Bryan has a new mantra in life, be like Thomas Sullivan Magnum III
I am what most women would call a hairy man. Hell even most men would call me a hairy man. I was second in line to play the role of Chewbacca in Star wars but they decided to go with someone with less hair. Instead of a swimming cap I have to wear a wet suit at public swimming pools. I have no idea why I'm hairy other than my dad is hairy, but even in the sense of evolution there is no reason to have hair covering your body. Women have evolved to be relatively hairless through millions of years of men not liking the smooth touch of a brillo pad but since women have not had the choice of a mate for most of that time men haven't changed nearly as much until recently (recently being the last thousands of years or so in evolution terms).
So other than being able to play alien roles in movies and scaring women away it's not beneficial to be hairy. I am writing this not as a pity rant or because I cry every night about being hairy, NO, this is a battle cry to other hairy men that we need to join together and take back the women we deserve. How are we going to do that? By living by the standards set by the best womanizer ever, Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck slept with more women than Gene Simmons and Paul Reubens... ....combined. Tom Selleck, of Magnum PI fame, was constantly shirtless not afraid of his densely hairy chest for millions of viewers to see and they loved him. Now after watching millions of hours of Magnum PI DVD's I've compiled a list of rules to be as successful as Tom Selleck.
1. Grow a mustache
Hey, what better way to get women than to look like a porn star? The ratio of women to men in the porn industry is like 10 to 1 so this means that women like mustaches.
2. Drive a red Ferrari
I know most of you can't afford a Ferrari but this is a very vital part of Tom Sellecks success. If you can't get a Ferrari try selling your house and living with friends. As a last resort try buying a red car like an NSX or an MR2 those look kind of like Ferrari's.
3. Pretend everyday is Hawaiian shirt day
There is no better way to feel comfortable and cool than to wear a shirt dedicated to an entire state. Or as some people know it as it's own country (I'm referring to you South Carolina).
4. Disregard rule four
5. Have at least one black friend and another whom you call Higgins
What's the black man for, sheeit cracka, for the black women of course (if you are black and hairy reverse the rule and get a white friend, for the white women of course). Higgins is the guy to make you look better by comparison so make sure he's uglier than you.
And that's it. I know you're thinking these rules rules won't make me as successful as Tom Selleck so to prove it I'll show you a comparison of Selleck and I when I follow these rules. See the pictures below.
Tom Selleck
Me
Steve Guttenberg is hairy too.