Often we describe all the wonderful things the child has accomplished since arriving at school, but just as often we unload on parents every misdeed their child has done, large or small.

      This is not what parents want to hear.

      If you and I pass in the grocery store aisle and you say, "Hi! How are you?", you don't really want to hear a long list of my complaints. Indeed you expect me to say, "Fine! How are you?" This is a social convention - a greeting between two people.

      When parents walk into our classrooms at the end of the day, the social greeting they use is "Hi! How was his day?" They really aren't asking for a long, detailed description. They'd like a positive answer, and they'd like it to be short.

      Bad news is the last thing in the world they want to hear - especially from us! We are hired and paid to make sure that every child in our care has the best day possible.

      If their child is our star pupil, it's easy to find a short, positive answer: "Wait until you see the painting she did at the easel today." "His bean seed sprouted." Why can't we do the same for our "difficult" children?

      All day long we notice children's accomplishments, large and small. These are the things parents want to hear about. Truthful, positive comments are easy to find if we make a point of looking for and remembering the positive events of each child's day. These sunny remarks are a welcome alternative to the daily "dumping" of negative news.

      Remember to keep your response brief. There are many reasons for avoiding longer daily "chats" with parents. Like us, parents are tired after working all day. They still have many family responsibilities to face, and they are anxious to move on to these.

      Also, if we are standing at the door or the playground fence talking to a parent, who is interacting with the children? Who is supervising their safety? If our back is to the children, the parent we are talking with has a clear view of the chaos that erupts when children are not properly cared for.

      When we discuss a child while we are standing in the classroom, all of the other children and any other parents who arrive during this conversation hear what we say. We are engaging in unethical behavior. Children's and parents' privacy rights must be honored.

      So what should we do if we or the parents feel the need to share information with each other?

      Schedule a parent-teacher meeting at a time and place that ensures you will not be interrupted. The child being discussed should not be present. Before the meeting takes place, take time to think through what you need to discuss. Inform your director/principal that you and the parent will be meeting, and give the administrator a written list of what you will discuss.

      Make notes for yourself, too, to use at the meeting.

      Begin every conference with one or more positive comments about the child. Parents want to hear the best, and they are more likely to listen if they feel we like and care about their child.

      State concerns objectively. Instead of saying "Joey is inconsiderate of others" (a conclusion you've arrived at), tell parents the behaviors you've observed. "On the playground Joey pushes smaller children out of the swing and then gets in it. During circle time he pulls items off the shelves and bangs them together making so much noise the other children and I can't hear each other. At lunch time he eats food off of other children's plates, and in art he paints on other children's papers." This gives parents an accurate picture of Joey's behavior and allows them to draw their own conclusions.

      Looking at the behaviors objectively helps you and the parents pinpoint possible causes and solutions.

      During the meeting, make notes of what you and the parent discuss and of how you decide to work on each problem together. After you both sign and date the informal document, make a copy for the parent, one for yourself and another for the director/principal. Begin the next conference by reviewing this document so that together you can measure the child's progress.

      Always observe strict confidentiality regarding children and families. Never talk with parents about other parents or about other people's children. It isn't ethical. Unfortunately, many teachers learn this lesson the hard way - when the family that was talked about comes to school to complain to the teacher or the administrator.

      End every conference with a positive comment about the child and a supportive comment about the parent. Let parents know that you understand the challenges of their role, and point out something that they are doing right - like attending the conference.

      Remember that parents and teachers are partners in educating children and preparing them to live as independent adults. Good communication is the key to our success.

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