Prologue | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Chapter Two: Unreasonable Minds

In addition to a catcher and shortstop, the Salem offense needs a left-handed outfielder to platoon with Mark Teixeira against right-handed pitching. Great Lakes GM Scott Romonosky paid $7.5 million for Luis Gonzalez in the 2003 auction - a price that had become a little too steep when Gonzalez turned into a platoon hitter. Glander has no interest in paying that price for half a platoon - at least, not at this point in the off-season - but he contacts Romonosky nonetheless, to see what his interest level is in moving Gonzalez, and to get a feel for whether Great Lakes would be willing to take on some salary to defer Gonzalez's cost.

"I was hoping he'd be a little desperate to unload a bit of salary," explains Glander. "Instead, he asked for Austin Kearns AND Sean Burroughs. Two long-time, minimum-wage franchise players in exchange for a $7.5 million platoon player.” The conversation ended right there. No need to bother with a counter-offer.

In general, GM's whose teams are involved in the playoffs rarely discuss trading until their team has been eliminated. When Bobby Sylvester's Wapakoneta Hippos lose their division series against the Akron Ryche, Glander circles the Hippos roster like a vulture looking for fresh meat. Within one quick scan of the roster from top to bottom, however, it becomes clear that the Hippos are in big trouble in 2004. Gone are free agents Luis Castillo, Brian Giles, Shawn Green, Rafael Palmeiro, Trot Nixon and Al Leiter. That leaves the Wapakoneta roster with no offense beyond superstar Albert Pujols and no pitching or farm club whatsoever.

"Trading Albert Pujols makes no sense under normal circumstances," says Glander. "I would never even consider inquiring about Pujols under normal circumstances. But there's nothing normal about the Hippos's present circumstance. They need a lot of help or they're going to be in rebuilding mode for a long, long time.  They desperately need an infusion of young talent on that team with which to build around, and we are probably the only team in the league that is in a position to sacrifice two or three franchise players. If I were Bobby, and I could get two or three can't-miss franchise players for Pujols, I'd do it in a heart beat and never think twice about it."

After careful consideration, Glander does the unthinkable and asks Sylvester about the availability of Pujols. To his astonishment, Sylvester does not dismiss the notion completely. With a look of fevered determination, Glander goes to work, asking what Sylvester would be looking for in return. Sylvester responds with a list of players, including several of Salem's "untouchable" prospects. When Pujols is being discussed, however, there is no such thing as an “untouchable” player. Glander responds by saying those players could be had, and inquires as to which players, specifically, would be enough to land Pujols.

A few days pass without a response. Days then turn into a week. Finally, Glander picks up the phone and calls Sylvester.

"Bobby! Who's the best-looking GM in the BDBL? What? Marazita?? Man, those Jedi mind tricks he pulled on you last year still haven't worn off! Listen, what's the status on our Pujols deal? What's that? You're not ready to trade yet? Okay, Bobby, I'm going to hang up now. Let me know when you're ready to trade."

It isn’t the first time Glander has heard this response over the past few weeks. “What a lot of guys in this league don’t understand,” says Glander, “is that now is the time to trade. The earlier you trade, the more flexibility you have. The more flexibility you have, the easier it is to make a deal. The longer you wait, the worse offers you will find out there.”

When the Kansas Law Dogs drop out of the playoffs, Glander peruses their roster and discovers no players that fit Salem's immediate needs.  He does, however, unearth two players coming off severely disappointing seasons, who would be of no value to anyone in 2004.  Pat Burrell suffered through the worst season in recent Major League history, hitting .209/.309/.404 with 142 strikeouts in 146 games.  He is due to be paid $5.2 million over the next two seasons, making him an enormous risk.  Scott Hairston, a second base prospect, hit .276/.345/.469 in an injury-plagued minor league season during which his attitude came into question.  Always on the look-out for potential future bargains, however, Glander contacts Kansas GM Chris Luhning to see where he stands on the statuses of his two major flops.

"Chris! Who's the best-looking GM in baseball? Allard Baird? No, I meant here in the BDBL. Never mind. Hey - what would it take to get Pat Burrell and/or Scott Hairston from you? What??? Mark (bleeping) Teixeira?!? You can't possibly be serious. You are??? You can't possibly be sane! I mean - you do realize that those two guys I just asked about suck major (bleeping) rat's ass, right? Look, T-Rex is not going anywhere. Neither is Berkman, Zito, Harden or Upton. Aside from those guys, is there anyone on my entire roster that would be worthy of those two completely useless pieces of (bleep) I just asked about? No???"

After hanging up, Glander once again promises to never again deal with Luhning. It is a promise he has made after every failed trade negotiation with Luhning over the course of the past three seasons, yet in the back of his mind, he knows he will eventually venture into that landmine-filled DMZ once again.

At this point, the impression in the Salem front office is that they will not be able to make any trades to fortify their existing roster. So, Glander turns to "Plan B", which is to free up some salary cap space and fill those empty roster spots in the auction or draft. Jeff Bagwell is among the top hitters in baseball, and carries what Salem feels is an appropriate salary of $10 million. By nearly every measurement, there are only six first basemen in baseball with better offensive numbers than Bagwell. Three of them (Jim Thome, Jason Giambi and Carlos Delgado) are free agents, and all three will undoubtedly fetch more than $10 million in the auction. With Teixeira able to carry one half of a first base platoon, Salem can afford to part with Bagwell, freeing up some salary while opening up the need for only half a platoon at first.

Looking around the league, there aren't too many teams that are a good match for Bagwell's services. Most teams either have a good first baseman already or have too much salary tied up. Then, of course, there are a few teams that Glander simply refuses to deal with. One team that seems to be a good match-up is the Atlanta Fire Ants, who have a fair amount of room under the salary cap and a pressing need for a quality hitter in the middle of their lineup. Glander summons his secretary to get Atlanta GM Gene Patterson on the phone.

"Gene! Who's the best-looking GM in the BDBL? Billy Romaniello? Gene, I'm telling you right now, as a friend: lay off the Ecstasy, okay, buddy? Listen, I'm wondering if you would be interested in swapping Scott Podsednik for Jeff Bagwell. You've got two center fielders already and...no Podsednik, huh? Okay, I didn't think you would, but I figured I'd ask. Is there anyone else you would be willing to deal? Juan Pierre? I would do that, sure. What? You'd need someone to take Paul Konerko first?? What are the chances of that?? Okay, let me see what I can do."

After hurtling the phone through the window, Glander goes to work. Konerko, who was involved in that ill-fated trade with the Hammerheads last winter, is the worst full-time first baseman in baseball, and has a contract that is due to pay him $13 million over the next two seasons. If there is a more undesirable contract in the BDBL, it was probably once owned by - and later dumped by - the Atlanta Fire Ants. With spreadsheet, calculator and abacus whirring away, Glander and his team of accountants work through the night to find a way to take Konerko's contract while making the trade equitable for both sides. By the end of that marathon session, Glander has discovered a way to make the trade work. In the end, Atlanta will dump Konerko's contract while getting Bagwell at the bargain-basement price of $7 million. There is no way Patterson can possibly reject such an offer. A memo is sent to the Fire Ants front office, and Glander begins to run through all the scenarios for spending the extra money the trade will save for the Cowtippers. He waits for a response.

And waits. And waits. And waits.

Finally, after several days of agonizing delay, Glander phones Patterson once again.

"Gene, Mike Glander here. The best-looking...what's that? You're not going to take the deal?"

Glander slams the phone down onto his desk so hard, he knocks over his Lance Berkman bobble head doll and shatters his autographed photo of George Steinbrenner. Staffers and personnel evacuate the building in a panicked frenzy while Glander seethes in his leather massage chair, his forehead turning a violent shade of purple.

Next up:
Chapter Three: Trading Jeff Bagwell