Most managers have a college degree of some kind. Bachelor of computer Science. Master of chemical engineering. Maybe a doctorate in physics. No matter who ends up in a management job, they probably took some kind of education in how to manage people and time. The following is a recommended list of classes that will make the road to management easier and discover what some of the critical things are you need to know.
Firstly, you need to attend a seminar on oral sex. This is a hands-on (or mouths on, depending on your current situation) seminar designed to increase your skills in fellatio and cunnilingus. The first half of the class focuses on blowing the male. Men still dominate the management fields; therefore, a lot of time is devoted to oral to penile skills. Students will fellate the instructors at the beginning of the class, and will be rated on their ability to stimulate, deep throat, and swallow. During the course of study, students will learn advanced techniques designed to make them more valuable to their managers by keeping them happy. Creativity is a plus.
These days, more women are making it into management positions. The second half of this seminar is devoted to the subtler forms of cunnilingus. Women are by nature harder to please than men. Students must be able to focus on detail, as well as demonstrate tongue stamina. Students will learn technique, style, and methods of prolonging a female orgasm for up to 10 minutes. Students will be encouraged to perform such services without thought of reciprocation. After all, you can’t waste a manager’s time by expecting them to do something for you.
The oral sex course is designed to get you in favor with managers you may work for, but it will not get you into a management position. It is, however, a prerequisite for the class on kissing ass.
Most people will agree that makeup can make a person of poor physical charisma look quite attractive. Companies like Avon and Mary Kay use this fact to market their products. Sometimes skin color and features are highlighted or darkened to make a person look better. The kissing ass class teaches how this principle can be used to advance your management career. Noses are obtrusive things, sometimes making one’s face very disturbing to look at. Darkening the nose, usually with the color brown, but sometimes with a darker yellow or green tint, can make people more attractive to the observant manager. When appearances are cleverly improved, most managers can overlook faults that made them initially cringe. Some people, being brighter, require a more drastic makeover. In this case, carefully coating the entire face or head with the darker color will really get a manager’s attention. When they take notice and start seeing the “real you”, use the skills learned in the oral sex seminar to cement a position in management.
Up to this point, potential managers have not had the benefit of screwing someone else. Rather, they have been the ones providing this important service to their managers. All focus has been on advancing themselves into management. New managers are now entitled to receive oral sex by those who wish to gain attention and favor. Note that new managers need retain these skills since all lower level managers have managers above them. Side benefits to receiving oral sex is that some performing this service will have skills and techniques that can be stolen or learned by the new manager.
Many times, new managers think they have “made it” only to find that someone else more qualified and ambitious are after their jobs. Now is not the time to become complacent and comfortable in a new lower management position. Successful new managers know that more education is needed to keep their career. Therefore, they need to take the courses on screwing.
The most common way of keeping a new position secure is by screwing those under you. It took hard work to get there; now it is time to stay there by keeping the competition down. Most lower level managers know they got their position by making themselves appear better than they are, as discussed in the kissing ass class. It stands to reason that someone working for them is better qualified to be the manager. This person is dangerous. He threatens the very security that took months and sometimes years to achieve. Therefore, he must be screwed.
The screwing courses consist of three separate modules. First is the module on artful lying. Students will learn how to control their faces and bodies while telling lies. A nervous liar is a poor liar, and people can spot a poor liar very easily. This is a difficult principle to master, so a lot of time will be devoted to practice. Lies can be difficult to remember. Students work with various techniques to improve memory. One need not always be consistent when lying, but one does need to remember what lies are told to certain people. The successful manager will be able to lie through his teeth to those who work for them and they will never know the difference. The course will also cover effective means of lying to the upper management. The goal of lower managers is to become upper managers, so one must be able to lie well to his boss. The prerequisite courses of oral sex and kissing ass play an increasingly important role on the road to advancement, and when coupled with a good round of lying, one can improve the chances of success.
The second screwing module teaches you how to cover your ass. It is a fact that regardless of how skillful a liar or ass kisser people are, sooner or later they will be discovered for what they are. This may be the result of a mistake they made, or on occasion, someone will just figure it out. For these reasons, a skillful manager will be able to cover their ass and thus protect themselves. The first thing taught in this module is how to point the finger. Blame is a tricky game to play. Preplanning for passing blame is essential to covering one’s ass. Students will learn how to pick a sucker and set him up for taking the blame when it hits the fan. The sucker can be either a worker below or a manager above you. Picking a worker who is a threat to your position is advisable if they are making a play for your job. However, if you are secure from that threat, targeting the manager above you can be a good play for his job. Being able to point the finger either direction is an artful skill that good managers can do almost subconsciously.
In addition to finger pointing, students will learn how to pass the buck. This is accomplished by delegating “authority”, forwarding e-mail, “losing” documents, and, in some cases, taking an unscheduled vacation. Most often, passing the buck is aimed at undermining an upper manager while making sure your ass is covered. Keep in mind that destabilizing a higher manager is tricky and care must be taken to ensure that all evidence of responsibility is destroyed or passed on to someone else, either higher or lower. In some cases, it may be useful to pass the buck past the immediate superior and on to yet a higher manager. Oral sex and ass kissing skills are extremely important here. Higher level managers are very skilled at these techniques themselves; their management position is evidence of that fact. Therefore, attempts to gain favor in this fashion must be carefully planned.
The third module teaches actual screwing. Students will learn that it is much easier to screw people who work for you than the people you work for. Techniques here are important. Most times, the screwing must be done such that the people being screwed won’t know it. The object of a manager is to keep their workers fat, dumb and happy. People who know they are being screwed become more difficult to manipulate, and can cause problems. Smart people who know they are being screwed are especially dangerous. The module will teach ways to screw these people without them knowing, and in most cases, caring. On occasion, there will be someone who can not be fooled. Generally, the best policy is to fire this person immediately, but, knowing that isn’t always possible, using the other skills learned in previous classes on him will generally pacify him for some time. Then, when the time is right, fire him.
There are occasions when you can screw the person you work for. This requires an intimate knowledge of your boss’s personal secrets or work habits, and a very carefully prepared plan. Screwing in this fashion is extremely dangerous and should only be done if there is no chance of failure. Those who fail to plan perfectly will usually fail, and the results are catastrophic to the would-be screwer. Having a back-up plan in the event of failure is recommended, but don’t depend on it to save your ass completely. Failures of this sort are difficult to recover from. Successfully screwing a superior is a rare thing, but when done right, holds great rewards.
The final class offered in this series is called counter-screwing. Rising to the top of a company takes years of careful planning, blowing, ass kissing, and screwing. Keep in mind that climbers on the corporate ladder are targets of others trying to climb the same ladder. Managers are the subject of ass kissers and screwers on both sides. Students will review the methods and skills learned in the previous courses. They will then learn ways to counter those moves. Managers must protect themselves from people both under and over them. This knowledge will help keep positions secure, leaving more time to plan for undermining the boss and advancing the career.
People successfully completing
these courses are ready for a management position in any company.
These courses are designed to work with any degree in any field, from professional
engineering doctorates to lowly liberal arts bachelors and will qualify
any genius or moron to manage people and give them the skills they need
to move to the top of their company regardless of qualification.