Heavy Lifting

I was reading an article in Cosmo (or whatever magazine makes this story really funny to you) that there is an exercise that men can do to 'strengthen' their manhood. It said to drape a bath towel over your 'hog' and flex the love muscles to lift the towel. The exercise great for building stamina and it's pretty fun at parties, etc. So, I gave it a try.

I started light with some washcloths and hand towels then moved on to the heavier stuff like a bath towel. Then, I really started getting into it. I was curling loofahs and back scrubbers. I was yelling at it like a drill sergeant. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone standing behind me. I don't know how long she was there, but I guess it doesn't matter when you have a loofah hanging from your junk. So, without pause, I turned to her and said, "Hey, lady. Can you spot me?"

And that's how I got banned from Linens & Things.

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Catch Me If You Can

I couldn't decide, so I bought both a Dream Catcher and a Playboy air freshener for my rearview mirror. This morning, I caught a wet dream.

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Full Circle : A Haiku

I started in one
And I will end up in one
Big, poopy diaper


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The Bachelor

Call me crazy, but I'm addicted to watching the reality show, "The Bachelor", where a guy gets to choose one of 25 gorgeous women. I bet that's difficult to choose just one. I bet it's like someone offering you just one piece of candy from their box of chocolates. They all look so good on the outside, but you never know what's really on the inside. So, to get the one you really like, you poke 'em with your finger - just to make sure you don't get the one with the nuts.



Susan from Kansas City

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Dummy

Sweden just developed the first female crash test dummy. It functions the same as its male counterpart; however, testing must stop every fifteen minutes so she can use the bathroom.


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Blue Poison

Twenty-three million men worldwide have used Viagra. A very small number of them are going blind after taking normal doses. If you have a problem with Erectile Dysfunction, please don't take the drugs! It's not worth the risk! If you can't get an erection, just do what every other man does when he can't get it up anymore: buy a Corvette.









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Bad Santa

I don't think Santa should bring lumps of coal to the bad kids. I think he should bring them toys, but they should be toys specifically designed for bad kids. Here are some ideas I'm working on.

My First Prison Bitch - A little doll that clips onto your pocket that will blow you for smokes. Shank sold seperately.

Hungry, Hungry Homeless - Be the first to collect enough change to buy a 40 oz. Don't throw away the box because you can sleep in it!

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Fun in Flannel

I have a friend who is a lesbian. She's so 'butch' that even her doorbell won't say "ding dong."


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More Passive-Aggressive Spell Checker

The Spell Checker on my computer has been making some weird suggestions to my mispelled words. Today I typed a word wrong and the Spell Checker said, "Perhaps you'd rather play Solitaire?"


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