Curtain Call

Nothingness

Prey

Disintegration

This Gift

A Thousand Miles

Safe

Secrets

Lost and Found

Seek

Sisters

Mother

Afraid

Eviction

 

His crooked smile said it best

but the words he spoke said it all,

"I just glanced in the mirror...

Things aren't going so good...

I'm looking California and feeling Minnesota."

Then he lit up a cigarette

taking a drag like there was no tomorrow.

I couldn't help but admire

the way he held it between his lips.

The look in his eyes told me more than

the words coming from his mouth.

Even the smoke that rose to form a halo around his head

of this unsuspecting saint

seemed to be sacred.

It was then I felt a kinship with him,

this stranger who had stumbled into my world

quite accidentally.

I didn't know him from Adam,

it was a "friend of a friend" kind of thing.

His soul had touched mine in a way I couldn't explain.

It was kinda creepy,

but nice, if you know what I mean.

We  find that we belong to the same “club”,

the one where admittance is exclusive

but for once you'd rather your name wasn’t on the list.

Inhabiting the same crazy fucked upside down world

where everyday people go about their lives,

while we, on the other hand,

can't help but be all tangled up in what we feel.

So when I hear him rambling on

in his gritty Marlboro man voice

"everyone seems either so perfect and perfectly delicious,

or so utterly repulsive to me at this very moment..."

I can't help but laugh at how much I understand.

Caged Bird

Captive…I look out at the world.
Is there not more to life than this?
Trapped in this place
I long to be free.
I beat my wings upon the bars.
No one sees, no one hears.
There is more to me than this mask I wear, day in, day out.
Don't you see my soul inside,
oh longing, aching, wretched soul?
Seeking perfection,
so deep the desire I could taste it
like a sweet slice of orange in my parched mouth.
Don't you see the loneliness in my eyes,
feel pressing upon my heart the hand of God?
Such torment...
my head explodes into a thousand pieces.
A thousand miles I must walk in my mind
on weary limbs that can no longer carry me...
Going forward in a life that is not mine.
Oh, set me free...
please let me go,
this caged bird that can no longer fly.

Curtain Call

Hesitant, I step on the stage
my life a play that I haven't memorized the lines to
I tiptoe around trying to avoid the spotlight
yet it catches me in places
I freeze in place, feeling on display
my face a mask I feel cracking underneath the perfect surface
I am so fragile inside
delicate in places you cannot see
I hear my bones groaning under the pressure
of the weight I carry around like a burden
holding down my old soul
but, the show must go on
and I play my part convincingly
waiting for the curtains to close upon that final show
when I can retire my weary self
and fade into the past

Nothingness

Another season
Come and gone
The scene outside my window 
changing again
The empty trees reaching out
Like my arms
Reaching out to emptiness
nothingness
All those years spent 
in pursuit of futile hopes
chasing a dream never realized
Giving, giving, 
The endless giving of myself
Until I my soul lay dead
Nothingness
Always running towards a finish line
In a race with no end
Seeking the happy ending in a fairy tale
That was really a horror story
So empty now
Insides turned outside for you
I drained every vein in my body
For my life’s blood 
to give to you
Nothingness
You left me 
a twisted pile of wreckage
Burning in the distance 
as you watched from afar
Oh such longing in my heart
Such pain I cannot bear
How my heart aches 
for sweet nothingness

Secrets

As I sit here beside you  
my mind is drawn to the window,
the world outside calling me.
It's grey sky 
and howling wind mirror my thoughts.  
I feel all dark and twisty,
my emotions inside me
like tangled wire hangers
or last year's Christmas lights.
I have so many secrets wound up inside
but I am too tired to care.
It would take too much effort
to untangle the mess.
So I leave it,  
willing it to go away.
But it doesn't
and I feel like I did as a feverish child
imagining my head was growing
bigger and bigger 
threatening to explode 
so all my secrets come tumbling out.
How I hate it  when you look at me that way,
when you say, "you know I love you"  
and try to hold me in your arms.
Oh, how I can hardly stand it then.  
The words almost come alive inside me,  
this roiling mass of emotions,   
these secrets that threaten to crawl right out of my mouth 
and throw themselves in your face.  
But I manage to compose myself
and sit here beside you,  
a ghost, an empty shell.

Lost and Found
 
I need to find
the “lost and found”.
Can you point me in the right direction?
Through years of diapers and PTA;
Laundry, football games, and play-dates
I seem to have lost
bits and pieces of me
along the way.
Has anyone seen my sanity?
It is nowhere to be found.
I swear I left it here yesterday
right next to the grocery list.
I’ve given up on ever finding
my waistline again.
I think it’s lost for good.
My mind has wandered off again.
It’s hard to keep track of it some days.
It usually returns…but just in case
Tell me again,
where is the “lost and found”?

Seek
 
Listening to the violin
As it plays upon my soul
I watch the cottonwood trees
Their branches dancing in the breeze
As their children float through the air
I try to find comfort in the warmth 
Of the sun on my face
In the songs of the birds
Ever seeking a salve for my angst
To soothe my angry soul
So old and captive for centuries
Like a monster hidden away from the world
Oh, sweet release I seek
In my surroundings 
and in the amber fire that slips past my lips
I search days on end
Lost and lonely girl
There is no rest.

Sisters

A gift for you 
I hold in my hands.
The love within
drips through my fingers
like the juice of ripe berries.
This gift for you
I give from my heart.
It’s essence woven
from the friendship of our lives
and the memories of our childhood.
It is a gift I give to you
that is also from you, dear sister.
A fragile bird
with wings of gold,
I find myself torn
between wanting to hold it in my hands,
admiring its beauty and delicacy,
and wanting to see the wonder of its flight
A gift for you, for us.
Come, delight along with me at its wonder!
And, though our pain and tears
have gone into its very being,
the blood-bond of our lives
are part of its core,
it is beautiful to behold.
Fragile yet strong,
the breath from its mouth
that sings of its glory,
so sweet to our ears the sound of its song,
the gift, dear sister, of us.

Mother

Mother, my mother
Who never bounced me on her knee
Instead who pushed me to the floor
Where I lay fallen 
like a dirty word you spit from your mouth
and the shame that follows when in anger you lash out.
  
Mother, my mother
She who never loved me
Who gave me life so unwillingly
Out of selfishness I was born
So she could crow, “see what I can do”.
Pushed me from her womb early
As if she couldn’t bear to have me there any longer.
  
Mother, my mother
Whose heart I heard beating from within
Drums of a distant, hostile tribe
Waiting to eat me alive.
You did not kiss my forehead, 
Nor hold me close when my nightmares threatened me
No comfort, no comfort
  
Mother, my mother
I hold no memories of the scent of your skin
No warm vanilla sweet kisses of childhood
Or of cuddling with you under blankets still warm from sleep
Instead it is your silence 
that somehow was never quiet
That haunts me
When you said “I hate you” in that voice that was never whole
Oh, how my young soul split in two then
And I tried to grow a new heart like a starfish that loses a limb
  
Mother, my mother
A word that should bring a smile to my face
Instead I choke on it like vomit rising in the back of my throat
You did not shelter me from the storms
Nor protect and hide me in your cloak
I stood alone, as hail bruised my heart
Like stones thrown by angry villagers
I was stoned to death inside
By your unwillingness to love, to teach me by example 
As now I am called “Mother”
And I am afraid, for what memories will I evoke?

Afraid

I am afraid
It is who I am
I have let it own me for so long
My fear has become me.
Gnawing on my heart, my very soul
Devouring me from the inside out
So that now I am an empty shell
Afraid to live
Afraid to love
Afraid to feel
Oh so afraid to be
For fear of fear Itself
Yet I have become It
It has claimed me
made me the very thing I fear…afraid

Eviction

I want to step right out of this skin
I am in.
Shed this person 
I no longer want to be.
Just drop her on the side of the street
along with the day’s trash.
But, she is so much a part of me
our fibers blended,
her soul intertwined
with mine.
This seething 
angry mess of a girl
who wears my skin 
and speaks with my voice.
She moves my limbs 
and controls my thoughts.
If only, 
if only I could get her to leave.
She is all that is wrong.
She is the root of my evil.
There when I awaken in the morning,
full of hate and rage.
She is the arms distance from my children,
the wall between my lover and myself.
Stubborn and unwilling,
hateful and hurting,
she holds onto the memories,
relives the pain, 
day after day after day,
never letting the wounds heal.
She keeps me silent in the back,
unable to step into the light.
This seething angry mess of a girl
who wears my skin 
and speaks with my voice,
I am serving you an eviction notice.
You are no longer welcome here.