______________________
Top 12 things not to say to a cop:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about a hundred and twenty five to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk are you?
8. Gee Officer, that's terrific! The last officer only game me a warning too!
9. I pay your salary! (or "I'll have your badge!")
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they were!
12. When the officer says "Son, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Quotes:
"The
handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you
wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Jokes:
Caught For Speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that
was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The
guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a Bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low
bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck
driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
Dealing with Trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report
of a barroom disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300
pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Mohammed Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you
really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you
see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes."I
can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he
replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
I'm going to a Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? "the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man