Friendly gossip, no such thing

by Lisa Pereira

cause and effect
classification
research

"Can you keep a secret?" Becky asked me in a hushed tone. We were in my living room. Last I checked, my walls don't have ears. I had no idea why she was speaking so quietly.

"Why? What is it?" I was wise to this type of chit-chat. She wanted to tell me a piece of gossip that she wasn't supposed to reveal. Her betrayal was quickly becoming my problem.

Before I could respond negatively, she burst out, "Jennifer is pregnant!. She just found out and told me, but asked me not to tell anyone. You won't tell, will you?" She continued, "Just act surprised when she tells you."

"Okay," I managed halfheartedly. How unfair. Now I knew something I shouldn't; even worse, I had to "pretend" to be clueless. Becky hadn't even given me a chance to say, "No, I don't want to know." I honestly didn't want to know. I had been in similar situations before and gotten burned. I lost a dear friend because of revealed secrets and gossip. Curiosity doesn't even get the best of me anymore.

Now the games begin, I thought. Should I betray Becky or Jennifer? History repeats itself and I knew nothing but distrust would come of this conversation. Unfortunately, there is truly no such thing as "friendly gossip." At that moment, I knew that I couldn't trust Becky. Had she been revealing all the confidences that I shared with her in the past? She had always been a close friend. She was also that friend from whom I always learned the latest scoop on everyone. I started thinking of the countless secrets that I told her over the four years we knew each other. Many of those conversations became public. I hadn't thought she was the person who told. I hadn't considered that someone who claimed to be a dear friend would divulge my feelings. I heard an abundance of gossip from her lips. Not until she sat in my living room whispering about Jennifer had I considered she was a blabbermouth.

I had told Becky when I discovered I was pregnant. She was ecstatic. I hadn't told anyone else. A few days later, everyone was congratulating me. I was hurt. I wanted to impart my wonderful news. I was deprived of the experience. Despite my hurt feelings, I didn't want to confront her. I didn't tell her that I suspected that she blabbed. The incident blew over. We remained friends; however, I became more close-lipped with Becky.

Only women seem to participate in this petty game of friendly gossip. There are three kinds of friendly gossip. First, the "please-don't-tell-anyone-the-secret-I'm-not-supposed-to-tell" gossip. "Please-don't-tell" gossip enables the blabbermouth to be the first to broadcast interesting good news or bad news. Women who reveal secrets feel a need to let everyone know they know something you don't know. As children, you learn the importance of being a confidante. Being immature, children often run around the playground saying, "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!" Adults play the same game in a more "sophisticated" manner. "Please-don't-tell" gossip is a means to an end. The person telling doesn't necessarily care if the listener knows the news; more importantly, she wants the listener to know that she knew first. Playing the "I know something you don't know" game breeds curiosity. Curiosity is the desired emotion the gossip expects. She has won the game.

The second kind of friendly gossip is the "It's For Her Own Good" gossip. "Own Good" gossip is camouflaged gossip. This type of gossip takes on the disguise of charity. For example, "I know that I shouldn't be saying this about Lisa, but it's true. She isn't a good mother. As a group, we should exemplify how good mothers act. Hopefully, she will catch on." The gossips then continue to talk about the terrible mother that Lisa is. They, on the other hand, are fabulous mother role models. "Own Good" gossip isn't really helpful to the victim. Instead, this gossip has a divine mission. The mission of "Own Good" gossip is only for an opportunity to say, "Can you believe her?" or "Did you see what she did?" Many women feel inferior. They look for ways to build themselves up. These women put other women down to build themselves up.

The third kind of gossip is the "I feel Hurt Gossip." "Feel Hurt" gossip gives the slanderer the opportunity to rationalize her gossip because of hurt feelings. Justifying your reason for gossip makes gossip okay. When someone hurts your feelings, you feel a need to let everyone know how rotten you feel. You want to place the blame on the person who hurt you. You want everyone to know how dreadful that person is. A victim of hurt feelings never seems to take responsibility for reacting. Instead, the "hurter" is responsible for the "hurtee's" feelings. "Feel Hurt" gossip is almost always directed toward a close friend. Unfortunately, the closer you are to someone, the more vulnerable you are. Feelings become tender between dear friends. This type of gossip is the most damaging. Close friendships break up over "Feel Hurt" gossip.

"I'm sorry." "I was wrong." "I shouldn't have." "Please forgive me." These terms are underused. They are terms that save friendships. Admitting that you were a rotten friend puts you at a disadvantage. Unfortunately, these terms are replaced by, "I know something you don't know." "I just have to say this." "I feel hurt." "I feel justified in my opinion." No one really intends to sacrifice friendship over these words. Women have a need to vent. They want to be heard. Human beings need to be patted on the back. If humans don't get enough positive reinforcement, they settle for negative reinforcement. Whether a person is positively reinforced or negatively reinforced doesn't matter. Reinforcement increases the likelihood of the behavior. (Coon 277-290) Therefore, gossip continues. Losing a friend over gossip just becomes another subject to gossip about.

"Please don't tell," "Own Good," and "Feel Hurt" gossips are considered friendly gossip by those participating. Friendly gossip doesn't take the form of slander, vicious rumor, or deceit. Because friendly gossip cannot be defined as malicious, people feel that gossiping is justifiable. Gossip is hurtful and mean, no matter what form it takes. Friendly gossip does not exist. Microsoft Word's thesaurus gives the following words as synonyms for the word "gossip:" rumor, hearsay, scandal, chatter, news, slander, calumny, defamation, injury, tattle, and snoop. These words are not friendly. Therefore, gossip isn't friendly, either. Gossip cannot be camouflaged in an amicable disguise. Gossip breeds more gossip; it's a vicious cycle.

Unfortunately, my experience with Becky was not my first experience with friendly gossip, nor was this experience my last. I must admit that I had even fallen prey to Becky's role. I have been the one who betrayed a confidence. Fortunately for me, I was caught. Being found out cost me a dear friend and taught me a hard lesson. I felt true remorse. I no longer have a desire to be a slanderer. I don't even like to participate.

Gossiping, backbiting, and betrayal are sure ways to lose friends. Becky and I have not been the same friends since that momentous day in my living room. I decided to be true to Jennifer who had never betrayed my trust. I didn't pretend to be clueless when Jennifer made public her great news.

"I'm pregnant," she said excitedly.

"I know. I heard. Congratulations!" Jennifer's face fell and we silently shared a moment of truth. Becky and Jennifer don't seem to be close anymore, either. As a matter of fact, I don't think Becky is close to anyone except that new girl who moved next door.

References

Microsoft Word Thesaurus

Coon, Dennis. Introduction to Psychology: Exploration and Application. Eighth edition. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, 1998.