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APRIL 2002
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APRIL 2002
Friday - April 19, 2002
MORE ABOUT MVA TRIP
A similar right to passage occured at the MVA. While waiting for Pat to get her photo taken, a nice young man (in his late twenties or early thirties) got up and offered me his seat. I thanked him and told him it wasn't necessary. He moved a way and after a few minutes, I swallowed my pride and sat down next to Pat.
Everyone at the MVA was very nice to Pat. She's noticed that people are more friendly and helpful when she is in her wheelchair.
MORE OBSERVATIONS AT THE MVA
When I was in Tokyo, Japan I took a ride on a train. There were no seats so I was forced to stand. Everyone on the train, except my traveling companions, looked Japanese. They all looked the same to me. Since I am 6' 5" tall, they looked at me like I was some sort of freak. As I glanced around, their eyes quickly shifted away from mine. I guess it's bad manners to stare, even in Japan.
LETTER TO DOG
To My Dear Friend the Dog:
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Be sure to click on "The Cat" (above) for the photo of the cat to see how she's taking it.
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BIG FISH
My oldest grandson, Richy (18), caught this 6 pound lunker at Lake Needwood which is about 3 miles from my house (and his, since he lives across the street). This is one that didn't get away.
He released the fish after the photo was taken.
It would make a good story to say that he caught a huge bass and had someone take a photo but the camera was out of film. As they laughed, "Yea, right!" he could pull out the photo.
A DAY AT THE MVA
This morning, bright and early (about 7 AM) she got up all set to go back to the MVA to get her license. We had gone once before and the lines were too long. She thought the office opened at 8 AM. We got there at 8:17. A sign in the window said they opened at 8:30. We waited in the car. As we waited the line got longer and longer. Pat has difficulty walking or standing so we continued to wait in the car. Eight-thirty came and went. At 8:37 they opened the door.
By the time we got inside there were 8 people in line in front of me. Pat sat while I stood in line for her.
As I watched and listened to the others, I kept hearing this question, "Is there anything that would interfere with your ability to drive a car?" I pondered how to answer that question for her. When the time came the examiner asked me to check the boxes on the back of the form. I quickly checked "no." Then swallowed hard and was relieved that I didn't have to sign my name.
She won't drive, anyway. She just likes to feel like she could if she had to. She's happy. She even likes her photo. It doesn't take much to make her happy now days.
It took over an hour to get the license. It seemed much longer than that.
Equipment failure and under staffing were the problem.
ANOTHER DUMB-DUMB TEST
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YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN
(Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom)
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer and fart all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse ...
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NEW PANTS
To my amazement they have a self service checkout. You scan the bar codes. Slide your credit card through a slot. Sign an electronic pad and you're out of there.
I have no idea how they keep from getting ripped off.
NEW PANTS SIZE
Before I got married my inseam was 36 inches. Now it's only 30. My ass must be drooping 6 inches. As long as it doesn't fall off, I guess I'm OK. What would a 100 pound fallen-off ass look like, anyway? Would in one piece or would both cheeks be separated? It's more than I care to think about.
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FIREMAN
I did get to move one of the big streamliners like the one on the left, but only a few feet. Awesome!
Shoveling coal all day is very tiring work. I learned quickly that the harder the train worked, the harder I worked.
I only worked one summer. That was after I got out of the Navy and before I went back to college at Kansas University.
FROGS
You guys be careful around atrazine You may turn into Dolly Parton.
FROSTFREE
I turned the house AC on last night.
What happened to spring?
FLOWERS
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TAX DAY
I wish we were required by law to pay all of our state income tax, federal income, FICA, and property taxes on April 15th. People would realize how heavily we are taxes. Other taxes still add up to a lot of money. Sales tax, excise tax, gasoline tax, phone tax, death tax, sin tax, tax tax. It goes on and on.
We would have another revolution if people weren't lulled into sleep by payroll deductions. If you don't ever receive the money many feel like it was never theirs.
Election day for all politicians should be on April 22nd. That would give us one week to work up a good head of steam and an incentive to throw the rascals out of office.
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EASY SEX TEST
They should have had some uglier men and prettier women.
EASY E-MAIL
This would be great if you were away from home and wanted to read your e-mail from someone elses computer.
Another good thing about this service is that you can download it later with your regular e-mail program.
EASY DEFINITIONS
EASY TARGET
EASY SOLUTION
EASY INTERNET
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NEW LOOK
YARD WORK
My grass looks terrible this year. I'll have to put out some grass seed and see if I can cover up the bare spots.
MIXED LOYALTY
Actually, I knew Kansas would lose when I saw that 4 out of the 5 starters for Maryland were black and 4 out of 5 starters for Kansas were white. Black guys play better "round ball" than whites.
I've lived in Maryland for the past 37 years, longer then I lived in Kansas. I was glad that Maryland went on to win the nation championship.
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GUILTY AS CHARGED
I think he should have been tried 10 times, one of each charge. By lumping them all together the jurors could not have separated them in their minds. If they found some evidence in several of the counts, they could have said to themselves, "if he was guilty of that he must be guilty of this too." If each count were tried separately the previous cases would not be admissible as evidence.
This is not double jeopardy, but it is a close cousin. I thought it was wrong for the police to be tried twice in the Rodney King beating case. As much as I hate to admit it, I also thought it was wrong for O.J. Simpson to be tried in civil court after he had been found not-guilty in criminal court. But, what do I know? They have never let me sit on a jury. They must know that I am a hard-ass.
GOLF SIGN
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THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
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DUMB KIDS
It has been almost 30 years since we put a man on the moon. How many kids today think it was all a hoax and it never happened? Too many, is my guess.
TAXES
A recent study showed that the top 5% of taxpayers paid 55% of the taxes while the bottom 50% paid only 4%. Is it any wonder that most people want higher taxes on the rich?
BRUNETTES
I've just figured out why she likes them. The secret is that the wives are smarter than the husbands. Not only that, the wives are all brunettes.
Can you imagine a sitcom with a smart blonde? I can't. On TV and in movies, blondes are always dumb. Fat guys are always dolts. Bald guys are old. Ugly guys are always the villains. Fathers never know best. Kids are smarter than their fathers. So a fat, bald, ugly father with a white (blonde) beard would be a doltish, old villain who doesn't know shit. Yea! That's me!
MISSILES
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GOOD NEWS
GOLDEN SUNSET
MY WORD
That was my original writing. I changed the background to white, just to be consistent.
A LETTER HOME
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A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents... Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.
A few days later he received a letter from his father. Dear Son "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."
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THE SCENT OF AN OLD WOMAN
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A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a
beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly says to the old lady,
"Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce." The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
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TRIP TO ATLANTA
That simple statement took a long time to decide. It was like the old puzzle of the fox and the geese. When I thought about driving to Atlanta and flying back to get Pat is when it was resolved. Pat decided that she was going to drive down with me. There was no reason for me to come back and return again in 3 weeks so we are just going to take a 3 week vacation before my 7 week radiation treatment starts. No plans yet.
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TRIP TO DENTIST
TRIP TO JOE'S PLACE
Karen is what you might call a "picky eater." She likes a few things and won't try anything new.
TRIP TO ATLANTA
It's difficult and time consuming to get all the tests, reports and paperwork they want. I'll do it. It just takes time.
TRIP UP
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Well! I finally found your Ramblings again. It took me almost one month. The address you sent was wrong and I have been checking search engines waiting on the new host URL to show up. Finally, today I found a link: http://mywebpages.comcast.net/1oldlloyd/journal.htm Since I have been reading you for years and years, it was nice to get caught up with your exciting life once more. [snort]. It was great fun reading a month's worth of ramblings at one time, too. Glad I found you. ;)) Best regards, Laurel ~
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Laurel:I was lost. Now I'm found. Hallelujah.
One of the reasons some people like horror movies is because they realize that all those terrible things aren't happening to them.
One of the reasons some people may like my journal is because my life is so boring that they are happy it's not happening to them.
I've often thought it might be fun to make up outrageous stories and put them in my journal, but I've resisted the temptation.
Glad you found me again.
Warmest regards,
Bob aka Old Lloyd
TRIP
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ACTS 2:38
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of church services when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!" |
OLD JOKE
I got to thinking about how many doctors have stuck their finger up my butt. I believe the count is 9, not counting multiple re-entries. So I can say, with confidence, that If I had as many fingers sticking out of me as I had stuck in me, I'd look like a 9 uddered bull (I just couldn't say "cow").
Before the year is out I'm sure the count will go up by at least 3. That will make an even dozen.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
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Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: recently.
I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be take seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
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JUDGE ONE: This chili is absolutely fabulous. It is exceptionally angular, yet pleasingly astringent however not harsh or coarse to taste. It is somewhat austere yet promises to reveal a chili with considerably
more generosity than its youthful austerity suggested. Well balanced and symmetrical with no fecal aroma to reveal its earthy origins. The bouquet, which is hopefully more than just the smell of seasonings, is brawny and muscular, - aggressive and spicy with a brambly character. It is bouchonné and deep - essentially the same as concentrated, rich, full of cumin and mouth filling.
Number 9 has balanced the acidity of the tomatoes to make it tremendously flavorful and exciting. It is not flabby or heavy. This chili is like a fine wine and is my number 1 choice.
JUDGE TWO: What's with JUDGE ONE has he flipped out? Hey, somebody would you try to revive JUDGE THREE? He should try this shit. It tastes like chicken.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Happy birthday, Twink. I love you!
WESTERN MOVIE
It was the typical good guy vs bad guy movie except that although the bad guy was all bad, the good guy was partially bad. He took the law into his own hands when a crooked judge didn't uphold the law.
The bad guy got only 2 years in prison. The good guy was hanged on false charges by dishonest witnesses. Who says Hollywood is liberal?
His wife was killed and the bad guy mistreated his horses. He should have been hanged for that!
I still enjoyed the movie, it had some great action scenes.
YASSAR ARAB-RAT
This will get the US dragged into the mess.
Perhaps after we conquer all the Arab nations, we should turn over the region to the Jews. They could manage the oil fields better than the OPEC countries.
Is $100 a barrel too high a price to pay for peace? How about $500? That would bring about a lot of conservation. Jimmy Carter and Slick Willy would like that.
ED
If there was a place like Stuckeyville I'd move there tomorrow. Well, maybe not that fast.
During the opening scenes of Ed they show a cafe that has a sign in the window, "ALL THE PIE YOU CAN EAT FOR $6.00." I could go for that.
CHANGE THE CONSTITUTION
Many foreigners come illegally to the US to have their babies, especially in the southwestern states. Not only do their children automatically become citizens the get free care in the hospitals. What a deal. I'm not sure if that qualifies the mother to stay in the US. Perhaps it does.
I made a quick search of the Constitution to see where this "right" is granted, i.e., automatic citizenship for children of foreigners born in the US. I couldn't find it. I'm sure it's there somewhere or the Supreme Court thought it should be.
I think it should be changed. I believe at least 67% of the population would agree with me. The politicians don't because they want all the votes they can get. It won't happen.
FUNNY THING
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MY PROSTATE CANCER UPDATE
I've studied the various treatment options and have decided to have brachytherapy (radioactive seeds) followed by 7 weeks of external beam radiation (X-rays).
After much study, I've decided the best place to have it done is in Atlanta at the Radiotherapy Clinics of Georgia. The seeding only takes about 30 minutes.
I have scheduled it for April 25th at 12:30 PM. I have to visit my urologist in Atlanta on the 24th. If all goes well I will return home on the 26th.
If you want to know more about the process and what I've been up to you can read my prostate cancer journal. For a shorter, more readable version, read my prostate cancer summary
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FAILED EYE TEST
Her right eye didn't seem to focus. I've noticed that when she tries to read she shuts her right eye.
I took her to our eye doctor and he said her eyes are fine. He said that about 60% of the people who come to him that have failed the DMV eye exam are actually OK. Maybe there is some kickback going on here between the DMV examiners and the eye doctors. Just a thought. Perhaps I'm too suspicious.
I'm just happy she doesn't have anything seriously wrong with her eyes.
TRIP TO DENTIST
JOHN'S PLACE
He served beer in the back and greasy food up in front.
I remember the hamburgers were 10 cents and chili w/beans was 15. Chili w/o beans was 35 cents. I always got my chili with beans.
He put a dipper of beans in the bottom of a bowl and a dipper of chili on top.
The last time I made chili I didn't have enough beans. Today I bought some beans. I put a dipper of beans in the bottom of a bowl and a dipper of chili on top. It was just like old times. Couldn't have been better.
WHITE MAN NOT SO SMART
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The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time" The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." |
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JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE SMART...
A good stew was my choice. I browned an onion in a little olive oil added some chopped garlic and stirred in the chopped roast. Then I added the vegetables. I suddenly realized there was no left over gravy.
What to do. What to do.
I decided to use a jar of Prego spaghetti sauce. That worked fine except it looked like lumpy spaghetti sauce and not at all like beef stew.
What to do. What to do.
I looked for my bottle of Kitchen Bouquet. Not there. I looked for some powdered gravy. Not there.
What to do. What to do.
Suddenly I remembered that red and green make brown. I dropped one drop of green food coloring into the sauce and stirred it around in a small spot. Sure enough it turned brown. On with the green food coloring! The more I put in the browner it got. Finally it looked like stew. It still tasted the same, but it looked more palatable.
Basking in my glory and feeling proud of myself I decided to make some biscuits. I don't use a recipe I just use a little flour, some salt, some butter, a dash of sugar and some milk. That's what I remembered. I didn't remember to remember to include baking powder.
When I took them out of the oven I realized what I forgot because they looked more like fat pancakes than biscuits.
Ever the frugal cook, I just couldn't throw them away.
What to do. What to do.
I split them and put them back on the cookie sheet. That was because they were raw in the middle and brown on the bottom. I put the raw side down and baked them for a few more minutes.
When I served the stew over the biscuits I let the plates sit for a few minutes to soften up the hard tack.
Pat said they were good. I never told her what had happened.
That wasn't the end of my saga, however. I got green food coloring on my hand and around one finger nail. I can't wash it off. It looks like I have some terrible disease.
HOTDOG
I even failed to use the spell checker correctly. I highlighted the text and it checked the un-highlighted text. Oooops! I found about 4 misspelled words today.
FAREWELL HEYJUDE
Especially on IRC, people come and go often changing their nicknames like they change their underwear. I've often wondered what has happened to people that I knew who just disappeared. Several come to mind; tern, swamprat6 and wiley1 are examples. They just vanished. I wondered if they died.
On only a few occasions have I learned of someone's death. Today is such a day. HeyJude whom I've known for about 5 years, died recently of an apparent heart attack. I chatted with her recently on #50 +bunch on IRC Sorcerynet.
She had just the opposite philosophy. She told me once that she had met over 100 people in person from her acquaintances on the Internet.
As I recall HeyJude's real name was Judy. I think her last name was Volk.
I will miss her.She had a son who became a doctor. He studied here in the DC area.
RIP, Judy.
(Why is it that I can remember all that about a person that I have never met, when I can't even remember where I put my power screwdriver that I used yesterday?)
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SQUIRRELS
I'll have to replace the string with wire because I'm sure the squirrels will chew the string.
SIGNS OF WEAR
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"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and
you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your lover asks you if you want "super sex" and you reply, "Soup." "OLD" IS WHEN..... A good BM is almost as satisfying as a good orgasm. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You see a good looking girl and the first thing that crosses you mind is that she looks like your grand daughter. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are more concerned about waking up in the morning than you are going to bed at night. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You go the bathroom, pull out your tie, and pee your pants. |
NO PEEPS
This year I couldn't find any of the marshmallow "Peeps." You know, the little yellow chicks that almost melt in your mouth. I found some bunny "Peeps", but they are not the same. One package was yellow and the other blue. I thought the blue ones tasted funny.
Karen came home Monday after work with some yellow "Peeps." Now my Easter is complete.
CALL EM LIKE YOU SEE EM
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Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Texas when
one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend. A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it, 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'" "But I'm not a Longhorn fan", the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Texas, I just assumed you were." Says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?" "I'm not an Aggie fan either", the boy says. "Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for the Aggies or the Longhorns. What team do you root for?", the reporter asks. "I'm just visiting my cousin. I'm an Oklahoma Sooner fan," the boy replies. "They're just the best!" The reporter smiles, and the headline in paper the next day reads:
From Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet" |
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AFRICAN-AMERICAN REPARATIONS
It would be difficult to find their blood relatives after all these years, so they could just swap with anyone of about the same age. The US government would pay for the ship passage for each of them.
The American would have to renounce his US citizenship and the African would have to apply and follow the normal procedure for US citizenship.
The American and the African would exchange their wealth so the national assets of each country would be preserved.
SOLUTION TO THE DRUG PROBLEM
The Turks used to kill people on the spot if they were caught using illegal drugs. That is too harsh.
What we should do is to advertise widely that the drugs coming into this country are being poisoned by terrorists. People would be warned that taking drugs could result in death.
After about a week of these ads, pollute some of the drugs with a substance that would make people deathly ill. Distribute these polluted drugs all over the country.
A few weeks later actually put poison in drugs in one region of the country (perhaps, San Francisco) so people who used them would die instantly. This would be a sensational story for the media. The DEA, CIA, NSA, FBI, ODA, IDA, PTA, PSA, YMCA, UPI, CNN, and other organizations would blame the terrorists. Meanwhile, the number of drug users would diminish.
Every week a new region would be poisoned until no more drug users would use drugs either because they were dead or because they didn't want to be dead.
SOLUTION TO THE MEXICAN INVASION
Our present policy is to send them back across the border so they can return the next day. We should instead let it be known that anyone who comes to this county illegally will become a slave for 10 years after which they would be returned to their country of origin.
These illegals would be auctioned off as guest slave workers or whatever purpose the slave renter desired. The money from the auctions would be used to hunt down other illegals.
The borders would have to have better security because some unscrupulous Americans would make raids into Mexico to get Mexicans for slaves.
To prevent profiteering, all sales would have to be made by the US government. There would have to be a new cabinet level agency set up by an act of congress. Let's see, if could be called The Southwest Labor and Victim Exchange (SLAVE).
END TERRORISM TOMORROW
They could even setup a special fund for patriotic Muslims who want to commit suicide. Tell them they will get $10,000,000 if they come forward. Then put 1,000 ten-thousand dollar bills soaked in kerosene under their explosive jump suits just before show time. Make it a one-man show.
MAUDE AND CLAUDE
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Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence in
Florida. They met one day in the social center, and discovered over
time that
they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for
coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening and afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course, and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd have known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd have known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose.
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