~Main
~Cast
~Me
Part 3~
Back in my seat in the back of the dark lecture hall, I scowled at the little-looking person at the bottom.
“Do I look interested? Uh?” I was in one of those shity moods, angry at the whole world. Yeah, don’t ask. I was ready to growl and bare my teeth. Taking someone’s head off would have been definitely satisfying. Thankfully for everyone else, I satisfy myself with simply ignoring the remarkably stupid… remarks … spoken from the podium in front of the blackboard. I was dead set to be grumpy all day.
“Hah ha!” Enlightment! Yea right. Feel the sarcasm as it oozes out.
But I had all the good reasons in the world to be in a bad mood. My life was getting worse and worse. I didn’t know it was possible. I don’t really feel like going into the details, but let’s just say that I was very unhappy. The little cash I had saved was running out way too fast and I was just fired from work because the owner of the café went bankrupt. The fact that he apologized and offered me a tiny little bonus in exchange for my apron did not make the looming apartment rent any smaller or –please please please!- disappear. Thus I sold my car. No more wild rides through the country. Anyway, the insurance and gas were way too expansive, and the little cash I got out of the old piece of junk would give me a little time to coast my way through life while looking for another job.
With the lecture hall now completely out of my mind, I softly banged my head against the cool table, staring crossed eyed at the light gray smoothness. Would it surprise you if I told you that it wasn’t even the beginning of my problems? Some are way too personal to talk about, and most are emotional in nature. The fact that I was sitting alone, in a place filled with almost two hundred other students was an indication of my… ineptitude… at being close to someone…or making the first step. And I’m talking about the most platonic of relationships. Concerning either guy or girl. Whichever of the two was easier to approach was yet another of my major problem, if you take my meaning. But then, all my problems seemed major to me. Even the fact that I had forgotten a pen to take notes with and would have to try to remember everything said in this lecture and the next two, since I had no time to go back home. And no, I would not ask someone for a pen. Go figure.
Thinking about “pens” and “asking,” I got a little jolt at the thought of him. Aquariel. Yeah, I knew his name now, and frankly, I didn’t really know what to do with that knowledge. It has been such a long time since I…
I sighed and banged my head softly on the desk again, now squeezing my eyes shut, trying to guard myself against any kind of thoughts. I was confused. Very confused. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. Relax Nat. Take things as they appear. Don’t think too much. Well, that certainly was a good advice since I couldn’t think anyway. So I spent the whole class in staring off into space. Nice, eh? People went out, new ones came in, and I stayed in my seat, not even bothering to look up when the new prof cleared his throat to begin his self-imposed speech. Yeah, I was stuck in the same lecture hall for two classes. Well at least I didn’t have to move –which I definitely wasn’t feeling like doing at the moment-. I stayed exactly in the same position, half listening to the teacher. He was the one with that hypnotic voice. But then, another voice, just as hypnotic, softly breathed into my ear.
“Wake up Nat.” I jumped up…and fell out of my rotating chair. From in between the table’s legs, I could see a few people turn around at the unexpected noise, and my face practically burst into flames. Oh My God. How embarrassing. I waited until everyone's attention was riveted to the prof again before I made my way back up onto my chair, where I proceeded to hunch over and try to disappear. Except that I was met by a soft, choked laughter. What the hell? The blond next to me was holding his sides in hysterics, while tears threatened to spill from his eyes. Grrrr…
“It’s your own damn fault. So shut it,” I managed to growl, but it only made him smirk and laugh a little more. Well, I hope he chokes himself to death then.
“Feel like going out to lunch with me? I don’t like eating alone,” it was his voice again, taking me completely off guard after 45 minutes of relative silence.
“I…err…yeah, why not. I’m hungry.”
“Great!” What did I just do? I began to panic. Relax! Your buddy is taking you out for lunch. No different from two guys going out for a beer. I told you to take things one at a time. Well, here goes one. And you are hungry. Go eat. He will have too much on his plate to bite you. Ha. How did my mind come up with such corny advice? I sighed and followed him out of the class into the relatively warm end of summer noon. No wait. October was already fall, right? Blah.... We paid for our food and he took me to a table for two, near the corner of the cafeteria, well out of the way.
“Ready for that test in o-chem?” I almost choked on the huge bite I had just taken out of my lasagna. Gaaah.
“What?! When!?”
“Next Friday. You really don’t listen in class, do you? And I just thought you were pretending,” he laughed softly, obviously thinking it hilarious for some reason.
“It was your own damn fault today. You scared the hell out of me.”
“Oh, did I? Then you should be as innocent as an angel!” I snorted and glared, wishing for those laser eyes in sci-fi movies to kill him with. Why was he so annoying sometimes? And why did I keep seeing him then if he bothered me so much? I didn’t want to answer that. So I just kept eating and talking with him.
~*~*~
At this point in the story, it may seem a little weird to tell you that but it’s hard to tell you about my life, and thus write this story, if I don’t talk about what the big problem is. I mean, this is what this whole thing is about. No, not the job or the money, or rather the lack thereof. It was… -sigh- I never knew warmth and love, and yet, without being able to recognize it, I knew that I desperately needed it. You could say I was lovesick. I know, I know, you’ll say that I had it going good. I had an apartment all for my own; I had food, and an education. I was alive. But I was lonely. And that hurt more than a lot of much more concrete things out there. I didn’t have siblings, I’ve been a single child with a family that you couldn’t really call by that name. My mother left me and my dad when I was too young to remember her, and my dad never really was a father figure of any kind. He never was home. I’ve practically raised myself up. You could say I had a lot of freedom, I would say I had a lot of cold and lonely nights, wondering if there was anyone out there who would ever care for me.
And I still do.
And no, friendships do not make up for it. Partly because I don’t have any, partly because it is not the same thing. I read once that if you lost your own hearth-fire, that's no reason why you can't warm yourself at the hearths of your friends. But my fire is sputtering out and I am lost in the hypnotic red glow of the last dying ambers. I don’t…I just can’t… Shit. I never learned how to get along with people. There was no one to teach me. Definitely not “dad.” At first, everything was fine. I had my books, and my climbing when I was bored, and school occupied the rest of my time. But there came times when I got that empty filling in my gut, when I would wonder why I never went out to see movies with friends, or why no one ever came to my house to talk or have a sleep over. Most of the times, I managed to get the feeling away. But then, it came more often and for longer periods of time. It just grew on me, and I couldn’t shake it off. I also didn’t do anything about it. I was frozen, desperatly wanting someone to get me out of this hole, but unable or perhaps unwilling to ask for help.
So here you have my half of the story. It’s pretty pathetic, when I look back at it during my good days. But perhap you now have a better knowledge of what makes me… “me.” –Sigh-. Yeah, it also sounds very cliché, but may I remind you that clichés are so much in use because they do have a grain of truth in them?
Was this whole declaration as out of the blue as it seemed to me? I apologize if it was, but heck, I needed to tell it to someone and Aquariel definitly wasn’t the best of choices. Don’t get me wrong. He was a great guy and a great friend but… I somehow couldn’t unburden my life problems to him. It just didn’t feel right.
What’s worse, however, was that having him always close to me incessantly reminded me of that void in the pit of my stomach. I tried to fill it up by spending time with him –I did spend a few hilarious and enjoyable moments in his company- but when I was back in my apartment, alone, in the darkness, I often felt very depressed. It came to the point that I couldn’t hide it from him. Believe me I tried; I don’t like showing my weaknesses to anyone. But I guess it was a failed attempt, doomed from the start.
“Yo, what’s eating you up?”
“Nuthing,” I kept on looking at my bowl of cereal while my hand propped up my head at a precarious angle. Yeah, I ate cereals for lunch, then a cheese and ham sandwich with a huge pickle, and no, I am not pregnant.
“Cheer up then, or you’ll fall into your bowl and drown in the inch of milk and soggy cereals you have left.” Aquariel voiced his opinion way too cheerfuly as he ruffled my hair and sat down in front of me.
I didn’t even feel like answering with my usual “not the hair, not the hair! Dude!” I couldn’t care less at this time. For once, ‘Riel took some pity of my mangled hair-do and smoothed it down to its original fashion… and I kept on staring at my bowl, trying not to think about anything.
So yeah, I wasn’t too happy that day. Nor the ones that followed. *shakes head in reminescence* I’m such an idiot. Did I ever tell you that? No? Well, now I just did. *sigh* I needed to do something. I needed a way out. A few days later, I finally find one.
~*~*~