Thanks for sending me your rough draft. I can see you've put a lot of work into coming up with details and I can tell that I'm going to learn something about lacrosse from reading your story.

You've got to do some thinking about the shape of your story. You need to have a beginning, middle and end before you start filling in the details. Hang onto this draft for sure, so that you can use some of the descriptions later, but before you go any further let's talk about the shape of your story.

The real meat of your story is what happened to Zach. He tripped over his shoelace and suddenly everything was different for a whole lot of people. THAT's a great beginning! Can you paint that scene for us. Take us to the game and let us watch as Zach's shoe comes untied. You know how that works in a movie, right? You see the guy running and then the camera focusses on his foot and you see the lace coming untied maybe even in slow motion and you, the audience, know that he's going to trip but you can't take your eyes away. You have to watch it happen. Well, that's what you want to do with your writing too.

So, if that's the beginning of the story, what's the middle? What happens to that team while Zach is sidelined? What are they worried about? Who comes forward to try to save the day? Do they argue amongst themselves about what to do? You need to introduce us to the team and I don't mean by listing their names!!!!! Introduce us properly to your characters by letting us get to know them. Make them talk. Let them interact with each other.

And the ending well, you've got that in the bag, haven't you? You know where the story is going and it's a very, very good strong ending. So, even though you've got some work to do, you've also done a lot of good groundwork already.

I look forward to seeing how your story takes shape. Just believe me when I tell you that you have to know the shape of your story before you start loading on details. Otherwise, it could collapse underneath you. So, take your time and tell your story well, okay?

Good luck and happy writing!

-Sarah

I am so impressed with the work you've done on your story! You put in all kinds of wonderful details and now it flows really nicely too. You must have worked very, very hard on this. It really shows.

So, this version of your story is called a "rough draft". That means you aren't finished yet. You will do at least one more draft in which you will try to improve your story even more. I have NO doubt whatsoever that you can do this. You obviously know how to edit and revise.

Let's start at the very beginning and see what we can come up with for ways to improve your story. Oh, before I go any further let me remind you that YOU are the author of this story, NOT me! Any suggestions I make are yours to either use or not. It's up to you to decide, okay? That said, I wonder if you could make your very first line a little more interesting and inviting. The first line of your story is supposed to "invite" someone into the story you're about to tell. Maybe you could tell us something about what kind of a day it is. Is it hot? Sunny? A special day, like Carrie's birthday? And why has she chosen the beach as the place she wants to go? Is it her favorite place in the world? Has she ever been to a beach before?

You have some great ideas about things the girls see out the window but here's a little suggestion. I'll bet Carrie would see the farm animals FIRST and then as she gets closer to the sea she would spot those seagulls. Maybe just reversing those two details could add something nice to your story. The part about them not falling asleep is PERFECT. of course they wouldn't sleep, they're too excited! Good thought.

I like the start of your second paragraph. I can almost feel that cold water. But I'd love to hear you describe how they get into it all the way. Do they scream? Laugh? Who gets under first? Beach volleyball is fun. Can you add some details about it that tell us why they got so hot playing? Were they jumping? Falling in the sand? Chasing after the ball? Remember that you are telling a story, not describing a list of things that your characters did. Watch out that you don't use the word "then" too much. Rather than saying "and then they did this" see if you can come up with other ways of telling us what happened to the girls.

I love the idea of the shells getting washed back into the ocean and the bucket floating away too! That's a good idea, Staci. This is a really nice part and I think you should take your time with it. Maybe we should think that the girls will be upset that they've lost their shells and then you can show them laughing and running to tell Carrie's mom. I like that they aren't worried about the accident. Don't be afraid to take your time and add lots of details. What did Carrie's mom look like wading into the water after that bucket? Was she wearing a bathing suit or did she have to roll up her pants? Did she get wetter than she expected to? Were the girls standing on the beach watching her? Paint the picture for your readers with words so they can see what you see in your head.

Okay, now we're to the part about the crabs. Now, you know more about crabs than I do, because I live in New York City where the only crabs around I get from the fishstore. Can you eat crabs right out of the bucket????! You might need to describe this better for those of us readers who know nothing about crabs. I like that final line of your paragraph "They stayed there for a long time." It just sounds nice. I can see them lying in the sun all full of crabs and happy to be at the beach. Sometimes very few words can actually make us feel quite a lot. Good.

Here's a little tip: when you have a bunch of characters doing things together, rather than listing all of their names say something like "the girls". "The girls got ready to leave..." See what I mean? Of course you do, because you did it at the end of your story!

Endings are the hardest part for some people. I don't think yours is quite right yet, Staci. It may only need one perfect sentence more. Something that sums up the experience a little better than what you've got. I want to know WHY it was a day they'll never forget. Also, you've got some nice details (the towel and the cooler) but you could use some more. How do they feel? Are they tired but happy? Did anyone get a sunburn? Are they sandy? Barefoot? Is the day ending so it might look different - the sky might be changing as the sun sinks? Details would be nice here. But most of all I want to feel the feelings those girls have about the great day they spent at the beach.

I will look forward to seeing your next draft. I know it's going to be great! Happy writing and I hope these suggestions are helpful.

-Sarah

Thank you for sending me your rough draft. I can see that youve done a lot of good work! I love the fact that youve chosen to tell your story from the dogs point of view.

Your story has a nice shape to it starting with the dog being lost and then all the events in the middle and then ending with the owner and dog being reunited. But you know what you need to do now???? You need to make the story come to life. How do you do that? Well, there are lots of ways! First of all, you can start thinking about how the characters in your story actually talk and include some dialogue. What you have now is whats called "internal monologue" thats just a fancy way of saying talking to yourself.

I would love to hear the conversation between your main character (by the way, does she/he have a name?) and that chocolate lab. Not to mention that pesky little rabbit. It sounds like fun dialogue to write. How would you make them sound different from each other? There must have been something very interesting about that chocolate lab to make your character leave his/her happy home and nice master to follow her. And did that rabbit tease the dog to make him/her chase it?

Also, have you ever been lost? If you have, try to remember how it felt and include some of those feelings in your descriptions of what is happening to your main character. I know when I get lost and I do it fairly often because I have a TERRIBLE sense of direction! I look around trying to find things that look familiar. Sometimes I think things like "Oh, if only I could see something I recognize. A face. A street sign. SOMETHING." Did you ever feel like that?

Here's another thing to start thinking about. DETAILS. What does your character look like? And what are the surroundings like? Does the story take place in a small town? A big city? The country? You need to help your reader to be able to picture where the story is taking place that will make it feel much more alive.

Good for you for making such a good plan for the beginning, middle and end of your story. Thats a very important thing to start off with. Now comes the really fun part breathing life into your characters and making the whole thing come alive. I know you can do it!

I look forward to seeing the next version of your story.

-Sarah