Iago: Zazu, I'm off to visit my Aunt Polly over on Tom Sawyer Island now. Are you coming with me?
Zazu: Are you insane? I'll never visit that crazy old bird again!
Iago: Awww, Zazu, she's not all that bad. She wouldn't hurt a flea.
Zazu: It's not the fleas I'm worried about; it's the birds. The last time you took me there, she was cooking up that big batch of -- of -- <choke> --fried CHICKEN!
Iago: Well, I know she's a little strange....
Zazu: A LITTLE!? When she pinched my cheeks, I swear she was checking for fat content. What's her story, by the way?
Iago: Let's see ... she was raised in Cannibal, Missouri --
Zazu: Don't you mean Hannibal, Missouri?
Iago: Hannibal? She always told me it was Cannibal. And then she would laugh hysterically. But anyway, she was living with a very nice family by the name of Clemens, and they would say, "Polly want a cracker?" And one day she shouted back, "No! Polly want a QUACKER!" So they thought she was lonely, and they bought a duck to keep her company. Well, the next day, the family woke up and found that the duck was missing, and Aunt Polly was mysteriously picking her teeth with a big white feather. So they threw her out, and she ended up on Tom Sawyer Island, because it reminded her of home.
Zazu: I think I'm going to be ill.
Iago: I told you, she'll fix you a nice peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Besides, you love that boring old island. You're always telling me how delightful it is to find a nice, simple, old-fashioned retreat in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of the Magic Kingdom.
Zazu: Yes, it's true. I suppose I could accompany you over there, but I am not visiting Aunt Polly.
Iago: OK then. We're late. Gotta fly.
Zazu: Oh no, you don't. We'll get there by raft. Really, Iago, one simply must arrive at Tom Sawyer Island by raft, or it spoils the whole effect.
Iago: What effect?
Zazu: <sigh> The effect of floating down the Mississippi in the 19th century. The effect of having a good old-fashioned adventure, like Tom and Huck. The effect of getting away from society and all its rules and complications.
Iago: Oh, that. But the rafts aren't that authentic, are they? Don't they run on underwater tracks like the riverboats? I mean, the cast members aren't really driving them, right?
Zazu: Wrong as usual, Iago. Even though the rafts are diesel-powered, they are most decidedly not on tracks. Those cast members must actually learn to pilot them. The rafts are controlled by a tiller. And the rafts have names. The ones at Walt Disney World are Injun Joe, Becky Thatcher, Huck Finn, and Tom Sawyer. Disneyland has only three, so Huck Finn was left behind.
Iago: But rafts probably only hold a few people, and I need to get there today.
Zazu: No problem. The normal capacity is 55 passengers. And since we're featherweights, I'm sure they could accommodate us even at full capacity. By the way, what's your hurry?
Iago: Well, Old Aunt Polly is really getting up there in years. And I wanna make sure I'm in her will. Her restaurant is a prime piece of real estate, and I plan to make some changes, just like I've done in the Tiki Room. I'm gonna turn that place into the real Pleasure Island!
Zazu: You know, they've done that at Tom Sawyer Island at Disneyland. They converted the end of the island into a gigantic stage where they show "Fantasmic!" in the evenings. It's not just a great show, it's a show that happens right where you might have been walking just a few hours earlier. More importantly, your carnivorous aunt doesn't keep shop there!
Iago: No food? Forget "Fantasmic!" Give me "Franchise-mic!"
Zazu: Not if I have any say in the matter. I think it's perfect just the way it is. It's such fun to climb up into the fort and find myself at the other end of a gun for a change. Just think, Iago: we can shoot at the people, instead of the people shooting at us! It's Birdie Paradise! And I do so love spelunking.
Iago: Spelunking!? Isn't that where you throw flat stones across the river and try to get them to bounce, only they just go "spelunk?"
Zazu: I hate to disabuse you of your fantasy, Iago, but spelunking refers to the exploration and charting of caves. A hobby for adventurous souls, to be sure. As Mark Twain said, "No man knew the cave; that was an impossible thing." Are you aware that the cave in "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" is still around today, and is about two miles long?
Iago: <turning away> Don't talk about exploring caves, Zazu.
Zazu: Why, Iago, are those tears I see falling from those little beady eyes of yours? Whatever is the matter?
Iago: <sniffle> It's just that it brings back painful memories for me. I used to visit Aunt Polly every summer, and I often explored the caves with my childhood sweetheart, Pecky Hatcher. She was a pretty little hen, and I was a headstrong young parrot, so our romance was doomed from the start. But she was wonderful, Zazu.
Zazu: Oh, I see. What ever happened to her?
Iago: I don't know exactly, but I think she was the victim of a bad arranged marriage. One summer I returned to the island and Pecky was gone. I asked Aunt Polly what happened to her, and she said that Pecky had been cut up and battered. But she said Pecky was sweet and tender to the very end. <sob>
Zazu: Errr, Iago, I think she meant....
Iago: What?
Zazu: Oh, never mind. Look, Iago, how can you possibly consider altering the nature of Tom Sawyer Island? Why not let it stand as a monument to your beloved Pecky?
Iago: There's a monument on the island?
Zazu: In a way there is. You may recall that the fort at Disneyland is called Fort Wilderness, after the one built by Davy Crockett.
Iago: I remember him. I wanted one of those coonskin caps so badly I could almost taste it!
Zazu: You are your aunt's nephew, aren't you? <ahem> The fort at Walt Disney World was originally named Fort Sam Clemens, in honor of the author who wrote under the name of Mark Twain.
Iago: Isn't that the name of a riverboat? I remember reading about that somewhere, just last week....
Zazu: Yes, you forgetful flit. But now that Samuel Clemens is heard aboard the Liberty Belle as the pilot, it seemed unseemly to name a fort after a mere riverboat pilot, so they renamed it Fort Langhorne.
Iago: And I thought "Polly's Place" was stupid. Where did they get that lame name?
Zazu: It's Samuel Clemens' middle name.
Iago: His name was Samuel Wilderness Clemens?!?
Zazu: No, that would be moronic. His middle name was Langhorne.
Iago: Oh, that's original.
Zazu: Could be worse.
Iago: How?
Zazu: It could have been "extra crispy!"
The music selected to accompany this page is "Dueling Banjos" by Arthur Smith.
