Welcome to the Otter, a window into the mind of one hopelessly directionless man.....and sometimes the minds of people he knows. To those of you who have been waiting a long time for the unveiling of this site let me say thank you for your patience and that swimming an ocean is toughest when you first leave the beach. To those who are coming to us without any prior knowledge of what we do here....exercise patience! I don't always make sense. Hopefully we will get you thinking or at least make you smile a little. And now the Otter's thoughts on.......
More cowbell!
If it needs more cowbell, it's your fault.
So click the cowbell. Please?
You can't win them all
My lame joke of the day for yesterday (failed joke attempt from last night)....
Me "Somebody should make a museum for wheelchairs and stuff. They can call it the PARAMUSEUM!"
Them: [crickets chirping]
Me "God damn it".
...
Me: "Like "paramysium", get it?"
Them: "Yah....still."
Stand-up Otter 07-24-2008
Otter Thought
Guys,
There is no "axe effect".
Sorry,
Just Otter 01-17-2008
Otter.com: Still home to the Kevin Costner scale!
Hi. I’m well, thanks. Came back to an old thought that I come back to about every third time I listen to a classic rock station on the radio because this song is played so often. Fleetwood Mac. I don’t like them at all. But the one song they do that has the lyric “sings a song sounds like she’s singing, hoot baby hoot baby hooo”. …..wtf? Is that like, “rides a bike looks like he’s pedaling”? Or “paints with blue paint the wall looks blue”? or more directly “drives a car looks like he drivin!”…..you get the point. I double-hate that song.
Something worse? Smashing Pumpkins singing that dreadful “Landslide” song. Old news. I know this. But….man is that bad.
I wouldn’t be surprised if I have already posted this thought. If so, it needed saying again.
Music Critic Otter 04-12-2007
Where The Otter Takes A Stand
Otter.com: Still home to the Kevin Costner scale!
Incensed Otter 02-16-2007
The Otter Waxes Political
[Still feeling political but not so clever after writing this. Don't bother reading. Nothing new]
Election theory: if you want more oversight in government and don't like how things are going....you've already won. The Republicans are on notice. They are already starting to police themselves.
I also think that if the Democrats win they could be in bad shape for the Presidency in 08. If nothing gets done then it's so easy to say "hey we gave them a shot and got nowhere".
Honestly back when I was much more of a Democrat I got worn out by the Clinton scandal and all the Republican banter about it and by the time Bush was running I was like, "hell give them a chance". They got it and I am not thrilled with the results. So I guess the pendulum swings back the other way. Viva la wrecking ball. .....Can't we do better?
Politically-Inclined Otter 11-06-2006
The Otter wins, because he never wants for the funny.
I think I may be my own favorite writer. Do you ever read this stuff? It's goddamn funny! I must forget half of it just minutes after I send it to the One Editor and rarely visit the site since I figure I wrote (most of) it, so reading it is pointless. Not so! I'm reading and I am laughing. Win-win.
Does saying this make me an ass?
Follow up: am I just an ass anyway?
...You don't know! Don't presume you do, richard. :|
"All you know about me's what I've sold ya, dipshit". (Tool) \m/ You're just some random blog reader (yes, I have faced up to the fact that this is a blog... It was supposed to be so much more. :(
Yet my time gets more and more limited everyday. Take this past weekend for an example. I took off on Monday and Tuesday to relax. Instead, the Otter family bought a puppy. Now I have a son in diapers and a puppy pissing every third minute. I barely stop to eat. I'll probably get called skinny again soon. Whoever does it gets swatted.
...What was I talking about? Oh! you are just a blog reader. Blog readers live on their abilities to take haphazardly-constructed content and fluff it into a national crisis. So I put little value on your opinion right now. Wait... that's another assumption. But seriously, if you read this blog you are probably a moron, right? It's not me, it's you.
PS to One Editor (and/or anyone else who might be reading this) is making fun of a fictious audience funny? [Ed. Note: Yes].
...And if you aren't the One Editor and you are reading this... wow! thanks for spending your time on my junk.
J'Accuse! Otter 10-26-2006
The Kevin Costner Scale…
Feast your eyes on the Kevin Costner rating system! The premise is that just about all Kevin Costner movies are terrible, but some are more terrible than others... Rate stuff using this scale, and voila:
Instant comedy gold! It's like instant oatmeal, but less disgusting to hold in your hand.
This was going to take all his movies and rank them altogether, but really, getting consensus on Kevin Costner movies is impossible. Arguments get heated, broken dishes everywhere, someone threw a shoe, feelings in tatters, eye gouging... it was a nightmare. Anyhoo, here is the mostly complete Kevin Costner scale:
The Untouchables
No Way Out
Silverado
...
Revenge
Perfect World
The Big Chill (he's the dead guy. Dead Costner is good Costner)
Wyatt Earp
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Fandango
American Flyers
Tin Cup
Dances With Wolves
JFK
Bull Durham
...
3,000 Miles to Graceland
The Dragonfly
The Bodyguard
The Postman
Waterworld
Don't ask us to explain the gaps, because we're not turning back. This is the express to Vegas, baby!
Argumentative Otter 10-25-2006
Shiniest object ever…
Otter v2.0 10-17-2006
Consider This...
Why do people take chances… skydiving and racing cars or riding motorcycles, stuff like that?
Because they are afraid of dying of pancreatic cancer.
Run it through. I'm right. This is the most sure I've been about anything in years.
Otter Whose Wisdom Is Only Exceeded By His Power 08-18-2006
Achtung!
The Otter just read this article: Link
Summary: Sen. George Allen makes up a nickname for a guy of Indian descent who follows his campaign around for the opposite political party and that name happens to be a word that means monkey. Here's a quote, "Let's give a welcome to Macaca, here," Allen said. "Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia". He then explains to us that, despite anyone's reasonable assessment of those comments, he isn't a racist.
What is a racist? Is it even possible to be one anymore? Seems you can make some incredibly racist comments and still not be a racist these days. Do Klans-men make the same claims? "Sorry about the burning cross in your yard, mister, please don't judge me!". I bet they do. At least to themselves. Furthermore I bet they believe it. I bet George does too.
Hard Hitting, Issues-Oriented Otter 08-16-2006
¡El Updateo!
Another example of my mind wandering way off track.
While busy at work (seriously busy) a thing occurred to me. Actually two things, but they are related… I think.
A) Your chances of getting prostate cancer go up with age.
B) The amount of carnal happenings tends to decrease with age.
C) There is (wait, no it’s 3 things!) an old addage: “Use it or lose it.”
D) Profit. (the joke that never gets old!)
Back to work! Sorry bosses! (…he says as he sends this from his work account)
Gonzo Otter 08-11-2006
Consider This!
Bumper sticker spotted on a large pickup truck: “Cowboy Up”. What’s that mean? I assume it’s a hip redneck term. When did rednecks start wanting to do anything hip? Isn’t the point of being a redneck to avoid being hip?
In related news: I Hate (capital H for emphasis) pop-country music. I shouldn’t have to explain that.
Honky Tonk Otter 06-23-2006
Shock and Awe!
Newtonian Otter 06-16-2006
BAM!
Hi. Long time listener, first time caller... it is not OK for you to clip your nails at your desk. Ever. K.
In happier news, there is a lake near my home. Said lake has been the subject of serious clean up efforts over the past several years and one result of that effort is... you guessed it, RIVER OTTERS! They have returned. Where had they gone?
I plan to attempt to make contact next weekend. Stay tuned!
Giddy Otter 06-12-2006
:|
Ironically, you have to be fairly intelligent to understand Forrest Gump's catch phrase; "stupid is as stupid does".
For kicks: Ask a few people to explain it.
That's all I've got.
Pensive Otter 03-10-2006
Jaguar Shark
Lo! M. Zissou. That's a mighty fine helmet you've got there.
Steve Otter 02-25-2006, aboard The Belafonte
Why Not?
Doors to public restrooms should open out. You pull on the way in and push your way out. First of all it helps avoid collisions with people in a hurry to get the job done who slam through the push type doors. Second you don't have to touch that handle that the "I don't wash my hands and get sick" crowd uses. Just throw your shoulder in and you avoid all that unpleasantness. Note to people who shop at Granger: Get 'er done.
The Otter Knows 01-26-2006
The Pakaria Conundrum
Upon further reflection I have come to the conclusion that I am one dumb son of a monkey.
That's all.
Although my goaltending is pretty sweet.
Never mind. Just having second thoughts on a trade I just made.
FYI, I spend way too much time with fantasy hockey these days. Way up from the "none" I spent last time.
Oh, true story...
I just laughed so hard that I literally made myself cry due to a thought I just had, under odd circumstances. While I was filling out a W-4 (to add the new kid), I realized I needed to use the rest room. These two thoughts/activities got together in the cess pool that sits on my shoulders and reverberated as, "wouldn't it be funny if when I had to go to the bathroom I said, "I have to go check on my backupwitholding."
It may only be funny to me because I work in Accounting but man did that funny hit hard.
Sadly, I can't spell "cess" as in "cess pool" well enough for spell-check to help me out. :(
No joke,
The Shiny Object 10-26-2005
(Just kidding! It is I -- The Otter! I am trying out a nom de plume. If you like it, you can e-mail me at The Shiny Object). If not, forget I asked.)
Special message to any Chinese Food peddlers out there:
Add Bourbon Chicken to your menu.
Yes, I know it isn't technically Chinese food but it is quite similar if you think about it.
More importantly, the white man loves it.
Even more pertinent, I love it.
You want my dollars.
Do it. Have your operators standing by. I'll be calling.
Oh, and f anyone who uses a blog as a source for anything.
Outside of advice for their menu of course.
Seriously, :|
Gourmet Otter 10-21-2005
This shouldn't bother me.
But it does.
In a Rush song, Geddy Lee says, "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice."
While the statement is logically true and mildly clever it is also rather pointless and super annoying for some reason. I realize I wave the nonsense flag all the time and I also understand that lyrics are difficult to write and probably shouldn't be taken too seriously in most cases but still I feel strongly angered when I hear that song. Fortunately it is played all the time on the local classic rock station. So I have that going for me.
My thoughts go out to the people of the Gulf states. Hang in there as best you can.
Sincerely,
Serious Otter 09-02-2005
Yet another update, yo
Would it not be refreshing if a talented rapper bucked the system and went by a normal name yo?
Sincerely,
Oh-Tee Otter 07-20-2005
Otter hypothesis on reaching your peak.
Simple. I think guys reach their physical peak/prime when they reach the age their father was when they were born. Some guys are at their best before they get out of high school. Others take much longer. I think my dad was about 34 or 35 when I was born and I feel stronger than I ever have.
I would appreciate feedback: megatroll@gmail.com
Professor Otter 07-19-2005
Bizarro World Update
The All New Otter Beer Gut Theory!
This thought came to me while pondering why people feel the need to ridicule the Otter's inability to act unaffected by large amounts of alcohol.
I have basically come up with a way of thinking that both makes me feel superior to the common man and takes away joy from my detractors.
Here it goes, my new theory:
I now believe that alcohol tolerance is directly tied to rate of metabolism (that might not be new) in that a person with a high metabolism would be affected more quickly and with a lesser amount of alcohol than someone with a slow metabolism (even excluding weight as a factor even though the two sort of go hand in hand). I might be on to new idea territory with the next part.....I think that as you increase your alcohol tolerance, you conversely slow your metabolism. I further think it may be a bigger factor than calories in the process of gaining a beer gut.
So mock not my giddiness you lushes for to do so is to mock your own tummy.
Zen Otter 06-24-2005
Corporate 0, Nature 1
Update from corporate land. We have a coy pond now. It is designed to help employees cope with constant budget cuts. Hell of a tradeoff for bonuses right?
As is the case with most coy ponds ours is stocked with big orange coy fish. Really big.
We also have a manmade lake. Also there to keep us pacified I suppose. .....that should be enough background.
So around this time of year there's this crane that hangs out in our lake. Tall lanky bird that eats....fish. Guess what it did.
...it found the pond!
One 14 inch fish down already and he's stalking the rest, looking a lot like the Otter in line at Chipotle.
The facilities team is devising plans. stay tuned.....(eklund style!....which is a joke for hockey fans, fyi)
Environmentally Sensitive Otter 06-15-2005
Hearken to Me, Peoples! Hearken, damnit!
Chill. The Otter likes his water warm.
Today in the USA Today newspaper there is a headline that reads: "The debate's over: Globe is warming."
The article that follows shows proof that the average temperature of the earth is going up, especially at the poles.
I agree that arguing that point is senseless. However, the cause of that increase (they say it's greenhouse gases) and the notion that we should be doing something about it are debatable in my opinion.
Why do I believe this? Because I just took Geology. In doing so I learned that the earth's temperature and the amount of ice at it's poles are constantly rising and falling. There are several reasons for it. Slight variations in our orbit is one I can remember. There are a couple more that have already escaped my synapses.
Moreover I distinctly remember hearing the teacher say we were coming out of a mini-ice age. She, like the good folks at USA Today, had proof. Not only was there a graph of the rise and fall of sea-level there to back her up, she also had a painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware river....through chunks of ice. Now granted it was a painting and not a photo but it seems that things were quite a bit cooler back in the end of the 18 hundreds. Geologic time scale is ponderously slow by our standards so I am thinking the increase in temperature might just be a continuation of our rise out of that mini ice age.
I should add that my teacher wasn't talking about global warming when she told me about the mini-ice age and she seems to be at least part hippie so she probably disagrees with where I went with this.
Edumacated Otter 06-14-2005
Paper Otter Reprise!
Still much like the regular Otter -- But it's on paper. Still ottering out!
Paper Otter
Like the regular Otter, except on paper.
I used pencil for the part about the "Otter Wheelhouse" and it's hard to read. In brief: I am hoping to build a tree fort for my daughter.
My initial plan (the hard to read part) was rather ambitious and involved a bicycle powered crane. I have since backed off that (crane) idea but still plan to build a tree fort and to chronicle the construction here. I hope to have lots of pictures and maybe some video. Should be silly.
Extemporaneous Otter! 05-08-2005
Attention!
Happy birthday to the One Editor from the Otter.
More later if technology permits.
Congratulatory Otter 04-04-2005
Revenge of the Otter!
[Ed. Note: Did you think the Otter was gone? Ha! The Otter was merely ottering out over Spring Break... that and due to circumstances outside the Otter's control, the editor was, er, slacking. Bad Ed. Much backlog to post, though, so everyone wins. And now, your Daily Otter.]
BAM! I am back. You may now go on living.
I have already written much to share with you but first I must tell you this little revelation I had.
I am on the do not call list. It must be this way or I would end up talking to sales people for hours. I simply have too much to say to them when they call. Anyway, Bank of America lost a bunch of data a while back. SSN and phone numbers and account numbers and other fun stuff. My stuff. ....asshats. :|
OK, so far we have 1) me on do not call list and 2) bank of America sharing my info. Now. A week ago, I got a call from Bank of America wanting to survey me about their service. I thought I should tell them I thought it sorta sucked considering they gave away my info but I had no time so I told them I couldn't talk just then.
New regulations for telemarketing types force them to put a return number on the caller ID screen. It was a 602 number and it said "market solutions". Then a few days later I see "market solutions on the phone as we get a call here at the Otter house and my wife picks it up. I say "tell them they suck for giving out our info". She doesn't. She just hangs up on them. But she is confused. She wonders why I said that. Turns out it was some sort of other survey. Not bank of America.
So here's my thought...and I am calling Bank of America to share this thought: either "market solutions" stole Bank of America's data or they at least received it and are using it to call people OR I am totally wrong. But if I am wrong "market solutions" is at least guilty of calling people on the do not call list. They face the wrath of Otter.
More updates coming soon. I went low tech and have been writing freehand in my school notebooks. My brother is going to scan them in today. I tried yesterday but couldn't get the all-in-one to beam me the pictures. Stupid all-in-one.
I thought about having my brother who just returned from Tibet with new found knowledge of the ancient art of Flash animation to make my low tech notes into a state of the art animation that you could flip through but then I thought out loud, "A) it would take him too long and B) would it really help?" So I think I will just have the One Editor post them.
Pensive Otter 03-24-2005
The Otter Turns One Year Old!
[Ed. Note: Yes, the Otter is one. All praise the Otter. And now, an Otter update:]
Editor Otter 01-15-2005
Check me out! I am on a precipice! and planning on jumping no less!
Today is my last day of work before my hiatus. I will be riding my savings and going to school full time this semester. Mostly I am taking things I should have taken years ago.....Geology, another Spanish class (Hola muchachos!), a couple of Greek Literature classes (so I can ruin every movie I ever thought had a clever plot by finding out they stole it from mythology I suppose) and some other class I will remember sometime before Monday with any luck. Chances are that given the fact that these are mostly core classes that most folks take early in their college careers I will be surrounded by college freshmen. Did I mention I turn 30 tomorrow?
Prepare for hilarity to ensue. If nothing else, I will be performing a Triple-Lindy during my exams.
Sincerely,
The Honorable, Thorton Mellon Otter
oh, and my hockey team won last night in a close game. We kick ass.
Note to Steph: that dude who was paid by the Bush administration to talk up the No Child Left Behind program was represented by Ketchum. Get me the inside scoop. Thanks.
The Otter 01-21-2005
I'm Not Dead!
[Ed. Note: Merry 2005! The Otter is on sabbatical but will return to your regularly scheduled Otter.com as soon as humanly possible. He sends this note: "Hello, my loyal readers! I wish I was writing more. I think I will try to pick a day of the week to set aside some ottering time while I am in school. Perhaps lunch hour on Tuesdays for instance."
For now, enjoy a tribute to the Cassini-Huygens mission.]
Editor Otter 1-14-2005
Open Letter to Val Kilmer
Hey Val, we get it. You like drugs. You can stop now. You could have just said so.
I only wish I could have thought of this before the Doors.......before that episode of Entourage.....before you played John Holmes in that stupid movie that was on HBO the other night.
Enough Val. Enough.
.....Actually Val, no more acting. Just hang out and get high. Overdose if the spirit moves you.
Preachy Otter 12-15-2004
Use your head lady!
Ninety something percent of household dust is comprised of dead skin cells......and you're about to buy an "exfoliant" soap?
I don't think it's neccessary sister.
Then again, maybe you could save money on vacuum bags! I need a research team.
Reminder: "Add to favorites"
We're going to say something brilliant any day now and you don't want to have to email me asking for the URL....again!
Exasperated Otter 12-08-2004
Consider This
Does it strike anyone else as odd that a show decrying the commercialization of Christmas is now being shown in a one hour time block, despite the fact that it's only half an hour long?
norske 12-07-2004
Bah Humbug!
I do not recall what Cher said she would do if she could turn back time but I have a pretty good idea what I would do: ask the Beach Boys to consider not making Christmas music.
Maybe if I were in Hawaii.........no. Still bad.
Ornery Otter 12-06-2004
Otter Thoughts
While rummaging through the internet today in search of.......I don't remember what for but clearly I got off track......I found this:
Clearly, there is a place for me somewhere. See:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM AND BRYAN!
Yes, by odd coincidence a miracle happened and my brother was born on my mother's birthday. Fate smiled and said, "Happy birthday...here's your labor!"
Wistful Otter! 12-02-2004
Consider... TiddlyWinks
TiddlyWinks is a game of finesse and strategy, requiring a discerning eye and not a little dissimulation.
It can also be a lot of fun for Otters. Bam!
You sunk my battleship!
(Ed: TiddlyWinks can also save your hide if you get backed into an alley fight with a gang of ne'er-do-wells and rapscallions.
Also useful against Wehrmacht Panzer tanks.)
Try this! Every time you are reading an email and you encounter an exclamation point, throw both of your hands up in the air like you just scored an important goal. It's great!
Gamer Otter! 11-23-2004
Riddle me this, Otter!
Why is it that every time a lady's face shows up in a piece of cheese sandwich...
...it has to be the Virgin Mary?
Couldn't it be some other lady? Because I don't like thinking that the Virgin Mary would decide to choose the form of a cheese sandwich to make her return to the living. I am just not comfortable with that. It's the sort of thing Susan Sarandon will probably try to do after she dies. Not on par with Mary!
Peeved Otter! 11-22-2004
Consider This
Want to feel better?
Do that thing you have been putting off since April. I just did and I feel swell.
Remember when you were young and (hopefully) always happy? Well, I have a feeling that has something to do with the fact that everything you did back then was done immediately. You didn't plan anything and never had to look back on things you hadn't done. I bet that's why you were happy. Conversely, it's the lack of immediacy in your current situation that's bringing you down. Go do something cool. Now.
Stuart Smalley Otter! 11-19-2004
Pondering
So I'm at work doing some.....work when all of a sudden I remember, "Hey Otter, you have a website!"
Wait. .......that's a lie. I got an email from the One editor (Ed: Hi mom! w00t) that said I should update my website. I agreed.
Anywho, I started thinking, "what should I write about today?" and then it quickly occurred to me that I had not informed you of my master plan!
Master plan:
1) Finish school
2) ?
3) Profit!
It's a decent joke and deserves stealing once in a while!
OK, I'm off topic again (and in only a few short sentences!) I.....am going back to school! I have been a bottom rung accountant filing clerk dork who wears a tie every day for 4 years. I am twenty something credits from a bachelors degree. I ottered into a bunch of money this year (long story...another time) and I don't seem to be progressing at a decent rate on my present "take a course per semester" plan.
So I pulled my records and it turns out most of what I need are freshmen level classes! 30 year old freshman! prepare for stories! prepare yourself for an otter doing a triple lindy!
Update:
I just spent 20 minutes licking envelopes and I'm all fired up for school now! Come on January 26th!
Yet another update!
I just found a bottle with a sponge top that is designed to eliminate the need for licking envelopes and I am now on top of the world!
-- I love it when a plan comes together Otter! 11-17-2004
9 out of 10 nonconformists agree: Harley Davidson motorcycles are cool ......but not as cool as the custom choppers made on tv shows. 10 out of 10 like those.
One more quick non-otter thing. I'm happy because Team Pilsner will be playing in the "gold" league. I'm sorta bummed that I am not one of the "Smiths" that are the reason why. Apparently some guy named Andrew Smith as well as Aaron Smith are why the silver league is scared. ......So I will have to make a name for myself upon arrival.
Too busy to write a header Otter! 9-10-2004
Angry Otter!
Casual Fridays piss me off. Mostly because it points out the converse. .....I may have already written about this....a fact that is not going to stop me!
So anyway, The Man says it's ok for the Otter to not wear a tie on Fridays in the summertime. Why does he do this? Because he thinks not wearing a tie will improve morale. Because it will make me happy, he thinks. Well Mr. Man, does that mean you do not want me to be happy on Monday, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and the shit of a day I call Thursdays? And for that matter, do you want me to be unhappy throughout the Fall, Winter and ensuing Spring? I think it does. I think you are an ass Mr. Man. So a hearty "F you" to casual Fridays from the Otter. I'm wearing tube socks tomorrow. :|
This is how angry I am. This is my clam, you donkey! Stay away from my clams!
Angry Otter! 9-02-2004
[Ed. The Man thought the Otter would like to know that at his office, the norm is business casual/client support. So it's always casual Friday. O'Doyle Rulez! This message has been brought to you by The Man. Eat Snacky Smores.]
Completely random thought!
The Friday the 13th movies are always finding new and exciting ways for people to die. I have one. Powerwasher! Those things can cut! and imagine the pain! ow! people would cringe in the theatre like they did back in the day! it could save the genre!
Brainstorming Otter 08-25-2004
My ideal job
I don't have a clue what it would be. But I figure it would involved putting on a helmet like they have on attack helicopters and there would be tons of flashy lights on my desk. Or perhaps I could just be a park ranger. I like outside. But poison ivy finds me attractive. and the God damned mosquitoes! why do they love me? I show them no respect. maybe mosquitoes are like battered woman. my otter hits me but he love me!
I get a lot of really good emails from my friends. I should change format and make the Otter turn into "the best email I got today". it would be a better site. today it would be "........" damn, I am looking through today's crop and finding nothing too great. but normally I have something. I swear.
Classifieds Section Otter 08-17-2004
I want a New Orleans funeral, motherfuckers!
In case it comes up......if I die. I want a raucous funeral. And I don't want to wear an f'ing tie to it. And I want the cheapest casket legally allowed. Or burn me, I don't care.
Try to get the Black Crowes to reunite to play it but if not, a cover band is fine.
Fight over my stuff. But don't give up my GMAIL account.
Macabre Otter 08-17-2004
You are what you eat. And I grew up on a steady diet of 70's sploitation TV. I got Hollywood's version of the South from the Dukes of Hazard and the wacky world of black America from the Jeffersons. So it is with a heavy heart that I must give tribute to Louise "Weezie" Jefferson today 7-12-4. She was 86. Her beans never burned on the grill. That ain't nothing wrong with that.
Sigh.
Otter 07-12-2004
Look away or your day will be ruined!...
...George Michael's "Careless Whisper."
Enjoy.
Evil Otter! 07-06-2004
Details
A few days ago down at the Little Creek School for Beavers With Disabilities, a large rabid raccoon burst into the 2nd grade class and started biting the little retarded beavers. The teacher of the class was an otter. Clever by nature, the Otter took decisive action.
She quickly waddled her little otter feet over to the pen where the class kept its pet Alpaca and let it loose. Alpacas are like llamas but different somehow. They are highly attuned to helping retarded beavers learn arithmetic but they smell awful and have a snooty French look to them most of the time. Well, as we all know, Beavers hate Alpacas. So when the large rabid raccoon saw the alpaca loose and headed for him, it rolled over on it's back and played dead. Authorities came and disposed of the raccoon and gave the retarded beavers lollipops to keep them from crying so much.
Well, the media loves retarded beaver stories so they came out in droves. The story of the rabid raccoon was broadcast worldwide and published in hundreds of newspapers. However, when the TV broadcasts and newspaper articles got to the part where the raccoon surrendered they all said, "The raccoon was subdued by a clever otter". Almost none of them mentioned the alpaca.
It is pretty well accepted that Alpacas occasionally trample people when they aren't leashed properly and they certainly smell bad and aren't much to look at but shouldn't it be included in the story that the Alpaca helped save the day? Seriously. Don't let your opinions on livestock get in the way of telling the story if you want me to consider you journalists. Asses.
I hear you thinking, "Otter, what are you talking about?"
Check this out: In January 2002, some donkey went back to the law school that had kicked him out and started shooting people. He was stopped by some students who happened to have guns of their own with them. There were literally hundreds of articles about the story. Almost none (less than 10 of the over 200 I think) mentioned that the heroes had guns.
A gun rights activist named John Lott has written about it extensively and has compiled the news stories about it. Here is a link to his compilation......
Otter, 07-02-2004
Directed by HD, Produced by Ivan Drago.
|
From: Bruce Dickenson To: themagicotter@yahoo.com Subject: This is what it would look like if you got mail! Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 16:41:40 -0400 |
Hi Otter,
I love your website, it is so cool. How do you come up with all this
great stuff? I sure
wish I was as cool as you Otter. Please send me an
autographed picture.
Thanks,
Otter
This is the most recent email I have received. The Otter is feeling the sad.
Lonely Otter, 06-29-2004
Achtung!
Andy Kaufman. Alive or dead? I heard he is alive and living quietly in New York but then I heard that was just a hoax.
Someone email me some clarity! I will post it here to help the others.
Thanks.
Curious Otter, 06-28-2004
Trust the Man?
I don't. Why? Not more than a month ago we found out that killings in Iraq were down, and they actually meant to say "up." And today we get, "Oops, did we say the economy was kicking ass?.....we forgot to say "sorta." Asses.
These same guys told us a man landed on the moon! CRAZY!
Fox Mulder Otter, 06-25-2004
June Twenty Something Pale Man Speak
A poem by your otter.
If the elevator tries to break you down......can you keep it any more real than a skinny white kid playing guitar in the suburbs?
huh playa?
can you?
The answer is no and I know it the most.
So when that elevator does finally try to break you down
What are you going to do?
You're going to go crazy.
Let's get nuts.
Hey man. You aren't the only one who lost his Indian Drum. Difference is....
I looked skyward before I made a dick of myself.
Robert Burns Otter, 06-24-2004
PS: Sir, I ottered out completely for about a minute and the result is an otter poem!
Is food better for you if you cook it yourself?
My wife and I don't cook much. We eat out quite often and eat plenty of fast food. We are not healthy eaters. People are always telling us we need to cook more.
So every now and again we cook. We cook pasta and then put tons of cheese on it. We make tacos with sour cream and....cheese. That meat is surely full of fat. We make a salad and put Ranch dressing on it. But the outside world is all excited about it. "Oh look, they cooked!" "I'm so glad to see you cooking!" "Look they are doing what I said they should and that is terribly f'ing important!"
Not knocking cooks. I wish I had more time to cook and knew how to do it well.
But I hate the outside world.
Leave us alone.
We'll eat what we want.
Super Angry Otter, 06-22-2004
Inconceivable!
I listened to Pearl Jam & Slayer on the way in today.
......and now I have the Dixie Chicks' "Goodbye Earl" in my head.
How does that happen?
Justin Otter, 06-22-2004
We're going global!
Come one, come all! Step right up, boys and germs, and visit the Otter's new message boards: Otter Nonsense! Get it? It's all about Otters, it's utter nonsense. Otter Nonsense! Genius!
The link is provided in the upper right-hand corner. Click... if you dare!
Mass Media Otter, 06-21-2004
Behind the Scenes at the Otter
When British people add the words, "at all" to questions, are they aware that I laugh at them?
"Is the Otter here at all?"
"Yes, mostly he is around but I think his right arm stayed home today. Mostly..."
I always wonder what percentage constitutes a "yes". For instance, "well, there is enough forensic evidence to prove he has been here so part of him I suppose is here."
Just me?
Curious Otter, 06-20-2004
Potentially interesting typo (didn't happen, it would just be weird if it did):
"I was riding my popcycle....."
No point. It just came to me.
....Sorry to have wasted your time.
Horace, file this under, "updates that just weren't good enough to upload"
weak!
Editor's Note: Overruled. That was hella funny, dude.
Funny even when he doesn't know it Otter, 06-16-2004
Love pretzels but can't have them because you are on a diet?
Just lick the salt off! Go on, try it. All the taste is on the outside! No need to actually eat them!
Inventive Otter, 06-15-2004
A Very Special Episode of the Otter
The Otter staff would like to remind you that if you that you have an open invite to write a story for us to share with the international community via the web. Email us at themagicotter@yahoo.com.
Caring Otter, 06-13-2004
Cooking with the Otter
My lack of attention to detail and/or my idiocy has led to personal discovery!
The guys down in the cafeteria had a new shaker of Italian seasoning next to the parmesan cheese and red pepper they have by the pizza.
I like Italian seasoning so I grabbed a couple slices and poured it on heavily. It tasted wonderful!
I did it again today but as I did some other guy came along and poured it on his fries and proceeded to tell me that it was Old Bay seafood seasoning.
Old Bay Pizza:
Slice of plain pizza
2 tablespoons of parmesan
3 tablespoons Old Bay
Bone petite!
Gourmand Otter, 06-11-2004
The Greatest Fighter of All Time and How His Story was Saved
Throughout his fighting career, he never lost that we know of despite the daunting list of opponents he faced. Incredibly, he was forced to retire because nobody would even consider fighting him after a while due to the inevitable humiliation they were sure they would suffer. His record legendary, became part of American folk lore. Generation after generation passed his story down to their kids.
However, modern distractions such as radio, hula hoops and later television kept his story out of popular culture for the better part of the twentieth century.
Until a young musician from Brooklyn got lost while hiking the Appalachian trail.
Confused and hungry he was found lying off the trail by some local hills men. They nourished him, brought him back to health and finally just before they drove him in the community pickup truck down to the nearest township, they told him the story of the greatest fighter of all time.
The musician from the big apple was thankful and inspired by the story and when he wrote his next song he wove the story of the greatest fighter ever into the brilliant lyrics.
That musician, John Flanssburgh of They Might Be Giants. The song, Particle Man.
The Greatest Fighter of All Time: Triangle Man
Don't believe the story, ask the band. Email TMBG here.
Coming soon: You all know Triangle Man was a winner but do you know why?
Horace: check out TMBG.com. It is fabulous.
Ottering-Out Otter, 06-10-2004
Otter Out!
I just read the tree rant for the first time. I'm worried about Emmett's landscaping project. Is that going ok?
Concerned Otter, 06-09-2004
Belinda Carlisle Appreciation Day
Today is Belinda Carlisle appreciation day on the Otter. Intermittent daydreaming is encouraged but not required. Plan accordingly.
Dignified Otter, 06-09-2004
Plato's Lost Dialogue
Bruce Dickenson:
Dude, how great is it that the Budweiser ad guys have added a donkey as a
spokesman? Rhetorical question. It is very great.
Horace:
This is quite true. I see that the lizards are back. I like those lizards. Dry sense of humor, wot? They seem to be going after the President of Beers ads pretty hard. Thought those were kind of funny, myself...
Bruce Dickenson:
Focus! Back to the donkey, you donkey!
Horace:
Burdleflickle! (...pause...) What about a talking Otter as a spokesman?
Bruce Dickenson:
Fine. That's fine.
Musings, 6-04-2004
Little ditty 'bout Jack and Diane.
Actual names have been changed to protect Jack's sorry ass from deserved abuse.
Jack and Diane got married a month or so before my wife and I did. It was a fantastic wedding with awesome appetizers and they were a lovely couple.
A year ago, Jack and Diane had a daughter we'll call Karen. Lovely little bundle of joy. My wife and I went up to visit them in their quaint old house in Cherry Hill and they seemed to have it all together. We left there thinking, "why can't we be more like Jack and Diane?".
Here's the kicker: Jack has been cheating on Diane. They are splitting up. No word on who gets Karen.
I am hurt by this.
Angry Otter, 06-04-2004
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From: Horace To: Bruce Dickenson Subject: Consider this to be kicking the donkey. Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 14:25:43 -0800 |
Seriously
Today is my daughter's second birthday.
My pride in her goes far beyond my ability to explain in words.
So I simply say:
Cheers Little Otter. Daddy loves you and always will.
The Otter, 05-28-2004
Musings
So I ate pan pizza for lunch, fell asleep at my desk and dreamed I came up with a cure for AIDS and some forms of cancer.
It was from Pizza Hut. Pepperoni. Tasted great but man did it ever slow me down.
Anyway, I was only out for about a minute but the dream was clear and concise. My "cure" was as follows:
Some people cannot contract HIV. They are decendants of people who had a certain genetic mutation that kept those ancestors from contracting and dying in England during the plague know as the Black Death. That isn't part of the dream, it was something I picked up in a documentary film.
My idea/dream is to link people with AIDS or blood cancer to those people via IV's to use them as blood filters. In my dream I figured it would take at least 24 hours to work all the disease and both people would of course need to have the same blood type and taste in movies. Otherwise it was pretty easy to do.
It's pretty frustrating. Why can't I ever dream about sex like normal people?
Yours,
The Otter, 05-28-2004
Send all questions, comments, and/or bribes to the Otter here.
A Public Service Announcement
The following message is sponsored by the Hell of Being Cut to Pieces:
"There are many mysteries, many unanswerable questions, even in a life as short as yours."
--Lo Pan
On the other hand, he also said: "You are not brought upon this world to 'get it!'"
I hope that helps.
Affectionately,
The Otter, 05-27-2004
As always, answers to these questions or other comments can be sent here. Each e-mail receives hand-crafted, loving attention from The Otter himself. Just send $29.95 to ATTN: Bruce Dickenson, Pier 41, New York, NY 10163.
I do know the difference between dam and damn. I slipped. ....TWICE!
I swear! Stop the emails!
Toodles!
The Otter, 05-26-2004
As always, answers to these questions or other comments can be sent to the inimitable Otter here.
Imagine yourself in...
The Middle Ages. The average person is living a meaningless life in a world of filth.
There is a mighty kingdom residing on fertile ground that is gaining more power everyday. We'll call it Otter Land. In the center of Otter Land is the King's castle. It is nails! (meaning awesome....Hi Mom!) It even has some indoor plumbing! Suffice to say life in the castle is a far sight better than life outside.
Otter Land has many rivals but none of them as powerful. The most threatening are the neighboring Bibers. These Bibers will stop at nothing to take power. They have nothing. Otter Land has everything. Including an awesome army with horses, fine weapons and even a bunch of primitive cannons with chain shot. der Bibers don't have those things (well maybe they have some weapons and horses but they aren't as good) so military options against Otter Land are very limited. But der Bibers aren't above viciously biting ankles and/or building dams to keep water from Otter Land. There are rumors of a plan to dam up all the water in the land just to dehydrate the kingdom into submission. This would of course dehydrate der Bibers but they don't seem to care. They are more of a nuisance than a threat at this point but they still are a problem that the King needs to deal with.
Anywho, the wonderful castle has a nice jail and anyone who commits a crime goes there. Otters...der Bibers, Squirrels....everyone. Prisoners are treated with respect and are considered innocent until proof of guilt can be presented to the magistrate. Most who are there find themselves eating better meals and sleeping more comfortably than they did outside the castle. It was great for morale within Otter Land.
Question: What exactly is keeping people from the Otter Land's rivals from committing crimes or otherwise subverting the kingdom?
The king rocks. I'll tell you what he came up with sometime.
Cheers,
The Otter, 05-26-2004
As always, answers to these questions or other comments can be sent to the incomparable Otter here.
Achtung!
I'm getting a perm. It's going to be awesome!
.......no, I am not.
Justin Otter 05-25-2004
Consider... the remake.
This just occurred to me and it makes me physically ill to think about it:
Eventually some donkey in Hollywood is going to decide they need to remake Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
My guess is some donkey like Freddie Prinze Jr. or that dick in Swimfan will get the role of Ferris.
I will become violent.
Odd that I care though. I'm not really a Matthew Broderick fan.
But dude is Ferris! Let no man come between that.
Justin Otter 05-24-2004
This just in
Nobody owns a word like Bobby Brown owns "Prerogative."
You simply can not use the word without the song, "My Prerogative," popping into your head.
It is in your head now. Enjoy.
Justin Otter 05-21-2004
How does it happen?
Tell me something. .......Just blurt it out. I'll hear ya.
How does a red blooded man who hunts, drives an SUV, drinks American Beer and loves the site of a pretty young girl..... all of a sudden find excitement in a clever filing system for a cubicle?
How does that happen?
I just had to slap my friend Mike.
There is a supply ordering catalog out on my desk and the donkey looks at it, sees a desk mounted arm that holds a book for easier typing or whatever, and says, "Dude, that is money!"
We have been in these cubes too long!!!!!
Send help!
Justin Otter 05-20-2004
Consider... the Taxi
My wife and I are driving in scenic Fairfax Virginia over the weekend and stop at a light. My wife says, "why would they need that?"
I look over to my right and see a "Red Top" Taxi Cab. "Need what?" I reply.
"Look at the back seat window" she says with a chuckle.
.....and there it is!
.......an official looking sticker that says, "EMERGENCY EXIT"!
I laughed so hard that I didn't even notice the light had turned green for at least 5 seconds.
Why would such a sign ever be necessary? Possible scenario: "AH! My cab just got in an accident!!! How do I get out of here!!!!! Oh! there's a sign.....SWEET SALVATION!!!! AN EXIT!!!! I'M SAVED!!!!"????????
It's a car.
People know about doors on cars.
Silly.
Perhaps if it was a Delorian it would have made some sense. But a Delorian cab? Even more silly. Never mind.
Justin Otter 05-17-2004
Good Morning!
So I decide to watch hockey last night and get hammered. By 11 pm., I'm drooling on myself. Between intermissions of the SJ-Cal game, I go surfing for alternate programing.
On "Animal Planet", they have a show called "Amazing Videos". I'm pumped for animal brutality, such as crocs munching on antelope, tigers munching on antelope, or wolverines munching on antelope. I flip to the show.
Here we have two cows (yes, I said COWS) walking through a pasture. There is one midget cow (not a calf) and one big cow. The camera follows them, as they walk around, much on some grass, take a dump, drink some water, whatever. I wait in anticipation.......I mean, this is "Amazing Videos"......something crazy is gonna happen, right? I'm waiting for an SUV to plow into them, or watch them attack a fisherman, or something fucking cool.
Nothing happens. I watch for ten minutes.
After watching them wander for ten minutes, I decide to turn up the volume on my TV. The speaker is relating how amazing it is that these two cows are friends, due to their size differential.
Yes, that was it. I watched ten minutes of wandering cow footage under the influence.
I am now seriously considering rehab.
How's everyone's day?
HD 5-14-04
I keep forgetting my "product"!
I started working out in the company's gym again and I'm not quite accustomed to my new routine. On gym days, I wake up, throw on some shorts and a t-shirt and roll to work. I bring my shirt pants tie ect along to change into. That's the tough part. I have to remember to bring socks....much harder when you aren't wearing them.....deodorant, a razor and shaving cream....you get the point.
Anywho, I keep leaving my "product" at home. "Product" is what the gay dudes on Queer Eye call hair gel. Now my hair is getting fairly long and is naturally fairly curly/wavy. It's capable of getting poofy if I let it happen. Hence the "product".
Monday, I forgot it and went without. My hair dried really curly. Two people told me in separate conversations and a third agreed that I looked like Meadows boyfriend on the Sopranos. By the way, can you believe what he saw???...back on topic: I had just said to my wife on Sunday, "that boyfriend guy on the Sopranos is one weird looking dude" so I didn't take the comments well.
Today I forgot again. I didn't want to repeat that look. So I used a hair dryer to straighten my hair a bit. I haven't heard anything about it yet but I'm reasonably certain I look like Michael Jackson on the "You are not alone" video.
I'm not thrilled.
Justin Otter 5-07-04
The Sad Story of Jimmy Corn
-- A parable by HD
With Justin Otter's encouragement, I reluctantly used my special ability to communicate with corn late last night, in an effort to glean more information in regard to Justin's father using an ear of corn as toilet paper, over 40 years ago.
On my way home from work last evening, I spotted a field of young corn, growing in a hilly field near my home. I pulled over abruptly, parked, and wandered carefully through the small, green stalks. Once I gained the center of the field, I sat down, carefully avoiding crushing any young seedlings, and made myself comfortable.
After exchanging pleasantries for a few minutes, I asked if I could get some assistance in gaining information concerning the "ass-wiping incident" of 1954. Word spread rapidly among the young stalks and after a few minutes, I was told to return later that night, as time would be needed to garner information regarding this "legend". I thanked the corn and then left.
Late last night, I returned to the same field with a 30-pk of beer. I told my wife I was going to a friend's house to party, as she does not believe in my ability, choosing only to laugh hysterically at any mere mention of it.
I made myself comfortable, and shared beers with my colleagues (after assuring them the alcohol was not corn-based, as they are not cannibals).
Before I relate this story, I need to clear a few things up about corn. Corn, as an entity, are a peaceful and loving species. Their goal in life is simple: to be used in a productive manner. Being eaten by humans is an honorable thing, although I myself have never felt the need to disclose the fact that I do eat corn to them, personally. It just seems wrong.
As they live only five or six months, the ears know their lifespan is short, and they prefer to live peacefully, without disturbance, and with the lofty future goal of being useful to the species that ultimately controls their fate.
Being used in a still is a HUGE honor, even better than being eaten raw or boiled. Regardless of how they are individually used, as long as their bodies are used for an important purpose, they are a generally happy bunch.
Also, each kernel on an ear of corn is a type of appendage, in which to see, hear, feel, touch, smell, etc. Each ear of corn has an equal amount of senses, divided among its kernels.
Although I spoke with many ears of corn last night, it was mainly an ear named Mel who gave me the entire story about Mr. Otter, and Jimmy Corn.
The story, as it was related to me:
Jimmy Corn was not a normal ear of corn. Unfortunately, for him, he was born blind....he did not have the usual "seeing" kernels, as most corn have. He was born with extra sensory kernels of hearing, taste, touch, etc.......but no sight. Jimmy was a blind ear of corn.
Since his birth, all Jimmy wished for was to be used in a productive manner, just like all of his brethren surrounding him. His greatest fear was being "different", and having that used against him.
Over time, Jimmy began to lose his shit. He could hear better than any ear of corn around him, but his blindness began to do him harm. For example, he could hear the cries of his fellow corn around him as a murder of crows attacked, as well as the beating of wings, but could never se the attack coming. When a farm machine was near, he could hear the other corn yelling, but he'd never know whether or not he was in line to be slaughtered or cut down before maturity.
Jimmy started to go insane. The nickname "Cracked" was added to his name, by his snickering neighbors, and they didn't care. He began to frequently scream and yell incoherently, as he detected sounds near him, but could never see the source.
Being blind since birth, Jimmy had never seen a human, their mouths, hands, teeth, or anything related to a human's anatomy. Being eaten (his greatest wish) could only be blindly imagined.
One day, Jimmy detected rustling sounds coming from the north border of his home. His fellow mates soon began whispering that a human was approaching. Many ears were elated, sensing that this encounter might be a "small harvest", by an individual human, and some of their goals might be reached earlier than others. Ears began crying out for the human's attention. Still, other ears feared something sinister was afoot......these ears kept silent.
Jimmy began screaming, using his extra sensory abilities to speak above the others, in a desperate attempt to gain this human's attention and reach his goal.
Suddenly, the rustling stopped RIGHT NEXT TO JIMMY. He held his breath. The next time he inhaled, a foul stench filled his smelling kernels. Within seconds, Jimmy was roughly snatched from his stalk. He was roughly inserted into a dark passage, forcibly rotated, and then thrown without care, many rows away.
As Jimmy lay gasping, dying in the course soil, other corn bent down to hear his final gasping words......"That guy needs a breath mint........"
THE END
HD 5-07-04
...pissed off right here!
I have beef with "Hootie". Hootie, who will not be called by his real name because I don't respect him, is the idiot who sang for Hootie and the Blowfish. Hootie sang at a funeral yesterday and was interviewed afterwards by a girl who called him Hootie. He got mad.
......please, think about that for a second. I'll wait.
........The lead singer and front man for Hootie and the Blowfish does not want to be called Hootie??? There is no other guy in the band called Hootie. It's like George Thoroughgood saying, "no, I'm not George, I just suck at naming bands." And you know what? It pisses me off.
Justin Otter 5-04-04
Your Hair is a Mess
I arrived at work this morning predictably early. I dropped by the small convenience store in the lobby and grabbed a plain bagel, cream cheese and a medium self serve Starbucks coffee. I paid and stepped over to the coffee bar, poured "house blend" into my cup, added 3 packs of raw sugar and a quick pour of half and half. After a brief stir I placed a nonspill top on the cup and headed for the elevator.
I had a pleasant conversation with a manager from another department about the pleasant turn in the weather.
"Morning Otter" she said.
"Morning....are you still sleeping with your boss?" I replied.
Her: "No Otter, she hates me now but can't fire me because I know she is freaky yet shy".
Me: "Nice!"
Her: "Indeed.....finally some sun huh?"
Me: "Indeed. I'm a big fan of the sun.......well, this is my floor, have a good one!"
Her: "I will Otter, you do the same".
I got to my desk, switched my PC on and spread the cream cheese over my bagel. I took a sip of the coffee.
My PC booted up during that and I signed on to my email. I had notes from friends and coworkers to go through. at the top of the list was an email I sent myself from home last night: "A reminder to the guy who remembers in similar fashion to the dude in Momento: A) seriously, you really need to focus dude, this memory thing is a pain B) don't forget to call the bank to remind them that they work for you" (long story, not worth telling)
I finished chewing a bit of bagel, swallowed and brought my coffee cup up to my face to take a sip.
SPLASH!
I guess the cup hit my lip and got jostled. The spill proof lid resisted and kept things from getting messy. However, a single squirt shot straight up (the only way to escape) and out of the lid.
That squirt shot with laser guided precision, into my left eye.
Ow!
Wait.....no. I wiped my eye with a napkin. I thought, "it doesn't hurt yet....cool!....but I bet it will kick in any second....."
I waited but it never really hurt. Woot!
I walked to the bathroom and rinsed out my eye and then returned to my desk.
I noticed the power in my office flicker. Everything went black for a split second and then went back to normal. My PC remained on and I saw my email to myself still on screen. I was happy that I didn't need to reboot.
But then my screen went black and I found myself staring at my own reflection. A few seconds later my screen came back though. Interesting.
I closed that email and opened the next one. It was from a friend named Georg Festrunk. He was telling me that he was going to a wedding this weekend and wanted me to deliver a gift to our buddy's baby who will be turning two on Saturday.
All of a sudden, my screen went blank and I found myself looking at Georg on my computer screen! He spinning around in his chair and listening to Freebird via streaming radio! It was pretty funny. I lol'd.
I opened a few more emails and saw my boss's office, some lady in Chicago holding a meeting in her office and my brother's room. I ascertained that I was now able to see through the internet via computer monitors!
I opened an internet browser and up popped my Otter site.
And there you are. you might want to do something about that mess.
Justin Otter 4-16-04
April 9, 2004
Here is a mental picture for you. Remember in Christmas Story when Ralphie is writing his essay about getting a Red Rider BB Gun? Remember the gleeful look in his eye as he wrote that? That's how I feel when I write. And the results are similar as well.
Justin Otter 4-9-04
April 8, 2004
Reflections
I feel sorry for the word pimp. It was once a word that had a meaning. Now it is a shell of it's former self used by "hot" radio stations as an ambiguous noun with almost no definition to speak of. This morning I heard DC's Hot Ninety NINE Five (say it like Imus does Howard...W NnnnnnnnnBC) run a tape (because nothing is live....thanks Clear Channel, we really hated having live local radio!!!) of a promo for their "Pimp My Life" contest. The winner gets "pimped"! Now wouldn't that be fantastic if the word still had some of it's meaning? Say a prayer for the word pimp as it is almost certainly miserable in it's new surroundings.
Justin Otter 4-8-04
April 7, 2004
Love, it could happen to you!
There is a girl in my office that is pretty well hopeless in terms of romance. Sorta plain looking. Sorta desperate (which tends to put men off). Sorta talks WAY too much. It pretty much seems to everyone around here that this poor girl is destined to live out her life, lonely and single.
Anyway, this girl we will call "Band Camp" ....because she talks like the girl in American Pie who told stories about what happened to her at band camp....is a nice enough person and I feel bad about painting her in such a dismal light. But it doesn't matter now because......Today.....Band Camp..... was seen walking around the company lake ......with a man, baby!
They seemed happy and appeared to be having a swell conversation. I am pleased as punch.
Viva Spring!
April 5, 2004
Spotlight on the One Editor!
Rumor has it, Sunday was dude's birthday. I would like to give you a demonstration of just how wicked awesome the One Editor can be when he isn't censoring me. Some idiot we know used to write stories about the happenings of a band that may or may not have actually existed. It was called MegaTroll and the Destroyers. Well, the One Editor wrote a history of the band that made the original writing look elementary by comparison. It is awesome. Read it.
Without further delay I give you the Link...
Happy birthday dude!
Justin Otter 4-5-04
March 30, 2004
A note from the Editor:
Not only is your editor receiving a new laptop by FedEx today, but Neal Stephenson's new book is due out in a fortnight. This news is awesome.
Yes, I just used the word fortnight.
Since the Lord sees fit to let his shining countenance rain down upon your friendly editor, we are awash with benevolence. For one day only, the Otter is declared a censorship-free zone. Drink responsibly. Thank you.
March 30, 2004
Dear Mr. Otter,
I seem to be having trouble with elevators lately. I wait patiently in the building lobby with every other shlub for the next available elevator to squeeze into. When it finally arrives, I file in, turn around and press my floor number. I ride up, trying desperately to keep my personal space uninvaded. When I get to my floor, I walk out of the elevator and go the wrong way. This never used to happen to me. I used to mock others for this very mistake. I would think, "How can a person totally lose his sense of direction inside of two minutes?" Now it's happening to me. Is there a cure?
Sincerely,
A Misdirected Reichart
Well Miss Reichart,
I have good news and some bad news. The good news is Lavar Arrington is being cool again and has decided to play football for the Redskins for the amount of money he signed to play for AND I just heard they got James Thrash back from the Eagles.
The bad news is that you can't handle your liquor and/or you are drinking way too late at night and are in fact, still drunk. Screw Geico!
I reserve the right to revisit your condition if I have further thoughts on the matter.
Sincerely,
The Otter
PS tell your husband hello and that I finally watched Monster House.
Justin Otter 3-30-04
March 26, 2004
[A note from the Editor: the Otter wanted to post a soliloquy on the abortion bill, but we're not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. -Ed.]
March 24, 2004
Tapas!
In the year 1264, a dude named Alfonso el Sabio (we'll call him Frank the Wise or Frank from now on) was in charge of Spain. Turns out Frank was sabio indeed! Noting that really truly drunk people are a pain in the donkey, he issued a decree. He required that alcohol could not be served without accompanying food. For instance, beer would come out with a meat lid on top. Wacky huh!?
Guess what? To this day if you order a drink in Spain, you are going to get a complimentary appetizer! The Otter doth decree that this idea is BRILLIANT! Clink!
This is all according to my Spanish teacher who is worldly. I didn't bother to fact check because one of you readers will do it anyway and I'd like you to have a shot at proving me wrong.
Justin Otter 3-24-04
March 22, 2004
tHE oTTER HAS BUT.....stupid caps lock key!.....
the Otter has but one thing to say today: As the smile ran away from the Otter's face he said, "Bill I believe this is killing me. I'm sure that I could be a rock star, if I could get out of this place." "Bored cube jockeys, we are sharing a drink we call loneliness here at the otter but it's better than being on the internet alone."
Email me Otter readers, I need some inspiration. ....or I could write about my daughter's first trip to the zoo! Never mind! I need nothing! Carry on!
Justin Otter 3-22-04
March 18, 2004
Alright, here is what I have for you and forgive me if this doesn't seem very "timely" or original (I've never seen it done but maybe it has).
Without further adieu: The Otter's Halloween Costume Idea 2004 (tm)!
"Split" this idea with a friend who is going to a different party.......Buy a donkey outfit for two. You know what I mean...the kind where one dude is in the back legs and the other is in the front half of the donkey. Anywho, you'll only wear half of the donkey suit (hopefully you get the lower half for comforts sake). Then you get a marker and write "That's right, I half assed my costume! =P" on a tee shirt and throw that on. Done.
Otter....out!
Justin Otter 3-18-04
March 16, 2004
Thanks for the feedback and keep it coming! You can e-mail the Otter here.
Today the Otter is posting a guest submission from that mail. It is written by a guy who had a friendly encounter (sniff... battery) with one of my Otter brethren.
Three Reasons Why I Hate Otters
My Father-In–Law and I arose around 5 am., on an early May morning. The sun had yet to rise over the low-lying mountains near Deep Creek Lake, in Western Maryland, but the temperatures were already beginning to rise, the sky showing small patches of orange-tinged light.
We were both still in a haze, from heavy drinking the night before, and most of our efforts to prepare for our morning of fishing were muddled. We also were each individually gauging our odds of vomiting, which needed to be done prior to departure.
We grabbed a thermos of coffee, a cooler of beer, and other necessities, and headed down to the dock, where our boat was moored. We loaded up the 16-ft motorboat, got the cold engine running, and then motored away, slicing through the low fog and crisp breeze.
We were headed towards a particular cove which had brought us both much fishing success in the past. The cove contained a narrow, but deep creek, which fed into the main body of the lake. In the spring, minnows spawned into the cove, and then eventually moved out into deeper waters. We knew from experience that the larger predator fish waited in the heavily protected weed beds just outside the creek, taking minnows as they made their departure from the protected creek. We had tremendous success in the past and we expected nothing but more good luck on this fine morning.
We arrived at the cove and were delighted to find it devoid of other fishermen, as well as protected from the slight wind. We angled in slowly towards the creek mouth, cut the engine, glided in slowly, and then anchored in about five feet of water. We were directly in front of the creek mouth, about 30 feet away, with heavy weeds and other underwater cover on both sides.
We were using live minnows as bait, with steel leaders, a few weights, and bobbers. We each threw out two lines, covering as much water as we could. The live minnows slowly dragged the bobbers to and fro, and we occasionally re-cast close to the creek mouth, or along the edge of the weeds.
We sat and smoked, drinking both coffee and beer.
A few words about my Father-In-Law, Oak (yes, his name is Oak). Oak is a 55 year-old vet, who parties like it’s his last day on earth, every day. He is apolitical and does not give a shit. He is one of the few people in this world who consistently has more chronic on his person than I. His philosophy on fishing? If you ain’t catching nothing, smoke a chronic blunt.
So 30 minutes, three blunts, and no fish later, we were getting a bit impatient. We had NEVER had anything but success in this spot. The water temperature was right, we were well positioned, and our bait was lively. But still, nothing.
At this point, we began to use profanity, occasionally adding a deity or two, as well as a few adjectives. Nothing. No fish. Not a bite.
We were debating our next move when suddenly Oak said, “What the hell is that?”
I turned to where he was looking. Something big was swimming in the creek channel. We could see nothing but a slow, shallow wake of something barely under the waters’ surface, as it slowly moved in our direction.
We both watched, entranced. We had seen huge fish in these waters, including muskie and pike, but this object in the water seemed…well...a bit too large.
I slowly brought one line in, checked my minnow to make sure it was alive, and re-cast towards the open creek. My line hit about 20 feet directly in front of the still swimming object, the bobber smacking the surface lightly. We waited.
As I reached for my beer, Oak suddenly exclaimed, “”Mother-Of-Fuck! It’s a fucking otter!”
I turned quickly. Sure enough, we could now see the beastly creature as it swam back and forth, diving and surfacing, creating chaos in the once quiet waters of OUR cove. We could clearly make out its brown fur-covered head, and small black eyes.
We were pissed. This explained why there were no fish. A fucking OTTER had invaded our cove, swimming around like a palsy, eating the minnows, and scaring off any predator fish. We would have shot the fucker, but we had both forgotten our firearms.
REASON #1: Otters fuck up your fishing.
We sat stoned, silent and morose. As we watched the aquatic vermin continue to swim, we realized it was heading towards my bobber... and minnow! I grabbed my fishing pole, but it was too late. My bobber wet down sharply, indicating my minnow had been taken. I yanked back hard, trying not to hook the otter, but to yank the hook from its mouth.
My fishing pole immediately bent sharply downward... I had hooked the otter. Line began to scream from my reel as the otter took off out of the creek mouth, and into the main body of the lake. Screaming more profanities, I held on and waited for the line to snap... but it held. How 10 lb. test line can hold a 30 lb. accelerating otter is beyond me, but I have since only bought fishing line from this same company (Stren).
Pissed, stoned, screaming and praying my fishing rod wouldn’t break, we decided to bring the otter in close, and cut the line manually. Slowly, I brought the creature in closer. About fifteen minutes later, he was close. We could now clearly see his entire brown, furry body.
Oak grabbed a net, unscrewed the long metal handle, grabbed a pair of pliers, and stood nearby as I brought the otter slowly closer.
The otter was about five feet from the side when I quickly reeled in the slack and brought him along side the boat. As we glanced over tentatively, the otter suddenly leapt ONTO THE SIDE OF THE BOAT!!!!! His front “paws” (or whatever the fuck its front appendages are called) were hanging on the side. It looked directly into our eyes and emitted a loud HISSSSSSS. We both shit ourselves, and were both instantly sober.
REASON #2: Otters are scary and make you lose your buzz.
I tried to envision telling my friends that an otter had kicked my ass. I decided this was not going to happen. As did Oak.
Oak reacted quickly. He swung the metal handle from the net and cranked the bastard right on top of the head. Still hanging on, the otter hissed again and then proceeded to void it’s bowels in the water. It was a loud, watery “SPLOOOOOOSH” and instantly the air reeked of rotting fish.
REASON #3: Otters are stinky.
Oak hit him again, squarely in the head. This time, the otter dropped, and my line got caught on the edge of the boat and snapped. The otter was free. It quickly submerged into its vile ring of floating excrement and was gone. We did not see it again.
Our nice, quiet morning of fishing was over. The fish were gone. Our buzz was gone. The entire area simply reeked of fishy feces.
We brought in our lines, unhooked the anchor, and dutifully went in search of new fishing waters.
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