Old Lloyd's Journal (Ramblings of an old gentleman)

ACCIDENT REPORT FORM (FedForm: 4209.3453-cc-FORM.rev1923)
Supplemental Submissions Form Addendum - Type DOA (Style 3255#EZ) Dear Safety Officer: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block number 13 of the injury reporting form, C5-1EZ. I put "Trying to do the job alone " as the cause of my accident. You said in your memo that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient: I am a Maintenance Repairman - Level 3 - with experience as a bricklayer. On the date of the accident, I was working along the roof of the district office six-story building at 6th and Constitution Ave. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pound of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof. swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope. holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block 15 of the injury form I explained that I weigh 165 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel comming down. This explains the fractured skull and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by the time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. (At this point I acquired witnesses from the sixth floor windows who didn't appear to understand the seriousness of my dilemma, because they seemed to be laughing.) At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 15. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, the lacerations on my legs, and the loss of my deep voice. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the bricks -- in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories about me -- I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighted more that the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both of my legs while I helplessly watched. I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred. If you have further questions, perhaps the witnesses can provide other details for I am certain they will recall this incident. Please refer all correspondence for the next 3 months to the DC General Hospital.

Ramblings of a 75 year old retired gentleman
about his daily life and events around him
with a few good jokes just for fun

JOKES

First time readers, please click here.

Most of these jokes and stories appeared in my daily journal about 9 years ago.
I've just dusted them off and linked them to my journal.
I hope you get a chuckle out of one or two of them.
I know I did!

My Dad's favorite joke
In honor of my father who passed away 48 years ago, I'm going to put his favorite joke on the Internet. He told this joke to anyone who would listen whether he had told them before or not. Each time he told this joke his eyes would light up and he would laugh as though he was hearing it for the first time himself. I'm sure he will be pleased to know that it is going out over the www to many nations all over the world. Perhaps even some extra-terrestrials may receive it on their sophisticated crystal sets. This is for you Dad. I hope I got it right.

These three lazy loafers down in southern Georgia were forced by their wives to go out and get a job. The next day they told each other how tired they were when they got home.
The first one said, "Man, I was so tired when I got home last night, I had my suppa', watched some TV, went to bed, took care of the old lady and went to sleep."
The second said, "Man, I was tireder than dat. I was so tired, I didn't have no suppa', didn't watch no TV, I just went to bed, took care of the old lady and went to sleep."
The third guy said, "Now I know you fellas was tired. You worked hard yes'taday. I knows, 'caused I watched ya. But I was so tired last night when I comes home, I didn't have no suppa'. I didn't watch no telEvision. I went straight to my bed. I didn't even mess with the ol' lady. I's just went to sleep. But then alongs about midnight I heard this knockin' at the door; but I's too tired to git up ta answer. But it kept on a knockin' and kept on a knockin' so I knewed it must have been something important. So I climbs out of bed, opens da do' and what do you think I found?
. . . . . There came my ass dragging home!

Dad's eyes would twinkle and he would laugh so hard you couldn't help laughing yourself.

My Dad's second favorite joke
My wife, Pat, was born in Texas. She left after only a few weeks.
My dad adored her and loved to kid her about being a Texan.
He told her this story about the big Texan who died in Kansas and no one had a coffin big enough to hold him. An old Kansan said, "Don't worry, I know how to handle these Texans." So he gave the Texan an enema and they buried him in a match box.
Dad told her that joke at least a dozen times and she laughed each time.
Maybe it was because he bought her large Dairy Queen sundaes with double toppings. He never bought me one.

Another engineer joke from terrie...
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!.
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!.
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him..
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?.
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!.

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight..
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them..
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

A cyberfriend sent me this one. She knows that I'm 64!

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman who looks like Sandra Bullock.

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and makes love again, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Engineering vs Math Majors

A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the engineers had only one ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.

Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the conductor". All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket please". An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had no tickets amongst them.

When the engineer lookout shouted, "Conductor coming!", all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."

Computer-Assisted Manifestations of
Psychological Disorders

Jane P. Sheldon, Ph.D.
University of Michigan-Dearborn

The technological advances of our society bring with them changes in our clients' behaviors and, therefore, new criteria for diagnoses. Below is a list (in alphabetical order) of the computer-assisted manifestations of psychological disorders that have been documented so far by clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, and computer consultants.

agoraphobia: will only visit home page
anorexia nervosa: refuses even microchips
arachnophobia: extreme fear of Web sites
binge-eating disorder: tries to choose everything from the menu
Bulimia nervosa: booting and rebooting
cocaine addiction: constantly getting online
delusions of grandeur: wants to be an icon
depression: system is down
exhibitionism: likes to open Macintosh in front of others
multiple personality disorder: has too many interfaces
obsessive-compulsive personality: continually presses Control key
pathological lying: never uses Fax
rodentophobia: anxiety about using mouse
schizophrenia: constantly presses Escape key
voyeurism: attracted to Windows

DEEP QUESTIONS OF LIFE

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

PC 370.00

A BILL to Regulate
the
Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

370.01 Any person with a valid State Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is lawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft unless said attorney is in church.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," OR "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag Limits per day:

Yellow-bellied sidewinders
Two-faced tortfeasors
Back-stabbing divorce litigators
Horn-rimmed cut-throats
Minutiae-advocating chickenshits
Honest attorneys--protected (endangered species) 2
3
7
4
9
0

I received this joke from two different people yesterday:

President Cliton flies into Andrews AFB. The color guard is present, as well as the commanding General. The General is standing at attention while President Clinton is descending the stairs. He notices that President Clinton has a pig tucked under his arm. The General not knowing quite what to say, simply blurts out, "nice pig, Sir". President Clinton responded by saying, " you bet it is. Its a corn fed, pure bred Razorback from Arkansas. I got it for Hillary". Again the General was a bit tongue-tied, but without flinching responded, "Nice Trade, Sir".

That's a longer version of a bumper sticker I saw that read:

I TRADED A GUN FOR MY WIFE
(Best trade of my life.)

My dear friend Shanni sent me these very funny stories about novice's problems with their new computers.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man smiled, "I work for the IRS."

LOST DOG

Scruffy brown and white male mixed breed
Has fleas, mange and bad breath
Castrated
Blind in one eye
One leg missing due to run-in with car

Answers to the name of LUCKY

REWARD
Call BR-549

I was reminded of an old, old joke that my dad told about an Indian and his squaw who were on their first train ride. The Indian took a drink of fire water and told his squaw to get water. She returned quickly with a glass full of water. This routine continued until she returned with an empty glass. He said "I want water!". She explained, "White man sitting on well !" (That joke may go back to the dark ages)

This guy was telling his friend about getting fired from his job.

"What happened?", he asked.

"I got my tool caught in the pickle slicer so they fired me", he replied.

"That's terrible. What happened to the pickle slicer", he asked.

"Oh, they fired her too", he chortled.

Rolsgrl sent me this funny story:

A little boy asked his grandfather if he could make a sound like a frog. The grandfather asked why. The little boy replied "Well, mommy said when grandfather croaks, we will all go to Disney world".

From Grayfox

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you got to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you; I've got some good news and some bad news for you."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?"says Moe, "That's wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"

ENGINEER TRAITS (from rolsgrl)

You might be an engineer if...

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think your computer looks better without the cover
If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep
If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest satellite weather picture with yours
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate
From the homepage of a 14 year old Dane
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Things Overheard at
Bill President Clinton's 50th Birthday Party

10. "Oh my God -- Janet Reno just popped out of the cake!"
9. "Look at this cute mug Chelsea gave me: 'World's Puffiest Dad'"
8 "It's time to play 'Pin the Subpoena on Hillary!'"
7. "Is that his age or his pants size?"
6. "I didn't know 'Hooters' had gift certificates!"
5. "Check it out -- Mario Cuomo is stuffing his pockets with cold cuts"
4. "I'm sorry, Mr. Stephanopoulos, but you'll have to sit at the kid's table"
3. "Young lady, how'd you like to come out to the limo and help me solve my mid-life crisis?"
2. "Thank God there's no lampshade here big enough to fit Ted Kennedy's head"
1. "He just finished cake number one -- wheel out the backup!"

pisces
><((('<

THE TOP 20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

pisces
><((('<

The Top Ten List
"Least Popular Republican Convention Souvenirs"

10. Bob Dole kidney stone cuff links.
9. Gift certificate for free backrub from Newt Gingrich.
8. Bath mat made from Charlton Heston's old hairpieces.
7. "Strom Thurmond's Unbelievably Low-impact Aerobics" video.
6. The "I Support Bob" Wonderbra.
5. "Honk if you have a sinking feeling this isn't our year" bumper sticker.
4. CD entitled "Sounds Bob Dole Makes in the Morning".
3. Sunglasses tinted to make Bob Dole look a little more like Colin Powell.
2. Susan Molinari's Cookin' with Pot recipe book.
1. Rush Limbaugh's bacon-scented cologne.

MURPHY'S LAWS (general)

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother nature is a witch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
12. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
13. The Light at the end of the tunnel is only the light of an oncoming train.

Murphy's Laws of Love

1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Murphy's Technology Laws

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some dumb fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All's well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
24. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
25. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
26. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
27. After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.
28. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
29. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
30. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
31. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
32. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
33. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it pleases.
34. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
35. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
36. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
37. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
38. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
39. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
40. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
41. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
42. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
43. When all else fails, read the instructions.
44. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
45. Everything that goes up must come down.
46. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
47. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
48. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
49. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

ENGINEERS EXPLAINED

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Design a self-adjusting picture frame while stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Many of those comments are so true it hurts!
From GrayFox:

BILL GATES

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident (falling out of a Window), he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?"
Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," Gates exclaimed, "I want to see heaven."
Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."
Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?"
"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."
An 85 year old man went to visit his doctor. When the Doctor came into the examining room, the old man said, "Doctor, I need an operation."
The Doctor said, "Why do you think that?"
The old man said, "Every time I walk down the street and I pass a woman, all I can think of is having sex with her!"
The Doctor smiled, tapped his head with his finger, and said, "Joe, that's all in your head."
"I know," said the old man, "That's the operation I want....to move it about 3 feet lower."

I received this from Russ:

Guide to safe FAX Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day. Q: If I fax myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q? There is a place on my street where you can go and pay for fax, is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a professional when their need to fax becomes to great.
Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one your faxing, a cover sheet should
be used to ensure safe fax.
Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and fax prematurely?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in
a long time. Just start over; most people won't mine if you start again.
Q: I have a personal and business fax. Can transactions become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

KITMAILBOX is running a contest for the worst kitchen disaster. This is the true story that I submitted:

Subject: My REAL kitchen disaster
From: old_lloyd
Date: Sun, 30 Jun 1996 19:02:46 -0400 (EDT)
A few years ago I was awakened from my afternoon Sunday nap with a shout of "Fire!" from the kitchen. Still half asleep I ran to the kitchen and saw that my wife had been fixing french fries in an open pan on the stove. She had gotten distracted and the oil had overflowed onto the stove and was on fire. I grabbed some hotpads and moved the flaming pan to the sink. The flames promptly set the kitchen curtains of fire. Now I had two locations of fires to contend with..one on the stove (flowing down the cabinets to the floor) and the hot oil and curtains ablaze near the sink. Still half asleep, I decided to put out the fire in the pan because it was directly under the kitchen faucet. Of course when I turned on the water and it hit the boiling hot grease, it exploded all over the kitchen. My hands, face and eyes were burned with hot grease. In spite of the fact that I could hardly see, I put out the fire and rushed to the shower while my wife called 911. This happened in the winter. We had just had a rare 15" snow storm and the streets were nearly impassable. However, the ambulance and 3 fire trucks arrived shortly and I was taken to the emergency room where I was treated for burns. Grease had gotten into my eyes but fortunately I completely recovered. The moral of the story is: "Smoke Get's In Your Eyes" is OK......but hot grease sucks!!!!!!!
This is all funny now for I knew better but just wasn't thinking clearly.

old_lloyd aka oh_lloyd aka ah_lloyd

I heard this funny story on the radio yesterday:

A county medical examiner (ME) was being cross examined by a slick city lawyer regrading the wrongful death (murder) of on the county's citizens. The defense lawyer was trying to prove that the ME was incompetent.
"Did you sign the death certificate?", the lawyer asked.
"Yes" was the answer.
"Did you check for his pulse to make sure that he was dead at the time of your examination?"
"No."
"Well, did you check to see if he was breathing"?
"No."
"Did you run an electroencephalogram to make sure there was no brain wave activity??
"No."
"How then, could you pronounce him dead without doing the basic tests?"
"Well, his brains were in a jar on my desk. He may be practicing law someplace for all I know!!!!!"

....and now for something really different:

ACCIDENT REPORT FORM (FedForm: 4209.3453-cc-FORM.rev1923)

Supplemental Submissions Form Addendum - Type DOA (Style 3255#EZ)

Dear Safety Officer: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block number 13 of the injury reporting form, C5-1EZ. I put "Trying to do the job alone " as the cause of my accident. You said in your memo that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient: I am a Maintenance Repairman - Level 3 - with experience as a bricklayer. On the date of the accident, I was working along the roof of the district office six-story building at 6th and Constitution Ave. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pound of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof. swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope. holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block 15 of the injury form I explained that I weigh 165 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel comming down. This explains the fractured skull and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by the time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. (At this point I acquired witnesses from the sixth floor windows who didn't appear to understand the seriousness of my dilemma, because they seemed to be laughing.) At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 15. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, the lacerations on my legs, and the loss of my deep voice. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the bricks -- in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories about me -- I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighted more that the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both of my legs while I helplessly watched. I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred. If you have further questions, perhaps the witnesses can provide other details for I am certain they will recall this incident. Please refer all correspondence for the next 3 months to the DC General Hospital.

I thought you might like to see what two old lloyd's write to each other.
From Richard Lloyd to old_lloyd:

Hey, Old Lloyd, you MAY be just a youngster compared to me. This Old Lloyd is 67 (DOB 3/18/29). How about it?............

From old_lloyd to Richard Lloyd:

Hey, Old Lloyd, I AM a youngster compared to you.
BTW my real nickname is Bob but I knew that wouldn't be a good nick on IRC so I chose lloyd.

From Richard Lloyd to old_lloyd:

Boy, you're not only NOT an Old Lloyd, you're not even a Lloyd. What a fake! ;-)
Dick Lloyd

From old_lloyd to Richard Lloyd:

Sorry you didn't like my use of the name "lloyd". It seems you have no sense of humor. I'm sorry you are both a "lloyd" AND a "Dick"!

From Richard Lloyd to old_lloyd:

Perhaps you ought to read the other person's message more carefully before you jump all over them. I quote the pertinent sentence below. Perhaps this time you'll notice the "smiley wink" at the end. It seems I have a better sense of humor than you do, "Dick"! ......

From old_lloyd to Richard Lloyd:

You still have it wrong. I'm the "Bob". You're the "Dick" (notice the capital "D" in every case.)

I got these hilarious quotes from Rolsgrl recently. She said they are from actual church bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 8pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.
Thursday at 5pm. there will be a meeting of the little mothers club.
All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in the study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet.Mrs. Watson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
The service will close with "Little drops of water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
Tonight's sermon: What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help.

Rolsgrl sent me this funny piece on ValuJet Airlines' Advertising Slogans:

ValuJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
ValuJet: We may be landing on your street.
ValuJet: When you can't wait for the world to come to you.
ValuJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
ValuJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Fly ValuJet: Find out if there really is a God.
Join our frequent near--miss programs
On certain flights, every section is a smoking section
Ask about our out of court settlements.
Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
Are our jet engines too noise ? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane !
Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes ?
Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
Bring a bathing suit.
Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks.
We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
The guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

How about this one from GrayFox?:
"I wondered if you had heard that Clinton is so far ahead of Dole in the polls that he is considering dating again?"

I heard this old joke repeated on C-SPAN of all places:
This 94 year old, Jewish man went into a Catholic church and said he wanted to give his confession. A young priest obliged and asked, "Tell me how you have sinned, my son?"
The old man said, "I am having a relationship of a sexual nature 3 times a day with a beautiful 26 year old woman who is not my wife."
The priest promptly replied, "That is a terrible sin...but why are you telling me?"
The old man laughed and said,"I'm telling everyone who will listen!"
I received the following story from ScotTEE. I got a good laugh from it and I thought you might enjoy it too.
A pilot was flying a small charter plane into Seattle, Washington airport. The fog was very thick and visibility was down to 40 feet. He was low on fuel, his instruments were out and his passengers were nervous.
Through a small opening in the fog he saw a tall building with one guy working on the 5th floor. Circling, the pilot banked and shouted through his open window, "Hi, where am I?!"
The guy replied, "You're in an airplane!"
The pilot executed a swift 275 degree turn and executed a perfect blind landing at the airport 5 miles away, just as he ran out of fuel. The stunned passengers asked how he did this.
"Simple," replied the pilot. "I asked the guy a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must have been Microsoft's support office... and from there, the airport is 3 minutes away, due East".
Here is one of my favorites. Since I'm an engineer, I can relate to this one:

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer were to be beheaded by guillotine after the Revolution in France. The executioner ask the priest if he wanted to be placed "face-up" or "face-down" as was the custom. The priest looked to the heavens and said "Face-up so I can look into my Father's eyes." He was obliged and the executioner pulled the lever (or rope) and the blade stuck half way down. Everyone said it was divine intervention and as was the custom, he was set free.
The lawyer was asked the same question and said "Face up. I know I can still convince the executioner to spare me." The blade was released and it again stuck half way down. He too was pardoned and released.
The engineer said "I'll go, face-up because I always face problems head on. (pun intended)" But just as the executioner was about the pull the rope (or lever) the engineer shouted: "STOP, I think I see the problem!!!!!!".

I got this joke from dymond.

A male engineer was vacationing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of a lifetime. He was being waited on hand and foot. Unfortunately it did not last. A hurricane blew in unexpectedly, and the ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an uncharted island. There was nothing anywhere to be seen. No people, no supplies, nothing. The man foraged around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hopefully for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also, as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you!"
"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. Nothing did."
"Well, then," said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you manage that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully-woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, having exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship."
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
So the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable."
While she was gone, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes, there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... do you happen to have an Internet connection?"