The Poop Story
This is a story that hopefully we can all learn from. I assure you it is true and really happened to me. I'm not smart or creative enough to make this up.
I occasionally go running, usually about three times a week, sometimes more. My apartment is near undeveloped forest land in the Pacific Northwest which is where I like to go running. There is a two lane road that goes on forever (well I haven't found the end of it) that I run along for about 1.5-2miles, turn around and head back home. Having the undeveloped land on both sides and few cars traveling on the road makes a nice jog for me to listen to my mp3 player. I have enjoyed running and have had no problems until one day a couple of weekends ago.
It had been a semi-busy Saturday as I'm not usually able to get much done during the week. I was finally able to take a little break from everything and decided I would go running. I had a slight urge to go pee when I noticed I had forgotten to dry the dishes I had just washed. So I quickly dried those, got into my running clothes and was on my way. It was a nice day out, about 75, and I was having a very good jog. I was almost to the halfway point when I remembered what I had forgotten, I got that slight urge to pee again. Well there was nothing I could do about it so I figured I would just try and forget about it as I jogged back.
I started making the turn back and I get the urge to pee and then GURGLE, oh shit, nasty number two comes knocking on the back door. There I am at least 1.5 miles from home and nature calls. Fuck me. Well I started jogging trying to think of something else. I figured the worst case I would have to find a bush to pee behind. A couple minutes past and the running wasn't helping, it kept getting worse, so I started looking for some bushes on the side of the road. Well I did find some and unknowingly to me the bushes I found were growing from a hole which I fell in, got up and did number one. Hoping that relieved some pressure (it was a long good pee) I shook it off and kept going, still having to go number 2. Since the jogging wasn't helping I started walking, now about .8 miles from home. I soon realized I wasn't going to make it but I remembered a dirt road turn off that was close that I had passed and ran for it. With the turn off in sight and feeling nature yelling I grabbed my ass cheeks with one hand and darted off the road. I ran into the woods, threw down my mp3 player and keys in the dirt and ripped down my pants. Then, like an anal ejaculation the brown goo comes oozing out with no signs of stopping. I hadn't been eating anything abnormal so I have no idea what brought this on but it wasn't a simple small number two, this number two is the reason they make 40 gallon colostomy bags. Well anyway I'm finishing up and in my haste to defecate I forgot to look for something to wipe with. Luckily after duck walking a few yards I found some discarded clothes that did a sufficient job. I went, picked up my keys and stuff and exited to the road side. I slowly jogged the remaining distance, got home and showered. The moral of this story is NEVER FORGET TO USE THE RESTROOM because god hates you and will make you pay for ignoring him.