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|||||| THE LEGUME CHAMBER (RADIO SHOW) |||||| BLURTZ! OUT LOUD & OUTSPOKEN (TV SHOW) ||||||

A Summarized Description Of Blurtz!

Episode I – Pissed

Episode II – Values

Episode III – Sick

Episode IV – Pants

Episode V – Blah

Episode VI – Sturtz?

Episode VII – Fired

Episode VIII – Invasion Of The Geeps * Ep. Lost

Episode IX – T.V.

Episode X – Gidea

Episode XI – Irony, Schmirony * Ep. Lost

Episode XII – …And A Partridge In My Ass

Episode XIII – Outside ‘N’ Outrageous

Episode XIV – The P.O.L.L.Y. Club

Episode XV – Taoism Dripping From A Coathanger

Episode XVI – Back In The Blazing Saddle (Retsin Enema) * Ep. Lost

Episode XVII – Me Retard, Needy Helmet * Ep. Lost

Episode XVIII – Will Is A Sexy Man, Too Bad About His Gayness * Ep. Lost

Episode XIX – Halloweek Party * Ep. Lost

Episode XX – No Biznass Like Monkey Biznass

Episode XXI – For Serious, We Just Don’t Care Anymore

Blurtz! OutLoud & Outspoken – one of Cambridge Community Television’s "BeLive!" offerings, featuring two bombastically cynical young men sitting at a desk in a small room that also serves as their makeshift production studio. The two ramble on, less coherent at times than at others; occasionally doing something silly, for twenty-seven minutes of live feed, which is "cablecast" across the reaches of the good Republic of Cambridge.

Whether consuming their own feces or whiskey-soaked pages of the bible; whether getting monkeypox from Jews or getting fired by free speech advocates; whether stripping to their skivvies and whipping each other with their belts or (on very rare occasion) doing something homoerotic; the Blurtz! Boys are always entertaining. If you say "I believe in entertainment of uncompromising quality and artistic integrity" out loud, a Will or Cory gets its wings. If, however, you were to say "I do not believe in Blurtz!" (and also shoot Will and Cory with a gun), Blurtz! would die

Will and Cory do not have false expectations about B!OL/OS. It is a cable access show, broadcast once live from a shitty little studio, and then rebroadcast at a ridiculously late hour when it will safely not be viewed by anyone. They know that it is a stepping stone to the amazing careers they surely have laid out before them. But that’s not going to stop them from treating every episode as though it were the most important event to grace television since Patty Hearst broke her daddy’s heart. Now that was fucking funny.

Sending Blurtz! lots of money is encouraged. Unless you want such things as nuclear war, plague and pestilence? For Blurtz! are the chosen of the gods. Which gods, you ask? Well, we’re not exactly sure. They’re either the gimpiest and least attentive members of the pantheon in the treatment of their favorite spawn, or the most sadistic.

Almost anyone, excluding midgets, Mormons, albinos, and androids, is welcome to be a guest on Blurtz! OutLoud & Outspoken. Just show up at CCTV’s doorstep any Sunday before 9pm. And say Sergei sent you.

I am, of course, kidding. Midgets, albinos, Mormons, and androids (and especially combinations thereof) are more than welcome on our television show. Come at your own risk, though, with the forewarning that we will mock you mercilessly. You will become a joke-butt. And nothing’s worse than being a joke-butt. Except, perhaps, being a fat vegetarian’s butt. That would be a terrible existence. I would ask God to strike me down every day (well, more frequently than I already do)

CAST: CORY BLAMIRE & WILL KURTZ (w/ TOMMY WILLIAMS)

CONCEPT: CORY BLAMIRE & WILL KURTZ

WARDROBE: CORY BLAMIRE & WILL KURTZ

MAKE-UP: UM, NO. IT’S CABLE ACCESS. AND ALSO WE’RE STRAIGHT.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: CORY BLAMIRE (no Will Kurtz! Ha!)

CREATIVE TEAM: CORY BLAMIRE & WILL KURTZ

EXECUTIVE CREATIVE CONSULTANT: TOMMY WILLIAMS

CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: LOUIE WHATSISLASTNAME, ARTMAN MARTINS, AGENT STASH

"FLUFFER": LLOYD

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Synopsis: Cory & Will introduce their television audience to their show, their vision, and their unique brand of all-kinds-of-psychologically-unhealthy artistic chemistry. Cory designed the first-ever Blurtz! logo. His efforts were mocked and ridiculed incessantly for days thereafter. The two co-hosts with the co-mosts kick off their premiere show on a…somewhat scatological note, with a roll-in of "At Home With The Shit-Eaters" a ‘public service announcement’ in which the boorish, domineering husband (Cory) makes his pregnant, co-dependent wife (Will) sit on the floor and eat her feces with her hands, while he enjoys his at the dinner table, implementing the fine silverware. He then beats her breasts with a caveman club and demands sex. This all leads up to a stupid gag with Will (still in boobs and covered in "shit") addressing women everywhere with a piece of truly crappy advice. "AHWTSE" is followed by an equally un-P.C. animation the Boys found on the Internet; "Angrybot" by Brian Frisk. If the ambition of Blurtz! is to alienate as many good-hearted, ethical people as possible, Episode I was a bold step toward that goal. Towards the end of the show, Cory and Will decide to make-believe they actually have a credible talk-show by interviewing Tommy about the trio’s recent expedition to the WBCN River Rave – which has left them all Pissed. So pissed, in fact, that they build up a good head of steam for television’s first-ever live broadcast RCSE.

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Synopsis: Cory and Will introduce their friend Hank the Hippie. Candy introduces herself (/himself?). The most inappropriate dancing ever is applied to the Misfits song "Hollywood Babylon".

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Synopsis: A very disgruntled Tom introduces the show, subbing in for the Blurtz! boys who are allegedly home sick with SARS, but in actuality are chilling at home playing Mario Bros, with a slight case of mono. Monkeypox-Mania hits the Blurtz! set, along with an infectious gaggle of special guest appearances. Cory Blamire and Adam Janos switch bodies (or personas…it’s very confusing). A nice slow jam heals everything.

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Synopsis: Will rips his pants (already in sorry shape to begin with), with the aid of Cory’s knife. This becomes the focal point of the show (along with Cory getting up halfway through the program for a defecation break). Every attempt to play a roll-in fails. The audio is terrible. Probably the worst show in Blurtz! history.

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Synopsis: Cory and Will run their damn mouths for 27 minutes. There is a slightly above-average RCSE featuring the full Blurtz! troupe. Episode V’s saving grace is that "Hey, it was better than its direct predecessor!".

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Synopsis: Whilst Cory is slaving away as host of a swanky seafood restaurant, Will interviews the Blurtz! Boys’ old stand-up comedy mentor, Agent Stash. Their chemistry is somewhat lacking compared to that of the Blurtz! Boys, but there are a few interesting moments. Kind of…

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Synopsis: Cory and Will go through a "creative differences" period, and a bitter rift develops in Blurtz!…right down the middle, "…at the V. It’s always the V!". The timeslot is split, and each of the former cohosts gets his own show (Will’s being entitled "Cory Blamire Is A Pinko Queer", while Cory hosts "Will Kurtz Is A Commie Fag"), soapboxing against the other with the assistance of fair-weather friend Tommy. Susan Fleischmann’s violent aversion to the song Kumbaya is revealed once and for all.

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Synopsis: Tommy was being a tired, cranky bitch that day; at one point he asked if he "…could maybe leave and just watch the show from a friends house and maybe call in or something…?". He even went so far as to tell Cory that he thought the band Filter sucked. Cory told him that being a dour little tired cranky bitch should be his ‘gimmick’ on the show. "Sure whatever. That won’t really be a funny idea, but whatever", replied the ever-cheerful Mr. Williams.

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Synopsis: "T.V." was a script of Cory’s that the Blurtz! troupe had been wanting to produce for a long while. Ultimately, it was only selected for this particular date because everyone was growing impatient and frustrated with repeated postponements and wanted to "just get the damn thing over with". The result was a shoddy microcosm of the potential for what this episode could have been, but it was educational as it was our first fully-scripted episode, and when all is said and done, still turned out being a fine-standing episode on its own. In fact, no one outside of the Blurtz! Inner Circle even recognized the fuck-ups and inconsistencies. Historic first appearance of Tommyhead.

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Synopsis: Thrown together at, literally, the last possible minute; this episode was, and probably will stand as, the most incendiary episode of OL/OS to date. Cory and Will, in mock apology for their past transgressions, decide to atone by devoting an entire episode of their show to Bible Study. After making a feeble attempt to take the Mediocre Book seriously, Tommy hits the scene with a bottle of whiskey. "Dude, you guys are readin’ Bible! I gots some bourbon!" "Freeze-frame" on the three delighted, eager faces. The Gideon Ninja (Louie, in a ‘mask’), easily identified by the words ‘Gideon Ninja’ written on his bare chest in black Sharpie, slinks onset and steals the Gideon’s Bible. He then calls the show to torment his victims and gloat over his successful thievery, boasting that he will never be caught – until the Blurtz! gang point out that there’s a conspicuous man dressed as a ninja standing right outside the studio holding a Bible and talking on a cellphone. Forced to return the Bible and justify his actions, the Ninja explains his misguided belief that, in order to gain entry to heaven, one must amass the most Bibles and become holiest. Cory and Will explain that this is just superstitious poppycock; that the real way to get to heaven is by taking the Bible’s contents inside yourself…orally! Dipping pages of the Bible in whiskey, the boys proceed to get schnockered with a little help from their friends (Louie, Tommy, Agent Stash), reaching new heights of preposterousity despite (or perhaps because of) the volatile protests of enraged citizens calling in. The show culminates with Cory getting to know the Bible in a biblical sense. Yes, humping the Gospel. What hasn’t been done on television, at this point?

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Synopsis: Irony Schmirony was Will’s first stab as "head writer". As with "T.V.", a very good episode on paper. Poor planning and rushed execution caused it to fall short of expectations. It was still a lot of fun, and there were some very funny moments. Unfortunately, fate (and the combined idiocy of Will and Cory, who betwixt them couldn’t seem to load a tape into a deck and hit ‘record’) conspired to never allow it to be viewed again. But, like "T.V.", this script is slated to someday make a vivacious and triumphant return.

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Synopsis: Ridiculous. Tommy’s last episode. Cory and Will ran into the studio thirty seconds late for their show – blatantly fucked up. Getting hammered for the twenty minutes directly prior to our on-air time seemed like a much better idea before we did it. No regrets – we produced some sheer hilarity under the influence. We are all guilty of B!U.I. Tommy could not have received a warmer send-off. Unless there had been fire. And nudity. Setting naked people ablaze…okay, that is officially set in stone as the theme of Cory Blamire’s farewell episode. Also of note: Will broke new boundaries in television by doing the single most blatantly un-sober thing in the history of live talk-show television…when he somehow broke the chair in which he was seated, with his ass, by dancing in his seat.

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Synopsis: Cory and Will broadcast from a couch on the sidewalk at CCTV’s front doorstep, as part of the Sunday lineup on CCTV’s experimental SuperBeLive programming. Professor Sergei Goomba makes his second appearance on Blurtz! television. Some random Cantabridgian named Peter sits on the Blurtz! couch and chats about everything from his book to Californian politics – straight on to Cory and Will’s secret sex life.

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Synopsis: Cory, Will, and Cory’s roommate Jordan go through "a metamorphosis, as ol’ Kafka would call it…" because "to change you have to want to change and then envision the change and change the change and change lanes and only then are you changed, or so Dr. Phil says,". They change their sexes, their names (to Corina, Wilimena, and Toadina, respectively), their vocal affectations, and especially their attitudes, embracing feminism as "P.O.L.L.Y.s" – Pre-Op Lipstick Lesbian Youth. The P.O.L.L.Y. organization is run by a scantily clad, headless mannequin named Amber. Her catty rules prohibit those who are not her ‘friends’ (i.e. have not given her plaster crevice oral pleasure) from calling her by the familiar nomenclature of Amber – instead they (Will/Wilimena) must refer to her by her high priestess title, Marguerite. Highlights are many – too many to recount, but they include a wet t-shirt contest, some amusing telephone conversations, and a very testosterone-driven fight.

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Synopsis: Cory compares the Taoist tenet of the "Great Thoroughfare" to droppings of his semen, while his esteemed guest Troy Madison, a.k.a. renowned white suburban rapper Mag Muzzle, attempts to plug his new c.d. Amber (subbing in for the absent Will Kurtz) doesn’t say or do much, but takes her share of abuse from the two mysoginistic, freestyling amateur philosophers.

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Synopsis: Will and Cory show the latest Brian Frisk cartoon; they eat some delicious meat-filled "Moroccan cigars" courtesy of Cory’s upstairs neighbor (who throughout the duration of the show was mesmerized by CCTV’s tape-loading robot); Will leaves to go to work; Cory shoves a mint up his ass, then stagedives across the BeLive set. Voila.

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Synopsis: Cory is all by himself in the studio, because Will has to be at work half an hour after the show’s slated endtime. Will has the brilliant idea of having an AOL Instant Messenger conversation for the entire duration of the episode, while Cory plays several of his compact discs to provide a soundtrack to this entertaining text-based banter. This was a stupid idea. And, such as it was, a moot point. The computer in the BeLive studio would not download AIM because Macs suck and are the devil incarnate. Cory removed his shirt, ate his breakfast (provided by Dunkin Donuts), and discussed one of his favorite bands – Helmet. Proving once and for all that Cory can’t run a show by himself without a script (and without plenty of caffeine in his system…and without clothes on). So it’s good that Will called in for the whole episode. Except kind of not…because several other people attempted to call in but could not due to Captain Schmucko tying up the phone line.

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Synopsis: Will’s turn to fly solo. He apparently got lots of phone calls.

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Synopsis: It’s Halloweek, so the Blurtz! Boys and their Mysterious Buddy, Nick Savage, decide to have an in-studio celebration. They all dress up, take phone calls, and piss people off. Ah, the joy of the holidays.

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Synopsis: The funniest episode in quite some time.

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Synopsis: Whereas "No Biznass Like Monkey Biznass" was the funniest episode in quite some time, this was the exact opposite. Cory and Will gave negative one hundred and ten percent effort. Things started out sour when Cory played a clip of Avril LaVigne covering the System Of A Down song "Chop Suey" at a live performance. Will showed up two and a half minutes late, after the show was supposed to have gone on air. The two bicker with eachother and their phone callers, then resort to having an African folktale read-along; and ultimately admitting to the audience that they’d much rather be out drinking than having a t.v. show. At the very end of the show Cory shoots Will in the testicles with a gun (one that emits a red flag embossed with the word "Bang!"). A most fittingly unclimactic finish.

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BIO:

(remember when a 16-bit console made you the coolest little coolbean on the coolbeanstalk? You don’t? Well, then you’re way too old - or way too young. Either way you deserve a good swift punch in the vagina…)

Those wacky Blurtz! Boys first hooked up in the town of Belmont in 7^th grade, at the miserable crescendo of puberty. Taking an instantaneous shining to one another (meaning they both went insane in spooky hotels and ran hither and yonder wielding axes…), the two were inseparable from day one. Destiny brought them together. Hugs & superglue have kept them as such. Okay…to be quite honest, it wasn’t quite "love at first Blurtz!". Although they got along fine during their first few encounters - exchanging the prepubescent equivalent of niceties ("Uhh, that girl Abbey has spectacular boobs" "Uhh…yeah she does, doesn’t she?" "Uhh yeah. Okay, uhh. Bye.") and making fun of the nerdy fat Russian kid who complemented their three-student ‘group project’ in Social Studies class (thanks for doing all the work and letting us take the credit, Vadim!! Good looking out, ya smelly Borscht-sucking whale!) - Cory really didn’t care at the time whether Will got a chocolate chip cookie or cervical cancer; and vice versa. It wasn’t until 8^th grade, the following year, that the "magic" happened. For it was then that, with a wave of his wand, Cory turned Will into an iguana. You know…an iguana. For sex.

No, what really happened was the young peas of the Blurtz! pod soon realized the one inalienable truth that would become their unspoken (except on frequent instances such as this, when it is spoken verbally or written) mantra: Everyone else in this world is stupid and terrible; we have the power to create our own little world (the forces of Stupidity and Terribleness call this shared innate strength ‘insanity’) – it’s nice in here, fuck everything on the outside because as we said everyone else is stupid and terrible, and oh dear god our logic has grown circuitous because logic is numbers and numbers all come back to circles…Aaaaaaghhh!!!!

It would seem that the paraphrase in the preceding paragraph kind of makes us sound like the chics in "Heavenly Creatures". Well, I guarantee you, Will and I are no lesbians. Girls…yech.

Here is a jigsaw of the subsequent nine years, in ‘fast forward’.

Drugs ensued Lots of drugs ensued (this is understatement purely for understatement’s sake – trust me, further documentation of our ‘experimental days’ is not necessary). Will chased Cory with poop on a stick. Cory dropped a cat on Will’s head. Will killed a fruit bat (small furry mammal) with a whiffle bat (implement used in ‘whiffle-ball’, a variation on our national pastime of baseball, developed for the mentally retarded). Will knows what it feels like to take a life, and has been waiting patiently ever since for an opportunity to experience that sweet rush again. Cory developed a temporary, inexplicable paranoia and hatred for humanity in general, but specifically targeted toward the global Muslim community; and as a result, refused to leave his house for an entire summer. He would watch televised boxing matches as "training", then spend hours saving the world by punching invisible jihad-ers in his living room.

The two of them…

…became videophiles

…co-wrote rough drafts of several doomed screenplays which never really took off.

…saw such life-altering milestone films as "Tapeheads" and "Wayne’s World".

…would get into frenzied fistfights over ridiculous points of contention, bludgeoning eachother with everything from lunchtrays to floppy little packets of ketchup, only to call one another up to go check out a Fellini film two hours later.

…discovered sketch comedy.

…did some serious soul-searching and learned that there is no big, all-encompassing, esoteric meaning of life, but that life is indeed a big meanie.

…were nearly arrested for Sumo wrestling near the Tufts University campus.

…boldly tried their luck at stand-up comedy, vowing to hit it big someday.

…shamefully cursed their bad luck at stand-up comedy and ran with their tails between their legs, vowing to return someday…maybe.

…and most importantly, got their asses on the television!

Tom Williams attended high school with Will after Cory went off to "Smartland" (the extremely over-rated exam-school sham, Boston Latin). They had an intensely fun time, along with the rest of their circle of friends, enduring their formulative years in the warmly supportive and creatively stimulating township hamlet of Belmont. Actually, they all wanted to slit their wrists and so turned to drugs and Nietzsche for guidance.

At some point down the road, Will and Tommy developed their own personalized version of the classic Denis Leary tune "Asshole", with Will singing and subbing in his own improvisational rants; Tommy on acoustic guitar and backup vocals. This act became so popular that it reached a point such that, amongst certain groups of wayward Boston-area youth, no party was complete without it.

When Will and Cory were heading up Slacker University (their first apartment, and the focal point of outlandish party behavior in Allston Rock City throughout most of 2001), Tommy was first introduced to Cory Blamire, who at the time was stomping on the head of Tommy’s kid brother Barton with steel-toe boots. Cory watched Tommy make avail of his kitchen floor, sitting Indian style and telling an attentive audience of teenage girls that he was a "nice guy, like…a real nice guy, like…sensitive" and that they all sucked for being girls because girls were the reason nice guys want to die. Tommy watched Cory drink…heavily, while perched on a giant wooden spool, dancing…and then drink more. Needless to say, the two immediately hit it off.

‘Random Chaotic Sensory Explosion’ – perhaps Blurtz!’s most easily identifiable trademark, evolved from the manic energy that would inevitably break out between the Blurtz! Boys and Tommy at a certain point in every party they attended.

When it came time for Cory and Will to seize upon their "big break" at CCTV, Tommy was the unanimous and obvious choice as third member of the Blurtz! troupe.

With a great big enthusiasm, a great big bag of ideas, and a great big sphincter, Tommy brought much to Blurtz! Out Loud & Outspoken. Not the least of which includes such memorable characters as Hank the Hippie, Tommyhead, The Hostile Blurtz! Narrator/Bouncer, The God Of Television, or even ol’ Lambert McGinty.

Rumours that Tommy left the creative team of Out Loud & Outspoken to pursue an education at UMass Amherst are completely unfounded. The truth is, we had to let Tommy go due to his serious and ever-worsening addiction to Flintstones Kids vitamins. But we remain confident that Mr. Williams will clean up his act, get his shit together, and rejoin us on the tittilating rollercoaster that is Blurtz!. If Will Kurtz and Cory Blamire are the ‘Adolf’ and ‘Benito’ of the Blurtz! Reich, Tommy is, was, and always will be our ‘General Fuji’ – sure, we make all the headlines; but where would we be without the indomitable spirit of that spunky little Jap?

A chocolate chip cookie or cervical cancer? Who can really say?

One thing is certain – there are no certainties.

And there you have it. A little existentialist cream with your absurdist coffee?

Watch for Blurtz! developments on all of Cambridge Community TeleVision’s airwaves, and don’t be surprised if we turn up on the local comedy club circuit. Be even less surprised if we end up meeting our fate(s) in some kind of tragic lovers’ murder-suicide pact involving strategically placed banana peels.

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REVIEWS:

CCTV’s very own Artman Martins got the first official inside scoop on his precocious Blurtz! protégés in an article for the station’s Fall 2003 newsletter. Check it out: http://www.cctvcambridge.org/forms/newsletters/new.pdf

Other people surely have things to say about Blurtz!. But these opinions have not yet been made public. So for now, we can only speculate…

Candy: I want Blurtz! inside me!!! When I graduate high school, I’m gonna forego higher education to work in cable access so I can be just like those sexy bastards. I love Blurtz! almost as much as I love butt-chocolate!

Vince Dixon: The influence of Satan seems to be prevalent in Blurtz!’s complete disregard for all societal standards of normalcy and decency. It’s because of Blurtz! that I am considering a proposal to the Cambridge legislature that would instate a citywide "Ethics and Decency Committee", which I would, naturally, chair. Almost like our own personal Cantabridgian version of the FCC. Except with Jesus on our side.

J.D. Salinger: What…"Blurtz"? A T.V. show, you say? What - couple of phony, jerk-off kids spawned from years of pop-culture inundation? Let me guess – each one of them’s read my stupid fucking book fifteen fucking times and thought it was all profound or fucking life-changing or what have you. Goddamn pseudo-intellectual phonies. Sad that they don’t even realize that this society is beyond redemption, that art and expansive thought have lost all meaning and become the biggest joke of all, certainly more humorous than any of the ridiculous fare they go on about on their little program or whatever it is they do. Pah…television…as though goddamn movies weren’t bad enough. I have no opinions on the matter. Really. I have nothing to say. Just nothing is all. Get off my property. No, I will not autograph your goddamn red hat, goddamn it.

Steven Wright: Why…why all the phone calls? I still have nightmares about the gaggle of giggling messages…terrible nightmares. Sometimes I wet the bed. I also give it plenty of sunlight. Otherwise it will wilt and die. What happens if you’re actually falling into the Grand Canyon, but you’re unconscious and dreaming you’re safe in bed; then at the very last second…

John Ennis: If I was to pick only one thing that I have in common with Steven Wright…well it’d be pretty easy. There is only one thing. The following simple, run-of-the-mill statement applies to both of us. "I am a brilliant multi-medium comedic writer and performer originally from the Boston, MA area; marginally known by mainstream culture, yet idolized and at one point stalked by the Blurtz! Boys, who fabricated a review of them, by me, on their website". And on behalf of my friends Bob and David, get some original ideas, you pathetic little bastards!

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And here are those updates!

Wilhelm was certainly not feeling camera shy here.

And five minutes later…the bellydance continued:

All that skin-baring groovin’ can get one aroused. Especially if one is a bottle of beer. Not to worry – Will is glad to provide a "happy ending"! Never again let it be said that Will sucks. Because it’s not true. Oh wait, yeah it is.

ß Blamire looks on in disbelief.

Will is not the only Blurtz-er known to delve into the realm of the silly. As exemplified by this two-fisted jig: 

And here’s what life should be: sipping a beer and switching back and forth between cigs and stogies in a high-scale, smoky poolhall with lovely, buxom waitresses in low-cut, form-fitting attire bringing you sausage and beverages. (You can’t actually see any of the top-heavy envoys of pulchritude or their wonderful cleavage – or hour’derve sausages – from this picture. But trust me, they exist.)

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CONTACT INFORMATION:

E-mail:

Blurtz@jarofflies.com

Use "ATTN: Blurtz!" as header.

Fax #:

707-988-7344

(Yes, Blurtz! has a fax number. How quaint is that?!)

Write:

Cambridge Community Television, ATTN Blurtz!, C.C. Eli Kao

675 Massachusetts Avenue

Cambridge, MA 02139

Call-In

…to both the t.v. and radio shows, LIVE:

617-876-0055

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http://www.bobanddavid.com – To call them our heroes would imply they had ever done jackshit for us, aside from making us feel inadequate and unworthy.

http://www.googlefight.com – Just pure fun. Browser beware: EXTREMELY addictive.

http://www.rotten.com – Squeamish? Then by all means, VISIT THIS SITE! Especially do so if you’re a prepubescent rich kid from a Fundamentalist Bible-thumping nuclear family.

http://www.midgetsrus.com – These guys are, quite possibly, more evil than us.

http://www.99thmind.com – A tight-knit collective of ever-collaborating artists, musicians, filmmakers and other eccentrics from our very own Boston, MA. Human immolation! Self-flagellating pony-rides! Fellini’s "How To Make Macaroni"! Really cute girls who embrace the Burlesque/Flapper scene!

http://www.oddtodd.com – What a sad, wonderful thing.

http://www.extrabad.com – Brian Frisk is God. Brian Frisk is God. Brian Frisk is God. Maybe if we say it enough it will come true.

http://www.muffinfilms.com – Yes, it’s a site featuring bunch of animated shorts assembled by a college student named Amy for her class portfolio; and they’re all about muffins. But trust us, it’s the best of that particular type of site that we’ve ever seen.

http://www.oldeenglish.org – Unadulterated zaniness from Bard College. The troupe include our pal Adam Janos (Jewmonkey/Fake Cory Blamire in episode 3 of Blurtz! OutLoud & Outspoken). We’s so durn proud!

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/DarkSigns/Blurtz.htm – Well of course we approve of OUR site, dummy! Boy-howdy, you’re a stupid asshole if you clicked on that without paying attention. Lop off the /Blurtz.htm part in your browser window or click this to visit Cory’s individual website. You’ll surely find him to be a charming individual with a heartwarming world view. Or your money back. What do you mean, "What money?"…? Oh right, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that we’d hacked your credit card…dammit. Now I have to kill you. With my mind! Zzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!!

http://www.eatabagofdicks.com – ‘nuff said.

http://www.louisck.com – Did you see Pootie Tang? No? Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it. Nobody did – except Blurtz! In theatres. Opening day. We’re the only good people. You inferior nothing-head!!! Now, go to Louis’ site and sign his guestbook or something, so he doesn’t cry. (he wrote Pootie Tang, by the way).

http://www.cctvcambridge.org – This is where we do all our stuff! Three cheers for brown-nosing! Hip hip hooray!!! (maybe they’ll start paying us now…)

http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com – Haha. Yeah. Don’t you dare click on this link and then try to act all shocked and offended.

http://www.midgets.com – Midgets.com ‘Pic of the day’. Only thing that keeps me going these days. First thing every morning, just to bolster and re-affirm my long-suffering idealism that the world is a good and decent and wholesome place, I take a nice little gander. You should too.

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The Legume Chamber (WCCR)

http://www.cctvcambridge.org Click on the "Webstream" button in the upper-right hand corner…then wait about ten seconds for the magic to begin!

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