SALEM COWTIPPERS: 2003
Theater of the Absurd

The 2003 season was one of bitter irony, immense absurdity and unfathomable underperformance.  The Salem Cowtippers began the season as the favorites to win the Benes Division for the fifth straight year, but finished in second place for the first time in franchise history, thanks to an endless series of mishaps, bloopers and blunders that seem too outrageous to be true.

The year began when the Cowtippers were defeated at the negotiating table by the division rival Marlboro Hammerheads in two separate bidding wars for two ace pitchers.  Roy Halladay was so coveted by the Salem front office that offers were made for Halladay as far back as the summer of 2001.  After stating time and again that Halladay was untouchable, the Cleveland Rocks traded him to the Southern Cal Slyme early in the 2002 season.  Salem immediately inquired as to Halladay's trade status on his new team, and was once again told repeatedly that Halladay was untouchable.

But in the winter of 2002, the Cowtippers learned that Halladay's "untouchable" status had changed, despite the fact that Halladay had become one of the premier pitchers in all of baseball.  Upon learning that the Hammerheads had entered into negotiations for Halladay, and were offering singles-hitting outfielder Ichiro Suzuki in return, Salem GM Mike Glander worked day and night in an attempt to secure a more desirable long-term franchise player for a team such as the Slyme.  After hours of tedious negotiation with the New Milford Blazers, Glander emerged with prized outfielder Austin Kearns.  Kearns was offered straight-up for Halladay, and the next day, the offer was rejected.  At the same time, without requesting any counter-offer, the Slyme announced that Halladay had been traded to the Hammerheads in exchange for Suzuki and a pile of worthless dog crap.

And thus began the 2003 Salem Cowtippers's season.

About a week later, Salem lost another bidding war to Marlboro.  With the Atlanta Fire Ants placing ace pitcher Matt Clement on the block, Salem offered Brett Tomko and prized pitching prospect Aaron Heilman.  Marlboro countered with overpriced mediocrities Paul Konerko and Sidney Ponson.  Naturally, the Fire Ants opted for Marlboro's package of dog crap.  And thus, the stage was set for a year-long battle against the Hammerheads for the Benes Division title.

The Cowtippers made nine trades in the winter of 2003.   In one of those trades, Salem dealt away the core of their team - Mike Mussina, Todd Helton and David Eckstein - in exchange for future considerations.  In another pair of trades, the Cowtippers netted part-time pitchers Woody Williams and Orlando Hernandez.  The biggest trade, however, involved all-star center fielder Bernie Williams, who was acquired as part of a salary dump by the Nashville Funkadelic.

The traditional Opening Day series against the New Milford Blazers proved to be an ominous omen.  The Blazers would finish the 2003 season with over 90 losses for the fifth season in a row, yet they had no trouble sweeping the Cowtippers in the opening series of the 2003 season.  Because the Blazers had swept the Cowtippers in the 2002 opener as well, that series was thought to be a whimsical fluke at the time.  However, that "fluke" would soon become the norm for the 2003 Cowtippers.

Salem finished Chapter One with a 12-16 record - four games behind the Hammerheads in the Benes Division.  Salem's five starting pitchers compiled an ERA of 5.35 that chapter, "led" by Hernandez's 6.29 ERA and Leiter's 6.35 ERA.  Tomko got off to a great start, but finished with an ERA of 5.79, and even Clemens was awful, sporting a 4.80 ERA while averaging 5.7 walks per nine.  Woody Williams was also uncharacteristically wild, walking 13 batters in 17.2 innings.

The bullpen suffered from an over-reliance upon Scott Shields, who had been appointed as the team's closer coming out of spring training.   Thanks to Shields's 10.45 ERA in Chapter One, the Cowtippers blew several late-inning leads, costing the team several wins that chapter.

Finally, the offense underperformed as well, ranking just eighth in the Ozzie League in runs scored after one chapter of play, with a team batting average, OBP and slugging percentage all below league average.  As a team, the Cowtippers struck out a mind-boggling 226 times in Chapter One.  The poster boy for underperformance was Austin Kearns, who hit just .267/.323/.407 in the chapter.  It was a slump from which Kearns would never recover.  Robin Ventura (.217/.321/.283) also suffered a Chapter One slump that would extend through the next five chapters.

Salem received an early test in Chapter One and failed with flying colors.  In a crucial series (as crucial as any Chapter One series could be) with the Hammerheads, the Cowtippers lost four of six.  One of those losses came at the hands of the infamous Hiram "Mouthgirl" Bocachica, who crushed a two-run walk-off home run against Ricardo Rincon to give the Hammerheads win #5 in the series.   Bocachica then scored the go-ahead run in the final game of the series, after doubling off Rincon.  It would be the first of many, many games lost by Salem to bench players and assorted ne'er-do-well's.

In another Chapter One series, Salem lost a one-run game to the Akron Ryche when backup infielder Jose Vizcaino delivered a game-winning two-run homer against Scott Shields.  Another one-run game was lost when Roger Clemens surrendered a two-out home, three-run homer to Los Altos shortstop Jose Valentin.  By the end of the chapter, Salem owned an inexplicable 3-7 record in one-run games.  It was a pattern that would continue throughout the season.

Prior to the start of Chapter Two, Salem made a pair of trades, acquiring Tony Graffanino to supply some offense at shortstop, and Guillermo Mota, who took the place of Shields in the Salem bullpen.  The Cowtippers also made a startling announcement by firing long-time pitching coach Rick Reuschel, who was moved into a position as assistant GM.  Hitting coach Pat Tabler was also fired, as he proved to be unable to teach the Salem hitters the same clutch-hitting ability he displayed as a player.  In their place, former World Series hero Mike Magnante was handed the dual task of both hitting and pitching coach.

There was no rest for the Cowtippers, as Chapter Two began with another crucial six game series against the Hammerheads.  Once again, Salem lost four of those games.  Once again, the bullpen failed time and time again.

A typical Salem loss occurred in the first game of Chapter Two.  With a seemingly-comfortable five-run lead in the fourth, Clemens tossed not one, not two, but THREE wild pitches in a row to give Marlboro a free run.  Still clinging to a two-run lead despite Clemens's wildness, Salem turned to their most reliable reliever, Antonio Osuna, in the seventh.  Osuna responded by walked the only two batters he faced.  Rincon was then brought in to face Carlos Guillen (a .221 hitter against lefties) and Carlos Delgado (.238).  After two failed bunt attempts, Guillen ripped a base hit up the middle on an 0-2 count.  Mota was then summoned from the bullpen to face righty pinch hitter Marquis Grissom.  Then, with the count at 0-2 once again, catcher's interference was called on Ben Davis, allowing the runner on third to score.  Sammy Sosa then walked on four pitches, plating the tying run of the game.   Two batters later, Mike Lowell singled to put the Hammerheads in the lead.   Marlboro would eventually win by one run.

On March 19th, with the Cowtippers trailing the Hammerheads by seven games in the Benes Division, the Cleveland Rocks drove the final nail into the Cowtippers's coffin.  On that day, Chris Truby - a .215 hitter who hit just .206 against lefties - roped a base hit up the middle against the lefty Rincon, driving home two go-ahead runs to break a 1-1 tie in the eighth inning.

After that game, Salem GM Mike Glander announced, "There's no point in pretending anymore that we can compete this season.  If we can't beat (the Rocks) in three tries, and if our bullpen can't even find a way to retire someone like Chris Truby, then I give up.  It's over.  After four years of success, this franchise has officially entered rebuilding mode."

Just hours later, several Salem players were formally placed on the block, including Bernie Williams, Woody Williams, Orlando Hernandez, Al Leiter and Robin Ventura.  For the first time in five seasons, the Salem Cowtippers were no longer focusing on the season at hand.  Less than a week later, the Cowtippers traded Bernie Williams and Woody Williams in exchange for several top prospects including Rich Harden and Cliff Lee.  A few days later, Leiter and Hernandez were gone as well, traded for starter Jeff Weaver.

Meanwhile, on the field, the Cowtippers continued to lose, with each loss more bizarre and unlikely than the one before.  The Gillette Swamp Rats, who would eventually lose 98 games on the season, took three of four from Salem, as the Salem bats died against inferior pitching and the Salem arms continued to get hammered by inferior hitting.  The Cowtippers managed to string together an improbable three game winning streak before they fell right back into old habits, losing a game to the Manchester Irish Rebels when backup catcher Tom Prince (who had all of four home runs in the prior Major League season) connected for a game-winning two-run blast.

With each new chapter brought renewed hope that maybe - just maybe - Salem's fortunes would begin to finally turn around.  But once again, on the very first day of the chapter, those hopes were dashed.  On April 30th, Salem lost their eleventh one-run game of the season when Bear Country utility infielder Mark McLemore (who hit lefties at a .152 clip) took lefty Rincon deep into the Salem night.   The very next night, the Cowtippers scored ten runs against the Jamboree, but it still wasn't enough.  Heading into the eighth with a 10-7 lead, Salem pitching coughed up SEVEN runs in the eighth, then allowed three more in the ninth just to play it safe.  It almost seemed as though the Cowtippers were fated to lose in 2003, and nothing could prevent that from happening.

Later that chapter, on May 9th, the Cowtippers took a two run lead into the ninth inning in a game against the Bear Country Jamboree.  An error on a routine ground ball to second extended the inning for the Bear Country offense.   Pinch hitter Todd Hollandsworth then stood at the plate, representing Bear Country's last hope.  Since Hollandsworth was batting just .143 against lefties at that time, Rincon was once again brought into the game to record one final out.   Instead, Hollandsworth laced a double to the gap, scoring the runner on second.   Travis Fryman - a .186 hitter against righties - then stepped to the plate, and righty Osuna was brought in to get that one final out.  Again, Fryman ripped a base hit, scoring the tying run.  Bear Country scored in the top of the tenth, and Salem managed to load the bases with one out in the bottom of the inning, but failed to score.   Failure to hit in the clutch was also a Salem theme throughout the 2003 season.

On May 22nd, Salem lost their 15th one run game in grand fashion.  With the score tied 0-0 heading into the ninth against the Great Lakes Sphinx, Salem called upon Osuna to hold the line.  Leadoff hitter Kenny Lofton walked, stole second on a pitch-out, then scored the go-ahead run on a bloop single by Omar Vizquel.  In the bottom of the ninth, Ray Durham doubled with one out, putting the tying run in scoring position.  With the #2, #3 and #4 hitters in the Salem lineup due to bat, it looked to be another extra-inning affair.  Instead, Kearns lined out to second, and Durham was caught napping too far off the bag.  Double play.   End of game.

Just six days later, the Cowtippers lost yet another one run game.  Once again, Salem entered the late innings with the score tied, and once again the offense failed to perform in the clutch and the bullpen failed to get the job done.  The Cowtippers loaded the bases with one out in the eighth, but left them juiced when Kearns popped out to the infield and Bagwell grounded out to end the inning.   In the ninth, highly-annoying Los Altos slap hitter Dave Roberts swiped second against the "Vg"-armed Ben Davis, then advanced to third when Davis's throw sailed into center field.  He then allowed the next pitch to skip between his legs, allowing the Undertakers to score the winning run without getting a single hit.

As hard as it was to believe, the Salem Cowtippers still had not hit rock-bottom.  The very next game, Salem blew a 4-2 lead and eventually lost by the score of 20-8.

The Cowtippers would end Chapter Three on a positive note, beating the New Milford Blazers on the final day of the chapter to finish two games above .500 for the chapter.  Meanwhile, off the field, the first place Marlboro Hammerheads - who were now six games ahead in the division - began a series of bizarre self-mutilating maneuvers that stripped the team of its best players.  At the same time, Salem GM Mike Glander was busy pursuing a trade that would bring the reigning American League Cy Young award winner, Barry Zito, to the Cowtippers.  After days of intense negotiation, Zito was fitted for a Salem uniform, along with Tim Salmon, Troy Percival, Steve Reed and Steve Karsay.  Suddenly, despite trading away several star players, the Salem Cowtippers had become the best team in the Benes Division.  The only question was whether there was enough time left in the season to prove it.

For the first time all season, the Cowtippers began a chapter with a win, beating the Madison Fighting Mimes on the first day of Chapter Four.   By the second series of the chapter, however, it was back to the same old story.   Despite the fact that Salem had added two quality arms to the bullpen, problems continued to haunt the Cowtippers in late innings.  Karsay allowed a game-winning single to A.J. Hinch (who was batting .175/.219/.268 at the time) in another one-run Salem loss, and Percival (who held righties to a 364 OPS) blew another game by allowing a walk to a right-handed batter (Troy Glaus), a game-tying single to another righty (Benito Santiago) and a go-ahead single to yet another righty (Doug Glanville.)  Reed joined the club on June 30th, when Litchfield's Fernando Tatis (.170/.254/.330) drove home a game-winning two-run double off of him with two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

On July 16th, Percival blew another game by allowing another base hit to another right-handed batter (Edgardo Alfonzo.)  Rincon blew another save two days later, allowing a double, and an RBI single to two of the three lefty batters he faced.  He then allowed an insurance run on an RBI single by Pokey Reese (.228/.288/.265).

Two days after that, Tatis did it again, delivering yet another game-winning hit - this time off of Guillermo Mota.  Tatis's two-out, two-run double off Mota in the sixth was followed by Percival allowing two more hits (a double and an RBI single) to two more right-handed batters in the eighth.  Just to add insult to injury, Percival then tossed a wild pitch to plate another run.

Finally, on the final day of the chapter, the Salem bullpen blew yet another game.  Just one game after the Cowtippers had blown a 6-0 lead over the Undertakers (but managed to win in spite of that), Salem carried a 3-0 lead into the seventh inning of the second game of the series.  A double by Vance Wilson (.261/.350/.386 vs. RH), an RBI single by Matt Franco, another RBI single by Tom Goodwin and an RBI double by Brian Hunter - all off of Mota - tied the score at three apiece.   Rincon then surrendered a game-winning triple to a lefty batter (Jason Giambi) in the ninth.

While the Cowtippers finished Chapter Four with a 16-10 record, it could have easily been a much, much better chapter had only a break or two gone Salem's way.  Instead, the 'Tippers trailed the 'Heads by five games with just two chapters left to play.

Chapter Five was an unusually "easy" chapter, as 22 of the 26 games on the Cowtippers's schedule were against teams with sub-.500 records.   Despite the fact that Marlboro's schedule was just as easy, they finished the chapter with a mediocre 14-12 record.  It was a golden opportunity - perhaps the final opportunity - for the Salem Cowtippers to extend their division title streak to five.  It was an opportunity the Cowtippers blew.

In the first series of the chapter, Salem barely managed to eke out a split against the woeful Manchester Irish Rebels.  In one game, the Irish Rebels were able to rally against Roger Clemens with a two-run triple by Darin Erstad, an RBI single by Melvin Mora, a wild pitch, an error and an RBI single by pitcher Eric Milton.  Each event more bizarre and unlikely than the one before, all leading to another absurd Salem loss.

The Cowtippers finally managed to string together their first true winning streak of the 2003 season beginning with the second series of Chapter Five.  Salem won eight games in a row, pulling to within one and a half games of first-place.  That's when the wheels fell off the bandwagon.

Following that eight-game winning streak, Salem dropped three games in a row to the last-place Great Lakes Sphinx.  After barely managing a split against the pathetic Litchfield Lightning, the Stamford Zoots rolled into town and swept two more games, giving Salem five losses in six games.  In an instant, Salem's deficit in the division had grown to five games.

Salem's Chapter Six schedule was about as tough as a schedule could be, with eight games against teams that owned winning percentages in excess of .600, and two more against the Hammerheads themselves.  Salem began the sixth and final chapter on a tremendous high note, beating the Sphinx by a score of 16-1.  Yet any momentum that stirring win could have provided completely vanished when the Cowtippers lost the second game despite having Jeff Weaver on the mound against the immortal Tanyon Sturtze.

The Cowtippers were fortunate to emerge from Akron with a split of their two game series.  Zito and Weaver then stepped up big to sweep the Madison Fighting Mimes to put Salem just two games out of first place.  After a two game sweep of the Lightning, that deficit was cut to just one game.  Zito - who emerged as a one-man force on the Salem roster following his acquisition - contributed yet another big-time clutch performance when he beat the Bear Country Jamboree, tossing a complete game one-hit shutout.  But once again, any possible momentum from that series was stopped dead in its tracks.

Once again, Salem manager Mike Glander turned to Ricardo Rincon, and once again, Rincon responded by rolling over and exposing his soft underside.   Rincon was brought into the game to face Mark McLemore (a .158 hitter against lefties) with the bases loaded and two outs.  McLemore was ordered to take four pitches, and Rincon obliged by walking him on four straight pitches.  The next batter, lefty Jim Thome, then drove home the tying run by legging out an infield single.   After scratching and clawing their way back into the lead, Steve Reed and Gabe White handed that lead back to Bear Country by allowing big hits to such luminaries as John Mabry, Brian Roberts and Andres Galarraga.

In the ninth, the Cowtippers had a golden opportunity to put the game away.  With one out and runners on first and second, Lance Berkman stepped to the plate to face Chris Hammond.  A deep fly ball would have won the game.   A single past the drawn-in corner infielders would have won it as well.  A slow grounder to the middle infield would have won it.  A strikeout would have extended the inning for the clutch-hitting Royce Clayton.

Instead, Berkman did the only thing that could have completely destroyed his team's chances of winning: he grounded into a double play against a fly ball pitcher.

Despite the loss, the Cowtippers managed to tie the Hammerheads at the top of the division for one glorious day, thanks to a mini losing streak by the bumbling Hammerheads.  But the elation was short-lived.  The very next series, Salem hosted the Gillette Swamp Rats - a last-place team that would lose 98 games on the season.  Gillette swept the series.

In one of those game, Clemens blew a 5-0 lead by allowing six runs in one inning.  In the following series, against the Mimes, Clemens repeated the feat, allowing four runs in the first inning.  Then, in his very next start, Clemens was pounded once again.  Clinging to a 1-0 lead over the Zoots in the third inning, Clemens allowed five runs in one inning, ending any chance of winning and costing his team another game in the standings.  By the end of that series, the Cowtippers were back to three games behind, as the Hammerheads began to heat up.

On October 21st, the Los Altos Undertakers swept the Cowtippers in a two game set, putting the Cowtippers four games behind the Hammerheads with just a handful of games left to play.  For all intents and purposes, it was over at that point.

On October 28th, the Hammerheads strutted into town, looking to clinch their first division title on Salem soil.  It was the final series of the season for the Cowtippers.  One last chance to reclaim a tiny bit of respectability in a season filled with absurdity and embarrassment.  Salem fell into holes of 1-0 and 3-1, but battled back to tie the score both times.  Then, trailing by a run in the ninth, Marlboro manager Ken Kaminski opted for Danny Graves out of the bullpen instead of his closer, Mariano Rivera.  Pinch hitter Scott Spiezio then made Kaminski pay for that decision, whacking a home run to tie the game.  After a scoreless tenth, Salem managed to load the bases in the bottom of the eleventh, then watched as Marlboro reliever Armando Benitez sailed four balls past Jeff Bagwell, walking home the game-winning run.

In the final game of the season, Marlboro jumped out to a 2-0 lead in the first inning.  A three-run homer by Berkman put Salem in the lead 3-2 in the fourth.  The Salem bullpen then stepped up for the first time all season and held that lead, denying the Hammerheads the chance to clinch their division title in front of the Salem fans.  It was a rare act of defiance and grit displayed by the team that failed so miserably so often throughout the entire season.

The Cowtippers would finish the 2003 season with a record of 87-73, three games behind the Hammerheads and twelve games behind the wild card winners.  For the first time in Salem history, the Cowtippers would not be playing baseball in November.

It was the type of season that is best forgotten, though the lesson to be learned should always be remembered: never take anything for granted.