I don't know
how it is at your end, but in my little section of the universe
people are always sending me little jokes.
To bring a smile to someone's
face is a most magical thing and a few of the following made me
giggle so I hope to pass the magic on
and maybe you will giggle too.
If you enjoy these, and want me to send you some humor by email,
just let me know!
Not all jokes are "clean"
so take heed and -- Enjoy......
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced,
so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could
service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market
vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster
for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him
loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk.
"Randy", he said, "I'm
counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word,
he strutted into the hen house. Randy was as fast as he was
furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There
was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had
finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't
stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the
horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then
he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer,
watching all of this
with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll
kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the
farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his
long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing,
look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I
warned you, little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's
getting closer"
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient
Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost,"
said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one
condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon
you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK,"
said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted
to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the
meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and
went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer
and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to
keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn,
he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to
feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest." 'Well,
that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old
man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked
the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder
out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a
panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground
that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed
post."
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on
a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes
it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and
decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. She can't believe
that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman
and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind
of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me
crazy?" The woman replies, " I am sorry to have
disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I
sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly,
says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The
woman looks at him and says,
"Pepper."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What
are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly
replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to
have safe sex." "Oh I see." replied the boys
pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at
school." He looks over the display and picks up
a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!"
says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who
are these for?" "Those are for college men."
the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO
for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then
who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh,
the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March........"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop
some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my
hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them
here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really
freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here
between my legs and that will warm them up." He
does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes
out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he
returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really
freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying
out loud,...
don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?"
The leader of the nuns has a group meeting and says to all the
nuns "We had a man here last night".
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
The lead nun says, "I found a condom".
All the nuns go "o No!", and one of them goes "hehe".
Then the head nun goes" It had a hole in it".
All the nuns go " hehe", and one of them goes "o
No!"
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some
asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
Just as he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find
the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this
gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager ok'd
the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a
lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we
like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir." "Oh really?
Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The
boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up
there." "Really?" replied the manager,
"My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next
day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day. The doctor asked, "What happened, didn't I ask
you to bring me back a sperm sample? "The man
went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this - first I
tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried
her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she
tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.
"The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?
"The old man replied, "Yep , but no matter what we
tried we couldn't get the damned jar open."
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his
followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His
passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter
who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your
holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in
heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and
are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your
own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the
Father without prior appointment." "Is there
anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes,"
the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the
mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through
the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the
actual conversations between God and the prophets of old?
I would love to see what was actually said, without the
dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter
immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was
thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's
relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish
pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of
the Saints and Angels came running to the Pope's side to learn
the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing
to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and
over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!" "Look,
the word is celibrate, not celibate!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight,
but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up
to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
screwed your mom, and it was swee-e-et!" Again the guy
refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Then
minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
even let me----" Finally the guy interrupts.
"Go home, Dad --you're drunk!"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be
Jesus!"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to
play in the
water. Shortly thereafter, the boy
runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly
replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues
to play.
Several minutes
later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says,
"Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues
to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his
mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the
dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber
he got!"
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered
by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her
if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he
asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if
she used it, the answer was yes. Asked how she used it, she
said "to assist sexual intercourse." The researcher was
amazed. He said "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain or the gate hinge; but I know that most use
it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank,
could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put
it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work.
As they
approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden.
Their
curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until
finally one
of them can see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top, sees
Snowwhite
and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the
dwarf
who`s shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the
Prince."
This in
turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with
the
Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on)
until it has reached all the dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says: "They`re Kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re Kissing."
"They`re ......."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off her clothes."
"He`s taking off............"
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both nude now."
"They`re both........."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to enter her."
"He`s about to.........."
At this
point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and so she gets up
to
investigate.
The dwarf
at the top sees this and says: "She`s Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another on the opposite bank.
Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
down the river then
shouts back, "You are on the other side."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the
16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says,
"Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says
"I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the
golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he
was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf
game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one
into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how
he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask
how your golf game is?""
"It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did
that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time
I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life
is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is
floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small
parish."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for
a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red
and blue
light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle
hit 90, 100, 110. Then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I
doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him,
took his license without a word, and
examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking
steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and
this is my last
pullover. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me
an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can
go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a
reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said,
"and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.