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            Part 14 -

 

Amid the confusion that was my life … I got more problems dumped onto my lap. Welcome into my world. I can’t help it, but I seem to attract people who have problems and need to talk them out. Usually with me, of all people. Me, who has absolutely no experience what so ever in the matters of the heart. Yeah, go figure. This time though, they only needed my room. “They,” meaning Aga and Mike. And thus, once more, I’m really debating my sanity. I swear I must be utterly stupid. I’ve left them make a meet point of my place again. And right now, they are sitting on the floor, talking. All they ever do is talk. I swear. And the thing is, they don’t really talk about anything. Or rather, they talk about the same thing over and over again, without coming to any real conclusion about the whole situation they are in. Talk about turning around the pot! Those two are the embodiment of that expression.

 

So should I be happy I have no relationship? Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I feel so empty, so sad…so needy. How nice would a simple warm touch feel on my skin? Or a chaste kiss on my cheek while my knees turn to jelly? How does it feel to be broken hearted? To sit in the dark, staring at nothing for a day while your mind tried to deny you’ve just been used and dumped? I’ve only my friend’s experiences to rely on, and right now, it’s pretty bad. They’ve been closed up in there for close to two hours now –locking me out of my room in the process- talking. I thought they were over. Through. Apparently not. He still feels way too much for her to let her slip away. And her? She was the one who “dropped the bomb.” I should feel sorry for the guy, and yet, if I even think about him hurting her in any way, I see red, and all sort of scenarios flash before my eyes, all of them involving me bashing the bastard’s brains out in some way or other. She’s my friend. I know she made mistakes, but so does everybody. You hurt her, and your life will be hell, asshole.

See? I’m doing it again. Grrr. I’m not like that usually. I’m very calm and take long to anger, but when it’s about my best friend’s peace of mind and health of heart we’re talking about, you’d better not be playing around, or you’ll have to answer to me. And thus goes away the romantic imaginations and happy feelings. But that’s okay. No it’s not. Damn it. I have to grind my teeth tto stop myself from running back up to that room and make sure she’s okay. Be careful asshole, or my knees will make an acquaintance with your private parts. Calm down. Relax. You have your own problems to deal with. More precisely: your relationship, or rather, the total lack thereof. Back to square one. Do I even want one? Sometimes it really doesn’t seem worth it. At all. *sigh*

It’s so quiet now. The fridge from the ground floor level apartment stopped humming. The lobby is empty and it echoes. It feels strange. It seems that I often get into those weird situations during which I have nothing better to do but reflect on my life.

 

Here we go again. I’m trying to decide whether I’m being nice or if I’m a complete idiot. I went back upstairs a few minutes ago –an hour after coming downstairs- and they are still talking! I mean, they were calm. No yelling. No fighting. No flying objects. I’m starting to get angry here! It’s my room! What are they talking about that they can’t talk about anywhere else? Grrr!!

So yeah, I’m back downstairs. And damn it. Definitely won’t sleep. The fridge is back to its humming. Someone is singing now too! There goes my silence. *sigh* Going back up again. I gave them ten more minutes. They agreed. It’s over! Gah!! Blahhhh…… I’m loosing my mind. I’m sooo booorreddddd…!!!

 

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Shit. How was I supposed to know those noodles were cold!? So now I’m sitting on a windy, cold, roof terrace, back on campus, eating cold noodles and Swedish meatballs. Yay. Does good to your stomach. *grrr*. I’m such an air head sometimes. At least the coco-coffee mix is hot.

Morning classes were over and Aquariel left to… somewhere. He had stuff to do. Beats me. So I lie down on the picnic style bench and bask in the last few sunny rays of the autumn sun. It’s actually quite comfortable, and I lose myself in the orange haze…until a bee brushes my nose and doesn’t want to fly away. Damn you. Go somewhere else! It didn’t listen and continued to bug me. Will everything go against me today?

It seems as if it will, actually.

Back in class half an hour later, I couldn’t sit still. You know, when you are aware that you want to fidget and move around in your seat, and try not to, but then you get aggravated and…what the fuck, I’m trying to inhibit myself! So I kept on taping my foot against the floor, switching positions, banging my pen, sitting up, slouching…

I am never again drinking coffee before class on a practically empty stomach. Nope. I like the tired haze a lot better than this hyper activity in which I am aware of everything that goes around me to a point of going crazy.

And now I am feeling weird. Not really headachy and stomach-achy, but…weird. *sigh* I hope I’m not getting sick.

I can’t complain too much about school though. Not yet. Wait till the finals are here though, and then I’ll rave and rant more than enough. You are being forewarned. Work is another matter altogether. Well, the work itself isn’t too bad. I’m still doing both the desk job and the laboratory one, depending on who needs me at a particular time, so at least I don’t get to see Kito all the time. That is good. It gives me time to think. I still haven’t really figured it out. “It” being anything and everything that concerns him. Perhaps that’s because I’m not too keen on looking at my thoughts. I don’t think that I have to say that I haven’t said a word of this to Aquariel. Yes, he’s my best buddy, but if I am not comfortable listening to myself talking about it, then I definitely won’t be more comfortable telling it to someone else. *sigh* I guess it will take a long time before I finally realize that I’m an idiot and that I should take my life into my hands and do something with it, eh? Nope, the fact that I just said it doesn’t mean my brain actually understands it *grins*. But I guess that although my head didn’t really know what was happening –when did it ever know?- my heart did a little more.

 

~*~*~

 

Tap tap tap tap tap… tap tap… tap tap tap…

I let myself go of the pen before I drove myself crazy. I was supposed to be working. Look look look! Look up, damn you! Was he blind, or simply ignoring me? *sigh* At least I got to look at him all day. *grins* But looking was only good for so long. After a while, my fabulous mind and heart began to clamor for a little bit more. But no. He’ll be a jerk and keep on staring at whatever it is he’s doing. Perhaps he has no peripheral vision? *sigh and groan*. I bang my head on the desk. Ouch. Not that good of an idea. Now I’m miserable and hurt and I’m getting weird looks from my boss. Again. She should have figured out by now that I bang my head on the desk pretty often. Oh oh… she’s coming over and…patting me on the shoulder?

“Don’t worry too much about it kid. I’ll give you an extension on that file. But you better not slack off like that every day, okay?”

Whaaa??... I glance down at the barely started file lying on my desk. The two lines of neat writing were not nearly enough, and I had *gulp* two minutes before lunch to finish writing three more pages. I had the sudden urge to bang myself unconscious.

“Err, thank you so much. I’m sorry. I’ll really try to get this done by the end of lunch,” I managed to choke out.

“See that it’s done before today’s forms get mailed out. Everybody gets a bad day from time to time.” With another pat and a smile, she went back to her desk. Don’t get me wrong now. She wasn’t hitting on me or anything. I mean, she was an old lady, remember? Probably old enough to be my grandmother. Yeah, that’s how old she was. But extremely nice to little kids, and I guess that to her, I fit in that image. *sigh* For once, I couldn’t complain too much about it.

But I could complain to myself about… myself. This was all my fault. I did tell Kito to stop bothering me, and that’s what he was doing. Except for a polite hello when we happened to meet in the elevator a few times, he hasn’t said a word to me. Nor gave me more than a cursory look, either. It was aggravating for some reason. Grrr… okay okay, so I think I like him a little. There, satisfied? Sheesh. Or perhaps it’s just that I’m not getting what I want and I’m frustrated. And college work is starting to fray my nerves. Too much work and too little time. Yes, that’s it. I’m at the end of my rope.

*Sigh*. I have serious issues.

 

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