Your story is very special, because it is full of very real feelings. I feel sorry for your mom because she got hurt, but I also feel sorry for you, because you felt so bad about giving her that bump. The only thing you need to work on here, is putting in some more detail. You need to make your story a little longer, and tell us more about both you and your mom. How old were you when it happened? What did your mom say when she fell back in the snowdrift? What were you thinking when it happened? Were you afraid that she was very badly hurt? You could use some dialogue - write the words that each of you said to the other. And you could also use some more details about how things looked and felt. Keep up the good work and this is going to be a very special story indeed.

-Sarah

This is a very good story. There is lots of action. I LOVE when you have dialogue like - "Pick on someone your own size." I think it would be nice to have even MORE dialogue. Like, for instance when they are in the cave hiding - don't you think they might be talking to each other? I think you could tighten up your ending a little bit. Why does the lion stop chasing them? Because he agrees with them, that he ought to pick on someone his own size? If that's what you mean, maybe you should come right out and tell us that. Let us know exactly what the lion is thinking. Then, maybe you can think of something funny for those monkeys in the girls' clothes to do - like maybe they would clap and make a lot of noise to cheer for the girls getting away. And maybe THAT would be why the girls would let them keep the clothes. I don't mean to write the ending for you, obviously, you are a very good story teller! But these are just some suggestions for how you could improve your story. One last thing, be careful that you pick a way to write your story - either in the present or in the past, but don't mix them up! If the monkeys FOUND some clothes, then you have to say "The girls RETURNED…" See what I mean? You're doing a great job, keep it up!

-Sarah

Wow, your story is coming along beautifully! Here's an easy suggestion that I think might make your beginning better though. Try combining those first two sentences and making them into one. "This is a story about a Ninja named Tifugee." NOW, try this...find a good word to describe Tifugee and put it in that first sentence. "This is the story about a [strong, evil, brave, whatever] Ninja named Tifugee." See what I mean? You know how when you see a movie and you want to tell a friend what it was about, you just tell the important parts of what happens in the story? The plot, it's called. Well, your story is sort of like that. It's all about the plot (the story) but not so much about the characters and how they feel and think. What do they look like? How do they speak (try writing a few lines of dialogue!) These kinds of details will make your story MUCH better. You've got a lot of really, really good plot ideas, now you need to make your characters come to life. Good luck and keep up the good work!

-Sarah

You have the beginnings of a very, very good story! I love your characters and how you've told us with just a good, single word something important about each one. Quick, strong, friendly and messy are all good descriptive words. You need to put some thought into how to begin your story. I'm not a big fan of "Once upon a time...", but I think you need a better first line than what you've got right now. Maybe you could start with a description of that snowstorm and how everyone reacted to it. You've got a great idea there, having all the animals work together to build the snowman. then you have this WONDERFUL idea about how it makes the pig feel, to see them all working together and having fun. Maybe, it would be stronger if you told us how the pig was feeling during the time the others were working together. For instance, was he standing on the sidelines saying "You'll never be able to do it!" That might help explain why he doesn't like it when they succeed. And then maybe your ending would be even better if the others notice how sad he gets, how left out he's feeling and they INVITE him to join them and make a snowman - maybe with his help they can get even taller all together, and he could put the hat on top! What would you think of that? I think your story is coming along beautifully. Keep up the good work!

-Sarah

What a good imagination you have! This is a fun story. I think it would help us if you gave those cats names. Also, it might be fun to hear what they were thinking. What did they think of that bobcat – after-all, it is a CAT and they probably looked kind of alike, right? What did they think when they saw the neighbor? Weren't they surprised to see him there? And weren't they missing you???? Tell us what was on their little kitty minds, okay? Also, you need to make sure that even though this is a fantasy, we will still believe it in some way. Like, we need to know who was sending that box to the jungle and WHY. Was it the man next door - maybe that would work, since he's the one who's going to go there. The jungle is VERY far away, so he needs to have a good reason that he's both sending things there and willing to travel there. Maybe he works with wild animals? I love that he takes the photograph with him and that's how he finds the cats. I also like that he put them in his coat to carry them back to the airport. Are you sure you don't want him to carry them all the way home like that? It might be nicer than coming home in a box - somehow I don't think those cats would want to get in a box ever, ever again! Think about these things and see what you can come up with to make your story even better, okay? Good luck!

-Sarah

Your story just gets better and better! Here are a couple of suggestions that might help improve it even more. Tell us what your friend's name is so you don't have to keep calling her "my friend". Also, some dialogue would help make things more fun. Like, for instance, what would you and your friend say to those pesky seagulls when they tried to get your frenchfries? How about telling us the name of your dog too. Giving your characters names helps us to get to know them better as we read your story. I LOVE the word you chose "bubbly" to describe the way the waves felt on your legs. That is a PERFECT word! Basically, you have a very nice beginning, middle and end to your story. What you need to do now is add as many good details as you can come up with to help us to picture your story. You're doing wonderful work - keep going!

Sarah