Painful purchase

by Jim Cannon

The vision of many newlyweds is to share the "American dream" of owning a home. Many people are able to eventually "live" their dream, with some people enjoying the benefits sooner than other people. Some people are fortunate and receive assistance from their family, and other people are not so fortunate. Some people have to make sacrifices to achieve their goal; sometime the sacrifice can be much greater than merely controlling expenses, and even cause a couple to question whether the gain will offset the pain.

Most couples will agree that the first house they purchase causes some of the greatest stress they will face during their lifetime together. Different factors will affect the level of stress. For example, income will be one of the major determining factors in choosing a new home. If the couple has (or will have) children, the quality of public schools will also be a prime consideration. Some people will have a deadline to include in their plan.

If you are not one of the fortunate couples who have successfully purchased your first home and want to test your stress threshold as I did, I am going to describe a process to test your diplomatic abilities. If you pass a similar test, the value of "sacrifice" will have a special meaning for you.

Begin by telling your spouse you have something exciting to discuss; you have discovered a way to save money for the purchase of your first home. Your spouse will be so overcome by the vision that he/she will beg you to continue your story. The challenge is about to begin! Tell your spouse that sharing a home with either you or your spouse's parents for a few months is your ticket to home ownership. Expect resistance and be prepared with a list of pros and cons. Be sure to emphasize that the pros outweigh the cons; you can sell the concept.

Once you have an ally, the next step is to confront the parents (or in-laws) and explain your plan. (In my case, I approached my in-laws.) During your presentation to the in-laws, it's important to emphasize the value a "yes vote" provides. For example, a wife's parents want to know that the son-in-law is considering their daughter's future success. A plea for support is even more compelling when you have children! Explain that you both know the living arrangement may become crowded, and you want to make conditions as comfortable as possible. Offer to pay a portion, or all, of the costs of monthly utilities and mortgage. Emphasize that you want to stop throwing money away each month by paying rental fees. This step in the process is difficult, but with good advance planning and careful presentation you are likely to gain approval.

Congratulations! You have negotiated successfully with your in-laws, your spouse is pleased with your strategic planning and presentation, and you have crossed one of the major hurdles toward "living the dream." You are about to live a dream, but it may be a nightmare!

Today's growing families do not always conform to a standard schedule; your in-laws may not be aware that many young families adjust to the needs of each family member on a daily basis. Be prepared to have meals, particularly dinner, served at the same time each day. If you challenge the routine that is defined for you, expect to be told how important routines are for children. If you are accustomed to having coffee and toast before rushing to work each day, you may be told that you need to allow time for a good breakfast; in my case, my wife was told that she needed to get up earlier and cook breakfast for me. Suddenly, living with your in-laws is not rosy.

Do you remember how you felt when you were eighteen, and you wished your parents realized that you were a responsible adult, capable of making decisions and accepting consequences? If the memory has faded, the feeling will return the first time you are told that you should not stay out late on a "work night." The urge to question your survival ability without direct supervision will be difficult to control, but you must not reveal your frustration.

As I mentioned earlier, if you have children in a setting with multiple families sharing a common residence, expect additional problems. Your in-laws will scrutinize your parenting skills; expect to be told that punishment you apply is too harsh, and leniency is applied when punishment is appropriate. Do not become passive! Try to see things through the eyes of your parents (or in-laws); they are merely suggesting that you discipline your children the same way you were disciplined-look how well-disciplined you turned out-and wish for your children to become good, disciplined adults one day, too.

As each Saturday gets near, and you are anxious to continue "house shopping," don't be surprised if you are told to take your time looking for a house. You may even be told that you should designate an occasional Saturday to relax. Again, your urge to respond aggressively will tempt you; don't do it! Instead, tell your in-laws how much you appreciate the suggestion and that looking at houses is "relaxing" for both you and your spouse.

Every couple has arguments periodically. Can you think of any better mediator than your mother-in-law (or mother)? I never asked for a mediator! I recognize the efforts are well intended, but the "assistance" is likely to exacerbate the original problem; you may even forget the cause of the original problem and shift your focus to the interference of your mother-in-law (or mother). Expect this to occur, recognize when it occurs, and try to remain calm.

Most couples engage in intimate activity on a regular basis. Why should anything change? Intimate activity has many attributes, and the location of the activity can lend to added excitement; a knock on the bedroom door, asking if there is a problem, can be devastating! You have survived the many temptations to share your candid thoughts in other tense situations, and you now begin to wonder if perhaps your mother-in-law (or mother) is trying to teach you a true lesson in "sacrificing." Tell the person at the door that you both are doing exercises to reduce stress.

Continue to search for a home. Be flexible regarding your needs and desires. Don't make a hasty decision. Increase your "shopping frequency" to include Saturday and Sunday. Find a house that "works."

If you have progressed past all of the obstacles I've described, and additional challenges not mentioned, the day you move into your new home feels like "the first day of the rest of your life."

My family and I lived with my wife's parents for eleven months while we looked for a home. During the last thirteen years since we lived with my wife's parents, we have all had many laughs while reminiscing. I discovered that visiting in-laws is enjoyable; living with in-laws is a painful test of diplomatic ability.

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Questions? Brian McKinney (bmckinne@home.com)