Writings

Office Christmas Party Memo by Allan Sherman

FROM: Allan Sherman, Producer, “I’VE GOT A SECRET”

SUBJECT: Office Xmas Party

The Office Party, as most of you know, is set for December 24th, at 12 noon.

Girls who have been present at previous Office Parties have been, I realize, looking forward to seeing me at this party next Monday.

Due to the unprecendented demend for my services this year, and the limitations imposed on my nautre and time - - I must set forth the following rules and regulations for conduct at the Office Party:

1. ALL GIRLS WISHING TO PECK ME POLITELY ON THE CHEECK, or pinch my cheek, and say, “Isn’t he a doll”, will kindly line up at the 29th floor water cooler. If time allows, I will appear there late in the party, to accommodate one and all.

2. GIRLS WITH NO PREVIOUS SEXUAL EXPERIENCE, OR TRAUMA, will please report the night before at 7:30 PM to my assistant, Mr. Irving Mayall, who will give you pre-party instructions, a chalk-talk, and a specially prepared pamphlet from the National Safety Council

3. FRANCES SONTAG will report directly to me immediately on receipt of this memo. What I have in mind is the same thing as last year, but I’d like to get started a little earlier.

4. ALL GIRLS WILL TAKE WHATEVER SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS ARE INDICATED. DON’T DEPEND ON ME FOR PRECAUTIONS - - YOU KNOW WHAT A MAD, IMPETOUS FOOL I AM.

5. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO REPEAT MY UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCE OF LAST YEAR’S CHRISTMAS PARTY. Most of you will remember my regrettable case of trench mouth which lasted well into February of this year. I’m not going to name any names. You know who you are.

6. Married girls, whose husbands do not understand them: To all those in this classification a brief note - - it would be best if you could keep in mind how messy emotional entanglements can become.What I mean is - - I’ll give you the usual few words of sympathy about your husband, we’ll drink our little toast to mankind, we’ll have our little moment of wild ecstacy, and then - - LET’S BREAK IT OFF CLEAN. Back to the office after Christmas, cheerful as ever, as though nothing had happened. No wisful looks, no tears, no regrets. No remorseful blubbering about how I won’t look at you any more. We’re grown people, all of you and I. Let’s remember that.

7. Due to the unprecedented demand, priority will be given this Christmas to those who have done their part during the course of the regular year.

8. A little rack with numbered tags will be placed on the corner of my desk. (I’m sure you’ve all seen this system used in the bakery.) Girls - - please take your number, then line up in an orderly fasion, keeping very quiet so as to allow me to concentrate. To insure fair treatment, memorize your number and, when called, be ready to specify exactly what you want.

9. Girls - - remember the Golden Rule. Be fair to the other girls. Do unto me only what you would let me do unto you. Take only what you need! Waste not, want not! Remember, a man isn’t made of wood, but he isn’t made of iron either.

10. TO THE NEW GIRLS WHO HAVE JOINED THE ORGANIZATION SINCE THE LAST CHRISTMAS PARTY: How I envy you this wonderful experience - - having me for the first time! O, moment of perfect joy - - that can come to a woman only once in her lifetime. I must beg you to control yourselves as much as you can. Remember - - you are about to fullfill your purpose as a Woman. For heaven’s sake, maintain your dignity if it is at all possible. And, in years to come, when you tell your friends about it - - and I know you will - - please, be kind.

11. ANY GIRL FOUND TRYING TO “CUT-IN” OUT OF TURN, OR CLAWING AT THE OTHER GIRLS, WILL BE DISQUALIFIED AND WILL NOT BE ACCOMODATED AGAIN UNTIL CHRISTMAS 1964.

12. Girls who brind up the subject of Office Politics at critical moments in the procedure will be regarded as blase’, and tabled indefinitely.

13. Lips that touch Howard Slotkin’s must never touch mine.

14. Girls who are essentially “rejects”, “seconds”, “irregulars, or “dogs”, will report to my assistant, Mr. Irving Mayall, who is in charge of sub-standard accomodations.

15. TO ALL MEN IN OFFICE: Once I have completed a given girl, as you know, I have no objection to your taking up with her, if that makes your Christmas a little happier. For your convenience, I will label each girl as completed. Men, I am very sorry, but this year, I will be entirely too busy to compile my usual Guidebook to the Office Girls. So it’s Pot Luck, and may the Devil take the hindmost.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

ALLAN SHERMAN