Everyone around Boston's White City called them the Three Amigos,
as if a single entity. I knew them as Bobby, Stevie and Brian.
The Pumpkin Wars began the Halloween of '57; not long after the
Milwaukee Braves beat the hated Yankees in the World Series. The
boys were only ten when they started it, but old Mrs. Pease had
surely gone begging. Every year she would put out one of her intricately
carved pumpkins candle lit, on a sheet-covered porch chair fronted
by a section of low picket fence. Fastened to the top of the fencing
was a white sign inscribed with bold black letters, lit by a spotlight
the old crone had staked into the lawn.
!! QUIET PLEASE !!
NO TRICK OR TREAT
Their initial raid was a spur of the moment thing. For the first
time, the boys were old enough to be out on their own on Halloween
night, and passed by Mrs. Pease' house on the way back from gathering
booty at the larger homes surrounding the Goodway mansion. Stevie
started it. "You guys hate freakin' Mrs. Pease' pumpkins as much
as I do?" he screamed, as if the old bag could hear him. "My Mom
used to drag me all the way over here just to stare at her stupid-ass
pumpkins."
"They have nothing to do with Halloween," Brian agreed, not nearly
as loud. "I mean, what does a flying fairy or a jumping deer have
to do with Halloween?"
"And you'd think she'd at least put out a basket of candy or something,"
Bobby chimed in. Stevie looked around and nodded toward a tall
hedgerow between Mrs. Pease' bungalow and the duplex next door.
The three ducked behind the bushes, dropped their candy-stuffed
pillowcases to the ground and took up surveillance positions facing
the house.
No doubt, Stevie would make the run to the porch to grab the giant
gourd. By far the best athlete of the three, Stevie could run
down most dogs. "You guys watch my back and I'll go grab the pumpkin,"
he whispered.
Brian spread open the branches of the hedge to peek through. "I
can see her through the side window," he said, a whispered sort
of shout. "She's sitting in the parlor, watching TV."
Poised in a crouch at the street end of the hedge, Stevie took
off as soon as Brian waved the all clear. He dashed across a short
expanse of scruffy lawn to the front corner of the house and waited
for Brian's high sign with his back up against the wall. Once
Brian's upturned thumb poked though the hedge, Stevie slid behind
two tall junipers along the side of the house, hunkered down to
pass under the parlor window, and tiptoed onto the porch. He grabbed
the glowing orange sphere with a two-handed basketball grip, leapt
from the porch over the short picket fence and sprinted up the
narrow pathway toward the street.
By the time he made the sidewalk, he had hit full stride, the
pumpkin held high above his head. Without losing a step, imitating
a Bill Russell dunk shot, Stevie slammed the pumpkin onto the
corner of the curb, where it shattered with an echoing splat.
He never looked back, racing from the street to join Bob and Brian,
now jumping up and down behind the cover of the hedge. Hardly
out of breath, Stevie was laughing. "It was a freakin' church,"
he whispered. "She carved a picture of a freakin' church on a
pumpkin."
Brian thought he'd better check and poked through the hedge. "I
guess she didn't hear anything," he said.
"I knew I should have rung the goddamn bell," Stevie sighed. "I'm
going back." Using similar stealth tactics, he snuck back to the
porch and jabbed the doorbell a half-dozen times. He turned, leapt
over the steps into the yard and began to pry the hated sign off
the fence. It wouldn't budge.
Through the window, Brian saw Mrs. Pease rise from her chair headed
toward the front door. "Holy shit, Bobby. She's just about out
the door," he said. "Has he got it off yet?"
The sign finally broke loose, save a broken corner held fast by
a screw through a fence slat. Brian and Bobby moved out from behind
the hedge, to get a better look and to be on the mark to hightail
it. Mrs. Pease waddled out the door, taking one-at-a-time clumsy
old lady steps down the three stairs to the yard. "What are you
doing, young man?" she screamed. Stevie was in the street, kneeling
on the asphalt facing Mrs. Pease and poised over the pumpkin.
He masked his face with shadow by pulling the hood of his sweatshirt
down low, and began to mash the scattered wedges of slimy squash
edge-on with the Quiet-Please sign, hammering away like a rapid-fire
pile-driver.
"No trick or treat, no pumpkin, you clueless old hag," he shouted,
pounding and scraping at the orange mess until the shrieking maniac
was almost on him. He sprang to his feet and backed away with
three quick hops. "Remember, no trick or treat, no pumpkin," he
repeated, then wheeled and skip-jumped three steps to a full run.
Bobby and Brian knew the drill and darted off in the same direction,
toward Wachusett hill. Stevie would catch up with them. A block
away, the three slowed down to look back. Mrs. Pease was squeezing
pieces of pumpkin up against her flabby tits, blubbering like
a moron.

A single battle doesn't make a war. It was Mrs. Pease' counterattack
the next year that really raised things to an ugly head. As soon
as Mrs. Pease' pumpkin appeared on the stoop during the week prior
to H-Day, Stevie got little Richy Hagen to scope out the scene
in return for Richy's customary house snooping fee: a quarter's
worth of penny-candy at Maury's Corner Variety.
"The carving looks like a skinny-ass bear in a tuxedo, tap-dancing
or something. It says, 'Bear Astaire'," Richy told them later,
on their way to the store. "And there's a new sign there. Says
the same old stuff, but has all these metal clamps holding it
to the fence."
Nothing had changed. Mrs. Pease hadn't learned her Halloween lesson.
This time, now sixth-graders, the trio waited until later in the
evening, hoping to put the old biddy off guard, maybe catch her
thinking they'd forgotten. The raid would be a blitzkrieg pumpkin
grab and smash. No doorbell and no noise, they'd decided æ just
an enforcement action according to the no-treat, no-pumpkin rules
of engagement. They approached the tidy home from the rear by
way of Bourne Street, slinking through the backyards in ranger
mode. They assumed the same staging position as the year prior,
hidden behind the shedding hedgerow. Mrs. Pease was watching TV
in the parlor.
When Stevie made the porch and took a grab at the glowing orange
bear, he let out a muffled shriek a cry of pained surprise.
He rubbed and then shook his hands as he side-kicked a sneakered
foot twice through the weak, carved front of the pumpkin, collapsing
the gourd and smothering the candle inside. He kept his hands
waist-high as he loped off, shaking his fingers as if he'd pissed
on them. When Brian and Bobby finally caught up, Stevie's face
was glowing atomic red. "The freakin' old bat put needles through
the sides. She was trying to freakin' kill me." It was getting
late. With a 10:00 curfew and Stevie already all but grounded,
they wouldn't have much time to mount a counterattack.
"I told you guys we should have grabbed some eggs and toilet paper,"
Brian said.
Stevie glared. He was still flapping his hands, alternately pinching
at the soft skin of his right palm. "Never mind that now, Brainiac.
We ain't got time." While staring at the ground trying to come
up with a plan, Stevie spotted something and bent to poke at it
and pick it up. "Look what just blew by," he said, holding up
a dusty brown paper by a pinched corner. "A freakin' lunchbag!
Hey ... I think I got it. You guys see any dog shit around?"
Bobby remembered seeing a beauty, on the sidewalk three houses
down from the Goodway place said he almost stepped in it. Stevie
took off that way, the after-burners switched on. Bobby and Brian
heard the rustling of flying leaves far up the street after Stevie
disappeared into the darkness, zipping along as if his ass was
on fire. Soon the rustling returned, headed their way. Stevie
raced out of the dark in the middle of the street, sagging lunch
bag held high over his head with one hand, nose clamped shut with
the other.
Though Mrs. Pease threw open the door just seconds after Stevie
put a lit kitchen match to the bag and palm-slapped the doorbell
a signature six times, Stevie was off out of sight by the time
she got there. She spotted the smoking bag, scanned the street
with a face washed in panic and almost toppled over trying to
jab at a tongue of flame using the back of her heel. She edged
closer, positioned a furry-slippered foot directly over the smolder
and began to stomp, hugging the front doorframe for support while
trying to snuff out the fire flatfooted and blind. The smell finally
clued her. She began to stab her nose up in the air and flare
her big-mo hairy nostrils like a spooked rabbit. She stopped her
dance over the smoking bag, looked down at the remains and backed
away. Shaking, she tried to kick off the worst of her two caked
slippers, screaming bloody murder into a now-silent, moonless
night. "I'll get even with you, you little bastards! So help me,
God, I'll get even!"
The boys, hidden behind a parked car in the driveway across the
street, rolled back and forth over the gravel with their hands
over their mouths, Stevie pounding his fist on the ground.

In the third year, there were victories and defeats for both sides,
by the boys' way of reckoning Mrs. Pease getting the dinky short
end. Stevie christened their plan The Dog-Doo Megabomb Bait and
Switch and obsessed on every detail, including feeding the Hagen's
Labrador, Buster, a family-sized can of baked beans mixed with
a half-pound of stale baloney things Brian filched from home
while his Mom was hanging out the wash. Stevie chased the beast
around half the morning, all in the name of decent weapons-grade
material.
The device itself was simple: the explosive a cherry-bomb Brian
fit with an extra-long fuse; a triggering device the tried-and-true
lit cigarette wedged inside a closed matchbook cover; and finally,
the payload painfully provided by Buster.
They used a softball-sized wad of mud to stand in for Buster's
mess and fired off a test shot in the vacant lot behind Brown
Brothers' Roofing, producing a fairly uniform, fifty-foot-diameter
circular scatter. "Not so bad," noted Brian, pacing the perimeter
around ground zero. "But tonight, I recommend we pack the Buster
Bomb a little tighter. We may get less distance, but much better
material concentration at the target height."
Mrs. Pease had made changes to the yard during the past year.
Their observation hedge had been replaced by an unbroken stretch
of six-foot-high chain-link fence stretching from her rear property
line to just shy of the front sidewalk, where a stripling oak
was newly-planted beside it. Stevie, claw-hammer slung through
his belt, munitions in hand, and a lit cigarette dangling from
his mouth, circled around the block and approached the porch from
the opposite side of the house.
Moments after Stevie dropped the smoking bag in front of the welcome
mat and had torn up the pumpkin using the claw-hammer, the smoldering
butt set off the matchbook, causing the top half of the bag to
burst into flame. Stevie pumped the doorbell six times as soon
as he saw the telltale fuse sparks fly, and then bolted. Their
plan relied on Mrs. Pease getting to the door nearly as fast as
the year before. "Yes!" Brian whisper-shouted to Bobbie, as soon
as he saw the door fly open.
The old woman stood in the doorway. "You little bastards think
I'm going to fall for that stupid trick a second time?" she yelled
into the night, following up with a throaty, sarcastic laugh.
A cherry bomb is damned loud, even buried in a huge dog-crap meatball.
Bobby later swore Mrs. Pease left her feet with the explosion.
The old woman staggered back from the doorway and banged her lard-ass
into a closet door before sliding onto the floor. The pale-lemon
clapboard on the front of the house sported a new color-coordinated,
ten-foot-wide yellowish-brown polka dot, almost perfectly centered
on the front door.
A car engine cranked to life, high beams and blue flashers in
a driveway down the street. Stevie, on the run, made a sudden
change in direction and veered past the young oak and along the
fence toward the backyard, headed straight for Mrs. Pease' minefield
with Bobby and Brian behind him. He hit the tripwire, an ankle-high
strand of baking twine hung with Christmas bells and tin cans
full of beads. Stevie spun into the air ass over teakettle, landing
with an oomph on a bed of mud, broken glass, and thumbtacks. Two
flashlights moved down the narrow grassy alleyway, behind one
the dark silhouette of Slim Jim Casey, a Forest Hills' beat cop
already too familiar with the Three Amigos. Brian grabbed Stevie
by the arm and pulled him to his feet. The three scaled the fence.
Bobby, the last to go over, caught the cuff of his jeans and needed
help to tear loose.
When they finally stopped running, a full three blocks away, Stevie
began to dig slivers of glass out of his left hand using the small
blade of his pocket knife. "I told you we should have given Richy
Hagen the two packs of firecrackers to watch the house," Brian
said, his chest heaving. Stevie tore him a new blowhole. "In case
you weren't watching, Smartass, we just got our butt kicked! If
Slim Jim recognized any of us, we're screwed glued and tattooed."
They sweated out the rest of the night and most of the following
week, waiting for Boston's Finest to arrive and announce themselves
with a hard knock on the door. They never did.

Year four was their last in junior high. Stevie didn't need to
remind the Amigos another chapter in their one-night-a-year conflict
was about to go down. He raised the subject two weeks before Halloween,
while the three were inventing excuses not to watch the televised
Kennedy-Nixon presidential debate. "I want to get her good this
year." Brian and Bobby nodded, glanced at each other and back
at Stevie. "Real good," Stevie crowed, a sign he had ideas for
the assault.
In return for a reconnaissance mission, they agreed to give Richy
Hagen an assortment of fireworks and a ride on Stevie's bike,
though Stevie at first objected and suggested they pummel the
little bastard. "The sign and stuff are about the same," Richy
reported in. "This year the pumpkin has a picture of a hooded
kid hanging from a tree. You know ... lynched. Weird!"
They waited until midnight, snuck out of their homes, and met
at the edge of the woods, just past the outfield fence behind
the little league diamond. Brian pulled out his Zippo and charred
a wine cork he had brought along, using the soot to blacken their
faces.
The Pease place was dark, save for the spotlit pumpkin. The first
order of business was to make sure it was safe. The police may
have had the house staked-out earlier, but there wasn't a soul
around this late at night. The coast clear, they ran hunched-down
in single file from one safe cover to the next, and stopped behind
the shed in Mrs. Pease' next-door neighbor's yard. Stevie put
on leather gloves and approached her front porch in a combat-crawl,
a shopping bag dragged along behind him. He unplugged the pumpkin
spotlight from its extension cord, pulled their modified twenty-five-foot
lamp cord from the bag and plugged it in. The bare-wire end was
fastened to a large, crisscrossed swatch of duct-tape. Stevie
grabbed the tape, dashed to the door and slapped the tape and
exposed bare wire onto Mrs. Pease' front doorknob. After smoothing
out the creases, he karate-chopped the doorbell six times and
took off.
The old woman took longer than usual to get to the door, perhaps
already off to bed for the night. If she had grabbed the electrified
doorknob first, she might have gotten only a small shock to accompany
the surprise. Instead, she pulled open the door using a deadbolt
above the hot-wired lock assembly and stood in the open doorway
with a bucket in her hand, evidently expecting another flaming
bag of dog poop. When she saw no one there, she turned to go back
inside and took hold of the hot-wired knob to pull the front door
closed behind her. The instant her fingers grabbed hold of the
knob, she jerked back at the waist like dodging a foul ball. The
bucket dropped from her hand, and her knees began to give way.
If the bucket hadn't dropped onto a nearby heating grate æ hadn't
tilted as it fell, hadn't fallen the wrong way when it landed
on its edge æ then mission accomplished. Instead, the metal pail
fell onto its side, spilling its contents over the woman's slippers
and onto the cast-iron grate. With the clang of the bucket and
the muffled splash, smoke began to seethe from melting rubber
all along the length of electrical cord running from her parlor
window through the boys' extension to her door. Mrs. Pease went
down on her knees with her hand still welded to the knob, twisting
and jerking like kleenex in a clothes dryer. With a sudden, audible
flash, the lamp cord melted away at its weak point. She fell to
the floor, rolled onto her back and went still, eyes glazed over,
blue tongue sticking out high and straight from a toothless gaping
mouth.
"Jesus," Stevie said, out of breath, back at the lot behind the
baseball diamond. "You think she's dead?"
"I thought you said it wasn't dangerous, Brian," said Bobby, now
crying.
"Don't blame me. It was Stevie's idea," snapped Brian. "I said
it wouldn't be dangerous so long as she wasn't grounded. You guys
stick your fingers in sockets all the time! Hurts like hell, but
it won't kill you. She got grounded by the damn water."
"We're not going to freakin' tell anyone," insisted Stevie. "I'm
the one they're gonna fry."

Rumors flew around the neighborhood that the same boys who year-after-year
smashed Mrs. Pease' pumpkins grew up to become her assassins.
However, the hooded-boy-hanging pumpkin was still intact when
the police arrived. Stevie would never smash a pumpkin with his
picture on it, never part of their plan. The Amigos were home
and asleep in their beds as far as anyone knew.
With few clues to guide them, an out-of-town, ex-con nephew of
Mrs. Pease her only living family member and in line to inherit
the house and a small insurance policy became the focal point
of the police investigation, though never charged.
The boys rarely spoke of the incident, except for Bobby. Every
Halloween throughout high school he'd wish they hadn't done it.
No one, not even Bobby, ever mentioned the woman's name. After
graduation, Brian went on to UMASS. Stevie and Bobby, both owners
of a high draft lottery number, enlisted in the Marines on the
buddy-plan.
They returned home together from Camp Lejeune after infantry training,
their last leave before staging for Viet Nam. Their plane landed
at Logan the same day the Impossible Dream '67 Red Sox lost the
seventh game of the World Series to the Cardinals. Slim Jim Casey,
now plain-clothes Jim Casey, met them at the gate. "Which one
of you is Robert Everett?" he asked, looking straight at Bobby.
"I've been waiting years to get you guys. I suspected all along
it was kids, not Reggie Pease. Kept the duct-tape all these years
and a list of kids to check, if I could ever get a hold of their
fingerprints."
Bobby looked at Stevie, shaking his head, no. Bobby began to cry,
the same sort of bawling the boys thought he'd left behind years
ago.
"When I heard you jerks enlisted, I contacted the Department of
Defense and made an official request for a copy of your fingerprints,"
Casey said. "Guess what, Bobby Everett? Your prints match those
found at the scene on the duct-tape. You're under arrest." Casey
signaled to two uniformed officers waiting nearby. They snapped
handcuffs on Bobby's wrists while a whispering crowd gathered
in a circle around them. Casey turned to Stevie. "It's you I want,
you little bastard. You and your friend, Brian. Bobby's going
to help me." The boys weren't stupid and had watched Dragnet religiously.
They had put together their makeshift booby trap with gloves on
and had wiped everything clean, except for the duct-tape. Bobby
simply forgot he had used the tape last, for a school project.
His prints were all over the stuff.
Bobby could be emotional and frightened easily. Brian and Stevie
knew that. But he would never rat-out an Amigo, a reason you became
an Amigo in the first place. They offered to turn themselves in
if it would make things go any easier on him. Bobby refused and
pled guilty to a reduced charge, getting two years for Involuntary
Manslaughter.
It seemed like it was over and done with, but wars rarely work
that way. Only days after Bobby was sentenced, Stevie, out at
the point on a jungle patrol, spotted a VC scout up ahead and
took off after him just like he used to chase down Buster. After
he hit the tripwire and went airborne into the shredding teeth
of a fifty-pound exploding Claymore, he had to know he was a goner
a snap before he was gone.
Did he think of her the instant before his light went out?
At the funeral, Stevie's Dad said what they shipped home wouldn't
have filled a man's shoebox. The only way he knew it was Stevie
was from a remnant of the left hand dotted with jagged pink scars
Stevie got from a fall on some broken glass while in junior high.
Bobby took it hard. If he hadn't been arrested, he might have
been on patrol with Stevie and yelled out a warning when Stevie
took off down the trail. Or, Bobby might have died with him. Worse,
if Bobby had spilled the beans or allowed the other two to confess,
Stevie would have been arrested and discharged, but still alive
and kicking up dust somewhere.
While in prison Bobby learned to rub the edge off his multi-bladed
razor of guilt with filthy needles full of bad smack, moving on
to purer grades after his parole. He shot up his farewell overdose
the next Halloween, no coincidence.

I knew them because my name is Brian, last soldier standing in
the Pumpkin Wars. It began as a small test of will, in strange
ways a war like any other. Some die in combat, some in the aftermath,
those that survive are crippled by sorrow.
And regret sorrow's evil, nasty twin.
They've increased in number over the years, the pumpkins engraved
with a hanging figure identical to the one on Mrs. Pease' stoop
the night she fried. I've tried to ignore them, not look at them,
but now you see them everywhere on Halloween. At the supermarket
today, on a rotating display near the checkout counter, I noticed
the hanging-boy stencil for sale and picked one up off the rack.
"From the Pumpkin-Mania Legacy Collection," it said, in bold black
and orange print on the package, "by renowned Stencil-Artist Emma
Pease. Since 1961, our most popular design!"
We always assumed the hanging figure was meant to be Stevie. After
a closer look, I knew it was me. I paid the $2.99 for the stencil
and drove over to the hardware store for the rope. This war ends
tonight, on Halloween. The oak next to the rusted-out chain-link
fence at the old Pease place grew up to look just like the hanging
tree carved into thousands of pumpkins.
Somehow, she knew.

|