From a Cave in the Woods...
Pibgorn - The Internal Fairy Harvesting Service
10-12-2004 through 3-26-2005
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Pibgorn's fifth adventure, and one of McEldowney's more convoluted flights of fancy. Make what you want out of unsubtle comparisons to the Matrix, the FBI, or the IRS...
The arc begins with Pibgorn shuttling Oognat, the hair fairy, on her back as Oognat goes about her rounds - which consist of dropping hair into the eyes and mouths of unsuspecting sleepers. The current victim awakes, however, and they narrowly escape being squashed. Resting up from the encounter, Oognat describes her work to Pibgorn, who tells her in return how she occupies her own time: "I battle evil, stave off Armageddon, that sort of thing" - and also tells Oognat about Drusilla, who has vainly been drowning herself in her "work" to try to forget about Henmellyn.
Oognat has a hard time understanding what succubi do, and so Pibgorn takes her along and tries an extemporaneous seduction of Geoff as a demonstration, but Geoff proves to be somewhat reluctant to perform for an audience, at least in this capacity. Since the demonstration was not successful, Pibgorn suggests that they go to the fountain of all knowledge, the fairy footbridge, and convinces Oognat to take some time for a break. Pibgorn and Oognat arrive at a stone bridge, just as we see Drusilla settling down on a Himalayan mountaintop to reflect on her recent work. Having explained that the gateway to the fairy world is invisible to all but fairy folk, she thrusts her hand through a ripple in space and is immediately yanked through to the other side.
To her surprise, she is confronted by three military-types pointing weapons at her, and another individual looking like Agent Smith from The Matrix who orders the others to "shoot and tag her". Pibgorn kicks the gun out of his hands and flies to the gate, but is shot with a tranquilizer dart before she falls through and lands unconscious in Oognat's arms. At this point, Drusilla becomes aware that something is amiss and flies to investigate. Pibgorn is dragged back through the gateway, and as Oognat investigates the portal she is greeted first by a gun in her face, followed by the "man in black" who pegs her with another dart. Drusilla arrives to find the unconscious Oognat and three soldiers, who unwisely pepper her with gunfire before being blasted off into the trees with plasma bolts.
On the other side of the portal, we see one of the men in black discussing the sleeping Pibgorn with a scientist. The agent type tells the scientist to dissect her, starting with the wings, and freeze the parts later. Meanwhile, Drusilla and Oognat are catching up on each other's news. We see the scientist with Pibgorn's bloody wings in his hands, as he is instructed to freeze them and lash Pib to a frame to conduct experiments on her. As he does so, she opens her eyes groggily, and to his own astonishment he asks her if she is in any pain. Back to Drusilla, she's unable to get any useful information out of Oognat, so she pokes her with the dart again, and watches as the now-returned soldiers gather her up and carry her through the portal, which vanishes. Drusilla marvels that it fails to materialize for her.
After taking time to emotionally scar an innocent little girl who commented on her unclad state, she flies back to the Cabaret to enlist Geoff's help in finding someone geeky enough to be able to help with space/time distortions, but not before placing the entire cabaret audience into an unconscious "sensual dreamscape, kind of an erotic party line". Geoff bristles at the fact that Drusilla thinks his friends are all super-geeks, but grudgingly admits that he knows "just the guy." They visit numerous personages of varying geekitude, among them Thorax from 9 Chickweed Lane, but none seem to have the requisite qualities.
The following events are interspersed in the story, but are related together for the sake of continuity:
A) Thorax tells his Pap (also a character from 9 Chickweed Lane) over tea that even though he himself is the "mother lode geek", Geoff and Drusilla didn't know that so he sent them on to Dr. Willom Midlude. Drusilla pronounces the hostile and consummately-geeky Midlude to be just the person she's looking for, and asks him how he would discover a portal to a parallel paranormal existence. Midlude explains that after all is said and done, he would just wave his arms around and create a portal, which Drusilla does... in fact becoming the portal herself. Midlude transits the gateway and he and Drusilla find themselves in the parallel world, where he begins dreaming of using this power for evil purposes, but is interrupted by Drusilla who puts him into a torrid love dream with Ida Lupino and takes him back into normal space. She gathers Geoff up and, with some strange phantasmagoria and a seduction along the way, takes them both back into the alternate dimension.
B) The scientist examining Pibgorn discovers that she can talk. She wakes up fully, tries to escape from the frame she's bound to, and is re-sedated by the scientist. Seeming to relent in his determination to dissect her, the scientist detaches Pibgorn from the frame she is bound to, but as she comes around again one of the mysterious agents shoots the scientist with a dart and attaches Pibgorn to something that might be described as an electrified basketball hoop - if she touches the base of the stand, she receives a powerful shock. He begins to interrogate her - by shooting painful darts into her if she answers the questions wrong. It becomes clear that he thinks he's protecting the world from aliens, and he doesn't like the answers Pibgorn is giving him, so she gets shot with a lot of darts and gets zapped more than once.
By this time, Dru and Geoff have arrived at the location where Pibgorn is being held. By dint of Dru's magic they infiltrate the establishment, leaving some embarrassed and puzzled staff members to wonder how they found themselves making love in a broom closet, and encounter the scientist. Examining his thoughts, Dru rapidly establishes the fact that he has encountered Pibgorn, and both she and Geoff are enraged when they discover that the scientist was vivisecting Pib. Under duress the scientist leads them to Pibgorn's interrogation chamber, where Drusilla rescues Pib, melts the torture device, re-attaches her wings, and punishes the scientist by making him watch Geoff and Pib hold a passionate reunion.
On the way out, Pibgorn enters a room where she discovers the rather grisly sight of Oognat, in pieces, on a dissecting table, and a vast chamber of canisters where the remains of countless fairy folk are being kept. Outraged, Pibgorn empties an automatic at the scientist (missing him, barely, on purpose), and as the scientist faints in terror Pibgorn explains that she couldn't kill him without becoming the same kind of monster that he was. Pibgorn is saddened that she can't do anything to help her people, they already being dead, but Drusilla reminds her that Pibgorn has already died twice and been revived via magic, and combining her own power with that of Pibgorn unleashes what Geoff describes as "a nuclear version of the baiser de la fée".
The canisters are shattered, the fairy folk - revived - fly out of the portal back into our world, and an angry Pibgorn gives "Agent Smith" who tries to stop her a solid kick to the head. Flying out of the portal with Oognat, we see Drusilla, as the gateway, suddenly speared with an American flag hurled by Midlude, which prevents Drusilla from closing the portal. Pibgorn discharges the last of Drusilla's energy back through the portal, shrinking all of the agents and soldiers down to fairy size. When they come back to the normal world, they are set upon by a fairy army, riddled with dandelion spears and carried away on the breeze. "Agent Smith" is left hanging from a reed above a pond, being eyed by a hungry catfish.
Midlude gloats over the impaled Drusilla, but suddenly finds himself yanked back through the portal and in a very vulnerable position with an angry Drusilla. We see that it is Thorax who has pulled him back, and Midlude is subdued by Thorax' unparalleled mastery of geekorrhea. Using a device built of a cigar box, nails, a hammer and a light bulb, Thorax establishes a stable rift. With a strong right cross to the jaw, Drusilla knocks Midlude back through the rift to normal space. Thorax declines to tell Drusilla about the intricacies of alternate realities, saying "What good is omnipotence if it is nobbled by a knowledge of what it does?" They discuss the potential punishment of the "government forces", factoring in their good intentions of protecting the earth from an alien invasion, and although Drusilla rescues the "man in black" from the catfish, we ultimately see him along with the scientist and Dr. Midlude caught in a dream of Drusilla's creation, horrifying enough to suit the gravity of their crimes.
The episode ends with a group portrait in the Cabaret, Geoff at the piano looking as though he's questioning his own sanity.
PS: Never say "Qibp." It's rude.
MSM CRYSTAL FLAKES