Don't shoot the messenger

by Jim Cannon

comparison-contrast

It's likely that every man has heard a female say, "I remember a time when we used to have fun," or "Why can't we have fun like we used to," or something similar. These expressions appear straightforward, but beware: the relationship between the male and female involved may affect the message received, and, ultimately, the response. Men don't listen to their wives the same as men listen to other females.

Let's start by examining the expressions previously mentioned, and then explore some possible causes for these differences. The conclusions are drawn from feedback from males and females, personal observation, and largely from personal experience.

For the sake of this discussion, I'd like to consider the two expressions in the opening paragraph to be synonymous. I have found that the males' focus changes based on the messenger. When a wife delivers this message to her husband, the husband perceives the message to be an indirect signal that he is the cause for his wife's unhappiness. Thus, the husband's focus is on himself, and he considers the message to be an assault. A defensive response is predictable.

When another female, not a wife, delivers the same message to a man, he is likely to focus on something different than he does when the messenger is his wife. One example is to search for the messenger's definition of "fun" as it relates to the specific statement. An objective response such as this offers both parties the opportunity to search for ways to find "fun," without the need for defensiveness.

I've described two possible reactions to the same expression when the relationship between the male recipient and the female messenger is different. Now I'd like to explore some ideas on what may contribute to these different reactions.

In the first example, the husband perceives the statement as an attack-he feels as the one being blamed. Remember that although marriage is a union of two people and supposedly implies equality, there are times when positioning becomes necessary. The defensive nature takes hold. A spontaneous response such as, "I haven't done anything!" may result. Perhaps the husband has done nothing to create "fun," and that needs to be addressed. The attention to the solution would be well-spent energy, instead of spending negative energy on defending one's position.

In the second example, the male perceives the message as an invitation to restore something that has been lost. He acknowledges it as an amiable approach, and feels motivated to work toward a resolution. A response such as, "Let's figure out how we can fix that!" may come naturally. This type of response is a clear indication that problem solving is about to begin. Positive energy is flowing.

One question might be, "Why is the reaction to a wife's message negative, while the reaction to another female's (this applies to girlfriend's also) message is positive. I will offer an opinion to that question. The majority of men want to maintain a positive relationship with females in general. Therefore, their subconscious mind is prepared to accept verbal input from non-spouse females with a positive thought, and subsequently react with a positive view. The motivation behind this behavior will vary based on the role of those involved. An example of this is the male who will do anything to keep his girlfriend happy.

The husband, on the other hand, has already completed the thrill of the chase and may have become complacent. The expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" could apply. The husband is thinking that everything is good, and nothing needs fixing. Suddenly, the wife is saying that something needs to be fixed. Conflict looms.

Is this a role-based phenomenon that must remain unchanged? Does a man have the ability to control his behavior in a situation such I've discussed here? I believe that a man's ability to listen and hear a woman's message objectively is entirely within the man's control, but not without a conscious effort from both men and women. Women should be sensitive to the strong probability that many men are "listening challenged." Men need to listen to wives as though the wives were girlfriends.

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Questions? Brian McKinney (bmckinne@home.com)