Wow, what an exciting story you are telling! There is lots of action, and what’s really great is that you have a lot of detail too. For instance I like the way you describe your horse. What I think you need to do now is take some time to so what’s called TIGHTEN YOUR STORY. You’ve got the basic story down, the beginning, middle and end, but now you need to make sure you’re telling it in the most interesting way possible. Let’s start with your very first line. “Once upon a time…” Hmmm, do you think you could find a more original way to begin your story – something that nobody else has said before? You’ve got an exciting story, how about giving it a more exciting opening line? Here’s another thought –it’s fine to call the knight Ronnie if you want to, but think about it – does Ronnie sound like the kind of name a knight would have? Sir Ronald the Brave maybe, but I don’t think Ronnie sounds like a knight’s name, do you? I like the fact that there are nine knights. You know why? Because both words start with the same sound. That’s called alliteration, which is just a fancy way of saying words that start with the same sound. Like Silly Sarah, or wriggly Ronnie. See what I mean? Anyway, I think that’s a nice detail. One last thing – I think that this is a pretty complicated story. That’s great, but you have to make it LONGER. We need a little more information about what’s going on, what happens. You kind of have the skeleton of the story, but not the whole thing yet. Take your time. Add lots more of your good details. What does Ronnie the knight look like? Is he big? Little? What color is his hair. What sort of armor does he wear? And same with those wizards –what do they look like? I know I’ve given you a lot to think about –but you obviously have a great idea for this story and I want to help you make it as good as it can be. I know you can do it!

Your writing pal,

I can see that you like stories that have a lot of action in them. That’s great! Ninjas and towers blowing up and bad guys and good guys are always exciting to read and write about. But even in stories filled with action, we have to know who the characters are that we’re reading about. We need to know a lot more than just their names and that they had a fight one day. In the last line of your story you wrote, “He said because it made him feel bad he would help Moses fight evil.” You’re doing the right thing here! You’re telling us how one of your characters FEELS. Feelings are a really important thing to put in your stories. And so is description. Try thinking about the battle Moses and Double X had in your head. What do you see? Where did the fight take place? Was it nighttime? Daytime? What were they wearing? How did they FEEL? Was Moses afraid? If you can picture the story in your head, you’re on the right track. Now all you need to do is write down some of those details. Instead of saying “they got in a fight” tell us about the fight. Give us as many details as you can think of. I hope these suggestions will help you with your next draft. I can’t wait to read how it all turns out!

Your writing pal,

You and I have something in common. We both like to write about animals! It sounds like you have some pretty interesting animals to write about. A three-legged cat and a dog named Alligator, not to mention another cat named Berry Samba. Wow! How did they get those unusual names? I think what you need to start thinking about is what your story is about. Is it about ONE thing that happened to ONE of those animals? You have to be careful when you're writing a story, not to just make it seem like a list of interesting facts. That's kind of what you have right now. It's fine to start off like that, in fact it's a good thing to do to collect images and ideas from which to build your story. Now you need to decide what you want to write about. Will it be a true story about something that really happened to one of your pets, or do you want to make it up? Sometimes when I write about animals I like to try to imagine things from THEIR point of view. What are THEY thinking? Do you think you could imagine what Berry Samba is thinking when she’s looking out the window? Why don't you try it and see what happens. Or, if you'd rather write about something that really happened to you and some of your pets, that's fine too. Just make sure that your story has a beginning, middle and end. All good stories have those three parts. That's what keeps them interesting to read and to write too. I can't wait to see what you decide to write about. I have a feeling, whatever it is it will be creative and fun.

Your writing pal,

It was so much fun to read your story. I can tell that you like funny things. Me too! And monkeys ARE very funny, aren't they? I think that King and Tiger have good senses of humor, they like to have fun and they have some funny ideas. They are also big show-offs, which is funny. Now, how to make your story even better....You've got some nice details in your story, and some great descriptive words (splattered, flip) but you could use even more of this. take your time when you're telling us about the naughty things King and Tiger do. Tell us what you think they're thinking. They like the Zookeeper, right? So why do they throw a pie at him? Is it because they know that he thinks they're funny? Maybe a way to add some interest to your story would be if the monkey's aren't sure at first if the Zookeeper really DOES think it's funny, and then in the end, it can be the way you have it - with all three of them laughing about it. Or maybe the Zookeeper can find some way to play a trick on the monkeys? There are all kinds of possibilities. I think you're off to a really good start, now you just need to have even more fun and be even funnier in the story that you tell. One suggestion, when you write dialogue --that's when two people are talking to each other --put whatever they are saying inside quotation marks. Like this: "That is very funny!" said the Zookeeper. That way we'll know who is speaking, okay? Also, since you know how to write dialogue, I would suggest that you use it even more. It's a great way to let us know what your characters are thinking. Great start, can't wait to see what you come up with next!

Well one thing I can tell for sure is that you are a big football fan! There are a lot of great stories that have been written about sports - including football. Have you ever read any books by Matt Christopher? My two sons, who also love sports, really enjoyed Matt Christopher's books when they were your age. The tricky thing about writing about sports is keeping it interesting for the people who are reading it. If you have too many scores and team names in your story, it gets a little, well, boring. You've got this neat idea about some boys who dream of getting into the Super Bowl and then they DO. But let me ask you something, are they still boys when they get to the Super Bowl or are they all grown up? This is REALLY IMPORTANT!!! If they are really still boys, that would make a very cool, fantasy-based story. Would they be playing against big huge men on the other team? Would they all be boys on the team, or just our three main characters, Kevin, BJ and Michael? How would the other players feel about them? How about the fans? If you meant for the story to be that these three boys dreamed of being in the Super Bowl and then when they GREW UP they succeeded, well, that's a whole different story. And that would be fine too. You need to make that decision yourself. Either way though, whether it's about boys in the Super Bowl or men in the Super Bowl you need to tell us a whole lot more about who they are. Instead of focusing on all the different teams they play on, tell us about who they are, tell us about THEM. How are they alike? How are they different? What do they look like? Why do they love football so much? How did they become friends? Where are they from? Give us as many details about them as PEOPLE as you can think of. Trust me on this, it will make your story a lot more fun to read --and to write too! Good luck and keep up the good work.

Your writing pal,

You are off to a really good start with your story. Do you know why? Because it’s a very good idea to write about something that you LIKE. You tell us in your very first sentence that you like to watch cats when they play. Writing a story about cats playing is a great idea! Now, what you need to make this story work even better, is a lot of DETAILS. When you say you throw a Frisbee for your cat – I’d like to read your description of what that looks like. Where do you do it? In the park? In your front yard? Is your cat ever nervous about being outside? Does she ever get distracted and run away in the middle of the game to chase a mouse or something? Most cats won’t chase a Frisbee, it’s more of a dog thing. How come your cat knows how to do this? Did you teach her? How???? See how many questions I have? Putting in details and descriptions (what color is she, how big is she, what is her name? What is she like?) will help us, your readers, SEE the story in our heads. One good way to collect strong details for your story would be to watch your cat. Take some notes – either on a piece of paper or just in your head. Try to come up with good ways to describe what she’s doing. When you say she moves with four legs, well, we kind of assume that, but HOW doe she move? What does it remind you of? So I will be sitting here in NYC waiting to read your next draft. Have fun!

Your writing pal,