The ultra-rapid way to flunk out of Online 122

by Jim Renton

process

Many of the fifty-four students in Mr. McKinney's Online English 122 course
enrolled because they want to know more about English. Others may have
enrolled because the course is required for transfer and they often are not
interested in the class. For the latter type of student, I recommend
failing the course early on to ensure that a minimal amount of time is spent
in English. Flunking out of McKinney's Online English 122 course is a
multi-step process involving gross misconduct rather than failure to work.

Start the class on the wrong track by missing half of the first meeting.
Once you arrive, begin smoking in the computer lab. When Mr. McKinney makes
you put out the cigar, explain that the cigar is historic because the chief
executive used it in the Oval Office with Miss Lewinsky. Now that you have
gotten off to a sour start with the person who will pass or fail you, send
Mr. McKinney journal one. In no less than 150 words, declare the stupidity
of the entire Student Services Committee for declaring the twenty foot
smoking rule around classrooms. When Mr. McKinney e-mails you back to okay
journal one and mentions that he served on the Student Services Committee,
fire back an e-mail. Explain your feelings and be concise. A brief and
unedited F*** YOU, BRIAN will do the job.

Now that you have offended the almighty teacher, it is time to be an equal
opportunity offender. To achieve the equal opportunity offender status, you
must also offend your classmates. Begin by sending the class an e-mail
message which is both sexually explicit and offensive. Now, use e-groups to
get even with your teacher for his part in curbing your smoking on campus.
Download a picture of a male stripper and scan onto it a picture of
McKinney's head from the DVC Spring course catalog. Send this picture to
e-groups with a carbon copy to both the Dean of Students and to the Editor
of the DVC Inquirer.

Wow, you have been quite a busy beaver today sending off all of these
e-mails. Therefore you should not push yourself any further. But since
your first assignment is due tomorrow, head straight to the jungle page
(http://www.junglepage.com), previously known as writemyessay.com. Use
caution on this web site. Refrain from clicking on the icon for pre-written
essays, as another dear classmate might submit the same essay. From past
experiences, you would prefer to avoid arguing to the teacher that an
unscrupulous student cyber-robbed your computer to steal only your
thoroughly written essay which you spent all night writing by your dying
grandmother's bedside. So, play it safe and order a custom essay on the
right to smoke. To demonstrate your massive intellect, select Ph.D. level
as the caliber of essay you desire. After paying the ten dollar a page fee
on your United Airlines First Card Visa, you receive your hard earned essay
via e-mail. Since you paid $70, you feel there is no need to check the
essay and you write in your name, assignment 1.3 and the function of the
paper. Then you forward it onto McKinney. You're in business.

After ordering the keg for tonight's party, you check your e-mail account
and find a surprisingly high number of new messages. The first message is
from your close friend, Mr. McKinney. In the e-mail he returns the essay.
He comments that smoking should be banned and that you are out of the class
for plagiarism, citing a page number on his class syllabus. As you sit in
awe wondering if this junglepage thing is some kind of high-tech sting
operation, you scroll through your essay to see the invoice from junglepage.
Seventy dollars, including tax accompanied with one of those hogwash thank
you for shopping at junglepage comments.

Congratulations, you have finally made it out of an English class. Besides
earning seventy frequent flyer miles on your affinity credit card, you now
have an extra nine hours a week in your schedule. Most importantly, you got
out of Online 122 prior to the "W" deadline, meaning your youthful
indiscretions, as Representative Henry Hyde (R- Illinois) might refer to
your actions, will never appear on your official DVC transcript. While this
is a temporary relief for you, it is not a tremendous gain, as you will
probably be creating fraudulent transcripts by the time you are prepared to
apply to a four-year school.

Return to English 122 syllabus
Return to English 122 main page
Questions? Brian McKinney (bmckinne@home.com)