in a negligee looks out at the reader, the advertisement copy reads: "NOT NOW!! ... BATTLECRUISER 3000 A.D. The last thing you'll ever desire."
-- Derek Smart, GameTek (1995)
Comments: Obviously the nicest thing about the intended audience is that they will be incapable of reproduction unless they decide to clone themselves (and the only reason they might do that is to find additional opponents).
(4) M.A.X.
Designer Ali Atabek was so grateful after receiving his American citizenship that he offered this game to the Pentagon for strategic planning purposes. The press release noted that the Defense Department's budget had been decreased, and this was the designer's attempt at repayment. In addition, any military personnel (from the "Extraterrestrial Warplans Group") could receive a free copy of the game by requesting it on official letterhead stationery.
-- Interplay (1996)
Comments: Although the company now maintains that the press release was "tongue-in-cheek", at the time, no such claims were made. This was an attempt to use the military cachet to legitimize a game which had nothing to do with military plans, policies or strategic doctrine. At best, it was in poor taste; at worst, it was unethical. The Extraterrestrial Warplans Group was made up by Interplay, and their attempt to offer the game to the Pentagon consisted of sending an unsolicited letter to "Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff, Washington, DC." No prior discussions were held, no attempt at determining the correct office in the Pentagon was made, no serious offer was extended.
(5) DEATHTRAP DUNGEON
"Beat me. Whip me. Just don't hit that Quit button."
-- Eidos (1997)
Comments: With the picture displaying a dominatrix preparing to whip a chained-to-the-wall male, this really reinforces a self-reliant image. I suppose the logical sequel will be CANING: THE ENGLISH PUBLIC SCHOOL EXPERIENCE.
(6) X-COM: APOCALYPSE
heroinhell, what's left?
s&m
unfiltered cigs
binge drinking
creamed corn
one night stands
-- MicroProse (1997)
Comments: Aside from wondering what creamed corn has in common with S&M (the possibilities boggle the mind) , the concept that all the "good" things are bad for you has definitely been taken to an unconscionable extreme.
(7) TAKE NO PRISONERS
NOW YOU CAN SEE THE EXIT WOUND, TOO.
-- RedOrb (1997)
Comments: A "new perspective on 3D action" games, the advertisement shows a top-down view of the player literally eviscerating an enemy with a powerful gunblast. As blood explodes behind the victim, such entrancing sights as "kidney stones", "lower intestines", "pancreas", "yesterday's burrito", and the "8th thoracic vertebra" are matter-of-factly pointed out as they are spattered across the walls. If Webster's needs to update, this entry can be found under "taste, lack thereof".
(8) POSTAL
"Blast, maim and firebomb your way through 17 unsuspecting locales.... So freakin' real, your victims will actually beg for mercy and scream for their lives! ....Mass murder opportunities: spray protestors, mow down marching bands and char-boil whole towns."
-- Ripcord Games (1997)
Comments: OK, I thought TAKE NO PRISONERS (supra) was the ultimate in poor taste. Obviously I made a major error. Aside from the distorted concept and subject matter, this "game" should define pornography -- it has no redeeming social value. Innocence is now a target; passersby the goal. The sheer dissonance can offer some humor, but it quickly pales as one realizes that this is deserving of the "Charles Manson Award of Game Design". What are the sequels -- Ted Bundy, All-American Boy or Einsatzkommando (The Game of Mobile Extermination Teams)?
(9) COMPETITIVE EDGE No. 13 (HONORABLE MENTION; 1998)
Comments: This is not a computer game, but rather a paper wargaming magazine with an enclosed game. The cover says it all -- the picture portrays a prepubescent girl clad in a pair of farmer's jeans with over-the-shoulder straps. She is bare from the waist up, although only her back is visible. Why is this part of a gaming magazine? -- because the included game is HATFIELDS VERSUS McCOYS. To top it off, the upper right notes that COMPETITIVE EDGE is "THE ADULT GAMING MAGAZINE". Perhaps they are trying to appeal to a new market -- pederasts. As a special bonus, an additional game is included -- WRESTLING. Here, we have a wargaming magazine with two of the three R's: Rednecks and Rasslin'; only Rubber is missing. Perhaps the next issue will be NASCAR or DIRT TRACK.
(10) QUAKE III ARENA
"If you want to spank a stranger, first learn to
play with yourself."
-- Activision (1999)
Comments: The background illustration shows four vending machines a la prophylactic dispensers in a seedy men's room. I suppose this completes the three R's (above). But whatever the case, this sophomoric humor deserves its very own Bronx cheer.
(11) EB WORLD.COM
"Know you're gonna score."
Comments: In the accompanying photograph, although the user is looking at the computer screen in the foreground, the young lady in the midspace looks ready for a bit of joystick manipulation. An unsubtle appeal to the concept that sex sells.