Sleek, Fast

Men drive big, fast cars to attract fast women. I drive a small, black car. Your ass is mine, Gary Coleman.

Smile

I saw a sign that said, "Smile! People will wonder what you're up to." You can get the same results by walking into a bank wearing a ski mask.

Freckles

If you stare at someone who has tons of freckles, their face will turn into a 3D picture of a sailboat.

Variety

I thought I was getting the "Seven Year Itch" again. But, it turns out I just rubbed my balls in some Poison Ivy.

Fun With Sharpies

Drawing a moustache on someone's picture is always funny. Drawing a moustache on someone's face is even funnier.

Unfortunate Cookie

A while back, I got a fortune cookie that said, "You will achieve great happiness when you learn to become more flexible." After three years of yoga lessons, I can now touch my own balls to my chin and couldn't be happier.

Left Overs

My friend had some left over Hooter's Wings in his refrigerator. At first I thought, "Those won't keep." Then I thought, "I didn't even know Hooter's sold food."

Dinner Dilemma

My kids are picker eaters. I'll admit it, they get it from me. So, my wife always gives the food really cool names so they'll eat it, like "Superman Spinach" and "Barbie Beets". She says if you tell them it's something they really, really like, they'll eat it. I thought that was a cool idea. Then I sat back down and finished my 'Big Black Titty Broccoli.'

Rap Concert

I like when rappers say, "Somebody scream!" at their concerts. To get the full effect, I think they should shoot blanks into the crowd. Then they'd scream.

Deep, Dark

Have you ever held a secret locked deep inside of you for so long that it just grows and grows and continually eats away at you? Then you realize it's not a secret and it's just a tape worm? I hate that.

A Sign from God

To Be a Kid Again

Ode to grandpa:

Wearing a diaper does not make you a kid again.

Jason Dixon

I got a call last night from Stanford's Comedy Club to see if I wanted to open up for Jason Dixon this week.

Last night's show was fun. Some girl asked me to sign her boob. Oh, now they like the funny guy? They didn't like the funny guy in high school. Now that the funny guy has a mini van and three kids, they ask me to sign body parts? Nice timing.

Will C came out and did a guest spot. I signed his boob, instead.

Urinal Cake

The urinal at the bar had a big, pink urinal cake at the bottom of it. After a few beers, it started to look a lot like a big, pink Hostess Marshmallow Snow Ball, but tasted more like Ding Dongs.

Time Capsule

My daughter wants to buy a 'Barbie Time Capsule' so she can bury the things that are important to her now and dig them up again in 20 years. 65 bucks! Why would you spend 65 bucks to dig up a box full of dirt and worms and cheap jewelry when you can do the same thing for free at the cemetery?

Little People

The politically correct term for midget is "Little People". That's actually more derogatory than 'midget'. It makes them sound like they're less of a person. A Little Person. I think you should try to build them up a bit. I think a much better name would be "Gigantic Babies".

Reason #86

Reason #86 Why I'll probably end up alone:

Actual conversation:

Connor was not eating his dinner

Me: Connor, eat. Don't you want to grow up to be big and strong? Huh? Don't you want to grow up to be a big, strong man like your mother?

Flight Plan

Jodie Foster is in a new movie called 'Flight Plan', where her daughter vanishes mid-flight at 37,000 feet without a trace. I thought this was a horrible idea for a movie. Highly improbable. Then I remembered all of the times I've been flying somewhere only to find my luggage vanished.

Beer Girls

I like to go to the bar when the "beer girls" are there; such as, The Bud Girls, The Heineken Hunnies, or the Coor's Twins. You know what you never see at the bar? You never see representatives from the skank beer companies - like Blatz. I'd like to see the Colt 45-year Olds, the Hamm's Hoochies or some Stroh's Hoes next time I'm out.

Greg Giraldo

Last night I got to perform with Greg Giraldo at the new Funny Farm Comedy Club in Kansas City. I had fun. I tried some new stuff about drinking that got some laughs. I even did the Popsicle joke for the Superficial Plaza Chick, who was there and DIDN'T INTRODUCE HERSELF!


Greg Giraldo, Brad

Surprise!

I went to a huge 'Coming Out' party last night. Actually, it was a 'Surprise Coming Out' party - for me - which is weird, because I'm not even gay. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised. But, my wife sure knows how to throw a good party.

I did get some nice gifts. Mom, thanks for the fanny pack.

I ate more than Oprah's Tape Worm

Labor Day: Haiku

Day spent smoking meat
In a smoker, not a bong
Now I have the poops.

Bad Actors

Sometimes actors are type cast into a certain role. I believe Keanu Reeves has been type cast as a 'bad actor'. This was debated over lunch today.

Me: ".. But I have to admit. He was good as Bat Man."

Friend: "He didn't play Bat Man."

Me: "Oh. Then he sucks."

Until there's a "Point Break 2: The Return of Brody" my position stands.

Blame

Alcoholics always blame their drinking on something or someone else. Dad would always say that mom drove him to drink. I always resented that until I went home to visit recently. Dad was pounding beers on the couch as mom chanted, "Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug!"