Sunday - November 22, 2009
The Ghost of Joe Gibbs
I just watched the Washington "Deadskins" play the Dallas Cowboys.
Washington was ahead 6-0 until the last 5 minutes in spite of two missed field goals by the Redskins kicker who hadn't missed one all season.
Then the Deadskins went into the "prevent" defense. That defense puts only 4 men rushing and allowing the other team to get short yardage but no long ones.
The 4 man rush gave the Dallas quarterback plenty of time to find receivers and they marched down the field making 7 first downs and a touch down in 9 plays.
I looked around to see if Joe Gibbs was coaching.
No more Deadskins for me. I've had it with them.
A True Inspiration
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability
to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times
that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements
of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that
you're retired'? Well. I'm fortunate to have a chemical
engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy
most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
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In the Cactus Patch
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or
I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so
dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
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Saturday - November 21, 2009
Virtual Pool
I just played a perfect 3 game match of Virtual Pool 9-Ball
.
I made the 9-ball twice on the break and ran the table on the last game.
My opponent didn't get a shot.
Hurrah!
Wake up, World
Here is the speech of Geert Wilders, chairman Party for Freedom (the Netherlands) entitled
America as the last man standing.
It is sobering; really sobering.
Government Program Failures
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This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,
- The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775 You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
- Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
- Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
- War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money
is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
- Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
- Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
- The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil.
It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more
oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM?
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The English Language
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The English language is certainly amazing!
Did you know:
- That the word "race car" spelled backward says race car.
- That the word "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense...... ate.
- And Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "
Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking ass holes and take those other sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.."
How weird is that?
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Friday - November 20, 2009
Words
I like words. I've always liked words.
When I was a kid I read the "Towards More Picturesque Speech" section in the Reader's Digest magazine. I listened to Bill Buckley's "Firing Line" because he always used words I didn't know. I would write them down and look them up in the dictionary later.
I thought I knew words until I found "Can you name the most commonly used words in the English language?" in Sporcle. It challenges you to list the 100 most commonly used words in 12 minutes. I only got 64. My mind froze up after about 10 minutes.
News From the Pond
There is green algae all over the bottom of the pond. It is thick like moss and has clogged up the pump for the water fall.
I saw 6 trout and the large bass yesterday.
The logs are still floating.
No ice on the surface.
I saw a giant blue heron. It had a wing span of at least 5 feet.
I Love This One
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw
anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,
back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes
on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I
got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.
What firm are you with?"
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Thursday - November 19, 2009
A Rose by any Other Name
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What's in a name?
That which we call a rose by
any other name would smell as sweet.
William Shakespeare
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I watched Major Garrett's interview with president Obama yesterday.
Is "Major" his first name or was he a major in the military? I don't know.
Why not give kids a head start in life by giving them a title as a first name?
Some names come to mind:
| "Sergeant" York |
"Lieutenant" Pulver |
"Colonel" Klink |
"Captain" Hook |
"Admiral" McCain |
| "General" Haig |
"Chief" Donn |
"Sir" Gallihad |
"Bishop" O'Conner |
"Reverend" Nau |
| "Detective" Monk |
"Doctor" House |
"Congressman" Obee |
"Officer" O'Brien |
"Inspector" Panther |
| "Madame" Mosley |
"Lady" McBeth |
"Senator" Collins |
"MP" Smithe |
"Pastor" Paul |
| "Mrs" Miniver |
"Miss" Anthroporp |
"Mr" Roberts |
"Mother" Teressa |
"Uncle" Remmus |
| "Mayor" Daily |
"Representative" Jackson |
"Speaker" Pelosi |
"Councilman" Phillips |
"Viscount" Mason |
| "Reverend" Wright |
"Pope" John |
"President" Ford |
"Professor" Phillips |
"Master" Mason |
| "Marquises" Merridth |
"Viscount" Dubois |
"Count" Bassie |
"Duke" Ellington |
"Prince" Charles |
| "King" Ferdinand |
"Lord" Cavendish |
"Princess" Beatrice |
"Duchess" Sara |
"Queen" Elizabeth |
| "Sister" Dominica |
"Father" Flannigan |
"Friar" Tuck |
"Meshiah" Moberly |
"Jesus" Valdez |
After much thought, I can't decide between "Professor" and "King."
I think I'll choose "Professor." It would be an easier life than being king and there's less chance of being assassinated.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Convergence:
I just finished watching the 18th MIT electrical engineering lecture.
I noticed, again, that the blackboard eraser was about 12 inches long. That is over twice as long as the ones I remember, but it makes a lot of sense to use a big eraser to get the job done more quickly.
My mind jumped to professor Brown's class when I was a student in his Dynamics class.
Professor Brown was the chairman of the mechanical engineering department at Kansas University back in the '50's. I took his statics and dynamics classes.
He was somewhat eccentric. One of his idiosyncrasies was his tool tray that he carried to class each day. It was about 24" long, 16" wide an about 6" deep. It had a made of wood and had a handle formed lengthwise in the center like a carpenter's tool tray. It was a bigger version of Roy Underhill's tool tray in TV show "The Woodwright Shop."
In the tray he had all of his essentials; books, papers, chalk, etc. When he came to class he had his tool tray in his right hand and a floor dust mop in the other. He used the dust mop as a blackboard eraser. It worked. It was simple and he used it well.
Wednesday - November 18, 2009
Barry
Back in August I found the address of Barry, my old college ATO fraternity pledge brother. I hadn't seen or heard from him for in over 50 years.
I didn't receive a response from him so I assumed he was disinterested, disconsolate, distrait or dead.
A few days ago he phoned me. He told me that he had had a stroke the month before I wrote to him.
We talked for only a few minutes about our families and our shared memories.
We agreed to get together after he had recovered from his stroke. Good luck, Barry, old friend.
I got to thinking about it after the call and wondered if I wrote the letter subconsciously knowing there was something wrong.
Charming
The Moron Brothers video is charming. At least it is to me.
I guess it's the hillbilly in me.
The guys talk like Junior Samples (Hee-Haw).
New Background Color
For those who don't like my political positions, I've made it easier to ignore them. Just skip the sections with a passionate pick background. Remember, a blue background means that it is for adults only and a yellow background is "borrowed" from someone else. Comments on white backgrounds are mine.
Tuesday - November 17, 2009
Walking Eagle
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President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
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Do You Need a Chuckle?
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
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Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
It
started to sink, who would be saved? .... America!
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
**********************
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Obama Admits he is a Muslim
Obama Admits he is a Muslim on a youtube video.
I see it. I hear it. But I'm still not so sure.
How to Pull a Tooth
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A man went to the dentist to have some work done.
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles," the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth."
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A Boy's First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was
new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time ."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" She
asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time ."
So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you
put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
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Advice from Dr. Sowell
There is no point dwelling on all the foolish
mistakes we have made in our lives.
For one thing, it can be very time-consuming.
Dr. Thomas Sowell
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Friday - November 13, 2009
Train Photos
Cumberland train station
Two old mules and a boy
Train arriving at station
Old Lloyd in fireman's togs
Old Lloyd ready to rumble
Train at Frostburg, Maryland
Train in turnstile
Eleven Myths of De-cluttering
I'm a packrat. I looked at the Eleven Myths of De-cluttering
and laughed.
Quotes from the Qur'an and Hadith on War, Violence, Infidels, and Unbelievers
Quotes from the Qur'an and Hadith on War, Violence, Infidels, and Unbelievers seems to teach that a Muslim should try to convert non-Mulsims and if they don't convert....KILL THEM.
Tiny URL
I now have a tiny URL (tinyurl.com/ygjrwwl) for my journal. It is harder to remember than my regular URL. I seldom enter my URL. If I forget it, I just Google "Old Lloyd."
Tuesday - November 10, 2009
Choo-Choo
My dad worked as an engineer for the Union Pacific Railroad.
In the spring of 1954 I was released from active duty in the Navy. That spring and summer I worked as a fireman on a steam engine. Dad helped me get the job.
It was hard, dirty, sweaty work.
Karen and I wanted to take a train excursion on the Western Maryland Scenic Railroad
for several years. We made the trip last Saturday.
She took some photos. I'll post some in my journal soon.
Most of the leaves were off the trees, but, as it turned out, that was a good thing because we could look through the trees along the track and see the great views.
The train left Cumberland, Maryland at 11:30 AM and return at about 3 PM. It went to Frostburg, Maryland and back with about an hour layover.
I wore my bib overalls and proudly displayed my pocket watch (only chain visible). My dad wore bib overalls every day of his life except when he was in the hospital.
I couldn't find my railroader's cap. Dad used to put his on Terry's (our oldest) head. Terry thought that was fun. Dad also had a pair of toy, windup teeth that would dance around on a hard surface. Terry would always laugh at that trick. He was only 3 in 1958 when I graduated college and took a job at Cape Canaveral, Florida. Mom and Dad lived in Kansas City, Kansas. We were a long way from home.
Dad passed away in 1959; Mom 10 years later.
An Old Farmer's Advice
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* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers at a
distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from
the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.
* Never fart in an elevator when there is only one
other person in it with you.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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As I've Matured
Saturday - November 7, 2009
True Love
Husband asks his wife:
How many men have you slept with?
Wife proudly replies:
Only you darling, with all the others, I was awake!
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Friday - November 6, 2009
Have we Lost or Way....and our Minds?
We are at war with Islam yet we aren't. What the Hell does that mean?
They are at war with us, but we pretend not to be at war with them because we might insult the "normal" Muslims. That's a crock!
Yesterday a radical Muslim US army major shouted "Allahu Akbar!" - an Arabic phrase for "God is great!" - before opening fire on soldiers at Fort Hood. He fired over 40 shots from two handguns before he was stopped by a civilian cop. He was in a room full of American soldiers. Where were the MP's? Why didn't the soldiers in the room rush him and put him down? Why were so many soldiers shot in the back?
Are our soldiers now "politically correct" not wanting to insult anyone or are they cowards? This is a national disgrace. As a veteran and an American I'm disgusted.
Garden Snakes Can be Dangerous
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
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Thursday - November 5, 2009
MIT Lectures
I stumbled across a MIT web site that has entire courses (video and text) available on line. I'm taking and electrical engineering course called Introduction and lumped abstraction. It is like old times (50 years ago). I still remember all of this material.
Puns
I usually don't like puns, but these are above average. (Note: above average for a pun is still way below average.)
- Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
- A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
- A backwards poet writes inverse.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
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Tuesday - November 3, 2009
Indispensable Man
Someone sent me an email with the URL for the Indispensable Man by Saxon White Kessinger. It
contains the complete poem about the hand in the bucket of water poem that I mentioned yesterday. It is from Apple Seeds a very interesting blog with much material.
Surround Yourself with Intelligent People
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do
you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself do
with intelligent people."
Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?",
he asks.
"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."
Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.
"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your
brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not
your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his
advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends
up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden
asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot!
It's Gordon Brown!"
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Monday - November 2, 2009
On Retirement
Time flies; especially as you get older. I remember when I was in grade school the summers seemed like years. Now, years pass by at the blink of an eye.
I've been retired for 17 years. Last month was my anniversary.
I had no illusions that I would be missed when I left because I always remembered a favorite saying of a co-worker. He used to say, "One monkey the show don't stop....(then a long pause and he'd duck his head and say).....even if it's a gooooooooo....d monkey!" He would lift his head and laugh and laugh. So would I, no matter how many times I had heard it before.
Another saying that kept me humble was actually from a poem that ended: "Put your hand in a bucket of water and pull it out....the impression your hand leaves in the water will be how much you'll be missed." I have never found that poem. I wish I had the entire verse.
On Marriage
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"The most important thing
a father can do for his children
is to love their mother."
[ unknown ]
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One thing I was never in doubt about while I was growing up was that my father loved my mother. She loved him too, but he didn't measure up to her standards. I don't suppose, even now, that I thought about that much. It was just the way it was...no secret.
My mother loved me with all her heart, as I did her. My dad never talked about love much. In fact, he never talked much to my sister and me. Mom was the disciplinarian. Dad usually didn't get involved.
Divorce was very uncommon back 50 years ago. In my family there was only one divorce. One of my mother's brothers got a divorce. She had 10 brothers and sisters. Dad had one sister. To my knowledge, none of my 20 or so first cousins ever got a divorce either. There was a social stigma attached to divorce. No longer. If things get tough...get a divorce. "For better or worse" has been replaced by "for better or I'm outa here!"
The biggest problem I see with divorce is the effect it has on the children. Children, are really hurt be divorce.
Even though my dad didn't talk to me much, I knew he was there and that he was head of the house...or, at least, HE thought so.
I like the teachings of the New Testament about divorce. Divorce is forbidden. But if a divorce or separation occurs, neither party is free to re-marry as long as their wife or husband is still alive. If people would follow that law, life would be much better for them and "the children."
The Thrifty Widow
THE THRIFTY WIDOW
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit. editor informs her
that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects
and then says, "Well then, let it read:"
Fred Brown died
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7
word minimum for all obituaries.
Only a little flustered, she thinks
thing over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read:"
Fred Brown died:
1983 Pick-up for sale
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Sunday - November 1, 2009
I Miss the Noise
Our house was full of noise; happy noises of babies, kids playing, dogs, radios, and TV's.
Each of our 6 babies grew up and left the nest. With each departure the house grew quieter.
The dogs died.
My wife died.
Now the only noise in my lonely house is the TV.
I miss the happy noises and, yes, the occasional nagging.
Halloween
No trick-or-treaters again this year. Bill had over 400. Karen about 60. Jenny about 50.
Thursday - October 29, 2009
Let Me In
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A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him.
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either."
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I'll Pass on "Opting Out"
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.......So now, employer-provided health insurance is subsidized not only by the employees themselves through lower wages and salaries, but also by all taxpayers who have to make up the difference for this massive tax deduction.
How many people are stuck in jobs they hate and aren't good at, rather than going out and doing something useful, because they need the health insurance from their employers? I'm not just talking about MSNBC anchors -- I mean throughout the entire economy.
Almost everything wrong with our health care system comes from government interference with the free market. If the health care system is broken, then fix it. Don't try to invent a new one premised on all the bad ideas that are causing problems in the first place.
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Read Ann Coulter's complete article at I'll Pass on "Opting Out".
The Hair Cut"
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, "I Cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and
left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank
you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy
and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Aphorism
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Tuesday - October 27, 2009
Let Me Get This Straight
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We're going to pass a health care plan:
- written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it
- passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it
- signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes
- with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes
- overseen by a surgeon general who is obese
- and financed by a country that's broke.
What possibly could go wrong?
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Fairy godmother
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest
kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if her was brown like other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like
the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators
and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for
his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You
will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad
thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same
woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy
godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me
brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen
with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and
says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the
exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says:
"My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of
Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell
do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy.....just follow the yellow
dick Toad!"
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Monday - October 26, 2009
To Bed
Yesterday Karen put my vegetable garden to bed for the winter. She pulled out all the old plants and weeds. Some of the weeds were bigger than the plants.
She also trimmed the grass around the house.
Thanks, Karen.
Snake
"Snake" was a fox. He lived in the hen house.
"How could a fox live in a hen house," you might ask.
Snake lived there his entire life. When he was born his mother was shot by the farmer and snake Snake crawled into the hen house. The hens felt sorry for him so they raised him.
Every night they would cover him with straw so the farmer wouldn't find him.
One day the rooster came into the hen house and discovered Snake.
The rooster squawked and squalled as he ran from the hen house.
Quickly the farmer came to the coup and shot Snake.
The moral of this story is that everyone should know their place. A snake in the grass is alright, but a snake in the hen house isn't.
Government
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"At the heart of the American idea is the deep distrust and suspicion the founders of our nation had for government, distrust and suspicion not shared as much by today's Americans. Some of the founders' distrust is seen in our Constitution's language such as Congress shall not: abridge, infringe, deny, disparage, violate and deny. If the founders did not believe Congress would abuse our God-given rights, they would not have provided those protections. After all, one would not expect to find a Bill of Rights in Heaven; it would be an affront to God.
Other founder distrust for government is found in the Constitution's separation of powers, checks and balances and the several anti-majoritarian provisions such as the Electoral College and the requirement that three-quarters of state legislatures ratify changes in the Constitution.
The three branches of our federal government are no longer bound by the Constitution as the framers envisioned and what is worse is American ignorance and acceptance of such rogue behavior. Look at the current debate over government involvement in health, business bailouts and stimulus packages. The debate centers around questions as whether such involvement is a good idea or a bad idea and whether one program is more costly than another.
Those questions are entirely irrelevant to what should be debated, namely: Is such government involvement in our lives permissible under the U.S. Constitution? That question is not part of the debate. The American people, along with our elected representatives, whether they're Republicans or Democrats, care less about what is and what is not permissible under our Constitution. They think Congress has the right to do anything upon which they can secure a majority vote, whether they have the constitutional or moral authority to do so or not." Walter E. Williams
George Mason University economics professor
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Sunday - October 25, 2009
And You Thought You Knew How to Carve a Pumpkin
Check out Pumpkingutter for some good ideas.
After you get over your amazement be sure to click on "tutorial" to learn the carving techniques.
Global Warming?
"Warming Up to the Truth: The Real Story About Climate Change" is worth reading. The author claims that man made global warming is overstated.
"The Lies Of Global Warming" video:
Saturday - October 24, 2009
Anniversary
I forgot my anniversary a few days ago (Oct. 20th).
I have been retired for 17 years. It doesn't seem like a day over 16.
Readers
There are a few people who have been reading my journal for years. Others take a peek and leave immediately.
Except for my own kids, I can't imagine a youngster finding what I have to say very interesting.
Because I write about many subjects, sooner or later I offend everyone. I don't mean to.
There is one woman who emails me now and then, who says she disagrees with almost everything I write, but she likes to read it. Maybe she throws her slippers at her monitor.
Bellies
Today I'm going to discuss bellies. Not hog bellies; not belly futures or belly pasts, but rather human bellies; large, round, full bellies.
Sometimes when I have trouble going to sleep at night (which isn't often), I gently extract lint from my navel. It is not all together a pleasant task. It doesn't hurt and it doesn't feel particularly good either.
I always wonder what to do with my prize. Usually I flick it towards the waste basket beside my bed. I seldom check the next morning to see if I hit my mark.
Lately since I've been dieting, I've noticed that my finger doesn't have to dig as deeply to get the bottom of the old belly button well. It used to be about a knuckle and a half deep. Now it is only a half a knuckle. That is positive proof that I have lost belly fat.
That gave me a bright idea. Instead of buying expensive and inaccurate scales (people always think they are broken or inaccurate when they are dieting), why not sell a belly button depth gauge? It could be a very simple device like a pocket scale that has a sliding clip that you can position after the end bottoms out. Think of it as a dip stick.
Instead of the scale being calibrated in inches, it could have markings like:
BELLY BUTTON DEPTH GAUGE
| INCHES |
NOMENCLATURE |
| 0 to .25 |
Olympian |
| >.25 to .50 |
Fit |
| >.50 to 1.0 |
Unfit |
| >1 to 2 |
Obese |
| >2 to 3 |
You could use this for carrying coins |
| >3 to 6 |
Rent this space to the National Petroleum Reserve |
| >6 |
Are you sure you have this in the right hole? |
Ogden Nash's Advice on Marriage
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
Ogden Nash
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Friday - October 23, 2009
Benjamin Franklin's Advice on Marriage
"Keep your eyes wide open before
marriage, half shut afterwards."
Benjamin Franklin
Poor Richard's Almanack, 1738
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Redneck Halloween Jokes
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You might be a Redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
has more teeth than your spouse.
Bubba's wife passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send
someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put
the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be
putting down that lantern...
It seems there's yet another one in there!"
cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment,
and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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TenTop Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex
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10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
And number 1:
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
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Thursday - October 22, 2009
News From the Pond
Bill caught 8 rainbow trout and one golden trout and put them in the pond.
A few days later the golden trout was gone.
I have had over 50 trout disappear from the pond over the years. I know they don't just vanish, but I hadn't until now, figured out what happed to them. I thought of poachers who might sneak in while I'm away or asleep and catch them. I thought of giant blue herons which I have seen at the pond. I've thought of coons, dogs and hawks.
The verdict is in. It is hawks. Bill found a dead trout on the other side of the dam. It had talon marks in it. If the hawk accidentally dropped it, I can't figure out why it didn't come back for it.
I looked for trout for about 10 minutes on Tuesday. I saw only one.
Bill has hawk eyes and he saw many trout in the pond yesterday.
We went fishing yesterday and he caught 5, but they were in a "catch and release" stream so we couldn't keep them.
Bill suggested putting a big log in the pond to provide cover for the trout. On the way back he found 2 big logs. He lashed them together and put them in the pond. I hope the fish are smart enough to seek cover.
While Bill fishes I usually stay in his truck and listen to talk radio. Rush said Michele has brain washed Barrack Obama to do womanly chores. He said that Obama was "Chick-O-fied." We used to call the condition being "hen-pecked."
News From the Yard
We had about 1.5 " of rain this last week. It was still not enough to get water flowing into the pond from the spring fed pond upstream. It did help the grass and plants.
We had a killing frost here on Monday. It got down to 31 degrees. It killed all the plants in my vegetable garden. I picked the tomatoes and bell peppers. I fixed my last batch of fried green tomatoes tonight. Love them.
George Washington on Marriage
"I have always considered marriage as
the most interesting event of one's life,
the foundation of happiness or misery."
George Washington,
letter to Burwell Bassett, 1785
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New Knickers
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This frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits in the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs
enough times till her husband says,
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that....... I thought the stuffing
was coming out of the sofa!"
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Great Sex?
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Mothers Always Know What to Say
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents,
went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you... I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son
was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when
she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
"You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The son said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.'
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and
WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said...
"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
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Sunday - October 18, 2009
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
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10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"
and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
anyway.
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Why Men are Happier Than Women
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can never be pregnant.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth..
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky ……..
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character..
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks and engines.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase...
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack..
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original .
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Observations on Growing Older
- It's harder to tell navy from black.
- Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
- Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
- Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
- Going out is good; coming home is better!
- When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
- When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.
- You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
- The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
- You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
- The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
- You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
- Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
- The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
- Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
- Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
- You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
- The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
- Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
- You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
- When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
- You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
- Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
- Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
- You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
- Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
- Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
- Your concealer doesn't conceal.
- Your lipstick bleeds.
- Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
- You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
- What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
- Everybody whispers.
- Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
- You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again.
- But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!
Nontheless, growing older is better than the alternative.
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Sounds to Sleep By
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Sounds to Sleep By is very, very relaxing. You can adjust the sounds individually.
I like "flute song", "creek", "thunder", "crickets", and "wind chimes."
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Thursday - October 15, 2009
Breakfast Guests
Bob Evans, Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth joined me for breakfast this morning. Bob Evans provided the sausage, Aunt Jemima the pancakes and Mrs. Butterworth the syrup.
Incredible Videos
Incredible Deer Video
Incredible Fishing Video
Incredible New Bridge Being Built over Hoover Dam Click on thumbnail photo for big image.
Tuesday - October 13, 2009
Interesting Life Expectancy Calculator
Use the Life Expectancy Calculator
to predict your life expectancy. Mine is 85 years. I'm only 77 now. I hope I make it to 85.
Fly Away Home
Use the The Transition®- a street-legal airplane
to beat the traffic. Sounds like a good idea, but the $194K is a little steep for me. Perhaps if they also make it float like a boat.
A Muslim at the Pearly Gates
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up."
And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter.
He climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.
He continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,
He discovers an even larger room
Where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs,
Ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room
Where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"
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Sunday - October 11, 2009
Interesting Quiz
Take the World's Smallest Political Quiz
. It's only 10 questions. It got my number...."conservative."
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."
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I've often wondered how to spell "Kemo Sabe."
Growing up isn't what it used to be
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Someone asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called "at home," I explained.
"Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
- Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
- In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
- My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
- We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
- It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 AM. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
- I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie."
- When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
- I never had a telephone in my room.
- The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
- Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
- All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6 AM every morning.
- On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
- Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
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Saturday - October 10, 2009
Obama- Nobel Peace Prize: Get Real!
Obamania is unbelievable. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize within 2 months of his inauguration. What had he done in 2 weeks? Oh, I forgot, he started to destroy America. For that he got a 1.4 million dollar payoff from the Swedes.
Friday - October 9, 2009
Real Men
Where did all the "real men" go?
By "real men" I mean manly men. Men who are strong, assertive, even aggressive.
"Real men" are not sissies with long hair and pierced body parts or boyish looks. They don't want to look like women.
Now a researcher many have stumbled on the answer. It's a hormone thing caused by the pill. Read about it.
I've known since I was a teenager that guys try to please women to get in their drawers. I never blamed the sissy boys for trying to please their prey. I just never understood what motivated "the prey."
Thursday - October 8, 2009
Farts
I always thought that farts were funny. I had a "fake fart" or "faulty fart" yesterday morning at 4 AM when I got up to pee. That one wasn't funny, not funny at all!
For the uneducated, some background and definitions:
An "atomic fart" is one with more than 5% fall out.
A "faulty fart" is the additive inverse of an "atomic fart", i.e., one with more than 95% fall out.
Taking a shower at 4 in the morning is not my idea of fun.
What Happened to our Navy?
Now they want to put women on subs. That will be a disaster!
The only way that might work is if it is an all female sub.
One reader comment was: "Hey women on subs: It worked in the movie "Down Periscope." It might be a NEW definition to UP PERISCOPE."
Free HP Online Courses
HP is providing a whole bunch of courses for us computer nerds, free of charge. I found out things I never knew about Microsoft Excel.
Check out HP Learning Center.
Republican Letter to President Obama
October 7, 2009
President Barrack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President:
We write today to express our desire to work with you to enact policies that will help small businesses get back on their feet and create jobs, and to highlight some of the solutions put forth by Republicans that we believe can serve as the basis for bipartisan action toward this goal.
Last Friday marked a grim milestone for our country, as the national unemployment rate reached 9.8 percent, the highest level in 26 years. It is now evident that the massive "stimulus" spending bill enacted months ago has been unsuccessful. Washington borrowed a trillion dollars from our nation's children and grandchildren for this legislation, which was supposed to create jobs and keep the national unemployment rate from rising above 8 percent. Instead nearly 3 million private sector jobs have been lost in America since the "stimulus" was signed into law, and the national unemployment rate is nearly 10 percent, and rising.
Small businesses are bearing the brunt of these losses. According to the ADP National Employment Report released September 30, employment among small businesses (those with fewer than 50 workers) declined by 100,000 from August to September, while employment declined by 61,000 among large businesses and by 93,000 among medium-sized businesses during the same period. The American people are right to ask: where are the jobs?
The engine of job creation in America is small business, not government. Since the beginning of the year, Republicans have put forth solutions that reflect an understanding of this fact, which was lost last winter in Democratic-controlled Washington's rush to enact a "stimulus" bill based on slow-moving and wasteful government spending.
In the time since the unsuccessful "stimulus" was enacted, the Administration and Congress have focused most of their collective attention on the goals of enacting a government takeover of health care and a new "cap and trade" national energy tax. In their current form, both of these bills would inflict further harm upon small businesses and eliminate millions of additional American jobs if enacted. Employers throughout the country are watching, and the job-killing policies on the horizon are causing them to freeze their planning and hiring. We respectfully urge you to scrap these job-killing bills and start over, this time working with Republicans for responsible legislation that will help small businesses.
In the hopes of facilitating such bipartisan action, here are some of the solutions Republicans have put forth to help small businesses get back to creating jobs:
• Allow small businesses to take a tax deduction equal to 20 percent of their income. This will immediately free up funds for small businesses to retain and hire new employees.
• Let small businesses join together to purchase health insurance for their workers the way large businesses and labor unions do.
• Enact genuine legal reform and policies that incentivize wellness to reduce health care costs for small businesses.
• Lower taxes for all taxpayers by reducing the current 15 percent rate to 10 percent and reducing the current 10 percent rate to 5 percent. This will provide an immediate increase in income to every taxpaying family in America and free up capital to help small businesses hire more workers.
• Expand health savings accounts (HSAs) to provide additional flexibility to small businesses in providing health care to their employees.
• Increase the net operating loss carry back from 2 to 5 years to provide struggling employers with additional resources to keep their doors open.
These proposals, developed by the House GOP Economic Recovery and Health Care solutions groups, were presented for your consideration earlier this year. We respectfully ask again that you consider them for the purpose of helping small businesses get back to creating jobs. The Economic Recovery Solutions Group is also developing additional proposals that will be sent to the White House soon for your consideration. We stand ready to work with you to enact these and other common-sense solutions for the American people.
Sincerely,
House Republican Leader John Boehner
House Republican Whip Eric Cantor
House Republican Conference Chairman Mike Pence
House Republican Policy Committee Chairman Thaddeus McCotter
House Republican Conference Vice Chairman Cathy McMorris Rogers
House Republican Conference Secretary John Carter
National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions
Rules Committee Ranking Republican David Dreier
Chief Deputy Whip Kevin McCarthy
Congressman Roy Blunt
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Jefferson Quote
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand
like a rock. Thomas Jefferson
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Good Video Against Dems Health Care Bills
Check out congressmen Mike Rogers' response to the Democrats Health Bills.
Well worth the time.
A Bloke's Wife
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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He
reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He
got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of
nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!"
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align="center">The only thing that made that joke at all palatable was that they were Aussie's.
Growing Tomatoes
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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a male neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was impressed, so she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So, twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
'No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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Drunken Logic
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An Aussie friend of mine was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected
the following:
- A litre of milk
- A carton of eggs
- A carton of orange juice
- A 250 gram package of bacon
- A head of lettuce
- A 1 kilo can of coffee
As she was unloading my items onto the conveyor belt at the checkout, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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A sad thing: "A lonely, ugly woman."
A sadder thing: "A lonely, ugly old man."
Double Dose
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A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man."
Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed."
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Sunday - October 4, 2009
The Country of Texoarklan
The Country of Texoarklan (Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana) will probably never exist, but it sounds like a good idea to me. I'd move there in a jiffy. For you youngin's who don't know what a "jiggy" is: It's the inverse of a "google."
Saturday - October 3, 2009
2016 Olympic Bid
I thought for sure that the Chicago would be selected when Obama agreed to go to Denmark to make a final pitch. Why else would he risk his political capital if it weren't a sure thing?
I was wrong, but the Olympic Committee was right, perhaps for the wrong reasons though.
Why would Chicago attract Olympic visitors? Would it be the gang violence, or shootings, or people being beaten in the streets with 2 by 4's? Chicago came in last among the final four cities. Rio won.
Hawaii, or Puerto Rico, or Orlando would have been better places.
I think Obama's halo is tarnishing. Good! I don't like cult figures, especially crooked politicians.
Pat lived in Rio while her dad worked there for the US State Department. She graduated high school there in 1952.
It really doesn't matter much because many believe the world is coming to an end on December 21, 2012.
My Dear Wife, Patricia
Having mentioned Rio and Pat, I did an Internet search on Pat's old school in Rio. I found her photos there after all these years.
I checked the school to see the current tuition. It is about $25,000/yr plus a one time initiation fee of $6,500. I attended a public high school. At Kansas University the tuition was $75.00 per semester.
The End of the Internet as we Know it
"US relinquishes control of the Internet"
must make Jimmy Carter giddy. He loved giving away American possessions to others.
Why in the world would the US give away the control of the Internet?
I suppose it could be Obama's desire to be loved by foreigners or it could be his innate hatred of America.
Friday - October 2, 2009
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
I saw a flock of birds sitting on a telephone line. They all looked alike. They were all facing the same direction, sitting about the same distance apart.
This made me think about integration. Wild animals don't flock with unlike wild animals. They flock together; lions with lions, rhinos with rhinos, tigers with tigers, etc.
Why don't we humans think that whites should flock with whites and browns with browns, etc. Well, in fact, for the most part they do.
There are exceptions, of course. Tiger Woods is an example. He married a white woman. They have a tan child.
Like I said a few days ago, I was raised in an all white neighborhood. We had ours. The blacks had theirs.
We had our public schools. They had theirs.
We never had "race riots." At least if we did, I never heard of them.
The "separate but not equal" social experiment seems to have failed. Separate and equal worked.
Besides seeing the birds on the wire, I saw on the news that Tiger Woods has earned over 1 billion dollars in his career. Good for him. When I was a kid there weren't many "colored" golfers.
Thursday - October 1, 2009
He's Got the Runs
Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty is planning to run for president in 2012.
His name reminds me of "polenta" (a starchy accompaniment to a meal made from coarse maize-meal porridge).
All kidding aside, he seems like a likely candidate.
A Very Loving Wife
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A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice
from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or Lamb?
"He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied loudly, "F$%K you. You're having soup. I was talking to the
cat."
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The Economy is so Bad That....
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Women are marrying for love.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
- The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
- Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate! Do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
- Motel Six won't leave the light on.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
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Signs You've Joined a Very Cheap Health Care Plan...
- Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
- Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
- The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
- The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
- Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
- The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
- Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
- You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape.
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Last Month's Journal
E-mail: 1oldlloyd@comcast.net
