FREE TAX PROGRAM
TaxAct can be downloaded free. I did my federal taxes in less than an hour using the program.
I must admit that I bought the program last year and was familiar with the interface.
Tomorrow is "National Take Your Dog to Lunch Day."
Since Senneca died I don't have a dog anymore, so I'll take Pat.
Another 5 inches.
SNIFFER THE DOG
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.
The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and shits all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is that all about?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
FRENCH Q & A
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background.
Q: Why did France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
A Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender."
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A: The French army, of course."
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows& No French man has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy.
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits. Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.
Q: Why do they call French men frogs?
A: Because neither have a hair on their ass.
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the streets of Paris?
A: Because the Germans like to march in the shade.
Q: How many French men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Frenchmen will screw almost anything, but not a light bulb.
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.
Warehouses? said the soldier. Sacré bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.
Jay Leno, a few summers ago: "France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing". You know, like they did in WWII...."
In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:
Ask him about the cemeteries Dean! So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldier buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French Revolutionary War ... but then again they were fighting the French.
John McMorran of Lakeland, Florida, died of heart failure Monday at the age of 113.
According to great-granddaughter Lisa Saxton, 35. "He smoked cigars, drank beer and ate greasy food (much of his life)," she told The Ledger. "He was an amazing man."
McMorran only gave up cigars relatively recently, at 97.
I don't smoke cigars, but I do drink beer and eat greasy food. Perhaps I can live a little longer than 113 years.
SEND SOMEONE A MESSAGE
AfterlifeTelegrams can be sent to dead loved ones for $5.00 per word.
If I thought it would work, I might send a few.
It's a clever idea. Entrepreneurs are very creative. Anyway to make a buck!
Darwin Awards announce early nominees.
Read about some of the front runners.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentines Day. "Since Valentines Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, " will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says, " No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, " and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ! at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day !!!
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet." And she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Able Pest Control," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said......."Those little bastards!"
QUESTIONS FOR NANCY PELOSI
- "Do you not blink because your skin is so tight that you can't, or are you still shocked at being elected Democrat leader of the House?"
- "Who did your embalming?"
- "With all your millions and your concern for the less fortunate, have you ever considered giving all your money to the poor and taking a vow of poverty."
- "Do you think a woman of your age, should wear such gawdy clothes in public?"
A rare snow storm swept across the Middle East depositing over a foot in Jerusalem.
It was the most snow since 1950, the year I graduated high school.
MO ON NAMES
E. D. Hill of Fox News uses her initials as a name, i.e., E. D. pronounced Edie.
I wonder if her real first name is Edie and her middle name is Deedee. Then her full name would be pronounced E. D. D. D. Hill.
When our first daughter was born I wanted to name her lylylynn. It is pronounced Lily Lynn. Pat would have no part of it. We compromised on Karen Leigh.
TODAY IN HISTORY
On this day in:
1791, the First Bank of the U.S. at Philadelphia was chartered. It was the first national bank chartered by Congress.
1814, the Brits stormed Washington DC. American socialites watched from Georgetown.
1836, Samuel Colt received a patent for the Colt 45.
1899, Old Lloyd's mother was born.
1913, the 16th Amendment to the United States constitution was ratified, providing for an income tax.
1919, Oregon became the first state to tax gasoline.
1941, Dick Johnson was exposed for the first time as an euphemism.
1956, in a sensational speech to the Communist Party Congress, Nikita Khruschchev denounced Stalin as a demigod and tyrant.
1959, an Atlas missile blew up on the pad at Cape Canaveral, FL. The ensuing fires flushed rattlesnakes out of the surrounding scrub brush. The snakes invaded the nearby residential community of Titusville Beach. No alligators were seen.
1991, an Iraqi scud missile scored a direct hit on the United States base at Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, killing 28 soldiers; the Warsaw Pact nations signed an agreement to dissolve their alliance after 36 years.
1994, President Clinton signed an agreement with N. Korea for them to promise to cease nuclear development in exchange for billions in cash, oil, food, and one notorious cigar.
1997, documents revealed President Clinton endorsed rewarding Democratic contributors with such perks as golf games with him or overnight stays in the White House.
I sometimes listen to The G. Gordon Liddy Show. He has a sponser for human growth hormones and is always telling how wonderful he feels taking it.
It ticks me off to have a host hawk a product. I know he/she is just lying for money. I'm not surprised that they are lying, but I object that they get paid to do it.
This morning G. Gordon had a commercial for Alzare which claims to be a penis size enhancer.
I chatted with my oldest son, Terry (47) about it. Somehow the conversation turned to the nicknames for the male member. He used the term "Johnson." I had heard it before but it was not one that I knew as a kid. He said it was an old term from the '70's.
Just for fun, I looked up the etymology of "penis."
- prick - Earliest recorded use for "penis" is 1592. My prick was used 16c.-17c. as a term of endearment by "immodest maids" for their boyfriends.
- cock - Slang sense of "penis" is attested since 1618
- penis - 1676, perhaps from Fr. pénis or directly from L. penis "penis," lit. "tail." The proper plural is penes.
- johnson - "penis," 1863, perhaps related to British slang John Thomas, which has the same meaning.
- dick - The meaning "penis" is attested from 1880s in British army slang.
- dong - "penis," 1891, of unknown origin.
- peter - Slang for "penis" is attested from 1902, probably from identity of first syllable.
- pud - slang for "penis," 1939, from pudding in the same slang sense (1719); from the original "sausage" sense of pudding.
- dork - "penis" (1964), itself probably an alteration of dick.
There are a lot of new more colorful terms for the male member. The one I particularly like is "little fireman."
DO NOT FORGET WHY
Read the writings of Ed Evans, MGySgt, USMC (Ret).
Even if YOU don't know what faith you are, Belief-O-Matic knows. Answer 20 questions about your concept of God, the afterlife, human nature, and more, and Belief-O-Matic will tell you what religion (if any) you practice...or ought to consider practicing.
I scored 100% Conservative Christian/Protestant. Why am I not surprised?
BIBLE ON SEX TEST
Take the "SO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT MARRIAGE?" test.
I scored 16 out of 20.
I was off the charts.
Take the Breast Test.
I scored 17 correct out of 20.
Not bad for a thigh guy.
GOLD FISH TEST
Take the Gold Fish Test.
I scored 7 correct out of 10.
Not to shabby for a guy who doesn't know diddly squat about gold fish.
MORE TESTS, ETC.
Other tests and fun things.
These sites about automobiles may save you a bundle.
- Kelley Blue Book Used Car Values and New Car Pricing has some good info but may over state retail prices.
- Edmunds Automobile Buyer's Guides has some useful information about cars and buying cars.
- Automobiles -- Negotiating the Consumer's Car Deal -- Driving A Hard Bargain offers some good advice.
- Woman Motorist
- Car buying tips.
- Car clicks.
- IntelliChoice CarCenter
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, non hurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls his pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," she says, "divorce attorney."
GIVE WAR A CHANCE
Linda Chavez wrote an editorial called "Enough is Enough."
She used the phrase "give war a chance." I like that title better.
A woman police officer pulled over a drunk driver. She said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replied: "Tits."
This guy is standing at a bar with his friend when a good looking woman walks up next to him. He tells his friend, in a voice loud enough for her to over hear, "I'd sure like to have a little pussy."
The woman, without hesitation, leans over and whispers in his ear, "So would I. Mine is as big as a house."
FREE AT LAST - FREE AT LAST
We had about 24" of snow the past few days. The snow was so deep I couldn't open the outside doors because it had piled so high.
This is a picture taken from my back door.
My neighbors George and Walter have snow blowers. They were kind enough to clear our driveway and walkways.
I felt a little ashamed yesterday about noon. George was clearing my driveway for the second time while I was in my nice warm house dunking my homemade french bread in a glass of red wine.
Our grandsons, Chris and Andy came by this afternoon and dug our car out of the snow. Before the snow, I had moved it to the end of the driveway near the street. The snow plows had piled up a 5' high barrier at the end of the driveway.
Try this mind reader program.
Amazing site. It took me over 5 minutes to figure it out. I'm embarrassed.
By the way, I think the program only works with the Microsoft Internet Explorer browser.
KAREN vs BUSH
Karen watched president Bush board his helicopter for his trip to Camp David. Camp David is a few miles North of Frederick where Karen lives.
She thought she might see the helicopter fly by her house. After about 15 minutes she went outside and in a few minutes they flew almost directly over her.
If she was as terrorist and had a shoulder mounted stinger missile, he would have been an easy target.
SITES I'VE VISITED RECENTLY
- 2002 Census Of Governments - Too much info here.
- ROTTEN TOMATOES: Movie Reviews & Previews - Check it out.
- OneLook® Dictionary Search - A worthy dictionary.
- Healthology Surgeries and Procedures - From bariatric surgery to laser eye surgery, what you should know about common surgical procedures. - Scary stuff. Don't miss "Penile Pump Implant: Watch the Surgery"
- MailWasher - Free program to clean up your email.
- The Hollywood Reporter.com: Reviews - More reviews.
- Sabertooth paper airplane - My favorite paper airplane. It flies like a U2 and looks like a B2.
- Lee Valley Tools - More than just tools.
- Franck Goddio - Homepage - Underwater archaeology. Great web site.
- Configuring Mail Clients to Send Plain ASCII Text - Keep it simple to speed up the mail.
- Old-Time Radio Kids' Shows - My old favorites.
- Big Band and Other Old-Time Radio Music - They list over 400 big bands. I recalled 104 of them. About 10% have audio clips.
- The Original Old Time Radio (OTR) WWW Pages. Old-Time Radio at its Best - Great fun. Spend some time there.
- Confrontation between a French Army officer and a U.S. Marine in Bosnia-Unproven! - Funny story.
- Online Programming Tutorials - Free tutorials about programming, if you like that sort of thing.
MUCH MO SNOW
We had snow last Sunday, Monday, Friday and today. Tonight we may have another 12". Enough is enough!
Try this mind reader program.
It took me over 5 minutes to figure it out. I'm embarrassed.
THE RADIO LADY
I ordered 12 old time radio MP3 CD's from The Radio Lady.I remember "Let's Pretend." It was one of my favorites as a young child. It had stories like Cinderella and Snow White.
- Abbott and Costello (63)
- Fred Allen, Vol. 1 (49)
- Jack Benny, Vol. 1 (88)
- The Milton Berle Show (39)
- The Andrews Sisters (17)
- Calvalcade of America, Vol. 1 (92)
- The Grand Ole Opry (25)
- Let's Pretend (40)
- Burns and Allen (105)
- Jack Benny, Vol. 2 (88)
- Gunsmoke, Vol. 1 (72)
- Best of Westerns (61)
Funny thing, as I thought about the show, I remembered the theme song and their commercial sponsor. After about 60 years, that's pretty darn good.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MADE IT!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
- Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
- As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
- We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
- We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
- We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
- We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
- No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
- We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.
- We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
- We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
- We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
- We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, no did the worms live inside us forever.
- We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
- Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
- Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
- Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
- Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected
- The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
- This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
- problem solvers and inventors, ever.
And you're one of them! Congratulations.
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
CINDERELLA AND OLD LLOYD
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Old Lloyd for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Old Lloyd, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Old Lloyd, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Old Lloyd suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Old Lloyd and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Old Lloyd walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered: "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now..."
Elephants, Yeah!. I believe that is "Fat Boy" (Luciano Pavaratti) singing.
Pat loves opera. I can't stand them. I always think that someone goosed the soprano and did something even worse to the tenor.
Pat's valentine to her grand kids
Look at a good clock photo. By comparison my watch photo stunk (or should that be stank?...or stinked?).
Speaking of stinkers....
I spent another 2 hours at the dentist yesterday. I'm not sure that my supply of money will outlast my need for treatment.
All during the treatment, being the gentleman that I am, I fought the onset of a fart.
As I went down the elevator at 6:20pm I felt it was safe. Besides I couldn't hold off any longer. Since I was alone, I let her rip. When I got to the first floor, someone got on the elevator. I smiled politely and went quickly to the door. It was a dirty trick, I know, but I couldn't help it.
2003 GOLF RULE BOOK CHANGES
(*only applies to Seniors 65+)
Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.
Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds" If penny pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology not a penalty.
Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Follow the instructions to find your new name:
- To determine your new first name use the first letter of your first name and match it with the corresponding word in Column 1.
- For the first half of your new last name, use the third letter of your first name and match it with the corresponding word in Column 2.
- For the last half of your new last name, use the fourth letter of your first name and match it with the corresponding word in Column 3.
My real name in Robert, not Lloyd. So my new name from RoBErt is Royal Toilettush.
PaTRicia is "Doofus Gerbilbuns."
KaREn is "Flunky Gizzardtush."
JeNNifer is "Stinky Rhinochunks."
WiLLiam is "Ungrateful Liverbrain."
MaRY is "Pinky Gizzardbrains."
TeRRy is "Sweet Gizzardbuns."
DaVId is "Crafty Cootynose."
This reminds me of the old "fuzz phrase computer." There were three columns and you picked one from each column and got important sounding phrases like "Advanced Systems Planning."
A good bureaucrat could make up an entire organization using this computer.
Last night I watched "Profoundly Normal", a made for TV movie on CBS. It was one of the best shows I've seen on TV in years.
Kirstie Alley played the part of a retarded woman who married a retarded man and had a normal son.
The show was very well written and directed. The acting was outstanding.
Kirstie is a dish, but in the movie she looked entirely different.
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY
Poke the Dough Boy in the gut and hear him sing. I almost got him to whistle "Dixie."
Pat and I both have new down comforters on our beds.
Her's is fluffier than mine. I told her that she must fart at night more than I do.
She denies it. I suspect different. After 48 years I know what she is capable in bed.
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE WHEN...
- You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...
- you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- you sleep with your eyes open.
- you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
- the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
- you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- you chew on other people's fingernails.
- the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
- you can jump-start your car without cables.
- you don't sweat, you percolate.
- you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- instant coffee takes too long.
- you channel surf faster without a remote.
- you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- you short out motion detectors.
- you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- you help your dog chase its tail.
- you soak your dentures in coffee.
- your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
- you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- you answer the door before people knock.
I tried to watch the updated version of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Cinderella. It had an all-star, multi-racial cast.
When Pat saw that Cinderella was black, she changed the TV channel.
I watched for about 20 minutes and couldn't take it anymore so I recorded it and went to bed.
This morning I tried to watch the rest of it. I couldn't. It reminded me of my reaction to "The Nutcracker." I've tried to watch it many, many times, but when the rats start dancing, I lose interest.
The odd thing about this multiracial version of Cinderella was the casting.
- The queen was black. The king was white. Yet the prince was Filipino.
- The evil step mother was white as snow (Bernadette Peters) yet one of her wicked daughters was black and the other white.
- Cinderella was kind of off color. Sort of a coffee cream color.
Don't waste your time watching the new TV series, Kingpin. It sucks!
Well, we need to rethink the DDT decision. Back in 1972, when DDT was banned, it was used world wide to control malarial mosquitos.
Walter Williams, an economist, notes the following as an example (based on World Health Organization (WHO) generated numbers):
In what is now Sri Lanka, there were 2,800,000 malaria cases and 7,300 malaria deaths in 1948; with the use of DDT there were only 17 cases and no deaths in 1964. After DDT use was discontinued, Sri Lanka malaria cases rose to 500,000 in 1969.
Note: Read Walter Williams' complete article about the DDT ban entitled "Killing People."
The latest WHO report estimates that worldwide, there are between 1.5 and 2.7 million deaths each year from malaria. DDT had virtually wiped malaria mosquitos from the face of the earth. So, by banning DDT, the United States is complicit in the deaths of perhaps as many as 60 million people worldwide. But, of course, since they ain't us and since we saved a few birds, we get to feel morally superior about that decision.
Never mind the people we killed in order to save those few birds.
Fortunately, there are countries now where sanity prevails over environmental squawking which are once again using DDT, in defiance of the ban, to control malarial mosquitos. They are spraying it on the walls houses (inside and outside) rather than spraying it everywhere. It still controls the mosquitos that way, thereby reducing the number of malaria cases, without so much of the environmental factors we saw from wide spread spraying in the US.
Here's, perhaps the crux of the DDT issue. There is not one single recorded case of anybody dying from exposure to DDT. There are millions who have died from exposure to malaria, which we can control with DDT.
I don't know about you, but killing millions of people because a bunch of environmentalists decide something is bad for people, without a full cost-benefit analysis, is hardly my idea of sound science or even sound policy.
Allen Glosson (email@example.com)
This DDT flap was caused by Rachel Carson's book "Silent Spring." I read it 40 years ago and it seemed to make sense at the time.
GIRL ON GUNSMOKE
Yesterday on Gunsmoke there was a pretty actress who had a perky turned up nose. It pointed up at about a thirty degree angle.
She had two perky tits that pointed upward at about the same angle.
She looked like the battleship Missouri with her 12 inch guns about to burst.
I enjoyed the show even if she was evil. She thought she was shrewd, but she was really a shrew.
She bad mouthed Doc Adams. You don't do that in Dodge and get away with it!
MY LUCKY WATCH
I spent about 5 hours searching for my keys and had to call in outside help.
Then I found my lucky watch in a second as I got out of my car.
This isn't a good photo. I had it on my wrist and with the other hand I had to focus, get it in the bright sun light and press the shutter release. I was lucky to get it in the picture.
Notice the big black numbers. My other watches have just a few numbers or marks. One of them has no numbers at all, so you could wear it backward if you wanted to.
We had about 6" of new snow last night. It warmed up today and the streets are clear.
I love the snow when I don't have to go out in it.
A MAN AND HIS DOG
Read a fable about a man and his dog in heaven.
I have often wondered if there will be food, sex or dogs in heaven (not necessarily in that order).
Read my Redneck Valentine. It says so much; simple and honest. (I just used a semicolon. I don't use them often because I don't know the rules.)
MEN VS WOMEN
Read why Men vs Women. Men are different than women. I found that out early in life. My mom was sure different than my dad.
My mom was sweet, caring, loving and kind. So am I.
My dad was strong, determined, obstinate and faithful. So am I.
Neither was very smart and neither am I, but I'm humble and modest.
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving and by and notice you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man. "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself." said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let hem collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his care with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to he farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."
Read Dave Barry's blog.
Surprise! I've been writing a "blog" for 7 years and didn't even know it.
1. Web log; a public diary on the web
If I write a blurb about my blog on the Internet, is it a virtual blurb about a blob, or what?
It might be called a blog about a blurb just as well. Oh well!
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.
A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the cross beggar, said: "Moishe...look who's trying to teach us marketing."
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Q: What do Disney World and VIAGRA have in common?
A:They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or a redhead?
A: The blonde --- she's eighteen.
A liberal is a person who trusts Saddam Hussein with a nuclear bomb, but doesn't trust you with a hand gun.
WHAT A DAY!
Thursdays are Pat's beauty parlor days. She goes every Thursday. Well, almost every Thursday. Last week her hairdresser was in Aspen on a skiing trip.
Pat gets upset when she doesn't get her weekly treatment.
This morning I couldn't find my keys. I didn't say anything to Pat because I knew it would upset her. I looked for 3 hours and Pat found out. I had to "fess-up." She wasn't too upset.
I looked for another 2 hours and still no keys. Pat called Mary, our daughter who lives across the street, and she came over to help. I knew Mary couldn't help because she can't find her ass with both hands and a road map. She loses telephones in her house.
She looked in one chair and asked if I had looked in my coat pocket. I knew that I had used my keys since I was outside, but I looked anyway. When I reached in my pocket I felt them.
I was so happy to find them I pulled them out immediately. I should have left them in there and claimed I found them later in another location. It was embarrassing. Why didn't I think to look in my coat?
In the process of looking for my keys I discovered that I didn't have a spare key to my car, my shed, my front door, or my safe. Tomorrow I'm going to get some made!
NOT ALL BAD
I found a wrist watch today. It's a cheap Timex, but it has a large dial with big numbers and is easy to see. I found it in the Wintergreen parking lot. If you lost it and can identify it, I'll mail it to you.
When I was a kid I listened to the Lone Ranger on the radio. I thought he was the "Long Ranger." Maybe my radio wasn't clear or maybe my ears weren't clean.
I watched Gunsmoke the other day and it was in color. Matt Dillon had a mauve shirt. I think he was queer. Never once did I see him kiss Miss Kitty. Now I know why. The shirt color gave it away. Maybe he had no balls. He was a big dude.
Not all big dudes are ballless. I'm big and I'm still carrying.
A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine ... they can learn about each other as they go along.
She consents, they marry ... then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel.
Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"
I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says.
"You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in Laredo, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of CHICKEN LITTLE to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A little talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 30 minutes.
BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE
Karen had a bad day at the office, or I should say, she had a bad day on the way to the office.
Last Friday someone rear ended her on Internet 170 on the way to work, or I should say, someone rear ended her car on the way to work.
Her car is in the shop for repair. She went to her doctor for repair. Both will survive. Neither will ever be the same.
I've suggested that she get a good Jewish law firm to represent her, perhaps Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. She may do just that. She hasn't decided.
This yellow woody PT Cruiser is the car I would like to own. Pat hates them. I think they are way cool.
Check it out!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!! The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
1 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
2 - Half the people you know are below average.
3 - 99.9999% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 42.735% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
11 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
13 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
14 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
15 - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
16 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
18 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19 - The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
20 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
21 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
GIVE ME STRENGTH
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Pat watched a TV commercial for KFC chicken wings. She said they looked too big to be real.
I had a million dollar idea: Why not sell BBQ turkey wings. Instead of Buffalo Wings you could call them "Elephant Wings." There was a winged elephant called "Dumbo." Maybe that's what they should be called: "Dumbo Wings."
How the Space Shuttle works.
Pat's aunt Helen was released from the hospital and was about to go to a nursing home when they found that in addition to a broken pelvis and a heart attack, she had stomach ulcers.
They treated her for the ulcers and now she is in a nursing home. I wrote her a nice letter today.
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds -- and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of -- wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
Written by: John Gillespie Magee, Jr.
Read the detailed plan for Space Shuttle Columbia STS 107 (157 pages)
Watch the video of the successful Space Shuttle Columbia takeoff.
Pat cried when she saw the scenes of the Columbia tragedy. I held back my tears as always.
GOOD OLD DAYS
I worked at Cape Canaveral, now Kennedy Space Flight Center (KSFC), in 1958 and 1959 after I got out of school.
From there I went to Southern California and then to the Marshall Space Flight Center (MSFC) in Huntsville, AL.
At MSFC I worked on the Saturn booster, but also worked some on the Redstone, and Jupiter. I had the opportunity to enter the Gemini capsule, but I was so big I thought I might get stuck in there so I didn't try.
I worked in the space industry until 1969.
Watching and hearing the news yesterday reminded me of things that I hadn't thought of in years.
My job at the Cape was with the Instrumentation/Telemetry Group. I was a member of the Test Planning & Evaluation Committee.
I remember some odd things:
- Our telemetry was based on FM/FM analog and Pulse Duration Modulation (PDM). Pulse Code Modulation (PCM was a few years away).
To efficiently conserve bandwidth we used time division multiplexing. That was accomplished with a mechanical stepping switch made by C.P. Clare. Noise in the channels led us to believe that the switch didn't work at high altitudes. After much study, the copper contacts were gold plated and the problem went away.
- When missiles blew up it was often difficult to determine the sequence of events that caused it. Was the telemetry showing the cause or the result of something that happened perhaps only milliseconds earlier? One of the things we instrumented was the LOX (liquid oxygen) pump. We wrapped a wire around it so that when the wire broke we knew the pump had disintegrated. The channel was called the "LOX Pump Volute Breakwire."
- "MECO", "SECO", "nominal", and "hypergolic liquids" were terms I had all but forgotten.
I always thought NASA's use of the word "nominal" for "normal" was odd. I recall looking up the word in the dictionary years ago and it meant "small", "insignificant", or "not worthy of mention."
Now the dictionary includes the NASA definition of "nominal." I was surprised to hear the NASA head dog use the word "normal" instead of "nominal."
Political correctness was just beginning to show its ugly head even back in 1958. We were instructed to stop using the abbreviation "LOX" for liquid oxygen and to always use "liquid oxygen." At that time I had no idea that lox was smoked salmon, a favorite of many Jews.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of North Dakota when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.!"
Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
I got down last night. I got down on my bed.
In fact, I put my down comforter on my bed and crawled under it.
It wasn't too hot or too cold....just right. I liked it.
Pat likes her's too. She even liked the Cappuccino I fixed for her this morning, except it had too much foam.
WHO LIKES YELLOW?
I do. There are many TV commercials for new yellow cars and trucks. For some strange reason I like them.
At first I thought it was because they were bright and cheerful.
After seeing a commercial for the Union Pacific Railroad, now I realize I like yellow because the UP trains are yellow.
I worked as a fireman on a coal burning steam engine the summer I got out of the Navy. So, I think I like yellow because the trains were yellow.
We have had some gentle rains here in the DC area the past several days. It has washed away much of the salt that was on the roads.
Our streets and parking lots were white where black used to be. It was eerie.
WHAT TO DO?
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEENQuestion:
THE LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE "DEBATE"
OVER THE WAR ON TERRORISM
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
- Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
- Does the man look poor or oppressed?
- Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
- Could we run away?
- What does my wife think?
- What about the kids?
- Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
- What does the law say about this situation?
- Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
- Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
- If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
- This is all so confusing!
- I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"
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