Hillary's retirement plan

by Jim Renton

research
cause and effect

A retiree states in the newsletter of the American Association of Retired
People (AARP) that "there are two types of retirees: those who are wealthy
and those who barely make ends meet." Preventative measures will eliminate
the financial problems that the children of today would otherwise face in
their own retirement years. The preventative measure is to arm them with
the financial knowledge, discipline and encouragement to plan. Contributing
to a Roth IRA at a young age and wisely investing that retirement money
would ensure a financially secure retirement. Many Americans believe they
lack any disposable income to contribute to a Roth IRA. However, if they
examined their expenditures for a month and then planned their spending,
there will be adequate money to fund a Roth IRA.

Let's examine the spending of Hillary Kevorkian Bobbit, a nineteen year old
college student who rarely makes large purchases, and considers herself
poor. Five days a week, she buys breakfast at Starbucks where she spends $4
for a grande mocha late and muffin. Three times a week, she and her
boyfriend stop by the 7-11 near campus and share a 96-ounce slurpee along
with a bag of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. Her boyfriend, Kenny
Starr, enjoys mooching off of others. So, Hillary, acting as trustee for
the bottomless checking account, spends $7.50 a week for both to snack at
7-11. By midnight every Tuesday, she must submit an essay to Mr. Billy
Gates, her English instructor. Since much energy is required to write a
political compare-contrast essay comparing the extra-marital affair of
President William Jefferson Clinton to the six year extra-marital affair (or
as some day "youthful indiscretions") of Representative Henry Hyde, Hillary
runs to the cafeteria after her four o'clock woman's psychology class, where
she buys a piece of high-calorie, low protein, junk food for $2. Three
times a week, Hillary grabs dinner at Togo's or Una Mas instead of eating
dinner at home with her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Hyde and beautiful half-sister
Monica Linda Tripp-Hyde. Dinner out costs her $16 a week.

Calculating these "minor" expenditures reveals exactly how much money
Hillary is literally throwing into the wastebasket. Her weekly runs to
Starbucks are costing twenty dollars a week, $390 a year. Breaks at
7-11with Kenny Starr cost $390 a year, meaning that snacks for a year are
less expensive than his Father's Grand Jury Indictments. The snacks after
psychology class total $36. Dinner out costs $832 a year. Hillary spends an
aggregate of about $2,300 on food and beverages each year. Hillary could
cut her dining expenses to $300 by eating breakfast and dinner at home,
providing her own snacks, dumping her free-loader boyfriend and buying soda
and muffins in bulk. This leaves $2,000 a year to fund the Roth IRA. If
Hillary contributed $2,000 a year to a Roth IRA, until she's twenty-nine and
earned an average annual return of 12%, she would have an inflation adjusted
$1,005,348 at age sixty. So Hillary will be wealthy after putting just
$20,000 into a Roth IRA over ten years. By making all her Roth IRA
contributions before age thirty, she wouldn't have to save for retirement
while trying to put half-son Brian Hyde-Bobbit through college at Harvard.

From examining her spending patterns, Hillary is able to find how she spends
her money and can then determine how the capital may be most effectively
allocated. By using self-control and continued prudence, Hillary would be a
millionaire and would not have to rely on a White House pension or a
National Inquirer interview to provide for her posh retirement.

Online guides for writers:

Purdue's resources for writers
Capital Community-Technical College's guide to grammar and writing
Common errors in English (and non-errors to which some English teachers object)