Haunted Mansion

I went to a big haunted mansion in the neighborhood. It was really dark and scary; they had dogs barking and everything. At the end I got a big bag full of dvds and coins. Then I ran out of there before the owners woke up.

Haiku: Ode to the guy dressed as a Jedi at work

Love the light saber.
It's a plastic replica
But you're a real geek

Egg Me

The kids in my neighborhood must hate me. Every year, I put a big can of vegetables on top of the Halloween candy bowl. Then, when a group of kids come to the door, I give HUGE handfuls to each kid. Then, as the last kid eagerly awaits his heap of candy, I reach in and give them the can of veggies.

Happy Hour

I was on the radio this afternoon on the "Happy Hour" show. I worked in a few new bits and pimped out my Novemeber 16th show.

Drop Out

My son already wants to drop out of school because he hates his teacher. He says she's a real bitch and the principal is an asshole. The problem is, he's home schooled.

Hall of Fame

I was on the radio this morning making my pitch to be inducted into the 610 Sports "Caller Hall of Fame". The call was funny. It started with these words: "I'm feeling a little crazy today - a little nuts. The last time I felt little nuts I was checking Gary Coleman for a Hernia." They replayed the commentary later in the show.

Fun with Pumpkins

Here's fun idea for the kids that I read in this month's Family Circle.

Before carving your pumpkin, imagine you really hate Orange people. Then start cutting.

Lock your Doors

I had to walk through a really bad part of town last night. It was so bad, I actually heard an owl say, "Who dat is? Who dat is?"

Leg, Thigh, or Breast?

Having sex with someone for the first time after getting out of a long relationship is awkward. It's kind of like going to someone else's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It's still good, but it's different than what you're used to. For instance, do you have to taste the pie just to be polite? And, is it okay to have the game on while you're eating? Do you have to ask for seconds or do you just take them? Either way, you're still thankful to be there.

Scratching Post

I just found out that I may be allergic to groupies. Every time I'm with one, my back breaks out into long, red scratches.

Look Around

I've been so busy with the comedy, charity events, and fundraisers that I haven't taken the time to watch the world changing around me. Pink skies, high school football, the smell of burning leaves in the air - my favorite season is finally here: Autumn. Take it in before it's gone.

Dimes

My daughter's school is raising money for charity and the kids have to bring in as many dimes as they can. The class who collects the most dimes and raises the most money gets an ice cream party. My daughter asked me for spare change:

Ariana: "Do you have any dimes? It's for a good cause."

Me: "What's the good cause?"

Ariana: "An ice cream party."

Slip of the Tongue

I had a weird slip of the tongue today. I was telling a lady at work what quail tasted like. I was going to say it tasted like "fowl", but at the very last second I decided to say "duck" instead. But, somehow I slipped and said, "Your tits look like f*cking mud flaps."

Low Mileage Mom

Someone asked what I meant by 'Low-mileage mom'.

Definition: 'Low-mileage mom' (adjective)

In good shape. Takes care of herself as well as her children. It's not always easy to do both so this is a nice compliment.

Gas Guzzler

We stopped for gas on the way to Parson's in a small, unwanted town. There was a lady outside the station on the pay phone with feathered hair, tube top, the works. What better way to spend waiting to fill the tank than to eavesdrop on her conversation. I actually heard her say this:

"I ain't no white trash. Hell, I'm everything but white."

Parsons

Just finished up an acting gig out in Parsons, Kansas for a fund raiser. That was a lot of fun. I actaully got paid to walk around, mess with people, and flirt with a hot low-mileage mom for a few hours.

Stick to the List

Me and my wife have an ongoing battle where we try to make each other laugh when the other person is not around. For example, she replaced all of the credit cards in my wallet with pictures of male strippers. When I got to the counter to pay for something, all I had was half-nude pictures of "Dante the Black Stallion". I had to explain to the check-out lady and all the people in line that she was insane, not me (as I stood there laughing into an empty wallet).

Revenge: My new tactic is to erase stuff from her grocery list and write something very inappropriate in it's place so she'll read it and laugh when she's standing in an aisle full of people. Look closely at the list below. As we speak, she is at the grocery store with her mom with this list in her hand.


Yes, that says "anal lube". What would make this even
funnier is if she comes home with some.

Update:

She said she was in the deli when she saw the anal lube and laughed. She's wrong. Anal lube is in aisle four.

Update (October 24, 2005):

Got her again...

Radio Killed the Comedy Star

I was on the radio again this morning - more sports humor/commentary. This time I talked about the Minnesota Vikings sex boat scandal that's going on. I also told Fred Smoot to use sheepskin condoms next time (see "Protection" joke below).

Reason #87

Reason #87 Why I'll probably end up alone:

Actual conversation:

Me: How about a quickie?

Wife: How is that fun for me?

Me: Since when is sex supposed to be fun for you?

Ode to Carmex: Haiku

Just a little squeeze
Would make my chapped lips better
No Carmex today

Yellow

I can't decide if this means I'm in love or if I'm going to be pee'd on.

Pet Names

My wife and I have little pet names we call each other in the bedroom. Like, I'll call her "Sweet Cheeks", and she'll call me "Tyrone" for some reason.

Livin' on the Edge

If I had to pick a song that describes my best sexual experience it would be "Love in an Elevator". If I had to pick a song that describes my worst sexual experience it would have to be "Dude Looks Like a Lady".

Schedule

I will be the featured performer November 16th and 17th at Stanford's Comedy Club in Overland Park and I will be the emcee for the Michael Winslow show the 18th and 19th. You probably remember him as the sound effects guy from Police Academy and Space Balls. Should be fun...

Shooting Star

Ode to grandma:

Urinating in your pantsuit does not make you an astronaut.

What a Smile

I went with a friend to see a 3D Sonogram of her baby. I was amazed at the quality of the image.

Me: Oh, look. She's got big, chubby cheeks.

Doctor: That's not her face.

Superhero

To a kid, his dad is like a Super Hero. My friend Tommy's dad lived a Superman lifestyle: Clark Kent by day, Lois Lane by night.

Validation

Comedy is the only job where you have to constantly validate your career choice to everyone whenever they find out what you do for a living. People always say, "Oh, you're a comic? Tell me a joke." You wouldn't do that to anyone else. You would never say, "Oh, you're a roofer? Teach me Spanish."

Katrina

I forgot to put up pics of the Katrina Disaster Relief event. Here's me probably saying something stupid.

Ultrasound

My wife went to the doctor for abdominal pain and was hooked up to an Ultrasound, which looks like a giant Auto Diagnostics machine. We found out she wasn't pregnant, but there's a crack in her tail pipe causing her number two cylinder to misfire.

Darn

I know a guy that says "Jeez" and "Gosh". He's afraid that if he uses the real words he will die and go to "Heck".

Katrina

The big Katrina Relief show is this week. Looks like the signs are already ablaze with my name.

Cravings

Women crave strange things during pregnancy. My neighbor's wife craved sausage. My wife craved my neighbor's sausage.

Will Power

"The best part of temptation is giving in." I read this phrase on the inside of a candy wrapper approximately 10 minutes after I decided I wouldn't eat any candy for a week.

Buried

Sometimes I say the right thing, but at the wrong time. For instance, yelling 'Get in the hole!' while golfing with your buddy is not only appropriate, but also encouraged. Yelling, 'Get in the hole!' at your golf buddy's burial service apparently is not. Sorry, Eddie.

Protection

Sheep-skin condoms are the most sensitive. Especially if you don't remove the sheep.