Humor.htm

SOMETHING TO PONDER

HOW TO SPEND A TWO-DOG NIGHT BY BEV RYBA (WITH THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE!)

I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out. To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed. There is no point in lying down in anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all.

The key word here is LEVERAGE. ll dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle. Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP. As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night. NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides).

Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like
pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest. Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you.

When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A
DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch,
thereby creating not only three more-or less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly. This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

Dog Lover Test (From the V-list)

1. You own:
A. An economical wagon that you can get one or two crates into.
B. A Mini van, because you need more room for crates
C. A 4x4 Mini van or Sport Utility so you can make it over the mountains should it snow on a show Or field trial date.
D. A motor home, Mini van and economical wagon, as needed for the trip.
E. A 50 mpg GEO that you have figured our how to get 6 crates, 3 Vizslas, 2 Rottweiler, and GSP into because you cant afford both gas and entry fees.
(Hint- the German Short Hair rides shot gun, to avoid fights)
2. Your Child:
A. Had a harness and leash as a toddler.
B. Teethed on milk bones.
C. Says he wants to scoop poop when he grows up.
D. Is named after your dog.
E. Is an only child because you are in debt to the vet.
3. You no longer notice dog hair:
A. In the car
B. On the carpet
C. On the Couch
D. In the cookie dough
E. Anywhere
4. To dispose of doggy waste you:
A. Bury it in the flower bed
B. Put it in a baggy and put it in the trash
C. Own a doggy Dooley and a pooper scoop
D. Haul it to the dump because the trash man will not take a can that weighs over 75 pounds.
E. Have a septic system just for the dogs.
5. You own:
A. One dog
B. Two dogs
C. More then the City allows
D. Two dogs you don't have rooms plus several on co-ownerships
E. Two dogs who live in crates in the closet, so your neighbors wont know how many you REALLY have.
6. You live:
A. In a track house with a small yard
B. In a track house with a large yard.
C. In a house in the city limits, but don't have any close neighbors.
D. On an acre or more in the country.
E. In the house with a kennel license.
7. On vacation:
A. Went to Hawaii and left the dog at the kennel
B. Drove across country and took the dogs
C. Stayed home because you whelped puppies.
D. Went cross country to a specialty or field trial
E. Have gone on show (or field trial circuits for the past 5 years)
8. For entertainment you:
A. Would rather go to a funmatch, or trial than a ball game.
B. Would go to a dog show in the rain
C. Own more dog training videos than Oscar winning movies.
D. Like to stay up all night to help friends whelp puppies
E. Have only attended events that are dog related for the last two years
9. Your dog sleeps:
A. Outside B. In a crate or on his blanky
C. On the floor of your bed room
D. At the foot of your bed
E. Under the covers (you sleep at the foot of the bed.)
10. For your dogs health you:
A. Buy premium dog foods
B. Put corn oil on the dog food
C. Buy doggy vitamins
D. By him SHOW SHEEN and you use Suave
E. Spend more on Kibble, show sheen and kwik stop then you do groceries.
11. As a child
A. Your favorite movie was Snow White
B. Your favorite movie was Lady and the Tramp
C. You watched every episode of Lassie, through both Jeff and Timmy.
D. Only read dog or other animal stories.
E. Saved all your money to buy a dog. Bonus Point - where asked to leave the class room because you proudly announced you had "beaten that yellow
bitch" at the dog show that weekend.
12. You attend:
A. Dog related events occasionally
B. A dog related event monthly
C. A dog related event weekly
D. More then one dog relates event weekly
E. A night can not pass without talking to at least one dog related person Bonus Point - you bought a computer solely to get on the Vizsla list.
13. Most of your friends own:
A. A pet
B. Have attended a show or field trial
C. Compete at dog events
D. Own two or more dogs and actively compete in dog events.
E. Have four legs
14. You can define or name:
A. "NRA"
B. "AKC"
C. "BIS"
D. A spinoni Italiani
E. 1969 Best of Breed at the Vizsla National, but not the current Speaker of the House.
15. You consider yourself:
A. A pet owner
B. A hobby breeder/trainer
C. Professional Handler/ dog fancier
D. A slightly obsessed breeder
E. Normal

Scoring : A=1pt., B=2pts., C=3pts., D=4pts., E=5pts. 15-20 You are normal. 20-30 slightly infected, but can keep you hobby in perspective. 30-50 Your husband/wife is threatening divorce if you bring one more dog home and your parents think you have over compensated for the lack of a pet as a child, but there is hope...GET A LIFE!!! 50 + you are gone.

This page created by Harold Zucconi

Last updated 2/27/2001