Million-Dollar Bathtub Stolen

TOKYO - A glittering bathtub made of gold worth nearly $1 million has been stolen from a resort hotel, an official said Wednesday. The round tub, worth $987,000, is made of 18-karat gold and weighs 176 pounds.

"We have no idea who took the bathtub, however we've ruled out the entire country of France"



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Potheads Fixin' Potholes

A "Work Zone" is where you see a bunch of construction workers and plastic cones. See also: "Hooters"





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American Inventor

New CDs are too hard to open. I'm going to invent a set of tools that makes opening them easier. Everyone will have them. They will be small enough to fit in your pocket and I will call them "keys".




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Superstitious

I'll never become superstitious, knock on wood.



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Try

The phrase "If at first you don't succeed..." does not apply to skydiving.

Two Timer

My friend is having twins! She showed me the ultrasound, "This one's definitely a boy. And the other one is either a little girl or an Asian boy."



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Barking up the Wrong Tree

My neighbor's dog barks constantly. I finally got fed up and said, "Is there any way I can make that dog shut up!?"

"Yes, but he usually likes to lick his own balls."




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Cat Gets Rescued, Gets Braces

After being hit by a car, Baxter the cat's jaw was so misaligned he had to get braces on his teeth. Coincidentally, this is the first time anyone has associated the words "braces" and "pussy".



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Party Down!

Parents are now throwing "Chicken Pox Parties" to expose their kids to other children who already have the Chicken Pox. At first I thought this was weird. Then I remembered college and all the parties that I left with little red bumps from my playmates.



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The History of Condoms

I just read an article on the Origin of Condoms. Interestingly, the first condoms were made of seashells - which also explains the origin of 'crabs'. I once wore a condom made of seashells. I stuck my wiener up to my ear and I actually heard the ocean.



The article said that 60% of men in Indian complain that standard condom sizes are too big for them. They explained Indian men are 3 to 5 centimeters smaller than average. The good news is, I have a new found fondness for Indian women.

Mapquest

This morning an old man asked me for directions to the cemetery.

"Go towards the light... "




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