Prologue | Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12

Chapter Three: Trading Jeff Bagwell

There is only one other team in the BDBL that seems to be a good fit for Bagwell. The problem is, that team's GM is Jim Doyle. Traditionally, dealing with Doyle has been about as pleasurable as a root canal.  Every GM has a particular philosophy or strategy, and the key to negotiating with any GM is figuring out what that philosophy is, then tailoring trade offers to fit that philosophy.

Jim Doyle's team-building philosophy changes with the seasons. He once believed in building a team around a strong offense. The next season, his philosophy was to build around pitching. One year, he was looking to cut salary at any cost. Another year, salary seemed to be an afterthought. Then, there was the year he decided to build his team entirely around defense.

Through past experience, dealing with Doyle seemed to be more trouble than it was worth. But Glander is desperate. He picks up the phone and dials the Manchester front office.

"Jim! You're the best-looking GM in the BDBL, you know that? You do? Good for you! Listen, I'm looking at two first basemen on my roster, and I see three shortstops, a full-time second basemen and four full-time outfielders on yours. I see no shortstop on my roster and no first baseman on yours. We seem to have a good fit here, no? What would you say about a straight swap of Jeff Bagwell for Melvin Mora? Now, I realize that Mora can only play half a season, but I..."

The laughter on the other end of the line can be heard from across the room. Glander hurls the cell phone against the wall, shattering it into a million tiny fragments, then screams obscenities for the next half hour straight. Office staffers later discover him curled up in a corner by the fax machine, still muttering obscenities under his breath, when Doyle calls back.

"Before I make any offer, I consider the needs of the team I’m dealing with and I ask myself, ‘would I accept this offer if I were in their shoes?’,” Glander later explains in a quiet moment of reflection, after having taken a handful of Xanax. “If the answer is no, I don’t make the offer, plain and simple. Yet for some reason, that rat-bastard Doyle laughs at every single one of my trade offers. He always thinks I have something up my sleeve. Even though I’ve always treated him fairly in the past, he always thinks I’m trying to rip him off. Yet this is the same guy who’ll turn around and trade Chipper (bleeping) Jones for Ryan Dempster without thinking twice about it. He’s an enigma wrapped in an…um…enigma. There’s just no way to figure that guy out. And believe me, I’ve had a staff of psychoanalysts working on his case ‘round the clock since he came into this league. Every one of them is baffled."

Through a second conversation with Doyle, Glander learns the details of the Manchester Irish Rebels's latest philosophy. Apparently, Doyle got a hold of some Bill James books over the summer and drank the Kool-Aid from James's win shares cult. He then concocted his own system for determining BDBL player salaries based on their win shares. According to Doyle's latest theory, Bagwell is $2.3 million overvalued, while Mora is $3.5 million undervalued. Therefore, according to his latest and greatest foolproof method, Glander’s trade offer was laughable.

Instead of arguing over why Doyle’s latest theory doesn’t work in the real world, Glander tries to place himself in Doyle's alternative reality for a moment and play along. While Glander is busy immersing himself into this fantasy world where Craig Biggio has more value than Pedro Martinez, Doyle comes out of nowhere with an offer to trade young fireballing ace Kerry Wood in exchange for Bagwell and Roger Clemens. Within seconds of the offer, the Salem front office is a blur of activity.

Wood is among the top pitchers in baseball, and would undoubtedly be an upgrade over Clemens, but there are several red flags that pop up in the preliminary Salem scouting report. A troubling injury history, an inability to throw strikes and a usage pattern that makes Wilbur Wood look like Pedro Martinez all lead to great hesitation on Glander's part. Glander ends the conversation by promising to get back to Doyle with an offer by the end of the night.

Though it is now 11:00 at night, Glander immediately summons his entire staff of accountants and analysts back to work. After several exhaustive hours of number-crunching, Glander finally emerges with what he considers to be a trade offer that could not possibly be rejected by the Irish Rebels.

In exchange for Wood, Mora, Francisco Cordero, Reggie Sanders, A.J. Hinch and Ruben Mateo, Glander offers Bagwell, Clemens, Eric Byrnes, Brad Lidge and Brian Shouse. In the end, Doyle will get a total of 66.72 win shares for a total of $16.6 million. Glander will end up with 63.24 win shares for a total of $17.7 million. There is simply no reason for Doyle to reject such an offer, based upon his newfound philosophy.

Of course, he rejects it anyway.

Exhausted, Glander throws up his hands in disgust and agrees to Doyle’s original proposal of Wood for Clemens and Bagwell. It was an offer made by Doyle several times the night before.

Doyle rejects that offer – an offer that he himself made - as well.

Glander is so furious, he immediately fires his entire staff (save Big Daddy) on the spot. Once again, the Cowtippers are right back where they started. Over two weeks into the unofficial start of Trading Season and Glander - who used to work deals in his sleep - has yet to make a single trade.

As frustrated as Glander is at this point, however, he refuses to give up. The following day, he finds himself back on the phone with Doyle once again, trying to understand the reason why Doyle has rejected both offers. After another thirty minutes of conversation, Doyle’s reasoning is no clearer than it had been thirty minutes before, so the conversation is shelved for another day.

The next morning, a memo arrives from the Hammerheads front office. Marlboro is looking for a first baseman, and according to the memo, they are “willing to take on some salary.” Just when all hope of moving Bagwell’s salary seemed lost, a dim ray of light shines on the situation. Kaminski will not be easy to deal with, either. He never is. But it is worth a shot. In fact, it just might be Salem’s last hope of freeing themselves from Bagwell’s salary.

“Sharky! Who’s the best-looking GM in the BDBL? Tom? No, Gene? No, Chris? No, Bobby? Listen, while you’re trying to make up your mind on that, I noticed your memo on the forum and I think I might have just the guy you’re looking for: Jeff Bagwell.”

There is a long pause, followed by more slow shaking of Glander’s head back and forth like a toy dog in the rear window of an El Camino. Kaminski, like Doyle and Patterson, believes Bagwell is too expensive. It seems odd, given that Bagwell posted nearly identical numbers the year before, and $10 million was the going rate for someone with those numbers at that time. In fact, Salem bid $13 million on Bagwell and was thrilled to land him for “only” $10m.

Rather than argue about it, Glander offers to take $2 million in unwanted salary off of Marlboro’s hands; in effect, making Bagwell an $8 million player. In exchange, Glander wants two players from Marlboro: Orlando Hudson and Ryan Wagner. Hudson would give the Cowtippers the second base bat against righties they have been searching for, and Wagner would give Salem another young bullpen arm. It seems to be a perfect match-up for both teams.

Naturally, that offer, too, is rejected.

“Worse than the rejection,” whispers Reuschel, out of earshot of Glander, “is that Kaminski apparently called Bagwell a ‘platoon player.’ Can you believe it? A platoon player!”

Throughout the following day, Kaminski continues to send new trade offers for Bagwell every hour on the hour. Asking for both Hudson and Wagner was apparently too rich for Kaminski’s blood, so Glander counter-offers to take Hudson alone. That, too, proves to be too rich, and Kaminski counters by asking Glander to take both Carlos Guillen and Vladimir Nunez (who would cost $3.6 million combined to release.)

“That makes Bagwell a $6.4 million player!,” Glander screams, toppling over the breakfast buffet, which in turn causes Reuschel to burst into tears. “This (bleeping) guy was apparently worth $10 million just a year ago! What the (bleep) happened since then?? Where the (bleep) were all these (bleeping) tightwads last year when I was bidding on him?!?”

Always looking for some reasonable middle ground in every negotiation, Glander offers to take Hudson and Guillen for Bagwell – in effect, making Bagwell a $7.5 million player.

“I know he’s worth more than that,” grumbles Glander, “but we’re running out of options, and all of this (bleeping) negotiating is delaying all of my other plans for this (bleeping) team.”

Kaminski counters by asking Glander to throw in Hanrahan.

“Throw in the Southern League ERA leader?!?,” Glander hisses. “You’ve gotta be (bleeping) kidding me!! Who does this (bleeping bleep) think he is?!?”

A crystal vase shatters and office staffers once again scramble for safety.

Next up:
Chapter Four: The First Domino Tumbles