about his daily life and events around him with a few good jokes just for fun.
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Click on my photo to see me when I was a young man with both hair and pearly teeth. |
Tuesday - November 10, 2009
Choo-ChooMy dad worked as an engineer for the Union Pacific Railroad.
In the spring of 1954 I was released from active duty in the Navy. That spring and summer I worked as a fireman on a steam engine. Dad helped me get the job.
It was hard, dirty, sweaty work.
Karen and I wanted to take a train excursion on the Western Maryland Scenic Railroad for several years. We made the trip last Saturday.
She took some photos. I'll post some in my journal soon.
Most of the leaves were off the trees, but, as it turned out, that was a good thing because we could look through the trees along the track and see the great views.
The train left Cumberland, Maryland at 11:30 AM and return at about 3 PM. It went to Frostburg, Maryland and back with about an hour layover.
I wore my bib overalls and proudly displayed my pocket watch (only chain visible). My dad wore bib overalls every day of his life except when he was in the hospital.
I couldn't find my railroader's cap. Dad used to put his on Terry's (our oldest) head. Terry thought that was fun. Dad also had a pair of toy, windup teeth that would dance around on a hard surface. Terry would always laugh at that trick. He was only 3 in 1958 when I graduated college and took a job at Cape Canaveral, Florida. Mom and Dad lived in Kansas City, Kansas. We were a long way from home.
Dad passed away in 1959; Mom 10 years later.
An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.* Never fart in an elevator when there is only one
other person in it with you.* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
As I've Matured
- I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...- I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
- I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just jackasses.- I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.- I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.- I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.- I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
- I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think
you're finished.- I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and
not pet the sweaty things.- I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
- I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
- I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.- I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for
natural stupidity.- I've learned that the grass is usually not greener
on the other side of the fence.- I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house, one of your kids did it.- I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
- I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones
just never go away........ And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Saturday - November 7, 2009
True Love
Husband asks his wife:
How many men have you slept with?Wife proudly replies:
Only you darling, with all the others, I was awake!
Friday - November 6, 2009
Have we Lost or Way....and our Minds?We are at war with Islam yet we aren't. What the Hell does that mean?
They are at war with us, but we pretend not to be at war with them because we might insult the "normal" Muslims. That's a crock!
Yesterday a radical Muslim US army major shouted "Allahu Akbar!" - an Arabic phrase for "God is great!" - before opening fire on soldiers at Fort Hood. He fired over 40 shots from two handguns before he was stopped by a civilian cop. He was in a room full of American soldiers. Where were the MP's? Why didn't the soldiers in the room rush him and put him down? Why were so many soldiers shot in the back?
Are our soldiers now "politically correct" not wanting to insult anyone or are they cowards? This is a national disgrace. As a veteran and an American I'm disgusted.
Garden Snakes Can be Dangerous
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Thursday - November 5, 2009
MIT Lectures
I stumbled across a MIT web site that has entire courses (video and text) available on line. I'm taking and electrical engineering course called Introduction and lumped abstraction. It is like old times (50 years ago). I still remember all of this material.
PunsI usually don't like puns, but these are above average. (Note: above average for a pun is still way below average.)
- Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
- A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
- A backwards poet writes inverse.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Tuesday - November 3, 2009
Indispensable Man
Someone sent me an email with the URL for the Indispensable Man by Saxon White Kessinger. It contains the complete poem about the hand in the bucket of water poem that I mentioned yesterday. It is from Apple Seeds a very interesting blog with much material.
Surround Yourself with Intelligent People
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do
you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?""Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself do
with intelligent people."Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?",
he asks."Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."
Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.
"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your
brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not
your sister. Who is it?""I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his
advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends
up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden
asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot!
It's Gordon Brown!"
Monday - November 2, 2009
On Retirement
Time flies; especially as you get older. I remember when I was in grade school the summers seemed like years. Now, years pass by at the blink of an eye.
I've been retired for 17 years. Last month was my anniversary.
I had no illusions that I would be missed when I left because I always remembered a favorite saying of a co-worker. He used to say, "One monkey the show don't stop....(then a long pause and he'd duck his head and say).....even if it's a gooooooooo....d monkey!" He would lift his head and laugh and laugh. So would I, no matter how many times I had heard it before.
Another saying that kept me humble was actually from a poem that ended: "Put your hand in a bucket of water and pull it out....the impression your hand leaves in the water will be how much you'll be missed." I have never found that poem. I wish I had the entire verse.
On Marriage
"The most important thing
a father can do for his children
is to love their mother."[ unknown ]
One thing I was never in doubt about while I was growing up was that my father loved my mother. She loved him too, but he didn't measure up to her standards. I don't suppose, even now, that I thought about that much. It was just the way it was...no secret.
My mother loved me with all her heart, as I did her. My dad never talked about love much. In fact, he never talked much to my sister and me. Mom was the disciplinarian. Dad usually didn't get involved.
Divorce was very uncommon back 50 years ago. In my family there was only one divorce. One of my mother's brothers got a divorce. She had 10 brothers and sisters. Dad had one sister. To my knowledge, none of my 20 or so first cousins ever got a divorce either. There was a social stigma attached to divorce. No longer. If things get tough...get a divorce. "For better or worse" has been replaced by "for better or I'm outa here!"
The biggest problem I see with divorce is the effect it has on the children. Children, are really hurt be divorce.
Even though my dad didn't talk to me much, I knew he was there and that he was head of the house...or, at least, HE thought so.
I like the teachings of the New Testament about divorce. Divorce is forbidden. But if a divorce or separation occurs, neither party is free to re-marry as long as their wife or husband is still alive. If people would follow that law, life would be much better for them and "the children."
The Thrifty Widow
THE THRIFTY WIDOW A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.The obit. editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read:"
Fred Brown died Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries.
Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read:"
Fred Brown died:
1983 Pick-up for sale
Sunday - November 1, 2009
I Miss the NoiseOur house was full of noise; happy noises of babies, kids playing, dogs, radios, and TV's.
Each of our 6 babies grew up and left the nest. With each departure the house grew quieter.
The dogs died.
My wife died.
Now the only noise in my lonely house is the TV.
I miss the happy noises and, yes, the occasional nagging.
Halloween
No trick-or-treaters again this year. Bill had over 400. Karen about 60. Jenny about 50.
Thursday - October 29, 2009
Let Me In
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him.
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either."
I'll Pass on "Opting Out"
.......So now, employer-provided health insurance is subsidized not only by the employees themselves through lower wages and salaries, but also by all taxpayers who have to make up the difference for this massive tax deduction. How many people are stuck in jobs they hate and aren't good at, rather than going out and doing something useful, because they need the health insurance from their employers? I'm not just talking about MSNBC anchors -- I mean throughout the entire economy.
Almost everything wrong with our health care system comes from government interference with the free market. If the health care system is broken, then fix it. Don't try to invent a new one premised on all the bad ideas that are causing problems in the first place.
Read Ann Coulter's complete article at I'll Pass on "Opting Out".
The Hair Cut"
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, "I Cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and
left the shop.When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank
you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy
and left the shop.The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Aphorism
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Tuesday - October 27, 2009
Let Me Get This Straight
We're going to pass a health care plan:
What possibly could go wrong?
- written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it
- passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it
- signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes
- with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes
- overseen by a surgeon general who is obese
- and financed by a country that's broke.
Fairy godmother
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest
kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if her was brown like other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like
the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators
and such."The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for
his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You
will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad
thanks her and hops off on his way.There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same
woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy
godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me
brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen
with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and
says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the
exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:
"My wang is still purple!"She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of
Oz for that."To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell
do I find The Wizard of Oz?"The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy.....just follow the yellow
dick Toad!"
Monday - October 26, 2009
To BedYesterday Karen put my vegetable garden to bed for the winter. She pulled out all the old plants and weeds. Some of the weeds were bigger than the plants.
She also trimmed the grass around the house.
Thanks, Karen.
Snake"Snake" was a fox. He lived in the hen house.
"How could a fox live in a hen house," you might ask.
Snake lived there his entire life. When he was born his mother was shot by the farmer and snake Snake crawled into the hen house. The hens felt sorry for him so they raised him.
Every night they would cover him with straw so the farmer wouldn't find him.
One day the rooster came into the hen house and discovered Snake.
The rooster squawked and squalled as he ran from the hen house.
Quickly the farmer came to the coup and shot Snake.
The moral of this story is that everyone should know their place. A snake in the grass is alright, but a snake in the hen house isn't.
Government
"At the heart of the American idea is the deep distrust and suspicion the founders of our nation had for government, distrust and suspicion not shared as much by today's Americans. Some of the founders' distrust is seen in our Constitution's language such as Congress shall not: abridge, infringe, deny, disparage, violate and deny. If the founders did not believe Congress would abuse our God-given rights, they would not have provided those protections. After all, one would not expect to find a Bill of Rights in Heaven; it would be an affront to God. Other founder distrust for government is found in the Constitution's separation of powers, checks and balances and the several anti-majoritarian provisions such as the Electoral College and the requirement that three-quarters of state legislatures ratify changes in the Constitution.
The three branches of our federal government are no longer bound by the Constitution as the framers envisioned and what is worse is American ignorance and acceptance of such rogue behavior. Look at the current debate over government involvement in health, business bailouts and stimulus packages. The debate centers around questions as whether such involvement is a good idea or a bad idea and whether one program is more costly than another.
Those questions are entirely irrelevant to what should be debated, namely: Is such government involvement in our lives permissible under the U.S. Constitution? That question is not part of the debate. The American people, along with our elected representatives, whether they're Republicans or Democrats, care less about what is and what is not permissible under our Constitution. They think Congress has the right to do anything upon which they can secure a majority vote, whether they have the constitutional or moral authority to do so or not."
Walter E. Williams
George Mason University economics professor
Sunday - October 25, 2009
And You Thought You Knew How to Carve a PumpkinCheck out Pumpkingutter for some good ideas.
After you get over your amazement be sure to click on "tutorial" to learn the carving techniques.
Global Warming?"Warming Up to the Truth: The Real Story About Climate Change" is worth reading. The author claims that man made global warming is overstated.
"The Lies Of Global Warming" video:
Saturday - October 24, 2009
AnniversaryI forgot my anniversary a few days ago (Oct. 20th).
I have been retired for 17 years. It doesn't seem like a day over 16.
ReadersThere are a few people who have been reading my journal for years. Others take a peek and leave immediately.
Except for my own kids, I can't imagine a youngster finding what I have to say very interesting.
Because I write about many subjects, sooner or later I offend everyone. I don't mean to.
There is one woman who emails me now and then, who says she disagrees with almost everything I write, but she likes to read it. Maybe she throws her slippers at her monitor.
Bellies
Today I'm going to discuss bellies. Not hog bellies; not belly futures or belly pasts, but rather human bellies; large, round, full bellies.
Sometimes when I have trouble going to sleep at night (which isn't often), I gently extract lint from my navel. It is not all together a pleasant task. It doesn't hurt and it doesn't feel particularly good either.
I always wonder what to do with my prize. Usually I flick it towards the waste basket beside my bed. I seldom check the next morning to see if I hit my mark.
Lately since I've been dieting, I've noticed that my finger doesn't have to dig as deeply to get the bottom of the old belly button well. It used to be about a knuckle and a half deep. Now it is only a half a knuckle. That is positive proof that I have lost belly fat.
That gave me a bright idea. Instead of buying expensive and inaccurate scales (people always think they are broken or inaccurate when they are dieting), why not sell a belly button depth gauge? It could be a very simple device like a pocket scale that has a sliding clip that you can position after the end bottoms out. Think of it as a dip stick.
Instead of the scale being calibrated in inches, it could have markings like:
BELLY BUTTON DEPTH GAUGE INCHES NOMENCLATURE 0 to .25 Olympian >.25 to .50 Fit >.50 to 1.0 Unfit >1 to 2 Obese >2 to 3 You could use this for carrying coins >3 to 6 Rent this space to the National Petroleum Reserve >6 Are you sure you have this in the right hole?
Ogden Nash's Advice on Marriage
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
Ogden Nash
Friday - October 23, 2009
Benjamin Franklin's Advice on Marriage
"Keep your eyes wide open before
marriage, half shut afterwards."
Benjamin Franklin
Poor Richard's Almanack, 1738
Redneck Halloween Jokes
You might be a Redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Bubba's wife passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
TenTop Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
And number 1:
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
Thursday - October 22, 2009
News From the PondBill caught 8 rainbow trout and one golden trout and put them in the pond.
A few days later the golden trout was gone.
I have had over 50 trout disappear from the pond over the years. I know they don't just vanish, but I hadn't until now, figured out what happed to them. I thought of poachers who might sneak in while I'm away or asleep and catch them. I thought of giant blue herons which I have seen at the pond. I've thought of coons, dogs and hawks.
The verdict is in. It is hawks. Bill found a dead trout on the other side of the dam. It had talon marks in it. If the hawk accidentally dropped it, I can't figure out why it didn't come back for it.
I looked for trout for about 10 minutes on Tuesday. I saw only one.
Bill has hawk eyes and he saw many trout in the pond yesterday.
We went fishing yesterday and he caught 5, but they were in a "catch and release" stream so we couldn't keep them.
Bill suggested putting a big log in the pond to provide cover for the trout. On the way back he found 2 big logs. He lashed them together and put them in the pond. I hope the fish are smart enough to seek cover.
While Bill fishes I usually stay in his truck and listen to talk radio. Rush said Michele has brain washed Barrack Obama to do womanly chores. He said that Obama was "Chick-O-fied." We used to call the condition being "hen-pecked."
News From the Yard
We had about 1.5 " of rain this last week. It was still not enough to get water flowing into the pond from the spring fed pond upstream. It did help the grass and plants.We had a killing frost here on Monday. It got down to 31 degrees. It killed all the plants in my vegetable garden. I picked the tomatoes and bell peppers. I fixed my last batch of fried green tomatoes tonight. Love them.
George Washington on Marriage
"I have always considered marriage as
the most interesting event of one's life,
the foundation of happiness or misery."
George Washington,
letter to Burwell Bassett, 1785
New Knickers
This frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits in the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that....... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
Great Sex?
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Mothers Always Know What to Say
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents,
went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you... I'm gay."His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son
was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when
she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"The son said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.'
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and
WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said...
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
Sunday - October 18, 2009
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
And the number one reason seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.
Why Men are Happier Than Women
No wonder men are happier.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can never be pregnant.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth..
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky ……..
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character..
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks and engines.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase...
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack..
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original .
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Observations on Growing Older
Nontheless, growing older is better than the alternative.
- It's harder to tell navy from black.
- Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
- Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
- Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
- Going out is good; coming home is better!
- When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
- When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
- You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
- The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
- You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
- The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
- You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
- Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
- The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
- Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
- Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
- You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
- The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
- Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
- You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
- When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
- You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
- Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
- Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
- You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
- Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
- Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
- Your concealer doesn't conceal.
- Your lipstick bleeds.
- Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
- You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
- What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
- Everybody whispers.
- Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
- You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
- But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!
Sounds to Sleep By
Sounds to Sleep By is very, very relaxing. You can adjust the sounds individually. I like "flute song", "creek", "thunder", "crickets", and "wind chimes."
Thursday - October 15, 2009
Breakfast GuestsBob Evans, Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth joined me for breakfast this morning. Bob Evans provided the sausage, Aunt Jemima the pancakes and Mrs. Butterworth the syrup.
Incredible VideosIncredible New Bridge Being Built over Hoover Dam Click on thumbnail photo for big image.
Tuesday - October 13, 2009
Interesting Life Expectancy CalculatorUse the Life Expectancy Calculator to predict your life expectancy. Mine is 85 years. I'm only 77 now. I hope I make it to 85.
Fly Away HomeUse the The Transition®- a street-legal airplane to beat the traffic. Sounds like a good idea, but the $194K is a little steep for me. Perhaps if they also make it float like a boat.
A Muslim at the Pearly Gates
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up."
And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter. He climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy. He continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, He discovers an even larger room Where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, Ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room Where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
Sunday - October 11, 2009
Interesting QuizTake the World's Smallest Political Quiz . It's only 10 questions. It got my number...."conservative."
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
I've often wondered how to spell "Kemo Sabe."
Growing up isn't what it used to be
Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called "at home," I explained.
"Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
- Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
- In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
- My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
- We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
- It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 AM. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
- I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie."
- When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
- I never had a telephone in my room.
- The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
- Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
- All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning.
- On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
- Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
Saturday - October 10, 2009
Obama- Nobel Peace Prize: Get Real!Obamania is unbelievable. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize within 2 months of his inauguration. What had he done in 2 weeks? Oh, I forgot, he started to destroy America. For that he got a 1.4 million dollar payoff from the Swedes.
Friday - October 9, 2009
Real MenWhere did all the "real men" go?
By "real men" I mean manly men. Men who are strong, assertive, even aggressive.
"Real men" are not sissies with long hair and pierced body parts or boyish looks. They don't want to look like women.
Now a researcher many have stumbled on the answer. It's a hormone thing caused by the pill. Read about it.
I've known since I was a teenager that guys try to please women to get in their drawers. I never blamed the sissy boys for trying to please their prey. I just never understood what motivated "the prey."
Thursday - October 8, 2009
FartsI always thought that farts were funny. I had a "fake fart" or "faulty fart" yesterday morning at 4 AM when I got up to pee. That one wasn't funny, not funny at all!
For the uneducated, some background and definitions:
An "atomic fart" is one with more than 5% fall out.
Taking a shower at 4 in the morning is not my idea of fun.
A "faulty fart" is the additive inverse of an "atomic fart", i.e., one with more than 95% fall out.
What Happened to our Navy?Now they want to put women on subs. That will be a disaster!
The only way that might work is if it is an all female sub.
One reader comment was: "Hey women on subs: It worked in the movie "Down Periscope." It might be a NEW definition to UP PERISCOPE."
Free HP Online CoursesHP is providing a whole bunch of courses for us computer nerds, free of charge. I found out things I never knew about Microsoft Excel.
Check out HP Learning Center.
Republican Letter to President Obama
October 7, 2009
President Barrack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500Dear Mr. President:
We write today to express our desire to work with you to enact policies that will help small businesses get back on their feet and create jobs, and to highlight some of the solutions put forth by Republicans that we believe can serve as the basis for bipartisan action toward this goal.
Last Friday marked a grim milestone for our country, as the national unemployment rate reached 9.8 percent, the highest level in 26 years. It is now evident that the massive "stimulus" spending bill enacted months ago has been unsuccessful. Washington borrowed a trillion dollars from our nation's children and grandchildren for this legislation, which was supposed to create jobs and keep the national unemployment rate from rising above 8 percent. Instead nearly 3 million private sector jobs have been lost in America since the "stimulus" was signed into law, and the national unemployment rate is nearly 10 percent, and rising.
Small businesses are bearing the brunt of these losses. According to the ADP National Employment Report released September 30, employment among small businesses (those with fewer than 50 workers) declined by 100,000 from August to September, while employment declined by 61,000 among large businesses and by 93,000 among medium-sized businesses during the same period. The American people are right to ask: where are the jobs?
The engine of job creation in America is small business, not government. Since the beginning of the year, Republicans have put forth solutions that reflect an understanding of this fact, which was lost last winter in Democratic-controlled Washington's rush to enact a "stimulus" bill based on slow-moving and wasteful government spending.
In the time since the unsuccessful "stimulus" was enacted, the Administration and Congress have focused most of their collective attention on the goals of enacting a government takeover of health care and a new "cap and trade" national energy tax. In their current form, both of these bills would inflict further harm upon small businesses and eliminate millions of additional American jobs if enacted. Employers throughout the country are watching, and the job-killing policies on the horizon are causing them to freeze their planning and hiring. We respectfully urge you to scrap these job-killing bills and start over, this time working with Republicans for responsible legislation that will help small businesses.
In the hopes of facilitating such bipartisan action, here are some of the solutions Republicans have put forth to help small businesses get back to creating jobs:
• Allow small businesses to take a tax deduction equal to 20 percent of their income. This will immediately free up funds for small businesses to retain and hire new employees.
These proposals, developed by the House GOP Economic Recovery and Health Care solutions groups, were presented for your consideration earlier this year. We respectfully ask again that you consider them for the purpose of helping small businesses get back to creating jobs. The Economic Recovery Solutions Group is also developing additional proposals that will be sent to the White House soon for your consideration. We stand ready to work with you to enact these and other common-sense solutions for the American people.• Let small businesses join together to purchase health insurance for their workers the way large businesses and labor unions do.
• Enact genuine legal reform and policies that incentivize wellness to reduce health care costs for small businesses.
• Lower taxes for all taxpayers by reducing the current 15 percent rate to 10 percent and reducing the current 10 percent rate to 5 percent. This will provide an immediate increase in income to every taxpaying family in America and free up capital to help small businesses hire more workers.
• Expand health savings accounts (HSAs) to provide additional flexibility to small businesses in providing health care to their employees.
• Increase the net operating loss carry back from 2 to 5 years to provide struggling employers with additional resources to keep their doors open.
Sincerely,
House Republican Leader John Boehner
House Republican Whip Eric Cantor
House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence
House Republican Policy Committee Chairman Thaddeus McCotter
House Republican Conference Vice Chairman Cathy McMorris Rogers
House Republican Conference Secretary John Carter
National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions
Rules Committee Ranking Republican David Dreier
Chief Deputy Whip Kevin McCarthy
Congressman Roy Blunt
Jefferson Quote
in matters of principle, stand like a rock.Thomas Jefferson
Good Video Against Dems Health Care BillsCheck out congressmen Mike Rogers' response to the Democrats Health Bills.
Well worth the time.
A Bloke's Wife
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
The only thing that made that joke at all palatable was that they were Aussie's.
Growing Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was impressed, so she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
'No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Drunken Logic
An Aussie friend of mine was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected the following:
As she was unloading my items onto the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
- A litre of milk
- A carton of eggs
- A carton of orange juice
- A 250 gram package of bacon
- A head of lettuce
- A 1 kilo can of coffee
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A sad thing: "A lonely, ugly woman."
A sadder thing: "A lonely, ugly old man."
Double Dose
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man."
Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed."
Sunday - October 4, 2009
The Country of TexoarklanThe Country of Texoarklan (Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana) will probably never exist, but it sounds like a good idea to me. I'd move there in a jiffy. For you youngin's who don't know what a "jiggy" is: It's the inverse of a "google."
Saturday - October 3, 2009
2016 Olympic BidI thought for sure that the Chicago would be selected when Obama agreed to go to Denmark to make a final pitch. Why else would he risk his political capital if it weren't a sure thing?
I was wrong, but the Olympic Committee was right, perhaps for the wrong reasons though.
Why would Chicago attract Olympic visitors? Would it be the gang violence, or shootings, or people being beaten in the streets with 2 by 4's? Chicago came in last among the final four cities. Rio won.
Hawaii, or Puerto Rico, or Orlando would have been better places.
I think Obama's halo is tarnishing. Good! I don't like cult figures, especially crooked politicians.
Pat lived in Rio while her dad worked there for the US State Department. She graduated high school there in 1952.
It really doesn't matter much because many believe the world is coming to an end on December 21, 2012.
My Dear Wife, PatriciaHaving mentioned Rio and Pat, I did an Internet search on Pat's old school in Rio. I found her photos there after all these years.
I checked the school to see the current tuition. It is about $25,000/yr plus a one time initiation fee of $6,500. I attended a public high school. At Kansas University the tuition was $75.00 per semester.
The End of the Internet as we Know it"US relinquishes control of the Internet" must make Jimmy Carter giddy. He loved giving away American possessions to others.
Why in the world would the US give away the control of the Internet?
I suppose it could be Obama's desire to be loved by foreigners or it could be his innate hatred of America.
Friday - October 2, 2009
Birds of a Feather Flock TogetherI saw a flock of birds sitting on a telephone line. They all looked alike. They were all facing the same direction, sitting about the same distance apart.
This made me think about integration. Wild animals don't flock with unlike wild animals. They flock together; lions with lions, rhinos with rhinos, tigers with tigers, etc.
Why don't we humans think that whites should flock with whites and browns with browns, etc. Well, in fact, for the most part they do.
There are exceptions, of course. Tiger Woods is an example. He married a white woman. They have a tan child.
Like I said a few days ago, I was raised in an all white neighborhood. We had ours. The blacks had theirs.
We had our public schools. They had theirs.
We never had "race riots." At least if we did, I never heard of them.
The "separate but not equal" social experiment seems to have failed. Separate and equal worked.
Besides seeing the birds on the wire, I saw on the news that Tiger Woods has earned over 1 billion dollars in his career. Good for him. When I was a kid there weren't many "colored" golfers.
Thursday - October 1, 2009
He's Got the RunsMinnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty is planning to run for president in 2012. His name reminds me of "polenta" (a starchy accompaniment to a meal made from coarse maize-meal porridge).
All kidding aside, he seems like a likely candidate.
A Very Loving Wife
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or Lamb?
"He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied loudly, "F$%K you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
The Economy is so Bad That....
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Women are marrying for love.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
- The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
- Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate! Do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
- Motel Six won't leave the light on.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
Signs You've Joined a Very Cheap Health Care Plan...
- Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
- Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
- The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
- The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
- Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
- The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
- Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
- You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape.
Wednesday - September 29, 2009
My HoodWe lived in a segregated neighborhood where I grew up in the Quindaro District of Kansas City, Kansas. It's still segregated, but now it's all black.
I didn't know any Catholics, Jews, Negroes, Mexicans, or Asians. We were all the same: White Anglo-Saxon Protestants.
Now that I think about it, there was one kid named Schwartz. He might have been Jewish.
We didn't hate any people in those groups because we didn't know any. I'll take that back. We hated the Japanese and Germans because of WWII.
We moved into our house when I was about 4 years old in 1936. I left Kansas in 1958 when I graduated from KU.
Mom still lived in the same house when she died in 1969. She lived there 33 years. I just realized that I lived in the same house in Rockville, Maryland for 40 years. Amazing, how time flies.
I always felt safe in my neighborhood. We never locked our doors and left our keys in our cars. I don't even remember having a key to our house.
I don't remember any street crime, robbery or burglary in our neighborhood. I'll bet it is different there now. I know my house is different. It's gone. There is nothing there except an empty lot.
Always Looking
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some
excitement.When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to other, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find
a girl with some ambition.When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
Fishing Trip with Jack Daniels
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes
rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on
my fishing with the frog.A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Malcolm Forbes on Life
"The biggest mistake people make in life
is not trying to make a living at doing
what they most enjoy."[ Malcolm S. Forbes ]
Monday - September 27, 2009
MaryMary went home today after a very nice visit. She fed me 'til I almost popped.
She promised to come visit again soon.
"It's a Bird. It's a Plane"Yesterday I saw a huge C5A cargo plane fly over my house. It was preparing to land at the National Guard Air Station just south of Martinsburg.
This evening just about dusk, on the way home from dinner, I saw a huge flock of bats. There must have been a thousand of them. As a flock they were very much bigger than the C5A.
"eHarmony.com"I signed up for a 30 day free trail of eHarmony.com an online dating service.
When I completed my questionnaire I tried to be honest, but brief. After several weeks of getting "hits" from women all over the US and Canada I decided to check my profile. I found that I had set the maximum distance at 30 miles but gave it a low priority. I changed it to the highest priority level and stopped getting "hits" from far away places.
My 30 day free trial is about to elapse and I was offered 3 months service for $29.99/month. The regular rate is $59.99/month. Wow! I would never pay that much. It borders on prostitution.
At LastWe finally got a significant rain. Over an inch.
No water is coming from the spring fed lake upstream. It has to fill up first.
The brown grass has a hint of green in it again.
Sunday - September 26, 2009
MaryTwo of my daughters, Mary and Karen, came to visit yesterday. They fixed a rump roast dinner and an apple pie. It was fabulous-prepared just the way their mother taught them.
Karen had to go home Saturday evening to take care of her dog. Mary is planning to stay until Monday evening.
I gained 1.5 pounds on Saturday.
This morning Mary fixed me bacon and eggs.
For lunch we have BBQ hamburgers. I tried a trick I saw on TV recently. To prevent the burgers from getting thick in the center, make a well in the center about 1 or 2 inches in diameter and half as deep as the hamburger is thick. It worked well (pun intended). Burgers were great. I was stuffed.
Mary made her fabulous spaghetti and meat balls for dinner. I couldn't eat all I piled on my plate.
I'll bet I gained 5 pounds.
This morning, Mary and I went to church. Mary liked it.
Friday - September 25, 2009
MaryMy daughter Mary just called and invited herself to my house for the weekend. I am thrilled. She even volunteered to fix dinner both nights.
Yesterday I was thinking about how nice it would be to wake up to the smell of coffee and bacon frying. I'm sure that Mary won't fix it, but it will be nice to have a woman in the house again.
I'm going to have to clean my house before she gets here.
She also told me that her husband got a big promotion along with a big raise. Nice going Richard!
Feeling BetterThe last few days I have been feeling punk. I thought I might be coming down with something but I woke up this morning feeling great.
I went to 3 banks and did my workout at the fitness center. Had lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant.
Bike
When I was a kid I used to
pray every night for a new bike.Then I realized that God
doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and
asked Him to forgive me.
Tuesday - September 22, 2009
Autumnal EquinoxIt's finally here....fall.
This has been a very dry summer. We are 7" behind our average rainfall. We haven't had a good rain in over a month.
It may rain today or tomorrow, or it may not. Who knows? The weather people can't seem to guess right.
Dogs: You gotta love them. . . OR . . . Women: Why Can't They Be More Like A Dog?
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog?
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. Dogs never ask where you're going or when you'll be back.
15. Even female dogs never bitch at you about anything.
16. Dogs like for you to leave the toilet seat up.
And last, but not least:
17. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
You Might be a Racist
If you think that a czar is unconstitutional
... you might be a racist!If you are opposed to a government run health care system
... you might be a racist!If you think that it is unAmerican to bow before the Saudi King
... you might be a racist!If you think that the stimulus plan has been an utter failure
... you might be a racist!If you think that the government does not know how to build automobiles
... you might be a racist!If you think that this administration is driving the deficit up at alarming rates
... you might be a racist!If you think that this is a nation based on Christian values
... you might be a racist!If you think that communism and socialism are NOT the solution
... you might be a racist!If you value the 1st Amendment, but think that the media is state-run
... you might be a racist!If you are sick and tired of the race card being played
... you might be a racist!If you are a racist according to the current liberal agenda
... you might just be an American!
Wednesday - September 16, 2009
Radio Soap OperasMy earliest memory is chewing on a celluloid teething ring. I still have the terrible taste in my mouth.
My second earliest memory is being in the kitchen with my mother as she listened to the soap operas on the radio.
The Guiding Light is ending on TV soon. Bye!
- Stella Dallas 1937-1955
- Lum and Abner 1932-1954
- Just Plain Bill (Barber of Hartville) 1932-1955
- Lorenzo Jones
- Don McNeill's Breakfast Club 1933-1968
- One Man's Family 1933-1950
- Amos 'n' Andy 1928-1943
- Don McNeill's Breakfast Club 1933-1968
- Fibber McGee and Molly 1935-1959
- The Guiding Light 1937-1949
Success
"To live well, to laugh often, to love much,
to gain the respect of intelligent people,
to win the love of little children, to fill one's
niche and accomplish one's task, to leave
the world better than one finds it whether by
an improved flower, a perfect poem or another
life ennobled, to never lack appreciation of
earth's beauty or fail to express it, to always
look for the best in others, to give the best
one has, to make one's life an inspiration and
one's memory a benediction, this is success."Bessie Stanley 1904
Or was it this?:
"He has achieved success
who has lived well, laughed often and loved much;
who has gained the respect of intelligent men
and the love of little children; who has filled his
niche and accomplished his task; who has left
the world better than he found it, whether by
an improved poppy, a perfect poem,
or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of
earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always
looked for the best in others and given them the best
he had; whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction."Bessie Stanley 1904
More here.
I suspect the second version is more nearly correct. Notice how all male gender references have been removed and the past tense has been replaced by the present tense..
Loved and Lost
"It is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all."Alfred Lord Tennyson - 1850
My version:
"It is better to have loved and won
than to ever have loved and lost."Old Lloyd - 2009
LossThere are many more personal things to lose besides "love."
Consider your 5 senses. What must it be like to lose your vision, or hearing or sense of smell or feeling or taste.
Now consider that you never had one of your 5 senses. Eyesight immediately comes to mind. What if you lost your vision? You would still have memories of things you had seen. What if you were born blind. How would you "see" the world?
If we were ALL born without vision how would we have survived? We probably would not have. But what if we were ALL born without a sense of smell? We wouldn't know there were odors. We couldn't miss them.
OK, now a leap. What if there were senses out there that are there but we don't sense them. We actually know they are there.
An obvious one is the visual spectrum. Our vision senses light in a very small spectrum; about 380 to 750 nm. Suppose we had control of the spectrum of light we could "see." There might be an organ that controlled it or the brain might filter out the spectrum. We would have a whole different view of the world.
Another is hearing. What if we could hear tiny noises selectively?
Now some not so obvious ones:
What if we could move through time and space seamlessly and effortlessly?
What if we could communicate with animals or flowers or rocks?
What if we could communicate with dead animals or dead flowers or dead rocks OR DEAD PEOPLE!?
What would you say to your great, great, great, great grandmother? Or to Adam?
These few things are just what I can imagine off the top of my head. What about those things I can't even comprehend or envision?
Could that be what heaven is like? Now I ask you.
Saturday - September 12, 2009
What Happened to Us?Moon Missions:
In President Kennedy's speech to Congress, on May 25, 1961, he expressed a concern that the United States was falling behind the Soviet Union in technology and prestige. He challenged the nation to put a man on the moon before the end of the decade.
World Trade Center:Eight years later on July 16, 1969, the Apollo 11 launched from the Kennedy Space Center. Four days later, Commander Neil Armstrong became the first man on the moon. He said the historic words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
The $108 billion proposed program to return to the moon by 2020 was started five years ago by then-President George W. Bush That is 16 years. Something is wrong here.
Construction of the World Trade Center's North Tower began in August 1968. The first tenants moved into the North Tower in December 1970.
The destruction of the World Trade Center towers occurred on September 11, 2001. The replacement building is projected to be ready for occupancy at some point in 2013. That's 12 years!
The Empire State Building completed, just 410 days after construction commenced. The building was officially opened on May 1, 1931.
Tax and Spend
"Tax & tax, spend & spend, elect & elect" Harry Hopkins
FDR's WPA BossTIC:
Harry had it right. Take from the rich. Give to the poor. Re-election assured.
The rich stole money from the poor so taking it back is justified.
Good works should be rewarded, so re-elect those who served you well.
Friday - September 11, 2009
A Simple ThingMy John Deer riding mower has a few pockets where you can put things. I often find that I don't have enough hands to carry the things that won't fit in them. Things like harvested vegetables, fish food, fertilizer, etc.
I have a red wagon that I can connect to the mower but it is inconvenient for simple jobs. For the past 5 years I have been trying to find a way to attach a box on the back of the mower to hold more items. Nothing seemed to work.
Yesterday I finally figured out how to do it. I took a 18x12x8" cardboard box and put it on the hood of the mower in front of the steering wheel and attached it with a bungee cord. Works like a charm. I'm so proud of myself.
Words Have MeaningRush revealed: Jargon on the Rush Limbaugh show.
More on RushMake it look easy. That must be his motto. From the impression he tries to make, he is alone in his studio before the golden EIB microphone with Bo Snerdley answering the phone. There is no research staff (he gets much of his material from the Drudge Report), no sales staff, no production staff. It's just Rush and Bo running the entire show.
I wonder what it is really like.
Thursday - September 10, 2009
GymmekneeI joined the "Wellness Center" at City Hospital in Martinsburg today.
It is a well equipped gym.
I started on a month to month basis because I don't know if I will like it. It cost a little more; $35/mo. vs $31/mo., but I can switch to the yearly plan anytime I want.
I'll let you know how it works out.
Gee WhizPhotos from NASA's Hubble Telescope make me feel insignificant (more so than usual).
GollyeeeFox news has a poll that asks: "Did the president's speech change your mind on health care?"
The overwhelming majority voted "No." The answer and vote can be misleading. When I first read it I thought it meant "do you agree with president Obama's plan." That's not what it asks. I really don't know what to make of the question. If you are a liberal and agreed with his plan (or lack thereof) and you still agree then a "No" vote is counted the same as a conservative that voted "No."
Gosh DarnThe president says that he will partially fund his health care plan by eliminating $500 billion in "waste, fraud, and abuse" from Medicare. He has been in office nearly 9 months. How much "waste, fraud, and abuse" has he eliminated from Medicare? None, I would suspect.
Wednesday - September 9, 2009
AtlantisProf. Arysio Nunes dos Santos hypothesized that Atlantis did exist about 16,000 years ago in the South China Sea in the area near Malaysia. It didn't sink into the sea it was flooded by a gigantic tsunami after a huge underground volcano erupted and the ice age ended.
It makes interesting reading.
Pat BoonePat Boone writes "The President Without a Country." If you like what president Obama is doing, don't read it. Oh, go ahead and read it! It won't hurt you.
Cute VideoCute video of a golden retriever and a cat. If you like cats or dogs you will enjoy this one.
Monday - September 7, 2009
Labor DayI wish I was in shape to do some labor. I'm not, so I won't.
BTW: Shouldn't "Labor Day" be more appropriately named "Laborer's Day"?
Big Win in HeartsI won my first game of Internet hearts with a score of zero in 5 hands. I shot the moon 3 times and missed a fourth by one lead.
We are judged by
what is in our hearts
not our pockets.Sign in front of Kearneysville WV
Presbyterian Church/center
News from the PondStill no rain. We are 5" below normal rainfall here Pond is getting low.
Saw 6 trout and the big bass yesterday.
Thursday - September 3, 2009
So CoolWhen I got up this morning it was only 45 degrees outside. A few hours later it was 78. Fall is in the air.
Church Bulletin Boards Bloopers
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Quaker
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself.
"Are you a real Quaker?" he asked as he was ringing up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Fuck Thee."
Wednesday - September 2, 2009
I Did it AgainI couldn't help myself. I harvested a huge red bell pepper and a perfect large green pepper and some other not so nice green peppers from my garden. I had eight halves.
I love stuffed peppers so I fixed a huge batch. This is how I prepared them:
They are delicious. I still have 7 left. I'll freeze some.
- I parboiled each half for about 30 seconds in boiling water to take away the bitter taste from the peppers.
- I cooked a package of Zatarains long grain wild rice.
- In a large Corningware casserole dish I put in:
- 3 cans of sliced potatoes
- 1 can of small early green peas
- Vadallia onion chopped coarsely
- 1 can of Campbells tomato soup (with a cup of water)
- Half the rice
- Dash of black pepper
- 1/2 t Italian seasonings
- For the meat filling I used:
- 2 pounds of ground chuck
- 2 eggs beaten
- The other half of the rice
- 1 slice of 12 grain bread chopped in blender
- 1/4 t garlic powder
- 1/2 t Italian seasonings
- I placed the pepper halves on top
- Stuffed them with the meat mixture
- Cooked in 350 degree oven for 1 hour
- Removed from oven put catsup on top of peppers and topped off with chopped bread crumbs
- Cooked for another 15 minutes
Beer
Beer is proof that God loves us
and wants us to be happy.Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
Archie Bunker said that you can't buy beer; you rent it.
An Italian Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is..."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed..."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, and I admire that... But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
Last Month's Journal
E-mail: 1oldlloyd@comcast.net
