Mrs. Boudain got a letter yesterday from her
brother Boudreaux:
Dearest Mirabelle,
Boudreaux dun got old and his childen dun
put him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge, Luzanna where
he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas.
Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want
to do nuthin dat were aganst his religion, no.
So he dun propose marriage.
Now both Boudreaux and Mable are in their 80s.
Mable went and tol everyone at the home the
good news.
Mable's best friend Renee dun tol her since she very wealthy
and the person she marryin' not worth much she need a Prenuptial
Agreement.
Mable was sitting on the porch swing with
Boudreaux and she tol him she would marry him providing he would
sign agreement.
Boudreaux dun told Mable I'll sign agreement,
you bet, 'cause I luv you so much.'
Mable got out her pen and paper and started.
She say I want to keep my house down in Texas
with all the oil wells.
Boudreaux say That's fine with me. I'll keep
my shak on the bayou.
She say I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and
Lexus.
Boudreaux say That's fine with me. I'll keep
my pick 'em up truck.
She say I want to keep my yacht that is moored
near my summer home in Padre Island, Texas.
Boudreaux say That's fine with me. I'll keep
my pirogue on the bayou.
She say I want to keep all my jewelry.
Boudreaux say That's fine with me.
She say I want to have sex 6 times a week.
Boudreaux say Put me down for Fridays.
Boudreaux
20 April - A Walk in the Park
When Gino and Heidi went to Victor Ashe Park
our pace and distance were limited by her handicap so Gino didn't
get much exercise. Now that there are just the two of us, and
Gino needs the diversion, we walk a little farther and a bit
faster.
And we meet some interesting people.
Yesterday we met a guy walking a cute Chihuahua.
He picked the little guy up and carried him when he saw us approaching.
I told him I was glad he did that because little dogs are always
attempting to pick on Gino. We saw them again back at the truck
when we were getting a drink of water. He told us that he used
to have a Rottweiler. I am always amazed at how many people with
little dogs tell me they used to have a Rottweiler.
An elderly lady asked if she could pet Gino.
As she was rubbing his ear she asked what kind of dog he was.
"Why he's a Rottweiler, of course,"
said her companion (husband?)
She jerked her hand back and said, "Oh,
I thought they were supposed to be mean."
Today we walked two miles. It seemed as though
half of Knoxville was there. Our little boy behaved beautifully
and made some more friends.
A teenage girl approached us and asked:
"Is he purebred?"
"Yes. He's an American Rottweiler."
"How old is he?"
"He's six and a half."
"I have one just like him at home in
the back yard. He's this big (gestures about four feet above
the ground) and he weighs three hundred pounds."
"That's quite a Rottweiler. How old is
he?"
"Sixteen."
"That's amazing. You're really lucky
to keep a Rottie for ten or twelve years."
"He's a guard dog."
"I bet he is."
Apparently his ancestors came from a different part of Rottweil.
6 April - Simple Home Remedies
Living in a retirement home, we are surrounded
by mountains of experience. We felt it appropriate
to share some of it with you, our friends on the other side of
this glass. These are
but a few.
31 March - Key Lime Jelly
Sheldon
DeVeigned is justifiably famous for his Key Lime pies. He
just returned from a trip to the Orlando area to visit with relatives
and he brought back a treat, a whole bushel of Key Limes. What
does one do with such an abundance?
Why, make jelly, of course.
He found a recipe for "Key Lime Preserves"
on the Internet that called for a brand of bottled Key Lime juice
and was not certain how it would behave when using the real thing. It
was fine.
The older residents were quick to tell us
that preserves contain actual pieces of the fruit of choice while
jellies are made from strained juices.
All agreed that it certainly looked like jelly
and tasted like jelly. Actually it looked more like
a jar of Mountain Dew, not a urine specimen as old Mrs. Musgrave
insisted. We could hardly wait to try it. As
a matter of fact, one half-full jar was immediately placed in
the freezer to hasten the jelling process while a large pan of
buttermilk biscuits was being prepared.
The Verdict?
Fantastic!
8 March - Frank H. McClung Museum
Several of our residents are continuing their
education and a few were assigned to visit the forensic anthropology
exhibit that is now at the Frank
H. McClung Museum. We loaded the bus today
and motored over there in the blinding snowstorm.
Those who had homework spent a lot of time
perusing every detail of the grisly display and writing down
their notes while those of us with weaker stomachs gave it a
passing glance and then went on to the permanent displays in
the Egyptian Room, the freshwater mussels, and the Civil War
Room. All agreed it was a great way to spend a Saturday morning.
From there we went to the S&S Cafeteria
for lunch. A quick trip to the Fresh
Market and the Shrimp
Dock for crawfish étouffée ingredients
and we were off for The Home.
6 March - "Wry Amusement"
One of our favorite playwrights, Harvey Fierstein
("Torch Song Trilogy," "Hairspray," "Mrs.
Doubtfire,") has written an interesting piece in the op-ed
section of the New York Times after watching the brouhaha about
Imus and his "nappy-headed ho" comment.
Miss Heidi said it would - Local meteorologists are predicting anywhere from
a dusting to two inches of snow overnight here at The Home. Our
own weather forecaster is in the shower of the East Wing guest
bathroom.
Miss Heidi has been
gun shy and afraid of thunder ever since she had a run-in with
a Jeep Cherokee at the tender age of fifteen months. At
first we gave her tranquilizers during thunderstorms but we discovered
that she was perfectly calm as long as she was in the only windowless
room in the building. She gives us a good thirty-minute
warning of an approaching storm whenever she hits the shower. We
really should change her name to Margie.
29 February - Mission Accomplished!
Most
television commercials are misleading in some way. Many
are just lies. Because of this phenomenon, one of
the greatest inventions of the twentieth century was the mute
button.
Same with the Internet. With
that in mind, The Home's computers use The Firefox browser with
added extensions to remove banner ads and restrict scripts. Cookies
are also accepted only as necessary.
Last night while reading a page about the
House of Representatives investigating possible criminal activities
by Congressman Rick Renzi, Mrs Benson got this beautiful little
reminder that she was denied the privilege of seeing an ad because
she refused to accept the advertiser's cookie.
Mission Accomplished!
24 February - Miss Beatrice
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in
her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for
her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the
young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they
began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange contents, but soon it got the
better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, pointing
to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't
it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the
flu all winter."
13 February - Offshore
One of our residents suffers from depression. She
called a help line the other night and got a call center in Pakistan.
She told them she felt suicidal. They got very
excited and asked her if she could drive a truck.
09 February - Maybe God is Trying to Tell
You Something
We noticed this morning that CNN had an article
about Reverend Huckabee's visit to that den of rabid conservatism,
the Conservative Political Action Conference. The
article states that he told the dozen or so in the audience that
he is "looking for a miracle".
Well, Preacher, maybe God is trying to tell
you something:
7 February - A Tree Falls in the Woods
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one
there to hear it, does it make a sound?
If you duct tape an Italian's hands to her
side can she still describe how to make lasagna?
Does a wild bear . . . . Well
you get the picture.
Last night Leno had this gentleman, rapper
Flo Rida, as part of the entertainment. The TV was
running muted in the background as the residents worked a jigsaw
puzzle but Mr. Alfonsina spotted it right away, recorded it,
and gathered some information. Fortunately he managed
to avoid the actual audio track to post the following:
Duration of Performance - 3:39
Crotch Grabs - 47
Mr. Rida performed this apparently obligatory
ritual an average of once every 4.66 seconds.
So the next burning questions are these:
Is he just making sure that his pants aren't
gonna fall completely down?
If it were physically possible to keep a rapper
from checking himself onstage, would he turn to grand opera?
28 January - Once Challenged Books
Carlotta Tewks is in the news again. Her
sister's husband Altus was involved in a fracas at the local
high school there in Harrisonburg, Virginia. In celebration
of the American Library Association's annual Banned Books Week,
the school's leaders thought that a display of "once challenged"
books might provoke thought among the students and encourage
them to expand their horizons.
Unfortunately, when School
Superintendant Donald Fordgot wind of it, he ordered
the display removed, thinking that it would only encourage students
to read undesirable literature for the wrong reasons.
High School Principal Irene Reynolds recalled
that the titles removed included Mark Twain's The Adventures
of Huckleberry Finn, and The Adventures of Tom
Sawyer, Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451,
The Diary of Anne Frank, and, oh yes, The
Bible.
Altus allowed that he would just go down there
to the school board meeting and "bust some heads". They
took up a collection for him down at the tannery and got him
out on bail.
27 January - Hello Sunshine
Mary Pickford (no relation) shares this little
pick-me-up she received yesterday from her niece Daphne:
Today
is International Disturbed People's Day !
Please send an encouraging message
to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself...
You hang in there sunshine, you're special.
26 January - Bustin' Tennessee Myths
Randy Neal, who is the proprietor and landlord
over at one of our favorite haunts, KnoxViews,
published a page not long ago that debunks some of the myths
that folks from other parts of the country hold about our fair
state. See
what you think.
Amy Smelser's niece Gladys sent this hint
that she has generously shared with us. Not that we
needed it, it's just that Amy is somehow related to this guy.
23 January, - New Government Warning
The Home has just received word of a new government
warning against the practice of swallowing chewing gum. It
is said that disastrous results could ensue.
19 January, - "Fredzels"
Fred (Savior of Conservative Values) Thompson
campaigned heavily in South Carolina the past few weeks in hopes
that the state's crackpots conservatives will
help him to land his wrinkled old bottom in the White House this
fall. He is working to paint his opponent Mike Huckabee with
a liberal brush. Yesterday some of his aides were
at a local restaurant passing out pretzels. They called
them "Fredzels".
Granted the American electorate has a much
younger average age than that of the Home's residents but, to
us the term "Fredzel" rings a decidedly different bell.
Fredzel bombed in South Carolina. He made
a speech but nobody is really sure what he said.
Old Fred has folded his tent.
Most
television commercials are misleading in some way. Many
are just lies. Because of this phenomenon, one of
the greatest inventions of the twentieth century was the mute
button.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one
there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Today
is International Disturbed People's Day !
