There's been so much serious and heavy stuff going on lately: presidential
politics and campaigning, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, terrorist bombings, ongoing partisan sniping, and on and on. So, I
thought I'd bring you some light-hearted stuff today: an article my mom sent me
on how to tell if you're really from the Pacific Northwest, plus a
couple of quite useful bits for those of
you evil geniuses bent on dominating or destroying the world. Some of my leftist
friends "told" me that Karl Rove has made "extensive" use of the resources I'm
pointing you to, so make of that what you will.
This first piece my mom sent to me in an email. Apparently, it's from a Jeff
Foxworthy comedy routine. My observations are in italics.
1. You know the state flower (mildew).
Actually, I believe only Washington's state flower is mildew. Oregon's
is mold. Idaho's is some form of moss.
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in
the
trash.
Why would anyone throw away perfectly good aluminum or paper? We call
using paper "killing trees." Seriously.
3. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it
means.
Yup. I know the difference between "partly sunny" and "partly cloudy",
too.
4.
You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
You mean there are people that don't?!?!
5. You know more people who own boats than air
conditioners.
What are air conditioners? Is that like the stuff you put in your hair
to make it soft?
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice
restaurant.
Why would you wear a suit to a restaurant? They don't look at all good
under a parka, and they don't go well with Birkenstocks or hiking boots.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting
for the
"Walk" Signal.
What difference does it make that it's raining? Jay-walking isn't
polite!
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not
recently
erupted, it is not a real mountain.
It's especially not a mountain if you can drive to the top of it.
I'm totally serious about that. If you can drive to the top, it's just a hill. You can't convince me otherwise.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks,
Seattle's
Best, and Veneto's.
Can you tell the difference between Guiness, Michelob, and Miller Light?
Same concept.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and
Sockeye
salmon.
Yeah, and I know the difference between King, Silver, Chum, Pink and
Steelhead, too.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup,
Issaquah,
Oregon, and Willamette.
Aren't those obvious? Here's pronunciation guide for those of you with
less-than-perfect educations:
Sequim: say it "Skwim" - just put a "k" in "swim"
Puyallup: say it "PewALup" and you'll be close enough. It's my home
town!
Issaquah: say it "Iz-a-kwah" and no one will laugh. Accent
on the first syllable.
Oregon: my pet peeve. It's pronounced "Or-ee-gun", ok? Not
"Oh-ray-gone" like all you east-coasters say.
Willamette: an easy one. Pronounce it "Will-AM-et". The accent is on
the second syllable.
Of course, we haven't even touched on Spokane, Yakima, Tigard, Tualatin
or Skookumchuck, yet. Let alone Humptulips. Yup, those are all real places. So
is Mukilteo. And Umatilla. And Nooksack.
12.You consider swimming an indoor sport.
Well, yeah! Getting wet outdoors is what rain is for!
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese,
Chinese and
Thai food.
One must differentiate between Szechwan versus Cantonese Chinese,
of course. And don't forget Vietnamese. Yum! Phô
is awesome.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come
home in the
dark-while only working eight-hour days.
Doesn't everyone? Of course, in the summer it gets light at 4:00 AM and
doesn't get dark until 10:00 PM, so it all works out on average.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches
and a
poncho.
No. We don't go camping without waterproof matches, a
parka, and an espresso maker. No one calls it a "poncho." That's
something Mexicans wear, not Northwesterners.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers
followed by
rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by
showers."
Actually, I look forward to the fact that the weather will be
improving tomorrow!
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun
breaks".
A really nice day! Time to break out the shorts!
18. You have no concept of humidity without
precipitation.
Aren't they the same thing?
19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not
just a
state of mind.
I'm not making this up: I went to college with a guy whose
great-grandfather founded the town of Boring, Oregon. Why in the world did he
name the town "Boring?" Well, it was actually their family name. The guy I
knew was named "Dave Boring." He was a D.J. for a radio station, believe it or
not. He used a stage name.
20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if
you cannot
see through the cloud cover.
Only two? That's not a challenge. There's so many to choose from.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a
pretty day
and you can actually see it.
This one is only really for Seattle-area folks, 'cause when you say "the
Mountain," it means Mount Rainier. Rainier is a real mountain:
well over 14,000 feet tall, covered with glaciers year-round. You definitely
cannot
drive to the top of it. In fact, it typically takes two days to climb, if the
weather is good, and you have the appropriate equipment: ice axe, helmet,
climbing ropes, boots, crampons, harness, etc. If you try to climb it when the
weather isn't good, you die, no matter what equipment you have. And it's pronounced "Rain-ear"
even though "rainier" (as in "more rainy") would be appropriate.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets
above 50,
but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
Well, unless I have an important meeting at work. Then I wear long pants
with my hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60,
but keep
the socks on.
Generally, one only wears socks with Birkenstocks, of course. Wearing
socks with other kinds of sandals is kinda dorky. Style matters, after all.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a
mountain.
Well, duh. Why do you think it's called a "mountain" bike?
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either
wimps or
tourists.
What are you people, the Wicked Witch of the West? It's only water. You
won't melt, I promise.
26. You knew immediately that the view out of
Frasier's window
was fake.
Yeah, and so is the rest of the show. No self-respecting psychiatrist in
Seattle would ever dress like Frasier. Where is the parka, the Birkenstocks,
the blue jeans and flannel shirt? No one in Seattle is as uptight as Frasier,
unless they moved here from the east coast.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you
can't find
the old ones after such a long time.
No, we wear sunglasses year-round. The whole point of sunglasses is just
to look cool, after all, so why not wear them all the time?
28. You measure distance in hours.
Yup. Like "We're driving down to watch the Huskies play the Ducks. How far is it to Eugene?" "Oh, about four-and-a-half hours."
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same
day.
Well, yeah. But only in the car. Nobody has air conditioning in their
house. Who needs it?
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
Yes, and your point is? Cold is cold - the season is irrelevant.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife
knows how
to use them.
Well, of course. What if she's stuck somewhere? Red-to-red,
black-to-black. What could be easier?
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
under a
raincoat.
Ha! My kid's Halloween costume is a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter,
Winter,
Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), and
Deer & Elk season
(Fall).
Pete's Official Northwest Seasons™:
Spring is from St. Patrick's Day to July 4th.
(rain)
Summer is from July 4th to Labor Day. (not so
much rain)
Fall is from Labor Day to Halloween. (rain)
Winter is from Halloween to St. Patrick's Day.
(lots of rain)
34. You actually understand these jokes and forward
them to all
your friends in the Northwest or those who used to
live here!
I could continue on this for a long, long time, but it's about time for
me to head for bed - and yes, it does have a down comforter!
Of course, what did you expect when the webmaster is the preserved head of
Josef Mengele, evil Nazi doctor par extraordinaire?
Anyway, if you're serious about taking over or destroying the world, but have
been wondering where to get the unique gear your evil plans require, check it
out. You'd better be fast, though, or I might beat you to it. Mwah ha ha ha!
Now that you know where to get the supplies you need to complete your
takeover or total destruction of the world, have you thought about your name?
You haven't! You're an evil genius, hatching plans for total world
domination, and you're going to stick with what...Dave? I'm sorry, but no
one will take you at all seriously if you don't have a serious evil genius name.
That's totally important, dude! After all, being taken seriously is half the fun
of being an evil genius with plans for total world domination. (The other half
is the large explosions. I love the large explosions, man. And the chicks. Don't
forget the chicks. Chicks dig evil genius guys with plans for total world
domination).
Where was I? Oh, yeah. You hafta have a cool name if you're going to be an
evil genius. Chicks don't dig evil geniuses with dorky names. "But Pete",
you say, "I'm totally an evil genius, and I have some awesome world domination
plans, but I'm just not that creative when it comes to names."
Well, my erstwhile friend, whom I will drop like a malfunctioning European
planetary lander entering Mars' gravity well as soon as my own evil world
domination plans come to fruition, I have an answer to your problem:
The Super-Villain Name
Generator!
Each time you run the Super-Villain Name Generator, it gives you a set of
five super-villainous names, plus powers, source of powers, weapon, and
transportation - a nearly complete super villain persona - to choose from! Here's some that it came up with for
me:
Isn't that just wonderful? I think I will call myself (only while in my evil
genius guise, of course), "Machine Dog." I wonder if VillainSupply.com has any
Brother ATVs or Flash Nets in stock?
Eeeewwww! That's just so totally über-good
disgusting, isn't it? I mean really - "Bronze Blaze" zipping around the world on
his or her Radioactive Zamboni, smiting evil-doers with a Magic Bludgeon,
destroying super-villain lairs with Super Breath - it's just nauseatingly
righteous, isn't it? Geez, if you're going to be like that, just call
yourself "George W. Bush."
