When I went to Johns Hopkins to get my biopsy slides and my films I got hopelessly lost.
Before I left home I got explicit directions on how to get to the pathology lab where my biopsy slides were stored.
- Go to the Marburg building
- Take the service elevator to the basement.
- Take a left. Go to Room B130. You can't miss it.
I had to go to the main hospital to get to the Marburg building. I found the service elevator. It was broken. After some searching I found the down stairwell. I went down to the basement.
It was a long tunnel with unmarked doors every 20 or 30 feet. I found out later that almost all of the buildings are connected by a series of tunnels. Some were creepy.
I took a left and saw nothing that gave me a clue. Much to my personal dislike for asking directions I did. The person was very friendly and tried to be helpful, but wasn't.
I walked up and down the tunnel opening doors that weren't locked. I even went into one that was locked by going in when someone else was coming out. It turned out to be the morgue. There was a flashing red light above one door with a sign below that read: "AUTOPSY IN PROGRESS." I didn't know whether that was a warning or an invitation. It reminded me of the sign I saw stuck to a telephone pole that read: "LOST CAT." I didn't know if they wanted it returned or they were just bragging. Anyway, I left there quickly and quietly.
After an hour and a half, I found Room B130. I was proud (even after an hour and a half). Then I read the sign by the door: "DIRTLY LINEN CLOSET." I knew that wasn't the room I wanted.
What was totally confusing about the tunnels is that you can go from one building to another and never know it. There are no signs saying what building you are in (under).
At least 7 people try to help me find room B130 in the Marburg building. Finally, one of my good Samaritans noticed I had a phone number scribbled on my paper. She asked if that was the phone number of where I wanted to go. I said it was. She called and found out that I had to be in the Meyer building. She pointed me in the general direction and I was off again. After a few more helpers, I found someone who walked me to the room. I was extremely grateful. My feet were sore, my patience taxed, and upset at life in general.
I quickly got my slides at the Pathology Department. I asked. "Has a 'civilian' ever found this place before?" The lady laughed and said, "Now that I think of it, you are the first patient I've ever seen down here." That made me feel a little better.
My next quest was to get my x-ray films.
I had been given explicit instructions that were similar to the other ones.
- Go to the Marburg building
- Take the service elevator to the 4th floor
- Take a left to room 401. You can't miss it.
Since I was not going to be in the basement labyrinth, I thought this would be easy. It was not to be.
I found the service elevator. It was not the same one that went to the basement. I pushed the "up" button and in about 5 minutes the elevator arrived. I pushed "4" and nothing happened. I pushed everything on the panel and nothing happened. After about 5 minutes a guy in overalls walked by and told me the elevator was broken. I should have figured that out by myself!
There was another elevator next to the service elevator. It only went as high as the third floor. I took it to the third floor thinking I could walk up to the fourth. It was not to be. There was no stairway to the fourth floor. Some helpful workers told me that "you can't get there from here." I've heard that one before...and it wasn't funny.
Knowing of my success at using the phone for help before. I called to ask for help. That was no help. I called another number and they said there was another elevator you could take from the first floor but you had to have a key. That was no help. She then told me that someone was about to leave the office and they would meet me by the service elevator on the first floor to help me. Good! I returned to the first floor and waited. In about 5 minutes someone came up to me and handed me an envelope. I told her I was trying to get my X-ray films. She said she didn't know anything about them.
After thanking her I looked for a place to sit down and rest my weary bones and worried mind. It was almost 5pm by this time.
I called another number and got a recorded message. I left a message and then was about to give my home phone number. I quickly realized that I was using my cell phone. I didn't know the number. I said, "Damn, I'm using my cell phone and the only way I can find the number is to hang up and find it in the directory." I did and called back. No answer.
I decided to go to the office where I delivered the X-rays when I brought them in. They tried to be helpful, but by this time everyone had gone home for the day. She left a written message for them and said she would call me in the morning if she found my X-rays. She did and I got them this afternoon with no problem. I was expecting another great adventure. It was almost disappointing.