High Fives Suck!
Anyone who knows me knows that I hate high fiving. It's completely pointless and no matter who you are, even a professional athlete, it makes you look like a cock. Oh and it's even better if you're over 35 and are doing it at work. Woohoo! That makes my day to see to old people (yes over 35 is old) congratulating each other at work with a good old round of awkward high fiving. What in the hell does it accomplish? Is it suppose to make me happy? If you really wanted to make me happy, fellate me.
For those of you out there who feel like I do I'm going to give you some suggestions on what you can do to punish people for approaching you with a high five.
1. Gut punch
When someone raises their hand in the air in anticipation of you slapping it, punch them in the gut. This is the best way to let them know that you mean business and that they needed their shit handed to them. This technique works so well because they are expecting you to come at them anyway and their hand is raised in the air leaving their mid section open. It works best when this one is done with a crowd so that everyone knows you mean business.
2. Fuck his wife
Or her* wife, I don't want to discriminate. The way you do this one is when he approaches with the high five slap it, just this once. Then immediately leave and Wilt Chamberlan his (or her*) wife. Then the next time he attempts the high five, and he will cause he's already proven he's a cock, ruin him with the news that you had sex with his wife. He'll never high five or talk to you again. Mission accomplished.
*If the person who attempts the high five is a woman who is married to a man just head butt her in the ovaries. Problem solved.
3. Hiduken
This one requires being friends with either Ryu or Ken from the legendary Street Fighter series of fighting games. When a high five is attempted, quickly call Ryu (or Ken) and have them come over. Make sure you do this quick as the high fiver may think something is awry. He may think you are leaving him "hanging". When Ryu (or Ken) arrives roll down-towards on your directional pad then hit punch and HIDUKEN his ass. He won't know what hit him.
These are the best methods that are proven to work for punishing people who attempt high fives. Feel free to improve on these solutions or make up your own. Just don't let this epidemic grow. Only you can prevent high fivers!