Bruno was an errand boy for the local Mob boss, Danny "3 Chins" LaRusso.  He had aspirations of climbing the ranks of the Evans City Mafia, but was always held back because of an obnoxious slur, combined with a horrible stutter.  Naturally Bruno was regularly teased, and laughed at.  

     Bruno, considered an idiot by his fellow mobsters, who themselves were no Einsteins, always received the lowly assignments, such as collecting payoffs from the local elderly.  Well it was Wednesday, and time to head downtown to pick up from the Nursing Home.  Unfortunately for Bruno, this was to be his last errand.  When Bruno walked into the door of Heavenly Hills nursing home, he was bombarded by a sea of crutches, canes and dentures.  He revived a few hours later, and made his way to a local cemetery.

Leonard Wilson was a retired professor of gynecology at the local university, and now a caterer, with a specialty in cakes and pastries.  Unfortunately, while in his teens, Leonard was diagnosed with a severe case of narcolepsy.  He was a trooper though.  He not only made it through med school, he was the top of his class.  Unfortunately Leonard's career and reputation was shattered when he fell asleep during a routine pap smear.

Leonard then slipped into a decade of depression, filled with booze, drugs, and TV. dinners.  He needed something to fill the void, an activity to take his mind off of the darker things in life, and he turned to baking.  This hobby eventually led to his thriving catering business.  It was perfect.  He was the best baker in the region, and his narcolepsy wouldn't get in the way.  Irony dealt a cruel blow when one cool spring morning, Leonard fell asleep and drowned in a pile of flour.  Left undiscovered for days, he revived and made his way to the farmhouse.

Portrait of an inventor-

 Kyle (seen here in a photo from his lecture, Fire - Friend or Foe?) was always a dreamer.  Sadly, while working on his latest invention, the reverse-feed wood chipper (a machine that would actually throw the wood at the operator), he would learn the answer to the latter theory. 

 Upon turning on his creation, Kyle realized his machine was a success. The result, a totally foreseen tragedy (although unforeseen by him), he was barraged by the high velocity wood pulp, killing him instantly.

 Normally, this would be the end of this amateur grade Thomas Edison. But, due to a twist of fate (or perhaps a god with a firm sense of irony), Kyle would return to become the first  undead inventor.  His first posthumous creation, walking fast , was an instant success.  What will this latter day Da Vinci dream up next? Be it cooked flesh or the elusive Theory of Using Tools, the world will certainly be a better place for his advances.      (R.H.)

Greaser forever-

 Skip had a lust for the big city. As a boy he always knew he would leave his podunk town for better things, even if he did have a lazy eye. Now, as an adult, (even though the townfolk said, "That boy ain't right." or "There goes that lazy eyed bastard again") he worked in his uncle Ronny's auto shop, the aptly named Ronny's Auto Shop.

 But after hours was his chance to shine. He would put on his finest t-shirt, slick back his blond hair (he once heard old man Riley say it was purdey) and dance the night away. His humdrum life of oil changes and lube jobs melted away as he listened to the music.

 One night, after hard night's dancin' and a hard night's drinkin', a man walked up to him. He told Skip he could make a lot of money dancing, and he should go with him for an audition afterhours. He left with the old man, who smelled like one of those people at the train yard. They drove Skip's Mustang to Makeout Ridge for his "tryout". Either because of the alcohol or the lazy eye, Skip misjudged the distance to the edge of the ridge, sending the car hurling off the side.

 But Skip wasn't going to let death stop his dreams, he was gonna be a dancer!    (R.H.)

Rebirth of a Salesman-

 Roy (last known photo taken at an office Christmas party shortly before the infamous "Mistletoe incident") was a down on his luck Futon salesman for Futons, Hammocks & More®. Although he had never actually managed to make a sale, he had once been "this close to sealing the deal".

 After defaulting on his mortgage, things started to get worse. His wife, Eliza, left him for their 14 year old paperboy. Roy quickly went spiraling down a dark path of over the counter Cough Syrup and cheaply imported Mexican candy.

 Finally, having enough of this life, and having depleted his supply of Chupa Chups®, Roy decided to end it all. As he walked down the breakdown lane of the South 10th Street Bridge, he bemoaned his life, in hopes that his guardian angel would intervene. "Goodbye cruel world!" were his last words as he climbed the railing.

 Roy suddenly heard a voice from behind him. "You're supposed to say ya wish ya were never born, idiot! But, I'll tell ya anyway. If ya was never born, yer wife woulda bagged that paperboy a long ways back". Roy immediately jumped to his death.

 But the chilly waters of the Monongahela River would not hold his spirit for long. As he emerged from the depths, Roy had a revelation. He'd become a door to door salesman, the world's best! They'll all say that ol' Roy could sell a pack of rubbers to a eunuch! With new determination, he set forth toward an old farmhouse nearby.     (R.H.)

Timmy first joined the boy scouts when he was five.  He quickly climbed up the ladder, gaining a new badge nearly every weekend. His determination and focus made him the youngest eagle scout ever, at nine years old!  He was the scout of the year at 11, and even got to meet the president. 

Unfortunately things turned south for Timmy when his parents got divorced, and he turned to the pipe.  He spent the better part of the next two years in an opium den on Monroe street.  One night, the Evans City PD raided the den and hauled every downtown except for 14 year old Timmy, who was taken to his parents house.  His parents checked him in to rehab, and after a year, he was all better and back with the eagle scouts as a senior member.  Timmy was shot to death in a drive by shooting.  The papers said it was over unpaid opium debts.  He revived the next day from the county morgue, and made his way to the farmhouse.

Simon was a quiet 11th grade kid at Willard High. He was 19, held back two years, and to be honest, was a little slow. That is until he found his calling! Brazilian Ju Jitsu. He had a devastating "high low" move. He'd raise his hand high in the air, and if you went high, he went low, and vice versa. He was unstoppable! That is until his 2nd no holds barred match where he suffered a broken neck via a brutal reverse suplex. Once revived as a member of the living dead, he still had his basic skills intact. Unfortunately, slowed by the effects of rigor mortis, his reflexes were to slow, and he suffered his second death via the Posse.

For 4 seasons Hymie "The Hebrew Hurricane" Gunderman was the best 6th string quarterback Pittsburgh's Jewish Football League had ever seen. After winning the 4th straight draidle Bowl for the 6th Street Golems, however, his career came to an abrupt end. During a celebratory glass smashing, the champagne glass cut through his loafers, destroying his achilles tendon. 

After years of rehab, he found a new experimental procedure that could graft a baboon's tendon to his leg. The procedure was a success, Hymie would be able to run again! However, Hymie had neglected to mention his extreme allergy to penicillin. Hymie died that day, his last thought..." The Golems are playing tonight!".        (R.H.)