Essay Analysis

by Jim Cannon

Essay reviewed: "My room is so very kickass" by Charlie Peters

Charlie,

I will begin my analysis of your essay with a brief commentary, hoping to help you understand my perspective of the analysis assignment. I perceive the analysis assignment as an opportunity for us (the students) to make discoveries about our writing skills. For example, and perhaps the most important element, is to learn whether we have achieved the goal of "effective persuasion." I read my work and ask myself the question, "Have I presented my story in a manner such that a person, who after reading my article, will agree that my position (my thesis statement) is valid." To assist the reader in helping me achieve my goal, I attempt to offer emotional and/or factual parallels that the (average) reader can relate to.

To put what I said above in simpler terms, I want the reader to react to my writing with a reply of something other than "Yeah, so what!" I want the reader to be thinking "I agree," or "I'm convinced."

Some people accomplish the goal of persuasion satisfactorily, but the reader becomes distracted with the writer's style. My attention is easily distracted by sentences and phrases beginning with the words "it," "there," and "these." Another distraction is the overuse of pronouns, particularly the word "it." I know that habits can be difficult to change, and I, too, have to consistently focus on avoiding pitfalls. I find proofreading aloud to be an effective tool for discovering errors, or asking whether another expression may be better.

I have to tell you that I read each essay, first searching for the thesis statement, and asking whether the reading satisfies the argument. I concluded that your statement must be, "Size doesn't matter." (A little humor!)

Moving on, I want to begin a critical analysis and offer suggestions. I'll begin by telling you I read your essay two times before beginning my evaluation. After reading the essay each time, I had the same two comments: "I wish I was young and carefree again," and "Enjoy the freedom to design your domain while you can, because your control may not last forever."

I promised to get serious and I will now. I enjoyed reading your essay, perhaps because of the nostalgic appeal. I remember a time in my life when my bedroom was a special place for me to express "me." You've described your room as an extension of your character. You've begun to share the personal gratification that your lights, posters, and music provide you, and you should "stretch out" further; doing so would add impact to your essay. I'll give you some examples.

The last sentence of paragraph two would be much stronger written as follows: "The color of clothes sometime change drastically; white-colored clothes suddenly become a purple glow!"

The end of paragraph three is aching for a touch of humorous mental imagery. Tell us why a harsh, bright white bulb is so bad.

In paragraph four, you described the symbolic appeal of your choice of wall covering; why is a picture of your favorite car missing? Is it because the women won?

In closing I want to suggest, as I did earlier, that if you read aloud each sentence that begins with a pronoun, telling yourself that you MUST re-write the sentence without the pronoun, you will find another way and the result will be a clearer sentence. Thanks for opening your door for us!

My room is so very kickass

by Charlie Peters

description

Over the years I have bought and collected all sorts of silly items to decorate my room. There are posters as tall as you stand, several black lights, and a bumping stereo that all give my room its unique style. Although my room is very small, it easily holds all the stuff I need to relax and feel right at home.

At night, a total of twelve feet of black light tubing engulfs my room with light. This light includes a tinge of orange which is emitted by one of the black lights. This light is a four foot, double tube fixture which I painted fluorescent orange. The light from the two tubes hits the orange coloring, giving a slight orange tone to everything in the room. The other black light has an all black fixture and measures four feet. Because this particular fixture is black, it emits no light other than the black light that the tube produces. There are several items in my room which are black light sensitive. From posters to shotgun skeet clay pigeons, my room has many highlights of glowing items. The black lights add a lot of character to the room in that whoever enters the room, suddenly changes color. Clothes go from white to light purple, and the color of clothes sometimes changes completely.

Other lighting effects are also used to help give the room a fun and party like environment. A small light covered in red plastic wrap is placed in a corner of the room. This light is bright enough only to light just that corner, hence it does not impede on the already acquired orange tinge. A light blue lava lamp which is constantly on day and night, is placed near my bed. It is the only light that remains on while I sleep. Because it serves as the nightlight, I can wake up to a soft blue glow rather than having to turn on a much harsher normal white bulb lamp.

A small variety of posters that represent my interests fill every wall. The majority of the posters consist of scantily clad sexy women. These pictures were collected over time from magazines, and some were given to me by friends. One can tell what type of music I listen to by looking at the posters on my walls. Such artists as Kirt Cobain from Nirvana, the whole crew from Metallica, and an almost life size picture of Billy Joe from Green Day, all give the room a nice touch of style. You can see a few pictures of cars on the walls. Although my favorite car is not shown, several cars that I find appealing are displayed.

I must mention my stereo. This AIWA three disk CD player is capable of producing 100watts of sound. This powerhouse is channeled to four separate speakers, all providing perfect surround sound. The two main speakers each consist of an eight inch speaker, and two other internal tweeters. The other two speakers are four inches in diameter, and provide a nice midrange of sound. The system sounds great at volume. Yet I rarely use it to anywhere near its potential.

My room is my haven. Everything I could need and want to have fun in everyday life is in it. Many have complimented me for my lighting effects, and for my choice of posters. I await the day when I move into my new house. There, my room will be more than twice as large as it is now. Who knows what I'll do then...

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Questions? Brian McKinney (bmckinne@home.com)