Integrity is the Answer

I am worried about our country and our world.

The economic crisis we find ourselves in is the result of individuals at every level of society (yes - you and me) not doing enough of the right things when opportunities to do the right things presented themselves. Long-term economic prosperity and personal happiness are inextricably connected to individual responsibility. So, it makes no sense to blame the "evil" corporations, power-hungry politicians, or the entitlement underclass for the economic downturn we are facing, even though there are some serious deficits in those elements of our society. We are all to blame.

My belief is that we are getting this economic turmoil because of cynicism and narcissism. The way forward is for individuals at every level of society to act with differentiation and integrity. Going along to get along in a narcissistic world is a recipe for a an unfulfilled life and a failed civilization.

Tim Russert - An All-American

I think Tim Russert, who died this week, was an All-American guy with working class roots, an abiding respect for family, who was inspired by faith. He was extremely hard working and self-motivated, and in flow much of the time. As I take a look at his life he strikes me as one of the few excellent role models out there for guys like me who are a little younger and think a lot about our own significance and legacy.

Russert had a Jesuit Catholic education, a factor that apparently contributed to his strong community ethic. He certainly saw himself as his brother's keeper.

Russert's life brings to mind the final scene from "Saving Private Ryan" in which the now elderly, Ryan hopes that he has honored the men that saved him and metaphorically, all of the great heroic men that sacrificed for all of us, by asking his wife, "Have I been a good man? Have I lived a good life?". I think men, especially, are deeply affected by this. It is in our evolutionary programming to try to live with honor and significance.

So, for a lot of reasons, Russert just seemed like an excellent and decent guy, a leader and a great citizen. I fear we are producing less and less of them.

Competitive Edge?

In a turbo-competitive society everyone is looking for an edge in order to get ahead of the next guy. But what are the costs of such edge-seeking? Contentment. And contentment, what some psychologists refer to as satisficing, makes for a happier life. I'm a proponent of competition as I believe that is one aspect of a healthy life, but when you cross the edge between competition and obsession with getting ahead, you trade success for happiness. That is your choice.

From Wikipedia - Satisficing is a decision-making strategy which attempts to meet criteria for adequacy, rather than to identify an optimal solution. A satisficing strategy may often, in fact, be (near) optimal if the costs of the decision-making process itself, such as the cost of obtaining complete information, are considered in the outcome calculus.

Buy Less Stuff - Be Happy

This is my annual plea to encourage folks to appreciate the simpler things in life and forget about the stuff.

We are in a soft recession spurned by our out of control spending. Over the past ten years 40% of buyers purchased their homes with zero money down. We have a near zero savings rate in this country. Most people are financing their over-spending with home equity loans and maxed-out credit cards.

All this is occurring despite the well-established research that finds that purchasing stuff does not make us any happier. I see quite the opposite in my practice as financial worry is one of the top reasons people come to see me. In fact, people that have a materialistic value orientation tend to be less happy than those that are less materialistic.

Whenever I hear one of our national leaders implore people to spend more I cringe. We need to spend less! Isn't that obvious given the above information?

So, this year for the holiday season simply tell your loved ones that you love them very much but you are making a decision to curtail your spending this year and you decided to give them the gift of time instead. Ask them to do the same for you. Or, make them something thoughtful. Or, give them something of your own that is meaningful to you as in the Native American tradition. There are lots of ways to express love besides buying stuff. Try it this year.

Giving and Taking

Conventional wisdom suggests that we should seek what family therapists call "give and take" in all relationships in order to experience a happy and healthy relationship life. In other words, our overall relationship life should be in balance - our taking should be even with our giving. We therapists have joined the secular individualists and become great at helping people get what they "need" in life but we have trouble inspiring people to give. My advice is to discard the conventional wisdom and try giving without expectations of getting. It is hard. But the interpersonal rewards are there. Have faith in the universe and give freely to others. You will grow and prosper.

Find Balance and Achieve Health

Hello Friends:

Have you noticed that our country seems to be increasingly divided into polar opposites? And that the more a person believes he is being seduced by one extreme the harder he pulls in the opposite direction? That's not a healthy way to live.

In my temporary new home in Utah there are many people that identify with the majority religion and would call themselves as staunchly socially conservative. Other folks, it seems, perhaps in order to define themselves as different from the majority, appear to me to be radical humanists and eschew all religion. We've got quite a chasm here and it is reflected in the media, politics, and social configurations. It makes for unhealthy living. Balance is virtue.

Seek truth with humility and tolerance. Focus on the essence rather than the labels. Find community in sameness rather than difference.

Self-Regulation, Habit, and Fun

Of all the challenges folks face in life my experience in therapy with people suggests that self-regulation, the capacity to control your energies, thoughts and actions, is the most important learned skill. Folks that do it well tend to have balanced and fulfilling lives. Folks that struggle to self-regulate tend to have poor relationships, addictions, and other problems.

Peterson and Seligman (2004, p. 510) offer the following practical observation and recommendation: "To live a balanced, well-regulated life, it may be necessary to recognize that the capacity for controlling oneself depends on a limited resource that needs to be managed effectively and conserved for the most pressing or important demands. In practice, this entails that much of life must be guided by habit, routine, and other automatic processes, so that the demands for conscious control over oneself are kept down to the level that the self's limited resources can meet."

I believe this is wonderful, sage advice, the kind our grandparents would have given us. So, find yourself a healthy routine in 2006 and stick to it. This does not mean that there is never any room for impulsiveness or creativity. On the contrary, good routine opens up the possibility for healthy creativity and fun by stabilizing our energies so that we have the resources for fun.

Develop some good habits in 2006 and have some fun!

8 Steps to Boost Happiness

8 STEPS TO BOOST HAPPINESS

Sonja Lyubomirsky

1. Count your blessings. One way to do this is with a "gratitude journal" in which you write down three to five things for which you are thankful - from the mundane (your peonies are in bloom) to the magnificent (a child's first steps). Do this once a week, say, on Sunday night. Keep it fresh by varying your entries as much as possible.

2. Practice acts of kindness. These should be both random (let that harried mom go ahead of you in the check-out line) and systematic(bring Sunday supper to an elderly neighbor, visiting a sick friend). Being kind to others, whether friends or strangers, triggers a cascade of positive effects it makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others and wins you smiles,approval and reciprocated kindness all happiness boosters.

3. Savor life's joys. Pay close attention to momentary pleasures and wonders. Focus on the sweetness of a ripe strawberry or the warmth of the sun when you step out from the shade. Some psychologists suggest taking "mental photographs" of pleasurable moments to review in less happy times.

4. Thank a mentor. If there's someone whom you owe a debt of gratitude for guiding you at one of life's crossroads, don't wait to express your appreciation-in detail and, if possible, in person, To turbo charge your joy, Seligman says, is to make a "gratitude visit." That means writing a testimonial thanking a teacher, pastor or grandparent anyone to whom you owe a debt of gratitude and then visiting that person to read him or her the letter of appreciation.

5. Learn to forgive. Let go of anger and resentment by writing a letter of forgiveness to a person who has hurt or wronged you. Inability to forgive is associated with persistent rumination or dwelling on revenge, while forgiving bolsters positive feelings about your past and gives you peace of mind.

6. Invest time and energy in friends and family. Where you live, how much money you make, your job title and even your health have surprisingly small effects on your satisfaction with life. The biggest factor appears to be strong personal relationships.

7. Take care of your body. Getting plenty of sleep, exercising, stretching, smiling and laughing can all enhance your mood in the short term. Practiced regularly, they can help make your daily life more satisfying.

8. Develop strategies for coping with stress and hardships. There is no way to avoid hard times. Religious faith has been shown to help people cope and genuinely lifts the spirit, but so do the secular beliefs enshrined in axioms like "This too shall pass" and "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger." The trick is that you have to believe them.

Living Well

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of Earth`s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction."

by Betty Anderson Stanley

Character

It is not easy. I am talking about doing the right thing even when noone is looking or when doing something else would get you more immediate satisfaction. But your mental health and your character are one in the same. Strong character = a strong personality. And a good life. Give it a try.

On Male Depression

Gentlemen: Don't wait.




Many people asume that depression presents with the typical warning signs like dysphoric mood or lack of motivation. But in many of the depressed men I have seen in my practice the primary complaints are frequent agitation, loss of meaning, and eratic or unpredictable behavior.

It is my belief that the very excesses of capitalism like maximizing time, materials, and entertainment, cause depression. The nature of our male existence in this consumer culture leaves us out of balance with healthy rhythms of life- in essence, depressed.

Build Your Own Emotional Health Now

There isn't anyone that will take care of your emotional health for you. In Star Wars nomenclature, the force is with you. So do what you have to do and don't wait for the perfect moment because that moment will never come. Why not .......

• Extend yourself to the people you want in your life.
• Avoid toxic environmental garbage.
• Go to nature.
• Devote yourself to a cause.
• Savor beautiful moments.
• Take back your time.
• Stop gorging on unnecessary creature comforts.
• Throw out useless junk. Donate things others can use.
• Change jobs if you hate the one you've got.
• Be a better parent/spouse/sibling/son or daughter.
• Don't watch commercials.
• Let yourself cry when you are sad.
• Laugh a lot.
• Count your blessings.

Thriving in 2005

Five steps for building wellbeing:

• Tell the people who are important to you how they add to your life.
• Be present, now, especially with people who matter.
• Keep this in mind: Good conversation is always a source of great pleasure.
• Stop thinking ‘If only…' Make up your mind to feel good right now.
• You wouldn't fill your house with garbage. Treat your mind with the same care.

© Dr Ann Villiers, Mental Nutritionist®, www.mentalnutrition.com

Authoring Your Own Life Story

Nurture your self-esteem.

Be true to yourself rather than trying to be what someone else expects of you. Focus on what you can do, tasks you can achieve, situations you can influence.

Take an active role in your community or in an organization or activity that helps others.

Develop a new skill: learn a language or a new sport or how to fix a car; take up knitting, cooking or woodworking; join a book club; try out for an amateur production; become a docent at a museum; help organizations that feed the elderly and infirm; volunteer your services at community groups like the local Y, school, library or park.

There are myriad opportunities; just look or ask around and you will find them.

Take a chance on change if jobs, habits or activities you've long pursued are no longer satisfying or efficient. Change is frightening to people who lack resilience, but those who try it usually find that they land on their feet, and that fosters resilience.

And if a new path does not seem to be working out well, change again.

Take a long, hard look at the people in your life and consider abandoning friends who drag you down or reinforce your negative scripts. For those - like family members - from whom you can't escape, practice ignoring their put-downs and not taking them so seriously.

Seek out activities that elevate your spiritual life and nurture your inner strength: for example, art, music, literature, religion, meditation, the great outdoors.

From Brooks and Goldstein, The Power of Resilience.

Clean Your Relational House for the New Year

Each year many of us come up with resolutions that we believe will change our lives forever. The most popular resolutions are a better diet or exercise, quitting smoking, or changing some other unwanted behavior. Often times our efforts fail despite our best intentions. This year why not try cleaning house. I am not talking about your attic or living room although I favor that too. There is nothing that saps one's energy more than clutter, excessive useless stuff that gets in the way of living. Getting rid of that stuff will make you feel better.

But why not clean your relational house too? Decide to devote your energies to the people in your lives that matter to you the most and let go of those relationships that are out of balance for you. And strive to create better "give-and-take" in all of your relationships. We all have relationships that take more than they give. If these are family responsibilities then there is not much you can do about it. We are obliged to take care of our own. But most of us also have people in our lives that are there just because they happen to be there and we'd rather not spend time with them. So why do we do it? Because we've always done it. Be more intentional this year and reach out to those you want to be around and avoid the ones you don't. It is a simple plan, but difficult to execute if you don't make a concerted effort. But if you do it you'll have a much higher quality of life. And your chosen friends will be glad you did too.

How to get Happier

HOW TO GET HAPPIER

Thinking and doing happiness

Here are some research-based recommendations from David G. Myers, psychology professor at Hope College in Michigan:

1. Realize that enduring happiness doesn't come from financial
success. People adapt, even to wealth.

2. Take control of your time. Happy people feel in control of their
lives and their time. We overestimate what can be accomplished in a
day but often underestimate what we can do in a year.

3. Act happy. Smile when you don't feel like it. Talk optimistically
when you aren't optimistic. Motions can trigger emotions.

4. Seek work and leisure that engage your skills. Happy people are
absorbed in tasks that challenge but don't overwhelm. Sitting idly
doesn't cut it.

5. Exercise. It's an antidote to anxiety and depression.

6. Sleep. Getting enough sleep renews you. Sleep deprivation results
not just in fatigue but in gloominess.

7. Give priority to close relationships. Intimate friendships help you
weather difficult times. Make sure you are as kind to those closest to
you as you are to others.

8. Focus beyond self. Reach out. Happy people are helpful and helpful
people are happy.

9. Be grateful. People who keep a gratitude journal, who reflect daily
on the positive aspects of their lives, experience heightened
well-being.

10. Nurture your spiritual self. Faith provides a support community, a
reason to focus beyond self and a sense of purpose and hope.

On Creativity and Loneliness

This is a beautiful description of the experience of people born with creative gifts. Their gifts are often misunderstood and frequently used against them to instill shame and conformity. But if not for creativity the world would not survive. So, don't despair creatives. Unleash your passion and take us to a better place. {Kevin}

From: Walking in this World: The Practical Art of Creativity by Julia Cameron.

“As artists we are often in the ugly-duckling position. We have been born into families that regard us as “odd” – and we come to regard ourselves that way. (Sometimes our families are supportive, but our culture, as a whole, is not.) Our desire to make things and to make something of ourselves in the arts is often reflected back to us as “Who do you think you are?” I call this “growing up in the fun house,” where our soul’s aspirations are mirrored back to us in a distorted and distorting fashion that makes them appear egotistical and unrealistic: “Don’t get too big for your britches,” “Who do you think you are?” We often don’t really know the answer to that. We know something along the lines of “I think I might be . . .” When we are surrounded by people who either cannot see us or cannot acknowledge what they see, our image blurs. We begin to feel both a certain self-doubt and a certain stubborn inner knowing that we may then dismiss as crazy. Part of us knows we’re more than they see; part of us fears we’re less than we hope. This inner friction is painful.”

And this reminder from Goethe:

"The way you see people is the way you treat them and the way you treat them is what they become."

Holiday Depression

Does the season of joy not seem so joyful? You are not alone.

Give the Gift of Time Instead

Every year I find myself counseling increasing numbers of people, especially women, that enter a month long acute holiday depression. What is supposed to be a meaningful season becomes an empty, stress filled marathon to find the perfect gift for everyone, to create the perfect holiday decorative event, to maximize every moment and every decision.



I have an idea for this year, Don't do it! Why not tell everyone that you have made a conscious decision to create a thoughtful pace this year, to give the gift of time instead of all the usual stuff. If your friends and family cannot understand your explanation tell them Kevin told you to do it (grin). Have a meaningful holiday season this year.

Another way to bring real happiness to family and friends is to do what Martin Seligman recommends to his students in his Authentic Happiness course. Give gifts that increase a person's sense of engagement and meaning rather than the standard gadgets, toys, and appearance-enhancers like clothes and cosmetics. God knows we already have enough things in our lives to provide us with pleasure but most of us are deficient in flow and meaning.

As American Social Philosopher Eric Hoffer reminded us:

"We can never have enough of the stuff we don't need."

Thanksgiving Gratitude

Looking for a more intentional way to give thanks on Thanksgiving? Try a gratitude letter.

Happiness and positive psychology researchers tell us that one powerful way to increase your happiness while brightening the lives of others is to compose and deliver a gratitude letter. Gratitude affects happiness by augmenting positive emotion in the present and amplifying positive memories of past events. And it builds a better world.

From Authentic Happiness (2003) Martin E. P. Seligman (a Terrific Read)

Gratitude Visit

Gratitude is a powerful tool for increasing life satisfaction because it amplifies good memories about the past. The goal of this exercise is for you to experience the power of expressing your gratitude to someone who has touched your life —not in a perfunctory way, but with much forethought and effort.

The positive emotion of gratitude connects us to the kindness of others. Our society seems to lack gratitude rituals, formal ways of expressing thanks to those who have done well by us. Think of the people, —parents, friends, teachers, coaches, teammates, employers, and so on— which have been especially kind to you but have never heard you express your gratitude.

Write and rewrite a Gratitude Letter to one of these individuals, describing in concrete terms why you are grateful. The letter should be concrete: name specifics they did for you, andexactly how it affected your life. Tell what you are doing now and how you often remember their efforts. Make it sing.

Deliver it personally and have them read their letter aloud to them in their presence. Call the person in advance and make an appointment with them. Do not tell them the purpose except in vague ways. Then discuss with each other how you feel about each other, the gratitude specifics, and about the future.

Modification for group setting

Host a “gratitude night” in which members of the group invite a guest who has been important in their lives but whom they have not properly thanked. Give individuals the opportunity to stand up in front of the group with their guest and read their letter publicly.

Maintenance

Every day find an opportunity to express your gratitude. This expression can be as simple as a sincere “thank-you” said to someone who holds the door open for you, or it can be as elaborate as the gratitude letter described above.

Just make it a habit to build gratitude into your daily schedule.

Choose to Be Happy

Greg Hicks and Rick Foster choose to be happy and they tell us how to do it. Click on the link above to learn how and to take a happiness test. Here is a quick summary of the ways of being that these authors believe will lead to a happy life:

• Intention
• Accountability
• Identification
• Centrality
• Recasting
• Creation of Options and Possibilities
• Appreciation and Aliveness
• Giving
• Truthfulness

These guys have the right stuff.

Hope, Help, and Spirit

A few quiet thoughts this morning.

I had a wonderful experience at my niece and nephew's confirmation this past weekend in Connecticut. The Bishop that did the Mass was very inspiring as he spoke about the presence of the Holy Spirit and the confirmants' responsibility to use that strength to offer hope and help to others for the rest of their lives.

That message had me appreciating my own Catholic upbringing and the sustaining power of that message. I suppose it is not surprising I do the work that I do. One need not be a Catholic or indeed even religious at all to appreciate the concept of the holy spirit, a belief about inspired fortitude and interconnectedness that I try to capture in one fifth of my RCR mission statement:

"Our spirituality tells us that goodness passes around the globe from one person to the next and consequently every human encounter has eternal significance."

That had me further refining the ideas that I have for a book that will focus somehow on envisioning a culture that prevents depression and breeds happiness. I am interested in promoting a communitarian option (not left or right) that could become a template for social, political, and institutional change. Yes, I am thinking big. One of these days.....

Are you a Maximizer or a Satisficer?

According to Barry Schwartz, author of The Parodox of Choice, Why More is Less, many Americans are drowning in a sea of choice. From car models to 401K options, to cereal brands, to phone companies, we've got more choices than ever but less happiness. (Hmm?)

There are two types of decision-makers.

Maximizers are people that employ strategies to get the very best by examining all possible alternatives.

Satisficers are satisfied with "good enough". They may have standards that are quite high but once they meet those criteria they select that option.

Maximizers are often quite successful and high achieving but they also tend to be less optimistic, less satisfied, have lower self-esteem, and are less happy than satisficers. (Wow!)

Schwartz believes we can only be anything we want to be in an environment where constraint is possible. (Fascinating - How Un-American!)

Schwartz tells us that modern consumer culture offers us more choice but less satisfaction and he attributes the epidemic of depression to this paradox.

People can learn to be satisficers. Our ancestors did it quite well.

Can You?

Attitude Makes All the Difference

A client shared these wonderful quotes with me.

Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Charles Swindoll

"Act always as if the future of the Universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference."

Buddhist saying

Force Positives?

When someone gets the flu and is running a fever he is advised to force fluids to ward off dehydration even when he may not feel like drinking anything. Dehydration can be a very serious condition and thus we must protect our bodies from it.

I have similar advice for those wanting to ward off anxiety and depression. But I am not talking about fluids. I believe people need to force positives into their lives as preventive medicine against despair. I am talking about positive energy in the form of affirmation from others, volunteerism, spirituality, music, beautiful things, and any other personal outlet that makes you feel good to be alive. Positive energy is an antidote for or better yet, a protective factor, against anxiety and depression. It works.

A lot of people are too busy, trapped in routines, or guilt-ridden to do this. So, let me be one voice encouraging you to force positives. Your body and soul need them.

Are You a Pillow or a Sponge?

One of the things that brings people to therapy is the tendency to take on other people's problems and anxieties as their own. There is a fine line between human kindness characterized by good listening and friendship and enmeshed caretaking where the helper "absorbs" the pain and suffering of the other. Psychologists call this phenomenon "Secondary Trauma". I like to ask clients if they can be a pillow rather than a sponge. Can you?

Are You on a Treadmill?

I am often asked to consult with folks that struggle to find a satisfying life balance. Many people spend their lives in a frenzied pace to keep up with all of the excessive demands on their time. It is exhausting work and many well-intentioned people feel their priorities are out of balance and they are neglecting the things most important to them. Sometimes the people we love the most take a back seat to other competing forces? Does this describe you? Join the conversation by adding a comment below. And have a more fulfilling day today.