Prologue | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Chapter One: Bear Market or Bare Market?

It is October 29th, and the Marlboro Hammerheads have just clinched the Benes Division title. For the first time ever, the Salem Cowtippers have failed to win their division, and will be watching the BDBL playoffs from the sidelines. There is a chill in the air that has nothing to do with the fast-approaching New England winter. In the Salem Cowtippers front office, GM Mike Glander stares fixedly at the charts and graphs on the wall. These charts have always been here, since before the birth of the Salem franchise. They have been written, torn down and written again, and Glander can see the vast array of stats, salaries, and contract statuses listed on these charts with his eyes closed. He knows this information inside and out. Today, Glander stares at these charts with a new sense of purpose and determination. Today marks the official beginning of the off-season.

"We need a shortstop," grumbles Glander's front office assistant, Rick Reuschel. Reuschel and Glander have been inseparable since the day they met back in 1987. Reuschel is the Don Zimmer to Glander's Joe Torre.

"We've always needed a shortstop," snarls Glander. "We'll do what we always do: put a glove man out there and wait for the kids to arrive."

The "kids" are Japanese sensation Kazuo Matsui and Salem's top prospect, B.J. Upton. Matsui is just weeks away from signing a Major League contract, and before the ink dries on that contract, he will already be one of the top five shortstops in the Major Leagues. Upton advanced so rapidly his first year as a professional, he surprised everyone in the game, including the Salem front office. The Cowtippers nearly made the mistake of trading Upton a number of times last year, but fortunately, each one of those deals was foolishly rejected by GM's too myopic to see the benefit of having a minimum-wage Derek Jeter (who can actually play defense) playing up the middle for years to come.

"We need a catcher," Reuschel adds.

"We've always needed a catcher," Glander replies. The Cowtippers have featured a different starting catcher on Opening Day every year of the franchise's existence. Ben Davis was supposed to be this franchise’s "catcher of the future", but he failed miserably. Today's "catcher of the future" in Salem, Jeff Clement, is still just a sophomore in college. It may be four years before he arrives on the scene. "The problem is, there’s no one out there."

Glander and Reuschel turn their attention to another giant grid, which lists key free agents along with players that might be available through trade. Again, before Glander even looks at this board, he knows what is written on it. He's studied this board countless times before. Yet every time he studies it, he expects some name to jump out at him that he hadn’t noticed before.

He knows that only one catcher, Mike Lieberthal, is as an attractive option among all the free agents. Glander estimates Lieberthal will cost around $6 or $7 million - too rich for a one-year rental with a bum arm and a questionable bat. Among the players that might be available via trade, Ivan Rodriguez of the Madison Fighting Mimes is clearly at the top of the list. After a high-profile MLB post-season, however, Rodriguez's trade value has probably never been higher. He won't come cheap if he is available at all. Yet Glander knows that there is a new ownership in Madison, and given Rodriguez's over-inflated $10.5 million salary, that new owner might be looking to clear up some salary cap space for the upcoming free agent auction.

"Let's give Skizm a call," Glander barks at his secretary, who leaps into action at his command. “Let’s stick our finger in the air and see which way the wind’s blowing.”

"Brian!," bellows Glander, once the call is patched through to his office. "Who's the best looking GM in the BDBL? Well, you're new here. You'll figure it out eventually. Listen, Skizm, I'm wondering if you've given any thought to moving Ivan Rodriguez. He's a bit on the pricey side, but I'm in desperate need of a catcher."

A long pause is followed by the slowly-shaking head of Glander. Rodriguez's name is erased from the big board. I-Rod will not be moved - at least, not at this time.

"You know what our problem is?,” Reuschel asks later, between bites of a Big Mac. “We’ve got no trade bait.”

"We've got trade bait," counters Glander, munching on a double cheeseburger with extra pickels. "The problem is, we don't want to part with any of it."

Glander refers to the almost embarrassing collection of talent in the overflowing Salem farm system. Since Day One of the Big Daddy Baseball League's existence, it has been Glander's dream to build a team filled with bargain-basement- priced all-stars, hand-picked and developed through the farm system. Glander's vision for the future includes an infield of Mark Teixeira, Kazuo Matsui, B.J. Upton and Sean Burroughs, an outfield of Austin Kearns, Jeremy Reed and Lance Berkman, and a pitching staff headed by Rich Harden, Cliff Lee, Edwin Jackson and Joel Hanrahan. After years of hard work, Glander’s dream is on the verge of becoming a reality. In only a couple of years, the Cowtippers could potentially field such a team for about $13 million in total, freeing up over $50 million to spend on free agents. The Salem Cowtippers would become, in essence, the New York Yankees of the BDBL, operating on a budget that is effectively ten times that of any other team in the league.

Glander signals for his secretary once again, and begins dictating a memo to be posted on the league forum. This is a highly unusual road taken by Glander. In general, it is the policy of the Salem Cowtippers franchise to avoid posting "for sale" notices on the league forum, as they only seem to invite ridicule and never seem to generate any honest leads. But Glander is anxious to throw some bloody chum into the waters and see if there are any sharks in the area.

The memo is short and sweet, merely listing the names of seventeen players the Cowtippers would be willing to trade. No statistics, no hype; just names. As expected, ridicule of the list begins within hours. A window of opportunity opens when Mike Stein, GM of the Cleveland Rocks, mockingly asks, "Who are those guys?" Glander seizes the opportunity to release another memo containing a short scouting report for each and every player on the list.

"It never hurts to throw out some facts about your players," explains Glander, "because a lot of teams don't follow our guys as closely as we do.  You'd be surprised how many GM's really don't know who some of these players are.  Of course, whenever you post any information on your players, you have to make sure you've got your facts straight.  One slip-up, and you'll be accused of all sorts of nasty things.   Then, even if you include all of the information you feel is relevant, someone will inevitably complain that you neglected to mention that your player hit a buck-fifty on Wednesday nights when the moon is full.  It's a very slippery slope.  The forum can be a harsh place, which is why we generally try to avoid it when it comes to selling our players."

A week after the original memo was posted, the Cowtippers front office still hasn't received one inquiry. In fact, the office has never been so eerily quiet during this time of the year.

Later in the week, Glander sits down with local sports talk show hosts Mitch Francona and Chris "Mad Cow" Rizzo and tells them, "Don't be surprised if the Salem Cowtippers finish this off-season without making a single trade." Considering Glander's freewheeling ways of the past, this is a shocking statement that is met with disbelieving laughter in the studio. Glander, however, appears to be completely serious.

Following Salem's lead, Chicago Black Sox owner John Gill posts his own list of available players on the BDBL forum. Shockingly, one of those players is Carlos Zambrano, a young ace with a $100,000 salary. Glander quickly contacts Gill to find out what it will take to land what is sure to be the biggest prize of the off-season. Gill's response comes the following day. In exchange for Zambrano, Gill wants both Austin Kearns and Rich Harden.

"He's out of his (bleeping) mind," an enraged Glander yells to no one in particular, as Reuschel stands by silently shaking his head. "I wouldn't trade Rich (bleeping) Harden for Carlos (bleeping) Zambrano straight-up! Why the (bleep) would I just 'throw in' one of the best young hitters in baseball???"

After a brief cooling-down period, Glander responds that Gill is asking too much, and offers Kearns and Joel Hanrahan as a counter-offer. Though Hanrahan is a highly-regarded pitching prospect in the Los Angeles Dodgers organization, who has received rave reviews from prospect guru John Sickels in his pre-season tome, and excelled in his first year at the Double-A level by leading the Southern League in ERA, Gill responds that he has never heard of Hanrahan.

"You see?,” Glander asks to no one in particular, “this is what I mean. How can a guy who has won a league title in this league, who has built the best farm system in the Eck League, not know who Joel (bleeping) Hanrahan is?!?”

“Send him John Sickels's (bleeping) scouting report on Hanrahan,” Glander barks at his secretary. “Pronto!"

Apparently unimpressed, Gill responds that it is either Kearns and Harden or it is no deal.

"But we have plenty of time to negotiate," he adds.

The very next day, however, the Salem front office learns that Zambrano has been traded. Not only has he been traded, but he has been traded to the despised Marlboro Hammerheads organization. History has repeated itself once again. A year ago, Marlboro GM Ken “The Shark” Kaminski went head-to-head against Glander in two separate bidding wars for two ace pitchers. Glander lost both bidding wars despite offering what many considered to be much more attractive packages. Later, Gill handed Carlos Delgado, who turned out to be Marlboro's most valuable player, to the Hammerheads in exchange for a slap hitter, a middle reliever and a $600,000 penalty. The Hammerheads then went on to ruin Salem’s perfect streak of division titles despite fielding an inferior team for most of the season. To say that the Marlboro Hammerheads have become a bitter rival would be a gross understatement.

An enraged Glander throws a chair through the 90 gallon fish tank in his office. Frightened staffers scurry about the office, rescuing floundering fish while navigating through shards of broken glass. Finding viable trading partners in what appears to be an impossible market will not be as easy as it has been in the past.

Next up:
Chapter Two: Unreasonable Expectations