Wiener Patch

This morning there was more SPAM in my Inbox. This time it was an ad for a website that sold a "Penis Enlargement Patch". I checked it out (for research purposes) and was staring at the website in disbelief. "I cannot believe this! I cannot believe they don't take PayPal." And, where do you actually STICK the patch? I'd hate to slap in on my shoulder then two months later find out I did it wrong. Then I'd end up with one arm longer than the other.

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W

My office is located in the old downtown airport. One of the terminals was converted into a pretty slick looking office space (See pics in previous post). Private planes still take-off/land from the airport. Today, George Bush and Air Force One landed. We all watched from the window. Pretty cool seeing W (pronounced "Dub-ya"). This is what I'm staring at right now from my desk.


George coming off the plane...



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NASCAR

The NASCAR season is kicking off and I have to admit, I'm more excited than KD Lange at an all-you-can-eat taco bar.

I've never really watched NASCAR but I figure it can't be any worse than watching Tyra Banks week after week on American Idol. Oh, wait. That was Ruben Studdard.




NASCAR is proof that if you mix enough rednecks and alcohol, a race will break out. Where else can you see 100,000 half-naked, drunken rednecks in one place? Besides Walmart on payday? There's mullets and flannel and back hair as far as the eye can see. And that's just the women.

The best part of NASCAR are the wrecks. There are more leaks and accidents than the waiting room at a Planned Parenthood. People go to the races just to see the accidents. That's like going to a K-Mart in Independence just to see the kids get spanked.

There's a guy on each team called "The Spotter". He's the guy that gives the driver directions. How hard is that job? "Turn left."

I noticed how young all the drivers were. What happens to all the old guys? I think they should have a NASCAR Seniors Tour. It would be twleve hours of big Cadillac's going the wrong way with their blinker on. There would be sponsors targeting old men, like Metamucil, Depends, and Dick Clark's American Band Stand in Overland Park.

One more final note: Covering your crappy car with NASCAR stickers does not make you a NASCAR driver. Just like wearing a diaper does not make you a kid again, Grandpa. Slapping a Dale Earnhardt sticker on your pink Geo Metro does not make you Dale Earnhardt. It makes you Jeff Gordon.

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Workin' out

This morning I did 15 miles on the treadmill. Easy. They were Marlboro Miles. The trainer saw me and gave me a disgusted look.

"What?" I asked. Do you want me to put out the cigarette?"

"No. I want you to take off the rollerskates."


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It's not you, it's me. You dummy

It's hard to argue with a ventriloquist. They keep putting words into your mouth.

Pregnant Glow

"You have a Pregnant Glow." I think that's a nicer way of saying, "Bigger Butt".

Happy New Year

My friend is giving up both cigarettes AND red meat. On one arm he wears the nicotine patch. On the other we wears a piece of bologna.

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