The Best of the Worst Toys From My Childhood
(or The Worst of the Best Toys)
Along with my child like obsession with cereal, I love toys. But I don't love all toys. Some are just ridiculous and then there are some that are ridiculous but some how become popular. Below is a list of the later.
Slinky - It's a fucking spring people. What was this, two minutes of fun, max? Why not just get us a screw or pencil shavings or a sheet of tin and throw that down some stairs. At least those items would make it to the bottom. Side note: I got a slinky in college and I still play with it.
Monopoly - Anyone ever finish a game? Nope. That's cause this game has the longest drawn out losses ever. The winner, with hotels on Boardwalk and the railroads (we play different, fuck you) just sits there and basks in his win. Still 10 rolls later, he's still smiling and you still have juuust enough money to make it around the board ooone more time. Then you say fuck it and just start packing up shop before the game is officially over. I lost a lot at this game. Plus who in real life would stay at fucking Boardwalk? Walk around the fucking corner idiot, it's 10x less. And you get $200, just like in real life.
Skip It - "...there's a counter on the ball..." Please. Counter or not this toy was discriminatory. What about kids in wheel chairs? Imagine what this toy tells them. Ha ha you'll never have fun Jimmy unless you can hop on one leg, hahaha. Why don't you just roll yourself and your damn chair off a cliff.
Frisbee - Why make a toy if you can't do it by yourself? I was so alone as a child.
Glo-worm - Oh here's a good one for shut down reactor plant clean up. Take a glowing Uranium rod cover it with clothes and give it a cute face to protect kids at night while they sleep. Damn you Hanford.
Operation - I only ever played this one once, but I could see how it could be a terrible idea in the long run.
Light Bright - Ooo, ooo, make a circle then turn off the lights, lets watch it glow! Boy that's not too exciting. Come on, a light behind colored plastic pegs? There were obviously too many drugs done in the 70's. Or not enough in the 80's.
Hula Hoop - Damn Hawaiians. Tell you what, for that little invention I'm declaring us the great 49 states now. I'm not even sure if you invented it but it sounds Hawaiian, so get out.
Lincoln Logs - Have you ever wanted to build a cabin? Nope, neither have I.
Simon - Yeah, great way to teach a child to be an individual and think for themselves. Do exactly as Simon or fail at life. Oh and by the way, you only have 4 choices in life; green, red, yellow or blue.
Etch-a-sketch - Uh how about Etch-a-staircase cause that's all anyone is ever drawing. Except this guy.