First, assault Lindesfarne, pillage it and, just before burning, take 4-5 sprays of the finest elderflowers (or 10 grams of the dried ones) from the best tree in the monastery.

Second, at the height of the honey season fight your way to the Massif Central (burning Paris to distract your pursuers) and return with a kilogram of the finest clover honey.

Thirdly, sack Cordoba and bring back three of their finest lemons and 200 grams of dried sultanas.

Fourthly, visit an alchemist in Jerusalem (your local brew shop will do), extract a pinch of grape tannin from him, put him to the sword and burn Jerusalem to the ground so that none may divine the secret of this mighty brew.

Fifthly, pillage Milan and take the finest goblets available (it avails you nought to drink without good company)

Sixthly, sack Rome, have the nobles driven before you and select the finest five to be cupbearers. Of these 'blood-eagle' three in training to be an example to remaining two. Neuter the remaining two so they will not be a temptation to the women folk.

Seventhly, return home and have your serfs do the following:

a) trim the flowers, discarding the stems
b) boil the honey, 4 litres of water and macerated sultanas together for twenty minutes
c) put the flowers, chopped lemon rind (no pith) and pinch of tannin into a 4.5-litre demijohn
d) add the boiled liquid, top up with water
e) let it cool
f) add the lemon juice (nutrient and white wine yeast also)
g) let it ferment for six days
h) on the seventh day strain out the debris, top up with a little water
i) let it ferment out
j) bottle it and age it six months

Penultimately, pass the cup of wine to your taster (one of the two nobles) in case it's poisoned (for some reason this happens a lot). Scold the immaculately mannered cupbearer for his lack of Viking culture.

Finally, drink your elderflower hocke in good company and discuss the deplorable state of affairs in other countries.