Painless

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced.

But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20% and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50% and finally 100%.

After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor.

Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

- Submitted by DDyer

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

There was this poor fellow by the name of Fred. Fred was so self-conscious because he had a fake eye, a wood-eye. Whenever Fred would talk with someone he was sure they were looking at his wooden-eye. Fred never had a date in his life, but on the advice of a friend, he decided to try his luck at a dance.

So at the dance Fred notices all the girls there are too pretty to want to dance with him, until he sees a woman sitting all alone. Fred notices this woman, like him, has an physical deformity. She has a bad hare lip. Fred decides to ask the woman to dance.

"Excuse me miss," Fred asks, "but would you like to dance with me?"

So excited that someone has taken an interest in her, the woman shouts out, "uhhh...WOULD I?!...WOULD I?!!"

To which the ever self-conscious Fred responds, "HARE LIP! HARE LIP!"

A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Bus Company. His first day on the job, he arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers.

There he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?" The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne." He simply can't believe his eyes - these kids are big. Really big. I mean, they're fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age..." He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus." "No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special." And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the short-sleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day." "No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop.

He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester." And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus every day, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall." The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat. And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rearview mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet. Our driver shudders and drives on.

He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I QUIT!" The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?" The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job." The boss says, "What are you talking about?" And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be...

TWO OBESE PATTYS, SPECIAL JOSH AND LESTER CLEESE PICKING BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS."

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestiongly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, and eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

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